Both parents with dementia, had the talk, it did not go well. Now what?
I've known for the past 7 years that mom has dementia. Dad has been her primary caregiver at home. He seemed to be managing most aspects of their life to an acceptable level with some help.
This last year I started noticing he was having memory lapses about forgetting doctor appointments, forgetting recent conversations and the house was messier than normal. I had arranged for weekly visits for Home Care with an association from their church. That person however recently moved out of state and the house returned back to a mess, including papers on the floor that cause a fall risk for my mom as she uses a walker and expired food in the fridge.
It became glaringly clear to me that dad now also likely has undiagnosed dementia. He used to be well groomed, and now he wears the same clothes regularly with stains and refuses to get his hair cut or shave. He cannot remember if he did his taxes. My sister went to visit them a few days ago, and she left briefly to get coffee and while she was gone he started calling my sister's husband and daughter asking where she was. My sister and I agreed a while ago they need to be in an ALF and had one pre-selected. I recently contacted them again and they have availability.
My sister visited them yesterday and told them we thought they could benefit from moving to another community where all their needs would be cared for. She said our mom thanked her and was happy to leave. Dad was the opposite. He told her he could not believe we went behind his back. He also told our mom that she was betraying him by allowing us to move them. Mom started to cry and said she no longer wants to live at home. Dad said he would not sign any papers and is never moving out.
They are not safe at home. I am looking for home care again in the short-term, but there is no option for them to remain at home. We cannot get them moved quick enough. What is the next step to take? Is the only other option to have them both declared incompetent by their doctor, or call APS on them?
Any other tactics? Thank you.
10 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- My aunt was released from rehab but is refusing a nursing home. What can I do?
- My mother, almost 74, has symptoms of dementia but does not have a formal diagnosis. How can I support her from halfway across the country?
- Refusal of memory care. What can I do?
- Where to begin? Neighbor's (86, lives alone) family lives 2 1/2 hours away. They have zero understanding of dementia.
The Talk #2 scoffed at
The Talk #3 nope
The Talk #4 nope again
The Talk #5 still nope
The Talk #6 This Again!! Why are you talking about this? What do you mean you have *concerns*?
We are perfectly fine. We can do everything ourselves!
The Talk #7 Now WE'VE been talking & have decided we might want to think about getting a little help in.
The Talk #8 Or maybe move.. some of our friends have moved..
This is what I was told to expect by a councellor. She was older than me. Had many friends go through this with their aging folks.
Said be prepared to have The Talk over & over for it to even start to sink in. One drop at a time.
Sometimes it never does.. So we also discussed joining the *Awaiting the Crises Club*.
😤😣😩
I finally persuaded him by explaining that by making the move now, while he is still capable of making those decisions and can do some things for himself, it could be a forever home. I pointed out that if he became reliant on others before moving somewhere that had care on site, it would be considered easier to move both of them into a home, where all decisions would be taken out of his hands.
The "forever home" argument helped him make the decision to move - reluctantly, I might add.
They have lived there 6 weeks, and he's still moaning about it. I'm hoping that us all visiting next week, making new memories, will help him to adjust. It's already better for my mum, as they have dementia friendly activities, which she has enjoyed.
It's actually better for him, too. He's been able to use the lift to go downstairs, drive out to visit his daughter, and get back home again (twice, so far) - exhausted, but in one piece - something he couldn't do when in the other place.
So, even if you do persuade your dad to move, don't expect everything to go smoothly. However, it's your parents' safety that's paramount. My stepdad had 4 falls in one year - I really didn't want him risking a serious fall, when using the stairs to his old flat (which he avoided) to go to the doctor's etc.
My dad gave me financial POA about 5 years ago. He has gotten angry with me several times the past few years though for various reasons. I was their Executor, but he informed me last year he gave that to my sister instead so he may have also removed me as his financial POA.
In states where I've lived, POA must be revoked in writing, notarized, and the person must notify that POA in writing that the POA has been revoked. Then the person must create a new set of POA papers and inform the new person that they are POA. If your dad revoked any POA that you held, you most likely should have been informed in writing. You need to straighten that out so you'll know what's what.
Now you can move her IF you are her POA. If your father is not diagnosed, and if your father is her POA, then he need not let you take her. You would be moving a spouse already known to have dementia without the permission and agreement of her POA/spouse.
I think that you just pegged your only two options.
You and Sis need to discuss with APS. Call them. I am hoping guardianship isn't necessary because if it is, then that's a costly fight if your Dad fights it, and it's sounding like he will.
I would call APS first and discuss options.
They can sometimes, if they deem the home not fit, get emergency temporary guardianship from a judge in some states. Good luck.
Having "the talk" with people who are already displaying cognitive decline is minimally effective, if at all. People with dementia already have a more difficult time adjusting to change and now they are being expected to turn on a dime in one of life's most profound personal changes. Even though you feel in a rush to help them and solve this problem, you may need to do incremental changes to get to their best permanent solution (facility care).
Do you or sibling have POA?
Is either still driving ? You must take the keys away .
The first conversation generally does not go well. But you put the idea in their head, and that is what is important.