My mom and her sister were very close. My mom suffered a stroke 10 years ago, I have been caring for her ever since. She doesn't see her sister often and of course cannot convey to me that she wants to since she cannot talk. Her sister has passed away last year, I have been ridiculed by her remaining sisters that I should have told her, but I don't think that would have been in her best interest. She believes her sister has moved down south with her daughter (the sisters daughter) and the last time my mom and sister talked, the sister said that's what she wanted, was to move. So as far as my mom knows, she still lives down with her daughter and is very happy. Now, our family reunion is coming up, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't attend. I've had several birthdays for my mom in the past and this particular sister did not attend for health reasons and my mom never indicated she wanted to know where she was at that particular time, but now with the reunion coming up, the daughter will be there and I am afraid my mom will try to convey to me that she wants to know where the sister is...I don't know what to do. I could use a lot of help on this one. And as I said, a couple of the other sisters feel I am not doing a service to my mom by not telling her. these people do not see my mom on a daily basis as I do and don't know the moods she gets in to and the frustrations she shows to be, (down right mad at me) because I can't understand what she wants...Please help
I am someone who had my mom in skilled nursing and did not physically do all her care, and also someone who at times did engage in therapeutic withholding of the whole truth - I never flat out lied that I can remember, unless you count the tale or the missing tea towel where I just bought her another one :-) but lots of people find they have to at times.
Search your heart, pray on it, and also be sure of how Mom's day to day memory is - if "sharp as a tack" only means she recognizes familiar people it's a different story than if she can really process a lot of information especially emotionally significant stuff like this. As the person closest to her, sure, take some cues and listen to other ideas, but it should be your call. A decision you make with her best interest at heart, as realistically and lovingly as you can, won't be "wrong" even if later on you realize something different might have worked better. It may even be that the right words will just come to you. Bring a box of Kleenex for both of you though when/if you break the news. Big hugs!!
Allow the other sisters to tell her "Flo has moved to Heaven to be with mom and dad" NOT "Flo is dead and nobody told you". Properly framed, she will accept what is. IF she was told but insists her sister is living South, go along with it, she has put it in a comfort zone already.
Let me share this with you. I guess I'm one of those awful children (actually from a family of awful children) who "threw" their mom into a nursing home. Because she needed nursing. And stimulation. And folks who know about aphasia ( like speech therapists).
My brother and sil live close by and visit several times a week. I'm two hours away and I see her once a week. None of us gets what mom is trying to tell us sometimes, because she has vascular dementia and her pointing often does not convey her meaning. But her sides, her nurses, the always seem to understand what mom's meaning is. Because they do this for a living.
My mother is not in some exceptional 5 star place. It's more like a 3 star on a good day, and somewhat shabby. But the staff really knows their stuff.
To speak to your original question, I don't tell mom bad news. If she asks about someone, I tell her the truth. But if she doesn't ask, I don't bring up deaths. Perhaps you want to get put a photo album and see if mom "asks" about her sister.
I actually go to a caregivers meeting once a month, but those folks just don't get it,. We had a speaker come in a couple of months ago, and unfortunately, it was one of those days where nothing I did was right with my mom, and then I went to the meeting and the speaker was trying to tell us all how to breathe, do yoga, take time for ourselves and try to understand what our loved ones are going through, well, I am a pretty quiet person to begin with but that day I just had had enough, so I stood up in the room and said, "may I ask you a question" and she said, yes, and I said are you a caregiver and do you take care of someone 24-7? And guess what she said, "well yes, sort of, I put my mom in a nursing home and go to see her as often as I can". Well, I lost it, and said "then how in the hell do you think you know what is best for someone like me with a 24-7 caregiver job. When do I have time to breathe, when do I have time for yoga, then I stormed out of there....
I felt bad, but it was just one of those freaky days...
sorry, everyone..I guess 10 years is just an extremely long time.
And you shouldn't hold yourself to a promise you made that may not be in both of your best interests. A counselor could help you figure out how to tell your mom (if that's appropriate) and how to deal with the negative reaction she might have.
You need to be able to set some limits around your mom's behavior, so her negativity doesn't bring you down. The other thing to remember is that no one else could do a better job with understanding your mom. She's LUCKY to have you.
If she didn't have you, where would she be? Keep remembering that! But get some counseling to support you in whatever you decide.
Prepare for her to grieve, maybe lash out as to when you knew. Go ahead and take your lumps, she'll get over it and you will feel better that this secret is out. Offer to take her to the reunion to see her remaining sisters and help make that a positive thing for both of you to look forward to 😉 even if it isn't....
Sorry to ask more questions, but why would your mom give up because one sister has passed away, when she has four more sisters? Was she particularly close to that sister?
You are in a bit of a spot. Since the reunion seems to be triggering this dilemma, I simply wouldn't go to the reunion. Since her sisters and your siblings don't visit often, you can still control what is said around her.
Or if it is causing you too much stress worrying about it, you could bite the bullet and tell mom. Plan ahead of time what you'll say and the details she'll want to know.
Whatever you decide, don't beat yourself up - you're doing a terrific job caring for your mom, whether she's able to express it or not and whether the rest of your family sees or agrees. You're a wonderful daughter!
I'm unclear about whether your mom's remaining sisters visit her in person or not. If they do, it might be an issue, but if not, I'd say you call the shots and ignore their criticisms. If you go to the reunion (and I assume your mom doesn't?) and she wants to know about that one sister, you can play it by ear.
Is your mom's mind clear? You didn't say anything about that. If it is, it makes it a bit more difficult to redirect or distract her.