My brother died yesterday on February 13, 2024.

Grammie, please accept my condolences for the loss of your dad. It is hard, I know. I felt so bad yesterday and had a hard time sleeping last night. I felt myself being jolted out of my rest like some sort of panic attack. I got up for a bit and hung out in the living room trying to watch tv but not following what was being said. To much worry does this to me.

Thank you for the suggestions. Hopefully, some of my brother's coworkers will be there from the Fire Department and the military. Now, his ex-wife has been trying to run the show from a distance. She is having all of her friends attend but she didn't want his friend to tell any of his friends saying that it wasn't his place. He knew the drill, but these guys were personal friends of his. Even in death, she is still competing and trying to make it look like that no one liked my brother and that he was some sort of monster to her. This was their relationship, but this doesn't mean the entire world felt that way about him.

Scampi the last few comments have made me smile, and I need that smile right now. You will be burying your brother on Monday, and I will be burying my father on Thursday. I've got my own drama going on that I haven't bothered to mention on my post about dad passing. I want to focus on the good things and just keep peace with everyone.

I'm glad you are going to the funeral, and that you aren't going alone. You have wonderful memories of your brother and I'm sure you'll be able to share them with others, just not the immediate family. They'll be too busy to notice if you spend time with others any way. You be in your world and let them be in theirs. I hope the co-worker understands a little about the situation and can be some degree of support for you.

Now, go back to talking about music.

You’re welcome, Scampi

We’re getting older but we are still young at heart!

It’s always a pleasure speaking with you.

Thank you, NeedHelpwithMom. You got my mind off my troubles and gave me a laugh.

My cousins were just a half an hour from New York. They are all spread out now.

Thanks again!~

Scampi,

Sounds like your family had excellent taste in music!

My brother is now living in D. C. Prior to D. C. he was in New York, east coast jazz is cool too.

Led Zeppelin was one of my favorites. I heard about all the musicians you named below.

I'm dated. Old to be exact. My father was the jazz bug in my household along with my Uncle Jimmy up north in New Jersey. They would hang out in the bars along with gramps. Uncle Jimmy knew Count Basie and introduced him to dad. They spent an afternoon at his house.

I didn't get the disco either with the exception of Donna Summer and a few others. I didn't really hit the club scene until my late college days in late eighties and early nineties.
We'll do, I will message you.

They have some interesting places in DC too. Hit me up if you are ever up this way. Excuse my Washingtonian slang.

Gosh, Scampi…

We definitely have the same taste in music!

Wouldn’t we all love to have legs like Tina? Gorgeous legs!

Yeah, I have eclectic tastes when it comes to music. I adore Louis Armstrong, especially his earlier work. He is so well loved here. He was one of our finest home grown talents!

Can’t overlook all of our other great musicians either though, our queen of soul, ‘Irma Thomas,’ Allen Toussaint, Arron Neville, Fat’s Domino, Dr. John, Jon Batiste, Jon Cleary, Buddy Guy, Harry Connick, Jr. and a million more of the excellent musicians in New Orleans.

Okay, Buddy Guy ended up living in Chicago but Louisiana is his home and every time he shows up at Jazz Fest playing his black and white polka dot guitar he walks out on stage, he says, “It’s good to be back home!”

I cannot count how many great artists that I have seen throughout my years at our jazz and heritage festival, French Quarter Fest, plus many other festivals, concerts or in clubs.

My favorite place in the city to hear jazz is Snug Harbor on Frenchmen St. When you come down here that is a must see if you are a jazz fan. Herlin Riley, Jason Marsalis and Johnny Vidacovich are my all time favorite jazz drummers.

So many visiting musicians love playing here. Many of them would end up playing for free the next day at our local parks!

I never got into disco during the 70’s! Hahaha, Led Zeppelin saved me from disco!

I admit it, I am spoiled living here when it comes to music. Hope you get a chance to visit. Message me if you do and I will fill you in on where to go and who to see.

This is too funny. Y'all down in Louisiana! I love the jazz. I haven't been down there yet, but when this crisis blows over, I will definitely be down that way. I was raised up on Louie Armstrong and that horn. Old Satchmo.

I bet it was funny when the priest was offering up that communion. We would get along fine. I got into the House music back in the nineties. I'm not too much on the progressive house though. I love some of the R&B though. When I came along back in the sixties we had a few groups that were rockin back then. The sixties came with a different sound with Hendrix, Joplin, all the rock groups I listened to. I blame it on my British ancestry on my dad's side.

My favorite was Tina Turner. I would kill for legs like that!

Scampi,

You got to see the “King of Soul” with your brother! Wow!

James Brown was so popular when I was growing up! My oldest brother loved his music. I did too.

Hey, want to hear a funny story about James Brown?

I was at Mass and I forgot to turn my cell phone off before Mass began. It was the most solemn part of the Mass (communion) and my phone rings.

I had my ring tone set to ‘I Feel Good’ by James Brown! 😝 The priest was raising up the bread and wine to pray and James Brown was singing, “I Feel Good!”

