I am new to caregiving, I just started this year. I (female, 30) moved my father (61) to a new state in 2019 so I could afford to care for both of us while he is starting to aging. In the past 8 months he has declined physically, and it seems mentally too. He has limited income, no savings, and is disabled/unable to work. I agreed to work with him to make a better living arrangement for us both as I was in need of a place to live too, and at the time couldn't do it on my own. Now I can easily move out on my own but would not be able to help support a separate household for him as well. We have no family or friends that are willing to be in his life anymore due to his behavior over the last 10-15 years.
His health problems are numerous. He has very limited hearing, limited eyesight from a stroke and intercranial hypertension/pseudotumor cerebri, severe sleep apnea that requires oxygen, diabetes 2, fibromyalgia, immune issues and the list goes on. He is in perpetual discomfort/pain from all of this, and I understand and respect the problem. He often refuses treatment for many of the issues. I do whatever I can to help him and take care of household work/errands/etc. to the best of my ability and what he will let me help him with. I empathize totally with his situation and always try to listen to understand, reason with him, and find a solution to the problems.
He treats me like an ungrateful teenager - he constantly has to know what I am up to at all hours of the day, who I am with, where we are going, etc. Every decision I make is criticized and scrutinized to the bitter end, from what I wear to what I eat to what I watch/listen to. He has now said I am no longer allowed to have guests over, when he was very open to it and encouraging 8+ months ago. I started having my friend from my hometown come one weekend every few months to visit, she would sleep in my room on a blowup mattress as we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment (this way he could access the kitchen, etc. when guests are here). I also started dating again after 10 years and occasionally would have my boyfriend over, only 2 times to spend the night and mostly to just have dinner and watch a movie (the majority of the time we were in my room). Now my father says he's "uncomfortable:" and feels "trapped in his room" any time I have guests over. I am not blind to the fact that if you don't feel well you don't want people in your space, but he NEVER feels well anymore. Then I try to go to their houses/we go out to do things so we are not in my home to disturb him, he gets mad that I am not home to cater to his every whim/mad I am out spending money. I can't win.
I understand some of the prying may be from boredom, loneliness, and possibly jealousy, but he refuses to help me find a hobby for him or send him to the rec center for seniors near us, go to church etc. and puts everything on me when he's still mentally capable of finding activities for himself to do. I work full-time and try to make time to improve myself and have a social life while also helping him. Instead, he sits and watches tv or listens to podcasts all day while I work and then complains to me about being isolated, lonely, etc.
At this point, I am so depressed and feel like giving up trying to have my own life until he passes. I feel isolated because my friends and boyfriend don't understand what I am going through. I do not know anyone who is my age who is taking care of an aging parent by themselves, I only know people who live with their parents because they financially have to. My father still wants to control everything with me and the house even though he admits I am his only hope to be able to live outside a nursing home/assisted living facility.
I think I just need some advice on where to start and maybe words of encouragement. I appreciate it.
Love & Peace.
I have this problem too and my mom forbid me from wearing off-the-shoulder and strapless dresses because of cleavage and sending the "wrong" message to men
But I just bought a strapless dress recently that she does not know about
Wear what you want and forget what your dad says!
Please do keep us all posted on how your phone calls went. It will be good know that you eventually end up in a happier state of mind for your future happiness.
Your father will always be your father and you can continue to love him even though living separately and your father may respect your wishes more in time.
Try to untether from your father and regain control of your life before he completely destroys it!
All the best.
