She has been living with us for 7mos. By the end of the day I just can't answer the same question again, or tell her that we have been to the dr. to take care of her ongoing issues. She keeps saying nobody wants to take her to the dr. Currently her legs have started swelling again since she has CHF with peripheral edema. I am on top of managing her water pills, weighing her daily, and talking with dr. regarding dosing. She just came out of her room to show us her legs ,again, accusing us of not caring. I got upset and yelled that I can't take it anymore because I'm not equipped to be a doctor, nurse, and psychologist. I'm home all day with her, while my husband comes home after work and deals with it for only a short time. He got upset that I yelled, because he thought it was directed at him. I told him he was just in the room, and I'm frustrated. It's his mother, and I feel he should be more patient with me too.
I thought I knew what I was getting into, when we took her in after my father in law passed, but caring for someone with dementia is harder than I thought. I know she doesn't remember what I've told her because of dementia, but she was always a bit of a martyr, and I think I'm seeing her as she was. I'm working on reacting to her differently because I know she has a disease. I feel so terrible after I get upset.
Think of it like this - if she had a fracture you would take her to the hospital to get it fixed. If she had an infection you would give her the medications she needed to treat it. If she was an insulin dependent diabetic you would give her insulin. These are medical conditions that require specialty care to treat. Dementia is no different. It is a medical condition that requires specialty care, in this case, placement. Placement in a environment that allows her to be the person her medical condition is creating her to be. Her condition takes a TEAM of people around the clock to care for her properly. I honestly believe it is the kindest, most loving and unselfish thing to do for her. You can't be what she needs, no matter how hard you try. It simply isn't possible. It's not a "fault" or a "failure", it is a fact! NO one person (certainly not her son and daughter-in-law) can provide her the care she needs. Be kind to yourself and your husband - and most of all to your MIL! Best wishes!
As a previous caregiver for my wife, I've come to classify our emotional states as annoying, frustrating, anger, and resentful. I got to stage 3, anger, before realizing I couldn't do this anymore. That was after trying home care and day care. You and your DH already agree to placing his mom in a care facility eventually. I can assure you it's not too soon. It may be too early for MC but not for ALF. Planning to place her in the near future precludes you from advancing to the anger and resentful stages of caregiving.
And what's with the Catholic guilt? Where does that come from? My parish priest's mother had Alzheimer's and he eventually placed her in MC. Many people say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. When it does become more than we can handle, it's time for a way out. That way out is a care facility. Your feeling of guilt, which, by the way is misplaced, shouldn't prevent you from doing the right thing for your, your husband's and your MIL's well being. Does your culture and upbringing require you to care for your family regardless of the situation; regardless of it's effect on your sanity, your health, your marriage? I don't think so. And from the sounds of it, it's time to start looking. So, considering where your MIL is in her level of care, and where you and DH are at your emotional stages, can patience and dementia co-exist? I don't think so.
YOU are not "failing" it is your Mother in Law that has a "failing" brain.
You know you are doing what you can to help her.
She just can not remember that you are doing all that you do.
When you want to yell..walk out of the room.
or, and this threw my Husband off for a while.
I laughed. When he was insisting that he wanted to do something and I did not want him to do whatever it was...I just laughed at the situation. He started to laugh and it was easier to redirect him to something else.
Anyone that says that they can be a caregiver and NOT get angry and yell is lying. So you are not alone. Walk away, walk out of the room if you can. If you can't leave then breathe, count to 10 or 20 or higher. If you can wear ear buds or head phones it might help some of the time.
Hang in there.
I imagine he'd get a clue pretty darn fast when he has to be in charge for more than a couple of hours.
Dh spent a night, maybe 3 times, at his father's when he was sick. DH didn't ever get up at night, he simply slept in the spare room and then took dad to the coffee shop in the am. Yet he'd come home completely exhausted and have to sleep for 2 days afterwards.
Giving your DH a chance to do what you do for a few days would probably help him to come to the conclusion that a NH may be a better fit for his mom--and save you a lot of anxiety and grief.
YOU are not failing, your MIL is, and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Very few people can navigate the waters of FT CG without losing it now and then.