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It went down bad.... my mother was in a nursing home for about a year and a half. Had copd, heart disease. She struggled to breath but seemed to deal with it. Covid lockdown happened and she had no visitors for months. I feel she had depression set in and this raised her anxiety alot. She ended in hospital with another exacerbation of copd. It seemed like the hospital and nursing home started to lean on her for hospice care. She didn't want it but they kept asking and she finally agreed. She would not sign a dnr order though so the nursing home kept sending her back to the er. Which they knew she hated. She wanted to stay home (nursing home). The second time she came back she broke and signed dnr. So begins hospice. Doped up for three days, went downhill fast. 3rd day she started refusing morphine. Got to point that she started to have much distress and started saying help me, with fear and terror in her eyes over and over. Finally I let them hit her with morphine to "calm" and "relax" her. 2hrs later she died...I have so much guilt, I let people hurt someone that I would have never hurt, ever... I loved her, I protected her, I helped her for years, literally and in the end I was useless...I feel I sat there crying like a wussy and allowed nursing home staff and hospice to "put my mother down" like a dog. They did zero care that wasn't designed to end my mothers life as quickly as possible. I can see that now as reflect on the last week. I get shots of adrenaline that hit me in the chest all day like suprises that scare me into remembering what I did to my mother. The greif and guilt are unbearable.. how could I trust myself to do the right thing by my wife? Or, god forbid one of my children? I don't see any future where I can make what I did and didn't do be ok. I am wrecked as a person...

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Dear "Fowlair,"

The original poster had posted this back on August 9th and we've never heard from him again. I have often wondered how he and his family are doing because of the extreme guilt, anger and anguish he felt.

I'm sorry for what you went through with your parents. Hospices have always said that most of us who ask for their services, ask for them too late. I did the same back in 2004 when my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. I was 41 at the time, never experienced a loved one who was dying and had never heard of hospice care. I listened to the same sports talk radio station everyday and for the first time heard a commercial for our leading non-profit hospice in our state. I called and asked for them to please send me their informational packet. Shortly thereafter, I called them and had them assess my dad in which I signed him up the very same day. He died three weeks later. It was years before I ever heard that same commercial on that same station again.

This time when my now 95 year old mother nearly died in April from severe dehydration/UTI and COVID, as soon as the hospital and rehab released her, we got hospice involved right away. They were there for 7 months and just released her under their care Dec. 18th.

I'm glad you have a plan in place with your son, who is a paramedic, that will be acting on your behalf regarding your care and your husband will be alleviated from having to make decisions that are not in alignment with your wishes.