In addition, when he asks you where you have been, try to remember that his generation was not as "random" as we younger people seem to be. All their phone calls were made in front of their parents even! There is safety in knowing who loves ones are hanging out with. So I would just tell him who you are with and your primary destination. If he persists, master the "broken record" technique of just repeating the same thing each time he asks. It might go over better if you give him a super sweet, long smile looking him right in the left eye. Don't let him nit-pick your life; just give him the primary facts and keep your story straight and simple. Turn it back on him, "Dad, I answered your question. But you still seem worried. (Gasp) Is there someone you don't want me to associate with?" "Are you worried about something? At what age do you think a daughter should have a social life?" "Aren't you glad I'm at least not having mom over?" ...but only if you can pull it off in a lighthearted banter, and don't worry if he gets the last word or wins the argument, because it's kind of fake, anyhow. A little over-acting, a little pretend drama is way better than a real fight. No one else even puts up with him so will God judge you for being a little superficial? Store some jokes up your sleeve, distract him, entertain him, change the topic, etc... Maybe these ideas will get you thinking along new lines, even if they aren't exactly what you are looking for. Good luck!
I do understand that we are a different generation. If I am on the phone and he notices, I tell him who I am talking to or texting. I don't have secrets because I never felt like I was doing anything wrong until recently when his attitude has changed. He knows all of my friends, etc. but they're never good enough. Just because one doesn't have a "professional job" it means I shouldn't spend time with them? They are good people, don't drink or smoke or party, and that treat me well - it's insane the things he will nitpick.
I try to be lighthearted and joke around/even do pretend drama with him about some of these things, but it's all met with offense and disgust and then he blows up over it. So at this point, I don't say much except what needs to be said (which also angers him apparently).
You are not the person to take this on. At thirty years old, your life is getting started. Don't let someone who is ill manipulate you into taking on added responsibilities causing you to miss out on educational and work opportunities. This is the time for you to build. Plan your escape carefully. Don't make any grand announcements because he may become violent.
Alvadeer says she greatly fears for you that you'll give up your own life for dad...........I greatly fear for you that dad will TAKE your life one day, either by accident or otherwise, because he's not in possession of all of his faculties right now, and you're not realizing that! Having had a stroke and intercranial hypertension means his brain has been compromised through injury. Brain injuries = brain damage. Brain damage can lead your father to violent behavior, even if he doesn't WANT to be violent. We see and read about such things on this site ALL THE TIME. This is what I'm worried about for YOU.
You also say, "His social life after I was born was pretty nonexistent, he says he was too focused on me and working to support me to really have much of one. Plus, he always would find some "major" fault with a friend or potential date that he'd completely cut them off ASAP." This is not normal behavior at all, to say/do such things, and your father's resentment at having 'given up his life for his daughter' may be coming out NOW in his angry and ugly behavior towards you. You need to get out of this toxic living arrangement immediately, in my opinion, before something terrible happens in a moment of rage! Brain damage can cause that to happen.
There are some things that 'therapy' will not fix. Violent behavior or extreme anger from a former Marine is among them. This living arrangement is not working out for either one of you; dad keeps on making his displeasure with you known (despite the fact you're doing nothing wrong). You are not allowed to have a life b/c he doesn't like you to have a life of your own. So it's a lose/lose situation. What can you do right now to change this situation? I'm sorry if he 'needs' your financial contribution to live a certain lifestyle he's become accustomed to. He'll need to acclimate himself to a lesser lifestyle then, or apply for Medicaid to fund his life in a Skilled Nursing Facility due to all of his ongoing health issues so medical pros can deal with him 24/7. Not one burned out, exhausted and frightened daughter who's too young for this! He's only 61 years old and can live another thirty years!
Please DO throw in the towel here soon. Maybe leave for a vacation where you can regroup and plan an exit strategy. Perhaps get APS involved, like Margaret suggested, and make some calls to social services to see what dad may qualify for.
You have to love YOURSELF at least as much as you love your dad here, and that means you recognize the danger that you're in right now. Don't poo-poo these words away........I hope you won't do that.
Wishing you the best of luck extricating yourself from this worrisome situation asap.
You can’t control your dad’s circumstances or how he feels about it. I’m sure that he is struggling.
The issue is that he is transferring his issues onto you. You can do something about that. It may not be what he wants but it’s what you need to do for yourself.
I have two daughters near your age and I would never want them to give up their lives for me.
