My father is 90 and has lived in his home for 50 years. He's twice widowed and has a lady friend (of 15 years) who did live with him full time for several years but she is getting worn out and so now has her own retirement apartment so she can get away, and is at his home part time. I live 100 miles away, so I can't be at his house daily. He has very bad arthritis in his legs and must use a walker or electric cart to get around. He also has a foley catheter which must be changed every 3 weeks. His lady friend takes him to his Dr. appointments, so I do appreciate her. He has gotten to the point where he just lets everyone else take care of his needs. If his daily meds aren't set out, he claims he doesn't know where they are. If the coffee isn't made, he just goes without instead of figuring out how to make it. He is (or was) an intelligent man, so it is hard to watch him decline. He has no dementia, just learned helplessness (that's what we called it when I was an elementary teacher.) We have a lady who comes in 3-4 times a week for an hour to make sure the bed is made, he's shaved, coffee made, etc. and a nurse 1x a week to flush his catheter, but otherwise if the lady friend isn't there he is alone. He sits out on his patio and smokes and feeds the birds, or he sits in his chair and naps. He doesn't hear well, so he watches a little TV, but not much. I am trying to convince him to move into AL where his lady friend has an apartment, so he would still be able to see her, but he is stubborn and doesn't want to. He is not incapacitated enough that I can take over and force the issue, and I really don't want to. I want it to be something he agrees to. He is not really social, so I can't use the company of others as incentive. How in the heck do I convince him that he would be happy in AL and it would be a good thing? Has anyone had success in this kind of a situation? I would prefer not to have to fight him legally or anything like that.
You are lucky in that you seem to have a good place in mind; find out if they have a rehab wing so that when dad falls, has hip surgery and needs rehab, you can see if they have a bed available. Do some research about other places that meet your standards as well.
With my mom, we simply told her that we could no longer respond to her emergencies. That got her attention and she moved, reluctantly, to an AL, later an Independent Living place, because she actually needed LESS help than we all thought once she got her anxiety and physical issues under control.
I understand how frustrating this is. (((((((hugs)))))))
From one Sharon to another who also lives in Arizona!
My mom has lived in the home I grew up in since 1968. When my dad died in 2004, I took care of her as best as I could running back and forth from my house to hers to help with all kinds of things until she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2014 at the age of 89. She wanted to stay in her house forever and also, wanted me to promise to never put her in a NH. I didn't promise her that but, I also didn't put her in one either. There was no way she could stay in her house and I couldn't continue to do what I was doing to try and help her stay in it. I did that for ten years and it just wasn't feasible anymore. I started looking for AL facilities on my own and then when I would find some, I had my husband go look too. I looked at 8 and narrowed them down to two. At that point, I had my mom as well as asking one of her friend's to come along and take a tour. I made sure I was enthusiastic and would point out things I knew were her interests i.e. she always liked gardening so I pointed to the beautiful garden they had in the courtyard. This helped greatly because someone my mom's age had ideas of what places used to look like way back.
I'm wondering if your dad has actually been to see his girlfriend on her "turf"?
If not, maybe that's the place to start. I really think he needs more care in a place other than his home. Was it easy to move my mom? Of course not. But, she adjusted to it. She is now in a new facility with hospice care and in the memory care unit as she nearly died in April from severe dehydration and COVID while in her previous facility. She likes her new apartment which is much smaller but, after getting so ill, she is no longer able to walk or dress herself.
I hope you are able to get him to be agreeable sooner rather than later. It's much better to move him while he's able, than to move him during a "crisis." Hope you will let us know how things go!
If you don't want to help him don't, just because he doesn't want to do something doesn't mean you have to.
He has learned helplessness because someone is always coming to do it for him.