I was about to die of embarrassment but the two teenagers behind me started laughing and their mom was freaking out.

Oh my gosh, I didn’t mean to but I started laughing during the middle of communion! It was awful. I had to work hard to compose myself!

Some of my friends have told me that I have a lot of soul for a ‘white woman’ due to my taste in music! LOL 😝

Hey, I live in New Orleans. We have some of the best musicians in the world here. We have a diverse array of music, jazz, blues, zydeco, R and B, rock, Soul, Funk, etc. I love it all! 😊

I know that you will cherish your memories with your brother forever!

Thank you, it is hard. I can't believe he is gone. This is the same man who taught his kid sister how to drive a car, took me Christmas shopping when I was about five years old, took me to see James Brown at the Howard Theater when I was about seven before he was drafted into the army. Shows were dirt cheap back in the day. He would take me for drives and to the movies. I would hang out with him and his friends in the basement while they played the pinball machine.

I know I need to find a decent job and all this other stuff combined, but I can't focus right now. Everything is hitting back to back.

Scampi,

I am sorry things are so hard for you right now.

I am glad that you have a friend to attend your brother’s funeral with. Hopefully, everyone will be respectful of each other.

Will be thinking of you during this difficult period in your life. Sending prayers, love and millions of hugs your way.

Update: The funeral is on Monday, March 4th, and I have decided to attend with my brother's coworker. He is really a nice guy and called me yesterday. His friend is the only reason I am going.

The last I saw my brother was almost eight years ago now when he showed up for the Mass intention dedicated to my husband. I had my husband cremated, and I hadn't received the ashes until that February 2017. The mass was held a month before.

My brother and I had talked on and off, and he had been having some health issues, but we never suspected that it would turn into stage four cancer. The doctor had misdiagnosed him and had even stopped checking for the cancer. I dread going to see him in a coffin since when I last saw him he was his healthy self. It is just a horrible thing to see on top of the problems I'm having financially right now.

I'm just scared. I did manage to pay the rent and get my other bills done but it is taking too long to get another case. I haven't been to work since December and the recruiter isn't really pushing for me to get work at this point. My next step is trying for unemployment. It is just a bad time for me.

I've never been so afraid in my life.

So sorry for your loss Scampie 💙

A funeral is a social custom - to say goodbye & reminisce with others.

You can say weigh it all up but consider saying goodbye & reminiscing your own way, either privately or with others. With people you want to share with - kind friends, not rude folk.

(((Hugs))) to you

Scampie, I am so sorry for your loss. May The Lord give you grieving mercies, peace, strength and guidance during this difficult time.

(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Stay in touch, Scampi. We care about you. You’ve been through a lot.

Life is full of joy and heartaches, isn’t it?

I have confidence that you will make the best decisions as you move forward in your life.

I thank those who answered today. I kind of just vegged out today due to stomach issues. I called Medicare today and two of my doctors are participating in Medicare, so I can get them back. I've sort have put off some appointments, but I'm doing things for myself thanks to the wise people on this forum. I've learned that self-care is important. I managed to get three appointments taken care of including some vaccines I had been putting off. If it hadn't been for all of you here, I probably would have been on the phone with my crazy folks and would be a wreck emotionally. I learned my lesson from my father's death and how my sister's daughters acted like crazy people because they were expecting money. From what I've been told, one niece in particular is still claiming victim when she was the one who created a bad scene at my home. My brother himself had a bullying ex-wife whom he had his children with, and a second wife, the adult children's stepmother. I stayed out of the dynamics.
As we say in Al-Anon, keep my side of the street clean. I'm quite sure they can pull it together without my interference.

My brother was given two to three years to live. What I have learned is that you let people have their own reality. They have the right to make their own medical decisions and how they wish to carry it out even if they may have options. My brother felt that his options were limited and resigned to whatever was to come. His son is an RN and tried to get him to switch medical insurance. I tried to get him to go where my dad and my daughter went for their treatment in Washington, DC (MEDSTAR). He refused. I had anticipatory grief, and I would call to check in periodically. However, I would be distressed after talking to him and his wife. He had about four hospitalizations and spent the majority of time in one where they were supposed to offer physical therapy and mental health treatment. He came home and was worst off than ever.

I had gone down this road one time too many, and had lost family members several friends and acquaintances over the course of these five years. Some of their treatment was delayed due to office closings during the early waves of the pandemic.

Like I said earlier, I can't afford another long bout of depressive grief since I went through so much when my husband died. My husband died eight months after he was diagnosed with liver cancer.

I grieved my brother throughout the last eight months. I know that he would not want me sitting around depressed because that is not going to bring him back. He told me that I needed to go back to work because he thought I was too young when I retired. So, I went back to work part time. Once I reach my full retirement age, I will probably go back to work full time because there are some things I need like a new car. My old clunker is twenty years old but she is still making it. She has made several camping trips, brought my grandson home from the hospital when he was a baby, transported my daughter back in forth to chemo treatments (cancer free since 2009), so this car has been a part of our lives and still going strong. Retirement was not my choice in 2020, but the job was downsizing and I was the first to go in my department. The rest of the department was let go eventually but everyone has probably found jobs by now.