See what resources are available for your dad and move forward in your life. He’ll adjust to his new life without being dependent upon you.
Best wishes to you and your father.
This is your time! at your age, you need to establish a life for yourself. You both need separate places to live, but to keep in touch with your dad, if he is approachable after living in separate places. If you feel things are in getting worse, take some action really soon.
On one hand I'm very sympathetic to your dad's various illnesses, but on the other hand you're dealing with someone unwilling to compromise or listen to your feelings. I think living separately; you might also be able to have a better relationship with each other in the future.
You said nobody, understands, but I think this forum does, reading some other comments I see some really good answers. Keep using this forum whenever you feel you need to.
I'm wishing you more peaceful & relaxing times ahead, without all the stress you have. I know it's not going to happen quickly, but that's what I wish for you. ((hugs)).
You are right to be worried that he doesn’t “control his emotions like anger and frustration and it's a bit concerning to me as he is a very tall, large man who was a Marine”. During your whole life, he has been very determined, and very sure that he is right. Being confronted, being told that he is no longer in control of both you and his own life, could be very dangerous for you. It would be safer to be out of the way when you ‘throw in the towel’.
One strategy could be:
1) Go to APS and find out what his options could be. Make a list of phone numbers, including numbers for in-home care agencies.
2) Go away for a holiday. Decide that you are not returning. Send him your list (or leave it with him when you go away, ‘in case of emergencies’).
You say “I have been in therapy for myself for years and my own therapist is at a loss about how to help me”. Don’t rely on counseling or therapy to solve your own problems, certainly not his.
You may have a lot to thank him for in the past, but it shouldn’t include a risk to your life – in either sense of the word. It sounds like this is potentially a serious situation, for both of you. A serious assault charge would be a terrible end of this, for him as well as you.
It seems that "intercranial hypertension/pseudotumor cerebri" can cause vision problems. It masks a tumor and puts pressure on the brain and you get headaches. I have been told that when you have one auto-immune problem, like fibromyalgia, u have others, like RA, Lupus. Your Dad is really young for having the health problems he has. Does he get Social Security Disability? If not he should apply for it. If he has it, he may be able to get SSI which is a supplemental income. Social Services will be able to find ur Dad resources. There are vouchers to help pay rent.
Maybe you could live near Dad but not with him. You are now an adult. Your Dad has no control over you. Actually, he needs you more than you need him, and in my opinion he needs to be told this. He would not be where he is if he didn't have you to pick up the slack. You are partners, not father and daughter. You work and pay at least if not more than half the expenses. He has a roof over his head, food and he is warm or cool depending on the time of year. He owes you. Your all not his wife.
The apartment is not his alone. He has no control over who you have there or not. You may need to tell him that living together is not working. That you will help him find resources that will help him live on his own. But you can't live together because he can't except that ur a 30 yr old Woman who needs a life of her own.
He does receive SSDI and that goes to paying for portions of our living expenses and his medical bills mainly. I will look into the voucher situation, thank you for that information.
I have definitely discussed what you said calmly and rationally with him. He claims he is treating me like an adult/I am caring for him, etc. and has stated multiple times he would not be able to live financially without my assistance. Yet, he still treats me poorly. I even do role play like "can you imagine how it would've felt if you were a single 30-year-old and had to take care of your aging father or mother with a relatively low joint income and no family or friends to support you". He has no empathy for my situation either.
This is why I think we need mediation/counseling to start (and maybe end). When I have discussed calmly and in a mature fashion that this living situation may not be working, he basically throws a fit and shows me one of the reasons why it's not. So, I am at the end of my rope trying to have discussion with him without a mediator present as he will usually respect the opinion/authority of a third party.
Thank you again for your support.
He's 61! Don't hold your breath.
Seems like your father is strongly into clean and disciplined living for you because it's so much easier than doing it himself. He's the one with a host of health issues which, although they may not be caused, are not helped by failure to address different lifestyle choices, shall we put it like that.
