I am 55 and he is 53; Husband of 4 yrs diagnosed w/ early onset Dementia 2 days before wedding day. Out of the blue 2 wks ago he said he feels like we’re not compatible. He wants to separate and clear his head. He says that at the end of the day he needs silence and to see what is left of him. He wants to buy an RV and be alone. He refuses to go back to the dr. He’s currently dealing with a lot of stress. His mother and aunt are both close to passing. This came out of nowhere. He is the caregiver for them because he won’t let anyone else help. This man is the love of my life. I knew what I was getting into when we married, but now he’s just throwing it all away. I want to be there for him and support him and take care of him but he just keeps pushing me away. He seems so cold and distant, he is emotionally empty. When I am emotional it angers him and he tells me to stop playing the victim and walks away. His kids have all talked to him and tried to talk him out of it but he is dead set on this plan. He appears to be lucid and normal to them but they are not with him every day. I’m worried about him and his safety and I don’t know what to do. We’re in the process of packing up our house to sell. He said that I deserve someone who can return my love and give me the things that he can’t. Please help!!
If that is what he's doing, then he's giving you the most loving and unselfish gift he can give while he still has his mind
my mom always stated she never wanted to burden her kids when she got older. She wanted us to live our lives...she wanted to move away to make it easier because we were way to close to her distance wise as well as emotionally.
Well that never happened & she had a hemorrhagic stroke after she was diagnosed w/ dementia. I moved her in with me & I’ll tell you, it’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. One has to be gifted with A LOT of patience.
Caregiving is exhausting with one person much less with 2?!
Mom has consumed my life...literally!
The husband of Newlywed55 has his hands full & probably could use some alone time. Dementia is a very selfish disease and it doesn’t matter who it hurts!
You say the home is being sold. Is your husband mentally capable of doing that now? And of handling the care of two elders?
If your husband is currently this far from you mentally, then in all honesty a division of assets may turn out to be a GOOD thing, even if you remain his DPOA and Guardian for care in future.
You say that you yourself have health care limitations. What are they? What support system is there for each of you going forward?
My advice right now is to step back as much as you can for a few weeks and reassess where you are. The unwillingness to see a doctor is a very very very bad signal indeed.
But I get a small vibe this man is wrapping his life up - I hope I am wrong.
Please seek medical help for him.
Yes stress effects Dementia. Your DH should not be the one caring for his Mom and Aunt. But fighting with him will get you nowhere. I feel one of the first things to go besides short term memory loss is the ability to reason. You can't reason with him. Evening is usually "sundowning" time. If he wants that time to himself, then give it to him. If he hasn't lost the ability to process he will.
There is no cure for this. You need to realize that he will get worse. There are stages. He will be unpredictable. Will need someone there 24/7. You will be the one he lashes out at.
Why are you selling the house? This is where he is familiar with things. Change is not a good thing. When you move, you may find some confusion there too.
And yes, stress can make dementia symptoms worse. In fact, severe stress can cause dementia. EO dementia caused by one of the neurodegenerative diseases normally progresses much faster than you describe. So get him back into the drs office o see what you're dealing with. His PCP can do simple cognitive tests to detect dementia, but he/she is not trained to determine the cause. I hope your visit to the neurologist this week is fruitful and answers some of your questions. We'll be thinking of you. Let us know.
I think he is hurting and maybe angry some and does not no how to handle is emotions. Therefore, I think he wants to be alone.
I'm sure he does have a lot on his mind.
Most men handle their emotions by being alone.
However, you asked if very stressful situations can make dementia symptoms worse. Yes, they can.
In fact, studies have shown that people who live in stress when they are younger are more vulnerable to developing dementia later in life.
Her oldest son died unexpectedly and she totally split from reality immediately. He died in March and right away her husband could no longer take care of her in the home (and Lord knows he/we tried). Within a few months she could not remember how to walk or to follow any kind of direction from physical therapy. By Oct/Nov she said she knew my boyfriends face, he looked familiar, but had no idea he was her son. Even if you told her his name, she would smile and repeat the name, but you could tell she was no longer putting 2 and 2 together. She passed on Christmas Eve. We were very shocked at the immediate decline. Everyone could put an exact finger on the loss of son and how her mind totally left her when that happened.
Without crying or becoming too emotional (yes, it's hard), why not try a different approach. Tell him you have no where to go and suggest a roommate situation. He can help you and you can help him.
I know you're in the process of selling the home, but appeal to what may be left of 'financial' thinking for him - two homes are more expensive to maintain and you both need a place to live. You've only been married a short time - so what is the agreement (if any) about division of property? If you get half, you might toss that into the conversation about the incomes will go further if you are together than if each of you only takes half to find a new place to live. . .maybe a higher mortgage payment than either can afford.
Does he plan to buy the RV from sale of the home? Or does he have access to other monies that would pay for an RV? There's a good chance he could go to a dealer and make the purchase without anyone knowing about it.
You know, it may also be possible that there is just enough reasoning left in his mind that he just wants you to move on before his memory is really gone. Maybe he really doesn't want you to go through or see him when things go south. His brain may also be a blur of thoughts with his family issues and he really does need to have some quiet. (I know that as a caregiver myself, sometimes my own brain is going 100mph - I joke about getting a morphine machine so I can just push the button and get a sound sleep). Is it possible for him to get a room or a cabin at a park for a week just to quiet his brain - doesn't have to be that far from home. If his kids have quiet lives, maybe just a few days out of the house and stay with them. His world is being turned upside down and now yours. Bless you as you do your best to resolve.
See All Answers