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While I read the posts and contribute if I have anything additional good to say, which I usually dont as there are already other good comments, I have not posted in a while



Some know I have an elderly mom who has OCD, is demanding, unappreciative, makes me feel like you know what despite my doing my best trying to help her as she is 91, lost my dad a few years ago, and is very needy both logistically and emotionally.



Some have said she is narcistic which I dont see, as she is not flashy or look at me, but people say she is more a covert rather than over narcissist. I can see that.



But with most everyone else including her friends, relatives, and my two brothers, she is yes very intense and hyper and tires one out fast, but she is not mean and demanding like she is with me. Even my two brothers see how I am her whipping post.



People who do know here like my sisters in law, her primary care physician and others have wondered how I do it. Her PC doctor says she is in a room with my mom for ten minutes and is worn out



Her independent living facility has a van which will take her to appointments certain times of the week within six miles, and I thought we had an understanding that I will take her to things further than that if she takes the van when she can but she whines like a little kid saying none of her friends at her facility take the van.



Anyway, based on advice from this forum, I have learned more how to set boundaries and say no. But then this ensues with constant griping and complaining and shaming. So I either give in or put up with this stuff.



I live in a northern clime and would like to get away somewhere warm for a few weeks. (I am retired early but luckily am financial secure, so need to be thankful for that, but that just in her mind makes me more available). But she shames me when I say I want to go away a few weeks. Her own brother, who is 95, and totally the opposite of her in terms of disposition and complaining has two daughters and a granddaughter who help with him They are going to Mexico for three weeks. Instead of complaining, he tells me how happy he is they can take a break as they do so much for him. Instead, my mom gripes, saying I need to call every day. I said part of the reason frankly I am leaving is not only the weather but to get away from her constant spewing of anxieties every day. I say call one of my other brothers. She said one lives 1000 miles away and one works full time. I say I cannot be helpful if I am in Florida or somewhere. I remind my mom how her brothers kids are going to Mexico for three weeks and Charlie is happy about that. She responds, but Charlies girls do so much for him otherwise, And I dont I though? One time at a holiday event she said, Kevin, look how much Charlie's girls do for him. One of those very girls scolded my mom saying, Jeannie, my dad has three people watching over him, you have ONE. You shoud appreciate that. Naturally it did not sink in.



Last week it hit a head. I was on the phone with her forementioned brother while at her apartment trying to get information about the walker, hearing aids, etc he uses so I can help my mom more in what to choose. Then we chatted. She goes, I want you to hang up now. I said Uncle Charlie, my mom wants me to hang up, so we did. Then she yells at me why I told Uncle Charlie I needed to hang up, I should nothave said that. I said you should not have said that to begin with. She wonders why I cant alk to Charlie for ten minutes but not her. I said first of all I talk to Charlie once every three our four weeks so there is more to talk about, unlike two or three times a day but also, I added, Charlie is pleasant to talk to, she is not. I and I pointed out that her demand I hang up NOW is an example of how unpleasant she is to be with



Anyway, dont know what to do anymore. Just venting.

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Just told my mom I am going away for a week- I basically devote my time to her my dad died last year, do everything she needs. She is very old school, I am single, no siblings, she seems to think that I should sit at home with her and not have any friends- I know I sound like teenager - I am 65. She has some mental health issues, narcissism, depression etc and wants me to just devote my life to her not have a life of any sort besides going to work and taking care of her. I can't/won't retire while I deal with her as she would suck all the life out of me and I would not have any freedom to travel and live the life I want. I do what I need but somehow she always takes the joy away. I am not sure if it's more of a fear that she has that she's alone or she just can't see me having anything of my own which seems to have always been the case and uses her crazy old school background unmarried women are not allowed to do anything. I thought by now she would ease up a bit with me but it never ends and I am exhausted with the mentality on top of the never ending elder care- for now I am thankful that for the most part she is independent but this can go on for years she is 86 and doing well, I don't have so much energy anymore to have to constantly be walking on eggshells, when do I get a break.
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I see from what you wrote that you are a very special and devoted person. perhaps the book "The Boundary Is You" by Chany G Rosengarten will be of a help. It helped me a lot too.
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So much love to you! I am in a very similar situation, so I totally empathize with you. I just went away for a week, trying to clear my head. The crap started again the minute I got in the door, but I did not allow her to contact me while I was away. What I did: cooked and ordered enough meals for her while I was away, set up her pills and reminders for each day, gave her a list of things she could need and the names and numbers of who to call in each of those situations, and informed my brothers that they would need to deal with anything that came up. Mom tried to make me feel guilty before I went, but thankfully I had learned that no one can "make" you feel guilty not long beforehand. Please make time for yourself, and if you go somewhere warm, I'll join you! LOL
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Consequences: refuse to take her any place the van goes to; if she needs to go to those places, let her work it out. Tell her you won't be calling during your vacation; and stick to it. Your mother is safe and well cared for; she is entitled to nothing further from you. Anything she gets from you is a privilege, not an entitlement. If she is rude and/or demanding during face and phone conversations, tell her you won't keep talking with her on those terms and leave/hang up. When you start implementing consequences, be prepared that she will ramp up/accelerate the whining, complaining, shaming and guilt. Stick to your script. It will eventually lessen some of her behaviors. And you really should consider your mother's narcissistic behavior (for example, you admit you are the 'whipping post'-another word for scapegoat. By letting her constantly treat you badly, without repercussions, is 'enabling'). (I refused to talk to or see my own 88 year old mother for over 8 months, due to her very vicious mouth, etc. This absence sent a very clear message to her that if she expected me to be around when she really needed help, she would have to behave more civilly. I'm not suggesting something this drastic for you, its simply by way of example of a 'consequence'. And the absence did work to some extent; she started reigning in her worse behaviors.) Bottom line: boundaries only work if you implement consequences. Make a list of your boundaries and next to each boundary write the consequence. Read your list every day. That is what I did. And it helped me retain some sanity in a very unsane relationship. Good luck; I sense you are a very kind and generous person, and send many good feelings to you.
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All good advice except cutting her vacation short if her mom dies while she is gone.

