Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

From a procrastination point of view, today has been wildly successful.

I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed,
I'm the person for that job.

Yo!
Some of y'all didn't
collaborate and listen

AND IT SHOWS.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese,
Who am I to dis a brie?

Saying "have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly.
But saying "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

We keep a potato masher in the drawer because
sometimes it's fun not to be able to open that drawer.

I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you,
and no one knew what kale was.

NOoooo, you haven't gained that much weight during the pandemic. C'mon...chin up. No, the other one.

When you teach a wolf to meditate...
Then that wolf

becomes aware wolf.

Someone asked me what to do with left over bacon. I have never heard of that kind of bacon. Is it new?

Honestly, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana.

“I pretty much never sit by the pool anymore.”
—Marco Polo

Thanks bundle of joy 😊

go ahead and change it if you want to! you can tell people, remind them who you are. people here do change their names; some accidentally lose their accounts. whatever reason. go ahead and do it, if you want. feeling good, is important.

Seriously bundle, Everytime I see my name anxiety I want to change it, to something more positive. More positive than the way I felt when I signed in , but then no one will know me.

haha thanks! hugggg!
and i love being called bundle, or bundle of joy! makes me really happy and smile.

Much needed , jokes bundle, thanks!

Why do ants never get sick?

Because they have little antibodies.

Why don't blind people skydive?

Their dogs hate it.

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Why did the half blind man fall into a well?

He couldn’t see that well.

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're very good at it.

Courage is knowing it might hurt,
and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same.
And that's why life is hard.

Husband sent me on an errand yesterday to staples for ink.

I never bought ink before, have very little to do with the computer in general.

I told the guy , I can't find the right ink. The cartridge I brought from home, to compare with, had a Y on the numbers. The only ink cartridge with a Y on it is yellow, I don't want yellow, but the black color ends with a bk, but I'm looking for a Y

Wow he looked at me like I must of been the dumbest person in the world

Turns out the Y ment Yellow. Bk means black. Lol

I gave him something to laugh about all day. 😂

This is not a joke but humorous. Might not translate unless you know someone with aunts acerbic wit.
For further context…DH aunt (97) has a new roomie, Cheryl. She is a younger woman. May only be in her late 60s. Nice thick hair in a pony, wears shorts sometimes and very outgoing. Maybe a little too needy for aunt.

She comments often that aunt won’t talk to her. she is mobile, able to wonder about and attend functions. Aunt, bedfast, on hospice for years, appreciates her privacy and doesn’t seem to want to interact, probably because she is not one to suffer fools lightly.
I leave it alone as aunt is still able to communicate her likes/dislikes. usually by closing her eyes and pretending to sleep. That takes care of most casual visitors.

Aunt really doesn’t talk often anymore to anyone but on a good day she will. She certainly isn’t going to talk on demand. I have advised Cheryl that it might take Aunt getting comfortable.

Aunts long time aide, Susie, was bringing her back from a shower. She had aunt all dolled up. Cheryl saw aunt and said “you look so pretty”.

Aunt said to Susie, the aide, “was she talking to me?” (probably the most Cheryl has heard her say)

Susie replied, “She said you look pretty”.

Aunt quickly quipped “Tell her I don’t have a dime”. Yep. She’s still in there.

The definition of laziness:

resting before you're tired.

Hope we didn't need that.
--Me, vacuuming.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

People love it when you kiss them on the back of the neck. But not when they're driving. And you're in the back seat. And they didn't know you were there.

Mondays are like potholes in the road.

What’s the best part of a Monday? The ending.

Tuesday is just a sign to show that I survived Monday.