My sister bailed on me 2 years ago, moving far away, leaving me “holding the bag” alone, as far as caring for our parents. But even when she lived nearby, she never, ever offered a bit of help, not even for relatively minor things. On the rare occasions that I asked her to give me a hand, she always said No, with a lame excuse. I finally gave up asking her for help, or even confiding in her about any of it. And once I did that, it was sort of a relief. Once you stop asking for, or silently expecting anything from such a person, it’s actually a relief to just do what needs to be done without waiting for others to do the right thing and step up to the plate with you…
Anyway, even though I have totally stopped complaining to her or confiding in her about how overwhelmed, miserable, and alone I constantly feel, my sister still often likes to compare how her daughter raising 4 kids is just as overwhelming and stressful as caring for two elderly parents. I just let her talk. And then change the subject. When she calls me, I am polite towards her, with NO attitude. But for me, that’s the extent of it, and I’m unable to muster up much else…
But her comparison is ridiculous. It’s like comparing apples and bananas.
I also find her comparison is dismissive of what I am going through because it minimizes the magnitude of it, as far as the anxiety and depression that is caused by caring for two elderly parents in their 90’s for the past several years.
Is raising 4 children overwhelming and stressful? YES, of course it is. But the massive difference is that it is a journey that is also filled with great JOY as you watch your children grow and accomplish new things.
In comparison, caring for elderly parents is basically a front row seat to watch them slowly deteriorate more and more and more. To watch them lose their independence, their strength, their health, their hobbies, their family and friends, their home in some cases, and so much more. Old age is all about LOSS. There is NO joy in old age. Nor is there any joy in caring for elderly parents…
I care for my parents out of LOVE. But there is NO joy in it. I am absolutely HEART BROKEN to witness all they have lost, and all they continue to lose. I often leave their house with tears in my eyes because I can’t stand it…
So please, sis, do NOT compare the caring of our parents to the raising of your grandchildren. It’s so invalidating and lacking empathy, and it makes me feel even more alone on this journey…
So sorry for your loss . Have you gone to grief counseling ? Perhaps when it’s not so fresh , you could consider volunteering in a nursing home since you enjoyed caregiving . Perhaps it would fill some of the void . Some nursing homes need volunteers to spoon feed residents . Or you could read books , or talk with the residents .
Do you have friends nearby? Perhaps you could join a book club or see what other clubs or classes your local library , community center or college may have.
(((Hugs))))
Bottom, line, people choose to have kids, some even dream of them in their future, but no one dreams of caring for elders.
You're not alone here, and I wish you peace.
My one brother lived 7 hrs away the other 30 min from Mom. They did very little for her before Dementia so I expected nothing from them when she was diagnosed. No regular calls. One week a year visit from brother 7 hrs away. Gifts for Christmas, birthday and Mday were sporatic. My other brother did better because his wife made sure Mom got something. By the time Mom went to an AL after living with me 22 months, I did not expect anything from them. At the time one was 60 and the other 56. Adult men so I did not feel I should have to remind them to see their Mom. So as POA, I did my own thing. Made all the decisions. I refuse to feel guilty if I did not do it just right. Made mistakes. I was the one who was there and took care of my Mom. My brothers are not bad guys. Just raised by a mother who asked nothing of them. Me, oldest child and a girl. The one who lived nearby. Its what it was.
I cannot imagine how parents can parent their ill children who want to keep living when the odds are against them.
We each find what works best for us. To me, just leaving these folks "behind" works very well. And I do it politely. Not apologetically, but politely. Make no mistake; they GET IT.
I wouldn't listen politely and no mistake. It's better for people to find a support group like this to vent to.
I learned to live by the philosophy of England's Royal Family.
'Don't complain and don't explain'.
This is my motto. One day I decided I was not going to take my mother on her usual royal progress of doctor's appointments. I did not offer any explanation, not did I wait for my sibling to step up and start taking her.
After she missed a few she finally started calling other family members to start bringing her.
I will take her occasionally if I have the time and want to. Otherwise I simply say no and offer no reason or explanation.
When I was married and not working family members who need elder or child care believe this translates into that woman being available to babysit your old people and kids.
No it doesn't. I said no to several family members and friends who needed someone who could just sit with their elder for a while or pick their kids up from school and keep them for an hour or so on the weekdays.