Funerals and burial are for the benefit of the living. There are no rules as to when they should be held. Absolutely no reason to incur the inconvenience and expense of getting on the first flight home if mom dies. Any arrangements that must be taken care of immediately can be done by another family member, or by phone, text or email. If mom is not being cremated, the funeral home can store her body until the family is ready. You will have plenty to do once you DO return home. Don't be guilted or bullied into cutting your vacation short. Enjoy your time! You deserve it!
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Thank you all for the very helpful responses. They both give me emotional and practical encouragement and coaching.
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Karsten, get on a plane.

Go to Florida for two weeks. Or maybe Punta Cana.

Turn off your damn phone. Tell your brothers that you are taking a LONG vacation to re-evaluate just how much abuse you are willing to take from your mother.

When you get back, find a therapist and have a couple of sessions before you speak with your mother again.

When you speak to her, if she whines or complains, get up and leave, saying kindly "I'll be back when you're feeling better". And just leave.

Stop arguing, stop engaging. Decide on your limits, stick to them and stop doing this dance with her.
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Uurrrgggghhh 😭😭

I feel the pressure! Not at your lengthy post (I enjoy a tale) but that whir-whir-whirring of your Mom's mind going-going-going. That anxiety that means she tries to control EVERTHING.

What to do? Sigh.

Well your boundary making is really coming along 💪💪. It is HARD to keep to ALL the consequences when Mom is a hammer at your head! You.need.to.make.it.stop. Same for the whiney.. but you are doing well! If you picked every single battle to fight, you would have ZERO peace.

Like body surfing, the waves will keep coming, all differ a bit. You can choose the ones to jump over, the ones to duck under & the ones to ride on top.

Just thinking what I used to do... let some requests fall unheard "what? Sorry?" Play deaf. (That never really worked for me..). Duck under some requests, fob off for another day, "we'll see". Pick the ones to stand firm on. State your response then say nothing. Silence from you until she runs out of steam..

And please please please take that holiday somewhere warm!

Start planning today ⛱️🏜️
Where do you want to go?
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I think you should definitely go on your vacation! From your descriptions of how she interacts with you, you can’t win with her, regardless of what you do.

Since she’s ALWAYS going to be unhappy and unreasonable, why not do what you like?
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Last I checked, a person can live 5,000 or even 10,000 miles away & STILL be reached by telephone.

Your mother says jump, and you ask "How high?" So she keeps telling you to jump higher & higher until the top of your head is flat as a pancake from hitting it on the ceiling so often and you're still asking her "How high?" and it's STILL not high enough for her.

Stop the insanity. Make it happen as only YOU can do.

Go on vacation and turn your phone OFF while you're gone. Tell one of your siblings to text you ONLY if mother dies while you're gone & you'll see if you can get a flight back home. Otherwise, you are 100% incommunicado for the duration. Period.

Perhaps when you get home your mother will realize she missed you, even with all of your 'imperfections' and 'annoyances'. And maybe when you get home, the top of your head won't be so flat anymore b/c you won't have been jumping to mom's orders the whole time you were gone. You'll have experienced what true freedom felt like & being treated like a human being for a while and it'll make you a whole new person who's no longer willing to put up with your mother's CRAP anymore.

That is my wish for you, Kevin. And to have a blast while you're gone!
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Mom is like a child. Children need boundries and consequences. When you set boundries and give in, children don't believe you when you try to use the boundary again. Same with Mom. Set boundries for you and stick by them. She is to use the van and when the van can't drive her, then you take her. Her consequence is she doesn't get to the appt.

You plan your time away. Then the day before you leave, tell ur Mom ur leaving and will see her in the Spring. Ask brother to look in on her. I see no problem in calling her daily. Pick a time of day. Maybe after dinner. When she gets started tell her you didn't call her to hear her b***h so u will hang up. I would block her number so you don't get her calls. This way ur in controll.

Seems ur the daughter and expected to do the care. Brother working f/t does not mean he can't check up on her. I bet you cared for her and u worked f/t too.

Are you spending a lot of your time at her place everyday? Maybe you should cut down on that. Make your calls to your Uncle when ur not with her. She should be taking advantage of what the IL provides.
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Boundaries are for you, when you set what you will and won’t let into your life. Don’t explain or attempt to justify to mom and definitely stop listening to her griping and rudeness. Without meaning to, trying to compliant and helpful, you’ve taught her you’ll take the bad behavior. When the griping and berating starts, leave immediately or get off the phone. No explaining needed, just “I’ll speak with you later when you’re feeling more positive, goodbye” And yes, she can use the provided transportation, don’t listen to any talk of not liking that option. And please take that vacation! You need and deserve a fun and refreshing get away. No talking it over with mom, just “I’m away from ___ to ____ and will talk with you when I return” I hope you enjoy a wonderful trip!
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