I'm glad your dad was happier and calmer under hospice care and it was hard to read about your mom's situation. Even though that was in 2003, it still brought tears to my eyes as to what she went through.
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Both my father and mother received in hospice care; my father for 3 days and my mother for one day. At first, I thought we might have hastened their deaths with hospice treatment. Speaking now from a greater distance, my mother passed in 2003, my only regret is that we did not seek hospice care earlier to relieve their pain and discomfort. My father died of lung cancer and we took care of him at home until we couldn't provide the proper level of care. The minute he was at hospice, he seemed to be much happier and calmer. HE was relieved, which helped bring us some relief. My mother died of CHF and other illnesses. She was on a bi-pap at the hospital, which was a horror of forced oxygen that peeled her lips back from her face and made it impossible for her to communicate. When she got to hospice, her only request was that she wouldn't have to struggle to breathe. She was only on a canula, but never struggled. As I said, each time, immediately after I wondered if we did the right thing. But that was really more grief being expressed than anything else. Looking back, it was the best thing for them both. I have made one of my sons my medical surrogate, because I know my husband will delay palliative care as long as possible and I don't want that. That relieves my husband of any decision-making angst, and my son, who is a paramedic, will know what I want and what is right for me. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you did something compassionate and caring for your mother. And perhaps in time, you will understand that it was the correct decision.
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Laurabelle, it is your son who is wise, and you for knowing we can take many lessons for the young. Our thoughts, where we let them take us, they form habits in our head, paths so deep we almost cannot stay off them. They make me afraid that someone who has lost a great love will not use is as you now are, but will be lost within the loss. I surely am not saying that we will not always miss a great love in our lives. Just yesterday I did my slow walk on a street up the hill, passing a place where once stood my bro's first San Francisco home (now taken over by the rich ones and a huge mansion overlooking the city). And I suddenly missed Dee so much, shook my head, said his name to myself "Oh, Dee, Dee I miss you". I sunk in it in the moment, but I didn't stay there. You are so right in knowing that some of this is choice, and HARD HARD choice. You have so much to give, and now you are giving it, and I am so gladdened. This is for me a Holiday story. These days are so difficult for so many of us with good memories. I have thought about you. I was so tough with you, I thought. I believed I might have said it all wrong (I can be good at that). Love out to you!
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AlvaDeer - Thank you... I am starting to come out of a deep, dark place - thankfully, I listened to everyone's advice and DECIDED I had to get better...I had to move forward for my Mom's memory, my family and me. My son reminded me many times that "NaNa died, Mom, it's very sad, but you did not die...and the way you are grieving in regret and guilt does her a disservice and makes it about you - not her." So baby steps - I started going to the gym again, seeing friends when I am strong enough, making myself get up and go into the office every day instead of WFH...engaging in Life again ...and very slightly, a scab is starting to form on the wound. More than anything I want my experiences to be a source of healing and strength for others who are in the pit of despair. Thank you for all the encouragement and being a lifeline in the darkness...you are a special person. :) Laura
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Laurabelle,
I am thrilled to see your update here, and your being here now to help others. You posted us so often and you seemed for so long in such hopeless despair. I am so incredibly relieved now to see you here somewhat better. Your willingness to pay all this forward to the good of others does great honor to your Mom and yourself, and the love you shared. The OP above wrote us some time ago. I hope that there is healing there as well now, and that some day we will see a post like yours to lighten the day.
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I went through a very similar paralyzing guilt phase with my Mom's death as well. I am still working through the grief, but grief counseling saved my life - both personal help and group sharing ( GriefShare). Mom was in hospital with CHF, liver decompensation from autoimmune hepatitis and multiple other comorbidities. This was her 3rd hospitalization in several months - she was not eating, sick, and asked for hospice ( 3rd time it was discussed). She told me I had to learn to "let her go".
She was in pain and suffering - knowing that is all that got me through the hospice/morphine experience. She was in the hospital because she did not want to die at my house and was too frail to move. I was tormented that Wednesday she was talking, drinking - and by Thursday evening - sedated and out of it. She could not take her medicines or eat/drink anything. She pretty much remained in that state until she passed the following Tuesday. I never got to really talk to her after Thursday - I asked about the morphine being reduced, but the doctor and nurses told me she would be in a lot of pain from her systems shutting down and it would take time to get her comfort level stabilized again. I had watched my Dad die from colon cancer without hospice or pain medication, and the trauma of that made me sure I did not want my Mom to suffer in pain. She had an advance directive which helped me - no artificial hydration/nutrition and pain relief even if it shortened her life. But still, ( and it had been 6 months), I still feel like the morphine expedited her death - the doses and frequency kept her sleepy/sedated, not allowing for any medicine, food/water, conversation, etc. I am working hard on re-framing the traumatic experience and reminding myself of the alternative. We did what we did from love - to save suffering and pain...is that forgivable? I pray it is. Please get counseling -that is the only thing that made the experience bearable for me...I was non-functional, wracked with guilt, pain and depression - not functioning well with my family or my job - time, counseling, family, friends, and this forum's support helped during the darkest time. You will make it through and get to the other side.You need to feel each feeling, no matter how paralyzing and painful ...then it stars to lose its power. Rely on God as well...in the dark, He is still there. Please feel free to write me - I have been exactly where you are - where it seems only sleep or death were the only escape from the pain. That is not true - you can heal the wound with the proper help. Sending prayers, light, and faith for your healing
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Dear "Hospicelies,"

I feel terrible for what you've experienced and am so so sorry about your mother passing away in this manner. You are in deep shock and grief - the anger stage has already taken hold. I do understand the feeling of uselessness after "loving her, protecting her and helping her for years" only for it to come to this making it feel like all your efforts were in vain. But, they weren't - as hard as that may be for you to believe. Love, protection and helping someone you love and care about is never, ever wasted. Your mom knows this and knows you - she knows you would never intentionally want this for her. There is no "playbook" to follow during the journey of caregiving. If there were, we'd all have a copy with worn pages. It is hard to trust oneself after this and your concern about making "right" decisions down the road for your wife or possibly one of your children is very understandable in light of what happened.

Please get counseling right away even if it's a hotline to start off with. This is way too much for you to handle on your own - the grief and guilt are unbearable along with you feeling like a "wrecked" person. I know you will find yourself replaying this over and over again in your mind which will make it that much more difficult to deal with by yourself. Do it for you but, also for your wife and children because this is going to affect them watching you beat yourself up and they will feel helpless. Actually, you probably would all benefit from the counseling so they know how to help you too and deal with any of their own grief.