I simply say I'm not available and refuse to discuss it further.
People need to stop listening politely and stop trying to explain themselves when they say no to something.
No one has to listen to their sibling carry on about their vacation when they're stuck at home with elderly parents. I think it's kind of cruel to brag like that. I'd tell her to STFU and I don't care. I've told my sibling this many times.
Those people who bail on elderly parents should not expect inheritance. The parents' money and assets should be used to pay for their care in their old age. If that care is done by a sibling then they should be paid for it.
If adult kids want to have a go at preserving any potential inheritance by caring for elderly parents themselves, they should. I wouldn't judge someone for doing that.
As for not lifting a finger for the caregiver sibling. If they refuse to take it on then no one should judge them either.
The caregiving sibling should be the one who inherits and no one else.
I think it's wrong for their to be an equal division of inheritance when there wasn't equal sharing of the caregiving responsibilities.
As harsh as it sounds all caregivers choose to take it on in some way or another. They may choose to caregive for parents out of necessity for themselves because they've fallen on hard times and have nowhere else to go.
Or they do it out of guilt, or a sense of duty, or love, or to preserve inheritance. Their reasons are their own, but it's still a choice.
Not becoming a caregiver is a choice also and no one should be judgmental to the people who choose to say no.
His reply was “ Well we ( meaning my brother and his wife) can’t come because we don’t want to put the dog in the kennel because the last time I did that he got kennel cough”. I didn’t say anything but that’s a ridiculous thing to say because he could have come by himself and left the dog home with his wife .
When I placed my parents in a facility , I eventually decided that I don’t work for my siblings and did not have to keep them as “ in the loop “ anymore with very frequent updates that they thought they were entitiled to. Sibs didn’t show interest all the years before my parents went into a facility . I started a phone chain which my narc sister was not happy about . She wanted a daily phone call from me when Dad was on hospice . I had my other ( willing ) sister calling my narc sister because I did not want to talk to her. Narc sis , would interrogate me like I was her employee . She was getting her kicks out of that , so my other sister said she would talk to her instead . When a parent gets put in a facility and/or they get close to death the sibs come out of the woodwork . It’s amazing .
You can love your parents AND yourself at the same time by recognizing you're burned out and need a break from caregiving. Please hire some in home help, on moms dime, to relieve you of this workload which is too burdensome. Even God rested on the 7th day.
You may want to consider dropping Visiting Angels if you still have to take care of so much for them.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now have my own business.
When I finally went over to private-duty cases (no agency involved) the families of clients basically didn't have to do anything.
I did the housekeeping, doctor's appointments, phone calls, and pretty much A to Z with the exception of banking and bill paying.
Maybe a private-duty caregiver would be there best bet. It would cost about the same or maybe even less than what Visiting Angels gets per hour. You and your parents would get a lot more.
Maybe very devout Catholics or Buddhists who take holy vows as nuns or monks that care for the sick can find joy and beauty in the work of caring itself.
These people also take a vow of poverty and will often deprive themselves of the most basic things like food in order to suffer as a sacrifice.
Back when I was in Catholic school the very well-behaved students used get the day off to go and help these monks at the monastary. They took care of sick people, homeless, etc...
I remember one monk who was the nicest person ever had blood on his robe one time. So I asked him if he hurt himself. He said no but was wearing a cilice belt which caused him pain and injury as a Lenten sacrifice. That's pretty old-school.
Devout people like this can maybe find the joy in suffering and pain.
I can't see how regular people can.
All you say is true, but of all you say, I suspect that the single most true statement is as follows from your note:
"Once you stop asking for, or silently expecting anything from such a person, it’s actually a relief to just do what needs to be done without waiting for others to do the right thing and step up to the plate with you…"
We get many who think they can change OTHERS as well as care for their elders. It is a lesson to be learned in life that we cannot CHANGE others but we can CHOOSE others. To compare care of elders and children is indeed, as you say, comparing apples and bananas and entirely irrelevant.
As to listening to this nonsense from Sis, yes, I would agree, I would listen politely, but I would ALSO listen very BRIEFLY.
Best to you.
Don't take her calls anymore if you don't want. Let it go to voicemail. Get back to her if/when you are in the mood. You are not complaining to her about your parents, there is no reason for her to be giving you a comparison lecture.