Worse, your devotion to his cause is not improving anything. Plan to leave. Plan something different for him. This particular path is terrible for both of you.
What did he do for a living and a social life before it all went to pieces?
I do also understand living a clean and disciplined lifestyle. I do not feel like I am doing anything extraordinarily undisciplined, promiscuous, or otherwise especially compared to the stories of what he was doing at my age...but I understand his want for me to live a very good and noble life.
He was in sales/marketing most of his life (many different types of products and businesses through the years) and a proud Marine before that working on more scientific endeavors for the corps. His social life after I was born was pretty nonexistent, he says he was too focused on me and working to support me to really have much of one. Plus, he always would find some "major" fault with a friend or potential date that he'd completely cut them off ASAP. As I started to get into my teen years, I made it a point to try to get him out and give him confidence to meet with old friends/make new friends or even date but he just never really did. Overall, he is outgoing and used to be very friendly so it wouldn't be difficult for him, he just stops himself.
sending you happy new year hugs!!
i hope things improve for you soon!!
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you tried to reason with him. it didn't work. instead he lashes out at you, plays the victim (this pattern will keep happening forever).
you already explained everything to him, how you feel. it doesn't work.
people like that don't want to reason. if you try to (rightfully) (you're totally justified) argue with him, he'll turn it all around in some crazy, bizarre way, to make you (totally undeservedly) look (and feel) bad. he does that, so you'll stop standing up for yourself. he wants to silence you.
people like that never change. it'll get worse as he gets older.
please understand: i absolutely think one must stand up for oneself. get things off your chest, tell him what you need to say. ---- and after that?? reasoning more with him, won't really work.
the only thing that does work, is to remove yourself from the situation. suddenly your mind will be healthier, your body will feel better, you'll be happier, breathe better. ---- also you said you fear being potentially physically harmed by him in the future. listen to your gut. take it seriously. prevention (escaping years ahead of time) is always better.
you said he has limited income, no savings. i wish you could set up caregivers for him at his home, and thereby set yourself free (i don't mean totally stop helping; that's totally up to you, how much you want to help), move out, live your life.
but as you said, he doesn't have money.
i hope you find resources in some other way!! set yourself free.
If and when your father attends a counseling session or two with you, speak with the counselor privately and ask him or her if he or she thinks there is any realistic chance of counseling improving anything and what the time frame would be.
What happened to your mom? maybe she's not in the picture for some other reason which is okay, you don't have to explain if you don't want to.
You're stuck between a rock and hard place. How your dad is with you in particular sounds very common, where an adult sibling is looking after a parent. You're still treated like you're a kid. It's an awful feeling, because you loose your independence, that freedom. I get it, I'm going through the same thing and am older than you. I can pretty much say you'll never be a grown up to your parents, other people on the forum have told me the same thing.
It sounds like you have a lot more than just being treated like kid though, your dad has scared everyone away with his persona. Maybe his anger is because of his various illnesses. I think he's putting a lot of pressure on you and he feels insecure because he's depending on you for everything, and that would explain his jealousy when trying to live a more independent life.
I was surprised that your dad has all these illnesses and he's only 61, maybe he was unlucky with his health. A lot of 61 year old's usually in not that bad shape, even saying 61 it the new 51. However whatever the reason for your dad's bad health, sounds like it's just you looking after him and he has no one but you.
I understand the situation, at times you feel you can hardly breathe with the feeling of being trapped, unable to just be free to make your own decisions. I can relate to you in that respect and validate what you're feeling. Depending on their circumstances, both young and old caregivers feel this way.
If there's just you and no other siblings, no mom, other relatives involved it's hard to have shared responsibility and in any case if you're dad is driving people away , it sounds like other people don't want to be around him.
My advice is have a straight and calm talk with your dad about how you feel, what you want and see if that works. Does he know it's eating you up? If he doesn't listen to you talking write a letter about your feelings to him, then he reads it without interruptions of talking. Also see if things settle down, it's only been one year, maybe the changes of moving and being new to caregiving, things may settle down.