PTSD will probably play out as well - you already are experiencing the "shots of adrenaline" which is not good for the body overall.

This was hard to read as I had hospice care when my dad was diagnosed in 2004 with Pancreatic Cancer. He had morphine given to keep him comfortable and to keep him from experiencing pain. And like "AlvaDeer" said if it does hasten death, it is just by a week or so. My mom has hospice care now in her care facility after nearly dying from severe dehydration and COVID. I declined morphine for her because I did not feel like that was what she needed at this time.

Allow yourself to feel all that you feel - cry without feeling like a "wussy," let out the anger and anything else. Don't stuff it and let it eat away at you - the rest of your family needs you and wants you to be around for a long, long time. Your mom is no longer suffering and she wouldn't want you to suffer.

I will be praying for you and your family - that God will "open" your eyes to the fact you were a loving, caring and protective son to your mom.




"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Rev. 21:4
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I just last month watched my dad's last weeks on at home hospice. I was there for every bit of it. I’ve not witnessed it as personally before though my mother did die in a nursing home. With either of my parents I can say that when the time for death is coming, there is no hospice, no medical treatment, no drug, no anything that is going to stop it. It’s simply time. And there is appointed to each of us a time to die, it’s not optional. My mother died peacefully drifting into a deeper sleep, all alone, and we had to make peace with that. She is missed daily, but no guilt, her life was exactly as it was supposed to be, we did our best with her care and that’s all anyone can do. My dad just died less than a month ago. This time I gave the morphine, and the other meds that kept him peaceful and comfortable. The meds didn’t kill him or “put him down like a dog” I’m truly sorry for your pain but that’s ridiculous. The meds spare our loved ones the agony of a miserable death, a death I say again is coming anyway, whether we like it or not. I couldn’t watch my dad be miserable or writhe in pain when there was something to help him be calm and at peace. He died exactly when it was his appointed time, just as we all do or will. You didn’t do anything to your mother, it was her time to go, it couldn’t be avoided, she had medical conditions that were life ending, and she left right when she was supposed to. I genuinely hope you will seek some help to work through this, find peace, and let go of this misplaced guilt.
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So well said. We are on the cusp of end of life for my mother. She is on hospice. My mother is starting to suffer with end stage congestive heart failure. Her breathing is bad, her edema is bad. Her blood pressure is very low. Her pace maker is over 10 yrs old now, she has terrible afib almost all day. She has little or no appetite. It is hard to watch. This has been going on for sometime. I sometimes wish there was a way to get her through this time as easy as a possible, so she doesn’t have to go through all this. It’s only going to get worse. For that I will depend on hospice as I have been, to make the decisions at the right time. There is no easy way. We don’t always have control.

So sorry the writer had such a hard time of it. This will not be the first death that I’ve witnessed over time. But hospice has been there for them and each death has been different. Some went easy, while others didn’t.
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Your Mom was on Hospice. They will direct you forthwith to get emotional support for what you are feeling.
You are not a felon. You are no an evil-doer who purposely does evil. So guilt is not really the issue here. EVERYONE was doing the best they could for a dying woman, trying to keep her medicated below the level of panic. Dying breathless is one of the worst ways to go. That is why the morphine, even if it hastens death (and of course death was coming. If hastened, it was only by a week or so).
Your mother was not ready to die, she wanted to fight on. But when the fight is inevitably going to be lost, refusing hospice would have made this more bad than you can even BEGIN to imagine. I saw it. My nursing career was spent for many years without hospice, which they had in England many years before we did. I have ended having ZERO fear of death, but only the fear of suffering. I have seen what prolonged dying looks like. Without hospice you would have seen it as well, and if you believe you are suffering now, you cannot imagine what you would have suffered then.
Please get help for the grief you are feeling. To see a loved one struggle and suffer, to hear and see panic, is an awful thing. Just awful. It is something you will see and will hear and will deal with. Please get help to do so. Only time will dull the edges of your pain; but they can walk you through what you feel. Speak with your wife and children now about what they would want. For me I would tell you "Please get me hospice, get me the GOOD DRUGS and keep me snowed below the level of dreams. Please let me go. I have had a good life. Please remember and celebrate me." The last thing I would want is that my death causes suffering to those I love. I don't think your Mom would want that for you either.
You cannot fix everything. Everything cannot be made perfect and right. I am so very very sorry for your grief and your loss. Your Mom is at peace now, and I so want peace for you as well.
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