Wife of 58 years has dementia which will progress to Alzheimer’s. I feel there is nothing for me to look forward too. She is in a memory care facility that is nearby my independent living facility . Our 2 adult children visit weekly , I visit many times each week, I take along our small dog which she enjoys.
My brother made friends in his ALF and I hope the same will be the case for you. He came to really enjoy outings (prior to covid) to movies, to see the homes of the stars, to the library for books on the old cars he loved, the decorating he used to do. He started pruning roses on the ALF property (with permission) to bring in to the breakfast tables. He became "content".
I can only hope that the same will be the case for you. Do ask your admin if there are any grief groups available for you to attend. I am so very sorry for all you and your wife are going through.
Anticipatory grief (grieving in anticipation of a loved one’s death) is a strong emotion. And it’s as natural as grieving after the loss of a spouse, which you will also do. Your grief is a testimony of your ongoing love for her.
I have 2 suggestions for you… a book and a dementia support group). The book may seem premature at this point, but it’s not. The book is “Getting to The Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of A Spouse” (which is inevitable) by Susan J Zonnebelt-Smeenge. You’ll learn how to work thru your loss and to move forward to a new life. The support group is something you can do now. It is a new men's only group that is starting very close to you (please see your private message).
My best suggestion would be to go on a group tour for older people. New things to see every day, and new people to talk to, is about as good as it gets.
It is just my opinion but a man (or woman) that spends their days at a memory care with their demented spouse is faithful regardless of what relationships they have outside of their marriage.
Is it really infidelity when one spouse is in memory care with dementia and doesn't know what day it is? Come on.
It's not like two elderly people with spouses in memory care are going to be off having some scandalous and torrid love affair that breaks up their marriages and families.
No should be lonely. Elderly people definitely should not be. A man like the OP who's been married for 58 years has always had a woman in his life. Why should that stop?
I've always had a man around. The only time I didn't was for a couple of years after I moved back with my mother. Those have been the worst and loneliest years of my life. I will never have that ever again.
Just a couple months ago I had a talk with my son about this topic. I told him that if I ever get dementia or have to go to a nursing home that I'm fine with dad having a girlfriend. He's fine with me having a relationship if it happens to him. My boy understands that both of us are fine with that and he has to be.
So many times adult kids go totally crazy if mom or dad finds some companionship outside of their marriage. They should have no problem with it. No one's whole life should just be caregiving, listening to someone repeat themselves a thousand times a day, and all day at a memory care every day.
i do think OP, like all of us, you need positive, nice people/friends.
...find your joy of life again.
...hopefully your wife also feels joy of life, despite dementia; some people do. there are so many degrees of dementia; some people are quite aware; their memory is just getting worse; but some people with dementia, continue to have joy of life until the end.
at any age, one can develop a new interest, a new passion, a new dream, a new goal, a new group of friends.
When I have something unpleasant to undergo, and there are a lot of unpleasantries to undergo lately, I always plan for something nice afterward. Even if it's a guilty pleasure tv show or chocolate covered raisins. It gives me something to thing about, or look forward to, while undergoing something ugly. Small things can make a big difference in how we look at things.
If you've been married for 58 years, you're not exactly young anymore. That's okay though. What did you like to do before your became your wife's caregiver and before she was put in memory care?
Do you have any hobbies?
Do you hang out with any friends?
Any sports?
I did caregiving mostly to the elderly for 25 years. Mostly elders with dementia.
I knew many a good husband and wife who had a boyfriend or girlfriend on the side. Someone to go out to eat with, spend time with, talk to, and just keep company with. SOMEONE to look forward to, not something. I think you may need someone to look forward to. Someone you can go to after your day at the memory care with your wife. Your wife and kids don't have to know. It's none of their business anyway. When someone is married to a spouse who has dementia it's like they are already a widow or widower even though their spouse still lives. Your wife's disease has advanced to the point where she has to be in memory care.
What would be wrong with you having some companionship? Do you have any friends at the independent living facility you live in?
Does the place have things going on like movie nights or special dinners or day trips?
bill watterson was the cartoonist: he drew and wrote it all himself. impressive guy, who resisted all attempts of other people to merchandize and animate his comic strip. he didn’t want to make money merchandizing his characters. he stayed true to his convictions.
:) take a look at that last comic strip. you’ll find it in google.
maybe it’ll make you smile, dream and motivate you!
You can get involved in your local caregiver support group. You can go out to eat with friends and family. You can do volunteer work at the charity of your choice or church. You can go to the gym to get some exercise.
Gosh, I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.
You have to now create a new life outside of visiting your wife, and only you can decide what exactly that looks like.
It's your wife that has the disease, not you, so get out and start enjoying your life again. You may just be surprised that it's really not that hard after all.
From someone who's been there done that.
sometimes, being in a facility can kill one’s joy of life…even one’s will to live.
…it can be like just waiting to die.
we - all - need new experiences, and positive people around us! your wife also needs things to look forward to.
you knew…your wife knew…all of us know…old age WILL happen. dementia happens, illnesses happen.
it’s never too late for a new hobby. what most of us want (whatever age) is to do things WITH someone nice. solitary hobbies are nice, but there are limits.
i think you need to socialize. i think you miss being surrounded by interesting, exciting, nice people. exciting conversations. i hope you can meet more people. :)