Family members are calling Mom (Advanced Alzheimer’s, COPD, CHF) who is in skilled nursing and under Hospice care. I encourage it, but they ask her very complicated questions like what her prognosis is and when is she going home. It agitates and embarrasses her. It’s hard to explain her condition to those who haven’t seen her. She’s blissfully unaware. I try to explain to keep it light and fun, talk about childhood. But I feel like they think I’m hiding things or trying to manipulate her. Thoughts on how to explain to family to go easy?
I had to make a few of those calls myself to the "well meaning" relatives who caused my mother nothing but upset when she lived in Memory Care Assisted Living with advanced dementia. These people's ignorance is no excuse for upsetting our mother's and then WE are left to clean up the fallout and the extra tears they cause! I did whatever I had to do to help mom and I didn't care about stepping on anyone's toes because NONE of these family members did ONE single thing to help me. So I'd be damned if I'd sit by and watch them do things to HURT me or mom, nope.
The last thing the elders need is agitation to add to their issues, that's for sure. The goal with dementia and Alzheimer's is to keep them calm at all costs, especially when hospice is on board. That's the message to anyone who wants to call, or their number will be blocked. Don't encourage calls from people who are too dense to understand the situation or who think you are keeping them in the dark 🙄
I'm sorry you're going thru such a stressful time with your mom now. I pray that you have the strength to push out all the noise in your lives right now so you can focus only on what's important. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace and guidance thru this end of life journey.
A polite email may work for some.. others need good firm chat to knock some common sense into them 😁
Ask for any hand out handout/brochure that is suitable to share via email with extended family members that are struggling to understand.
The aim will be a little education for them.
I get that you care deeply & wish to spare Mom awkward conversations, but you can't control what they ask or talk about with Mom of course. Offer a little education + a little advice to be light as you said, then let it go. (As some folk will stay in ignorance/denial no matter what evidence is before them). You will need your energy for bigger things.
Strength to you for the road ahead.
Your job is to establish and maintain Mom’s SAFETY AND COMFORT, not to be the family geriatric educator.
If ignorant/naive family become a challenge to her discomfort and actually “agitate”, either the Hospice manager or the facility management (or both), may be willing to “guard the door”.
It’s doubtful that if “loving family” haven’t picked up on your previous suggestions, they’ll be dissuaded by being “educated”.
YOU have NO REASONS to be concerned about what others think. Assume your justifiable role in the driver’s seat and stay there. She needs calm interactions dictated by the person who knows her best.
She’s lucky to have you.
I read this and thanked God he took my one Aunt before my Mom passed. I could just seeing her doing this stuff and when something said to her getting indignant. These type of people can not be emailed. You have to be blunt because they have no idea how to read between the lines.
Have you explained that Mom is dying?? Do they not know what hospice is?
Have you explained that alzheimers is brain damage and not merely "forgetfulness"?
Hit them with HARD and BRUTAL truths to stop them from being HARD and BRUTAL to your Mom.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Then they can ask less direct questions. I haven’t read any other comments but will tell you this. When my mom started getting dementia my brother told me never to say that word again, he was angry. He finally came around and I know his anger came from fear. Please be patient with your sibs, it’ll take each o them their own time to come around to understanding.
love and light
you are doing a great job and I know how hard it is
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