I had a narc sister who lived far and I never asked her for help with my parents. Nor did I complain to her. Sis was retired, empty nest. ( I still work and had one teenager still at home at the time) . She used to call me up and literally laugh and ask me if I was still working, and tell me she was glad I was stuck taking care of our parents and not her. She used to brag about all the free time she had and tell me about her various vacations she took. She called herself "a lady of leisure", I stopped taking her calls, told her I was too busy to chit chat. But when i had to finally place my parents in a facility , all of a sudden she wanted to have a say in things. Told me I was wasting money. My parents passed and , and I have nothing to do with my narc sister.
Maybe your sister moved to help out with grandkids , I don't know. The point is your sister wasn't even available for you to at least vent to since she moved. You can't make her help, but she could have at least listened and given some emotional support to you, but she didn't . So you don't have to listen to how hard it is to raise 4 kids. Cut the call short . Politely say , sorry , you are busy, you have to go.
No. Relationships with grandchildren should never come second to caregiving for elderly parents. Children are more important than elderly parents who have lived their lives.
I say this from experience because my grandmother was the important part of my life when I was a kid. She was the reason why I have any happy memories of my childhood.
I can't even imagine what life would have been like for me without her. She was the parent who loved and cared for me.
Let's be honest here. Elderly people had long lives and they have lived those lives. Of course when they become needy they must be decently care for. Making sure they are cared for should never come at the cost of their adult children's lives, marriages, families, careers, and homes though.
The grandkids are more important than the elderly parents. I can't fault the OP's sister for choosing them. I would too.
The elderly parents can be cared for by homecare or assisted living. The grandchildren can't.
Neither of my parents have dementia, thank God! Both still as sharp as whips!
They are getting in home care from Visiting Angels, for which I am very grateful!
But there is still plenty that I need to do myself. Doctors’ appointments, anything of a financial nature, house upkeep, all the phone calls that need to be made. Stuff like that. My burden is far more EMOTIONAL in nature than the actual tasks I do for them.
Your parents start out independent, and then become helpless.
Plus, you know that children will become potty trained in 2-4 years. You could very well be changing your parent's diapers for decades.
Babies are small and are easy to control and carry. Parents, not so much.
Children generally do not have mental issues that can be prone to violence. Parents can and do lose their mental faculties.
Children will eventually be able to feed, clothe, and entertain themselves. They become more independent and less of a burden as they age. Parents will do the opposite as they age.
And, most importantly, you choose if you have kids, and how many. Nobody decides that they would like to take care of their parents at some time in the future.
While your child goes through treatment, you live in changing states of anxiety, hope, fortitude, resolve and despair for months or years. Lots of parents say that they were just getting through and running on adrenaline for all this time. This can leave you feeling utterly exhausted.
Tynagh, This is what folks say about taking care of children with cancer, doesn't sound like much joy going on there.
Raising kids are the apples (the apple of your eye as the saying goes).
Elderly caregiving is like a moldy piece of bread. You can't just leave it there on its own. If it isn't taken care of eventually it will ruin the rest of the loaf (the adult caregiver child's family, marriage, job, home).
Sometimes when there's advancing dementia, caringiving for that kind of elder can be described as being the nanny of an adult-sized, very unpleasant toddler. Tantrums, orneriness, diaper changing, bathing, feeding, lifting, etc... I'm sure you get a mental picture.
As you say can be love in caring for elderly, but there is no joy.
There's joy where there's children and what a difference that makes.
Your sister does not want to be a caregiver and has made that pretty plain. She has a right to say no to it and so do you.
Maybe you should consider bringing in some homecare help to give yourself a break and some regular time off.
It may also be time to start getting serious about the possibility that your parents may need to be placed in managed care for their own good as well as yours.
This is something to be considered. I want you to give some mind to this. What happens to them if something happens to you (God forbid)?
Your sister puts them into a "home" then probably forgets about them.
You can get them placed then be a good advocate for them and make sure they are well cared for by staff.
Think about it.
But her moving hasn’t complicated my situation at all because even when she lived nearby, she never, ever helped. Never offered, and never said Yes when I occasionally asked her.
Should relationships with grandchildren come second to care of elderly parents?