My husband's sundowning has gotten really bad. (He has FTD and Mild Cognitive.) I hate evenings. All he does is try to pick fights. We went out to lunch and it was Showtime. (I loved the covid restrictions when we couldn't go to restaurants.) Someone prayed for him at church and now he is healed of heart disease, Lyme disease, and all the other things wrong with him -- and very hyperspiritual about it telling me that if he loses his healing it is my fault for not believing.
My 90 yo father (five hours away) just fell for another scam -- gave his email password to who knows who it was that emailed as "comcast" and asked him for it. They've landed on a treasure trove -- all his Fidelity and all his banking information is there. He never deletes anything, Tens of thousands of emails. He then called comcast, changed his email, but can't get into his email.
We will be seeing dad for Father's Day. You know how trips go when you travel with someone with dementia. I'd rather not go but it was last Father's Day when mom tried to kill him (thank you hospice for not catching that UTI even when I mentioned that possibility for several weeks), ended up in a mental hospital, then hospital, then nursing home where she died mid-July.
I'm tired.
Sometimes we don't know it's the last time for something, until we look back. Sometimes we do & draw the finish line.
Glad you made it home safely.
You know where this is going, right? We got there at 9:00 pm and they had given away our room! An already overly-tired sundowning husband totally lost it there in the lobby. And we were left to go hunt for a hotel room in a resort area on a Sunday night. No vacancies anywhere. We finally went to the next town north and found a room. Nowhere near what we needed but at least it was a bed to sleep in. And the people there were marvelous. By 11:30 we were finally in a room.
Dh's blood pressure was dangerously low the whole trip. I got sick from breakfast Monday (the hotel we were supposed to be in would have supplied breakfast, so my sickness was a direct result of their failure). My father flowed with all the weird comments my dh was making while watching the golf tournament and that overflowed into his Father's Day phone call with my sister, she got offended, and hung up. (C'mon, sis, give your 90yo father a break!) Dad was weeping several times saying, "I don't understand what happened." Dh was snarky with me the whole time.
Horrible trip! So glad to be home.
I'm afraid I am still learning to just read.. not throw advice out too! I can see you have a bit of a tricky financial situation, but, have thought things out well & have your master plan. It's hard that your long distance plans bring such current hardships. I feel it is so unfair you cannot go see your Dad alone, or take some time out when you need to 🙁.
"Dh doesn't see himself as needing care, he just needs me".
Many are in the same boat - my Dad is - as Mother regularly refuses respite care. There is no convincing, no reasoning that can work.
The Doctor said it is not reasonable for her to insist that he be there all the time or provide all her care. That actually, she has no right at all to insist who provides her care.
Keep chatting if it helps 🤗
A wise woman once said "F*** it all" and lived happily ever after.
I didn't quite dare to send lovely SIL that (maybe when he knows me better) but I offer it to you as a fall-back.
I've been dealing with difficult stuff with with dh our entire marriage. Chalk it up to a lot of bad teaching in various church fellowships about the role of women and men in a marriage. 2013 things started get worse and I started journaling. He wasn't diagnosed with dementia until the end of 2017. No, I do not have much in the way of "in person" support but I do have online friends that have kept me sane over the years. Dh doesn't see himself as needing care, he just needs me. At this point there is nothing that I can't do for him. What keeps me going is hope for the future (but I must admit that the older I get, the less I can see me fulfilling those hopes).
Visiting dad alone means leaving dh here pretty much on his own (our 40yo son lives in a basement, another story) but would not be of much assistance to my husband. I know that dh would not allow him to help him get ready for bed. My son is available but my husband would refuse. "I don't need a babysitter."
Dh is not at the place for MC yet. I honestly think heart failure will get him before he gets to that point. Doc has mentioned palliative care for the heart failure eventually. Dh says there is no way he is going on palliative care. I think to myself, "Then the other option is a nursing home, and that would be a lot easier for me." I am just hoping that my dad hangs on longer than my husband. Dad very wisely excluded his sons-in-law from the inheritance (if my sister or I pass before dad, then our portion goes to our children). But if dad goes before dh, then I am concerned my inheritance will be taken to pay for dh's NH care or MC.
You're dealing with a lot of difficult things, gray. And your home environment with hubs is likely to continue to be difficult, and get even more difficult. Do you have support for yourself? And time off for respite? Is it time for home care aids or something more? If you break down due to stress and illness, that doesn't help anyone. Big (((((hugs))))).
I would image this would need much planning (so next visit) & would involve secure MC respite accom for your DH to be placed for the duration.
Grey, I know your title here is 'vent' & not a question but I am wondering.. if you did have any questions?
My mother is 2 miles away in MC. When she is sundowning, it all is almost impossible. For her. For me. So, I just have to leave.
Living in it…I just don’t know how you do it.
But, God.
I am praying right now for all of your husband’s most recent delusions, as well as your trip this weekend.
Good luck with the Father's Day trip which sounds like an ordeal in and of itself. Sending you a hug and a prayer for the strength to deal with BOTH your dad and your husband at the same time. You are a stronger woman than I, that's for sure.