I am looking into assisted living for my mom. This year alone she has spent 4 months in hospital and rehab in the last 6 months. She has tested positive for C.diff again ( her 3rd round this year). She now has a catheter which I have a feeling will be a permanent fixture. The heart doctor wants to do a procedure to see if fluid is gathering around her heart or lungs so they can treat condition properly. Should I allow them to do it? Mom just wants to sit in her room and play games on her phone. I’m 4 years into her living with me. And I’m just exhausted. I have to manage her meds, clean, cook, doctor appts, pay her bills, try and be her physical therapist, I do it all. She is pouting now that my husband and I told her we were looking at assisted living as her care is getting more than I can or want to continue to do. I know that sounds mean and uncaring. She says that she knows that we have been wanting to get out from under her for quite some time. Said that she’s already lost one home and now she’s losing this one, that no one wants her and she has nowhere to go. The guilt is laid on thick. I get that she is scared and I’m sure disappointed that she would have to live else where. She seems all consumed with only her plight, not what I and my family have sacrificed to have her live here with us. I had to quit my job to care for her. I feel she needs more care and stimulation than I can give her. I signed on to take care of her as long as she could care for herself. I can’t even get her to wash her hands as she should ESPECIALLY since she has cdiff. My husband has been more than amazing and supportive until this last bout of ER visit and admittance to hospital and again rehab. He wants his wife back. I will be a 1st time grandmother this year and I’m finding it hard to arrange someone to come stay with her so I can be there for my daughter. Plus my son is getting married, we’re throwing them an engagement party next month and I’m freaking out on how I’m going to get it all done and care for her on top of it.
Am I doing the right thing by making her go into assisted living? Or am I being a selfish daughter?
You should press ahead with the assisted living option. The time you can then give to your mother will be all productive and all voluntary; whereas at the moment it is divided among chores, anxiety and conflict.
Both of these actions - to me, an outsider, going just by your account - are in your mother's best interests. They are the choices which will result in optimum support for your mother.
That they will also restore your life, your presence as a wife, mother and grandmother as well as daughter, and some of your peace of mind... wanting these things is not wrong, you know. It is not selfish to enjoy these side effects of finding the best care for your mother!
Don't fall into that trap of thinking that if something suits you, it must be somehow morally questionable. Not this time. Good for your mother is also what is good for you and the whole family.
You are burnt out.
She has C Diff and the risk to your new grandbaby due to her poor hygiene is to great.
She needs the 'village' to care for her and you are only one person.
She will not be losing a home, she is gaining a new one.
I have no patience for those who try to lay down a guilt trip. I do not accept the guilt, as I know I am doing the best thing I can with the resources I have and based on the other things I need to do.
You should not feel guilty; that does not stop us from feeling that way but this is your time to enjoy your daughter, and grandchild and your husband. Sorry that your mother is unhappy but we do see that elderly people lose their empathy for others, especially their family members who are their caregivers. This generation did not really care for their own elderly, at least not for years and years. There were fewer options and also, less people lived into their 90's.
Just keep moving ahead with this; find a place with multiple levels of care if possible. Private pay facilities that also take Medicaid are a good choice because in the event that she runs out of money, she could move to a Medicaid bed.
Good luck!
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