Welcome to the forum if you're new. keep telling your story when you feel you need to on this forum, use it as part of your support. keep talking about it.
I really am sorry to hear your situation, some parents can be more like friends to us, and say there if you need me, but most genuinely do care, but they have this habit of doing it in the most annoying way. I think mostly dad's with daughter's are more protective, no matter how old you are.
Just as my situation is not going to quickly go away, there's no magic wand to make things right immediately, but keep living your life as much as possible too. People that understand your situation, sympathize with your situation, and care about you too, are your real friends.
My mother has not been in my life or his since I was 2 years old, he gained full custody of me when they split due to her drug problems/infidelity. That has had a great effect on me growing up and obviously him as well since he never remarried/had support to raise me from anyone (much of which I have thought was purposeful on his part, he thinks he can do it all alone and didn't even date because he was worried how it would affect me as a child). I have half siblings from my mother's side that were also not in my life at all. I am getting to know them a bit now, but they are not financially or otherwise capable of assisting me.
I agree, he is young to have these problems and so severely. This can also make it hard to explain to others or find the right kind of help. He is generally mentally ok, he has a normal amount of memory problems for his age. Because most of his mental faculties are there, it is hard to convince him he needs help or to seek assistance. I suggest I can take him to XYZ specialist for something and he always says no. Or if I try to help him with something I can see he's struggling with, I get a tongue lashing. The concern recently has been his ability to control his emotions like anger and frustration and it's a bit concerning to me as he is a very tall, large man who was a Marine. He has never hurt me before but I do fear it could become an issue.
98% of the time I do try to have rational and calm conversations with him about the problems I am having/how I am feeling/what I want. These often turn into days long arguments/retaliations against me where I am the ultra-selfish villain and every mistake I have ever made in my life gets brought up/used against me and he is the victim. And after days of essentially being torn down by him, I finally become irrational and angry. He basically throws temper tantrums because he doesn't agree with me and uses almost scare tactics to get me to give up/change my mind/not do things he doesn't like and pretends like I do nothing for him ever so why am I feeling so burdened?! It's totally irrational and circular thinking.
I do know there is no magic wand, I am not a person who easily gives up. But if there can't be positive forward progress, I am going to have to be brave enough to throw in the towel. Mainly at this point, I am pretty mentally and emotionally exhausted and it's bleeding into everything else in life which is so sad. I hope to find a good working solution soon.
Thank you again.
If you are ready to ‘force things to be different’, please update to ask for that advice. A lot of people aren’t ready for it, and it’s a waste of time. It’s difficult, because your father is relatively young, but you will get practical advice. Courage!
You are an adult. You cannot be pushed around or told what to do with your own life and time unless you allow it.
Time to move out and turn over Dad's care to the state.
You should not be melding your incomes and you should not be paying for your father's needs. If he has entered this time without any savings then he will be critically in need of the benefits of city and state to house and feed him, and to provide medical care. Your money should be saved now for your own elder years and you should have your own housing, your own family, your own job and your own life.
No one can really make the decisions for you. I would seek help at once in counseling now to take these life transitions issue to a counselor to help you comb out your options for your own life going forward.
I am so sorry for all you are going through, but this isn't going to get better and in fact is almost certain to get a good deal worse. You are asking the impossible of yourself in my own humble opinion. Please seek help. Often a licensed social worker in private practice as a counselor is the best at this because they are aware of options for the elderly and the infirm and disabled. I wish you the best.
He doesn't seem to understand his poor life choices shouldn't be my burden now and I offered to help, not for him to be the head of household and take over my life. I refuse to make those same poor life choices he did, I never want to put my potential future children through this type of situation. I do not want to be a lonely, bitter older person like my dad has become, lately I fear this might push me to be if he lives a long time and I don't find a solution.
I do appreciate your response, thank you again.