This forum has forced me to focus on my own health and sanity and that includes taking care of myself when I'm dealing with patients. I really love this forum and the people here.

Scampi,

When my mom was dying in her ‘end of life’ hospice care home, her nurse and I were chatting. We were talking about family relationships and how complicated they can be.

I expressed to her that I forgave my brother even though he didn’t apologize to me. I mentioned that I felt that I deserved an apology but that I knew that he loved me. So, I overlooked not receiving an apology. I loved him in spite of his shortcomings.

Some people express their feelings with actions instead of words. For me, this counts equally as much as hearing an apology.

Anyway, we were having a discussion about why some people don’t offer apologies, egos, embarrassment, pride, etc.

She said something that I found interesting.

She said that sometimes people don’t apologize because of fear that their apology won’t be accepted and that they truly are sorry.

They feel badly about their actions but they don’t want to be attacked by the person that they are apologizing to. I am sure this is true sometimes.

People tell hospice nurses their deepest secrets before they die.

Family relationships can be so complex. Some apologies are sincere, others are only lip service or even used to manipulate others.

Sometimes, when we try to be the peacemakers of the family, we are the ones who are hurt the most. So, it discourages us from trying to help others, which is incredibly sad and frustrating.

We really do have to learn to discern whom we can trust enough to bear our hearts too.

We can only give so many chances and if they continue to disappoint us, then I feel that it’s time to not have a relationship with them.

You have to do what is right for you. You know your family better than anyone else.

I have always considered you a wise and valuable person on this forum. You’re not likely to do anything that will won’t be in your best interests.

My condolences on the loss of your dear brother Scampie. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

Thinking of you, Scampie. So sorry for the loss of your beloved brother.

Scampi,

Good for you for attending meetings! I would have never guessed that you went for forty years.

You look very young according to the photo on your avatar. You have a beautiful smile!

My family members are just plain weird. As I explained earlier a lot of alcoholism, blaming and dumping. Those who didn't drink are very judgmental and set in their ways. These people are ranging from their late fifties to their early eighties. Most never accepted help from AA or Al-Anon and have no intention of doing so. I was the only one that attended a twelve step program for forty years. I'm still in contact with the program through Zoom and telephone meetings but it is not the same since the pandemic started. Most of the long timers have passed on from old age or illness.

I have my immediate family my daughter and grandson. We get along well. We left that dysfunction over thirty years ago. I have one niece in California who started calling again, but I'm seeing that I'm going to have to place limits on the amount of conversations again. Most of them are about her family drama and her drama on her job.

The letter to these people would be a total waste since most of them are a mess.

Scampie, this may not be relevant for you at all, but here goes. You have a good reason to write to estranged family members, along the lines suggested earlier. They may or may not reply, and you have a choice about whether to take anything further if they do.

I had been estranged from a daughter for several years, for reasons different from your family problems. I recently saw a brilliant muscular-skeletal specialist about my scoliosis/marfan syndrome, and learnt new things. I decided to write to the daughter, who inherited my scoliosis/marfan problems from me, because I thought I owed it to her. She wrote back, and we are working towards a ‘normal’ family relationship. She is older now and I think over her previous issues, and I am willing to try again. People do change.

So this is an opportunity for you to ‘try again’, if you have any wish to do so. If you want, and it worked, it would be something to be grateful to your brother about, as a small positive from his death.

My condolences for your loss.

Scampie,
You're right in preparing and keeping boundaries for yourself. There's no need to put yourself through ANYTHING that you know will cause yourself trauma. You've got lots of support, here.

Thanks, CWillie,

It's been a rough couple of days.

I'm sorry for your loss Scampie

My heart is not in it. My brother is in a better place and no longer suffering on this earth's plane. My brother knew I loved him and he loved me. Death does not separate that love. I will grieve in my own way, but in a way where I have to place boundaries on it to grieve safely.

As I said before, funerals are for the living. I grieved long and hard after the death of my husband, and it put a lot of strain on my heart where I had to visit a cardiologist. I think another bout of extreme grief would not be healthy for me mentally or physically at this point. I have lost so many friends and family over these last five years. I'm blessed if I have at least three friends left. What I do know as we get older, the death of friends and older loved ones is inevitable. The oldest friend I lost in 2019 was 104 years old. When I first met her, she was sixty eight.

So sorry for ur loss.

Don't go if ur heart is not in it. I can't take drama. I was glad that their were no funerals during COVID.

Scampi,

I totally agree with you that funerals are for the living!

I adored my grandmother. She always said, “Give me flowers when I am living and can enjoy them. Don’t worry about giving me flowers when I am dead and gone.” I have never forgotten her words.

My grandfather had a green thumb and planted a beautiful rose garden for her. I gave her flowers for her birthday and other occasions.

I do place flowers on grandma’s grave, and I know that grandma is in heaven. I do it because it makes me feel good, she loved flowers when she was here on earth.