I guess when parents are ill family dysfunction is harder to overlook. I believe dear mom is a narcissist and dad has been her flying monkey all my life. Dad didn't manipulate the way mom did, but he never stood up for me either. Older sister was the golden child and I was and still am the scapegoat who does nothing right.
After going low contact with all them for a number of years, I stopped all contact with sister five months ago and never felt lighter and happier in my whole life. I've wanted to disconnect with both parents too but a sense of obligation and guilt keeps me still under their thumb. Remaining in contact with them (mom with AD, dad with some issues but nothing fatal) makes me irritated and resentful. How does anyone manage a sense of obligation and a desire to find peace which will likely include eliminating them from your life?
My sister, their "golden child" rarely visits them even though she doesn't work and bad mouths them behind their back to her grown children who also rarely visit. She doesn't assist with any daily needs such as finding grocery delivery services, finding service to clean the house, or attending doctor appointments... all things which I have willingly and stupidly done for them.
Sister had a last-minute 80th birthday party for mom while I was out of town - parents think I should have changed my plans to attend and never thought their daughter should have picked a date when I would be in town. I recently found out parents chose sister as their Trustee Successor and Executor of their will. I feel like this is validation on how I thought my parents viewed me my whole life. Secondary, not much.
I am going to continue low contact with parents, but believe their bad mouthing of me will continue in hopes that they'll shame me into doing more for them. I really don't know how being verbally or emotionally abusive is something anyone thinks will lure you back into their life. My parents may very well end up being 100% dependent upon the care-taking decisions of their golden child who will do nothing but let them whither. Is "low contact" possible with such dynamics, or is no-contact inevitable?
Thanks for your insight.
Mom is in hosp - tried my best - I am scapegoat and I want to walk away.
The two from far away are here just as mom had fallen and broekn her back - in er then home care w aide 8-5 with me all night. GP no help with pain management and my mother was is screaming pain. I tried getting every bit of hea pro to help us.
She had to go back due to all over body screaming agony.
It is inhumane what the ER did which is essentially nothing. I know she will die.
My siblings visiting are fuc*ed up and mercurial moods and undependable. They took off and left me home to clean. Said theyd go to hosp to see mom and doc w me - went to store to sightsee instead.
All I know is this - walk away if you can. I dont know if there is a better life. I truly dont.
But this existence in a N family structure will color your lens black if you dont escape.
I am treated secondary to my brothers by my mother. Her expectations of me are much greater than her expectations of them. But I do know that her trust will be divided into four equal proportions between me and my three brothers.
"She doesn't assist with any daily needs such as finding grocery delivery services, finding service to clean the house, or attending doctor appointments... "
I'm glad that you aren't the one doing the grocery shopping or cleaning the house! And I take it that your parents are paying for these things?
Give some thought as to what will happen if your parents get more needy. And how you will maintain low contact when that time comes.
I guess my parents will be sleeping in the bed they've made with their golden child. In my life, I have a great love with the wonderful man I married 20 years ago, good job, and am otherwise happy. I feel that in itself is a triumph. I'll focus my energy on that. The clarity that comes with my parents illness is perhaps a gift.
Thank you and blessings to you all.
I’m so very sorry, I know this must be painful for you, but letting go of them may free you from resentment and disappointment. Your parents don’t deserve you. And you deserve a life where you are loved and respected, no guilty strings attached!!
Hugs
I can understand why this would be hard, they r ur parents. Don't go out of your way. If you can or feel like it, help. If you can't or don't feel like it, tell them to call GC. There are two of you and care should be split.
I know so many say the money isn't important, but considering the future of healthcare and how to provide for our own elder years, it does matter.
Just curious...it would sure affect my feelings (and caregiving) for my mother if I found out she shafted me in her trust/will.
If you do decide to remain in their lives and help, it's important to set boundaries as to how often and how much help you can realistically provide, and stick to it. A narcissist will most definitely try to tug on the guilt strings and use shame as a form of control.
You don't deserve to be verbally and emotionally abused. I take care of my mom, but have cut contact with most of mom's side of the family a few years back because of their abuse toward me and toward mom, and trying to manipulate my children.
Mom is no picnic to deal with sometimes either (extremely self-centered) but at least she doesn't try to get to my kids emotionally to get back at me the way her mother and other members of her family did. My sister also abused mom and contributed to her being hospitalized multiple times last year.
With mom, I'm her guardian and I have said that I will continue to be here for her. She lived with us for a while but it was just not feasible over the long term caring for her in our home, so she recently moved to a senior living facility. Even there, I sometimes have found myself having to set boundaries. She wanted me to bring her back home the other day after I took her out for a doctor's appointment, but I had to tell her no, that she had to be back in time to get her medicine.
She still constantly, every time she calls or I go up there, tries to make me feel guilty that she can't come back to live with me and tells me she is lonely. I understand she wishes she could live her with me forever, but my own sanity would not be able to handle that, and she cannot live at her house alone or afford full time caregivers, so this is where we are. She is in a really nice place with caregivers that come in three times a day to give her meds, etc., housekeeping, meals, she goes to activities there, and I feel is getting good care, so I sleep better knowing she is safe and not having to manage her total daily routine 24/7 in addition to taking care of my kids, family and home.
I maintain lowest of low contact with my sister.
We talk on the phone. I don’t attend her son’s sporting events. We don’t get together for birthdays, holidays, etc.
Our parents are deceased. There is no longer a need for me to see her for any reason.