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I know some may get offended by this and I apologize. My dog died December 9 2017. He was a 13 to 14 year old Pomeranian. I know he was a dog , not a person. I get that. However the last 36 hours of his life were horrible. His trachea and larynx collapsed. Something that happens to older Pomeranian ‘s. He had surgery. He just could not breathe with out a tracheotomy. I said no. He would hate that. I did not go to the vet hospital to see him get euthanized. I just couldn’t. It would have made him more excited and less able to even lay down. The vet agreed. I feel tremendously guilty for choosing to let him pass to the rainbow bridge alone. I hope we will meet again. I also feel I was beyond selfish that I was not the last person he saw. It was a choice I made. Yes selfish. I didn’t want to see it happen. Don’t know what’s worse ,seeing him pass or the guilt from not
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Dying is just a part of the lifecycle so get used to it because you'll probably get to watch others die throughout your life if you have a very big social network or even a big family. Think of what medical personnel encounter every single day. They deal with losing patients and even DOA at accidents give it to God and just move on. If you think you have it bad, there's always someone else who has it far worse than you and even far worse than the medical personnel. Think of your local funeral director and your morticians.
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I was with my dad in the hospital when he died. His last words, about two hours before, were "I love you very much." We had decided to let nature take its course rather than place him on a ventilator with no hope of recovery. I held his hand as he took his last breath. I have no regrets.

What I do have regrets about was not being there when my grandmother died 12 years ago. I was living in California and got a call from my cousin in NC that Memee was in the hospital but "it's not serious". Deep down I knew I should get on a plane right away. A day later we discovered that she had had a brain stem stroke and the end was near. I got on the first plane I could but didn't get there in time to say goodbye. She raised me and we had a fraught relationship but it took me years to get over not being there.
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It broke my heart to watch Mother die.She fought so hard to live and never wanted to die and I sure never wanted to loose her.She started her death journey at 10 after 9 in the morning and fought death for 16 hours,panting like a dog,then her oxygen went way down and I couldn't bring her back.I tried so hard.I didn't want to let her go.But her body was very tired and it was God's perfect time and she left me and I have felt lost since.I don't know if I'll ever get over watching her die.
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As a nurse, I've probably witnessed more people dying than the average person. While taking the pre required classes before I got into the nursing program, I thought about how death would affect me. (I had never seen anyone die before.) I decided to educate myself on the subject and read the book, "On Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubbler Ross. It explains the stages the living go through to cope with having to let go of their loved one. I recommend it.

Death is a taboo subject in the American culture. We spend millions on "birthing" books but nobody buys a book on dying. No one talks about watching a loved one die, so there is no learning about what happens in the process from others. There are sights, sounds and possibly smells that assult our senses. It is part of the process. Birth is actually an estetically "ugly" process also but we embrace that.

The problem is that we are very emotionally connected to the dying person. We don't want to see them in the most primal human condition such as foaming at the mouth, skin turning purplish, feeling icy cold to the touch. It is part of passing over but it scares us. We want to "help" them so they don't suffer.

It sounds funny to educate ourselves on the dying process but we inform ourselves of all the diseases and treatments that our LO has, sometimes becoming "experts" at their care. We need to inform ourselves for the end stage also.
Take advantage of hospice. The nurses can (and I do) explain each phase and what causes it. It seems to ease the families' anxiety. We are traumatized because we are helpless.
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We often forget that in earlier centuries, it was much more common for people to be at their relatives' bedside when they died. The dying process is never "pretty" - and I think that spiritual groups do a disservice when they talk about how wonderful it is to be at bedside during the death of a family member. No, it's not always "wonderful" - sometimes it is quite traumatic for the witnesses.

I've known a few people who described how unprepared they were for things like the mottling of the skin, the death rattle, etc. that accompanies the actual dying. Some became so alarmed that they called 911 and had the person taken to the hospital - because they could not deal with the actual dying process signs and symptoms - even though the patient was adamant about wanting to die at home.
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We are never prepared for witnessing the death of a loved one. I experienced this with my sister and my mother. My saving grace is that I was with them and they were not alone and it was time for them to go to a better place and be pain free and whole again. Take care of yourself.
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Personally I don’t want to see any one die or any creature. I take stink bugs outside in a Kleenex. I am an avid Star Trek fan and I believe some of us are like Mr. Spock and some of us are like Captain Kirk and Bones. Some people just don’t like to show emotions . Doesn’t mean they don’t have them. Some of my best friends are quite the opposite of me. ( have to figure that out). I’m Mr Spock.   
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Good thing I wasn't looking for sympathy then isn't it?

When you love someone a lot and they die whether it be in their 20th or 90th year it's going to hurt. Taking me, me, me out of the equation is easier said than done. It's got nothing to do with being selfish or unselfish.

So great for you that you are unaffected by it. Go give yourself a pat on the back and stop criticizing others for having feelings.
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Death, like taxes, comes to us all. I think that people who are observers really have to take themselves and their feelings out of the equation. This modern idea of "me, me, me" in reaction to all life events is most unhelpful. When watching a very sick person die, slipping away out of reach, why should you be traumatised? For them, death comes as a friend, even if the means of passing is painful. Many people in their late 80s and 90s have "life fatigue" - they really don't see why they have to carry on living. So you should provide solace to the dying person, be quietly present and think of them, not of you. It is your job to have prepared yourself in advance so that you don't disturb their death, which is in fact a very private event.  

What you do afterwards is mourn the absence of that person,  grieve for the gap they leave in your life, not for the way they died, and take the time you need to do it properly. This is not trauma, this is grief.

My younger brother died in an accident abroad. Aged 18. Totally unforeseen. Now that was traumatic. It triggered my father's decline in health and eventual death at the relatively young age of 53.  I was unexpectedly at home, having come down from university for a meeting. He slept on the ground floor and died alone during that night. My mother came and woke me up at 5.30 am with a small tot of whisky each and we toasted his memory with tears pouring down our faces. Then I got up, went down and looked at my father, disabled for all the years of my life, and he was lying on the floor, face down, dead. We had waited for this for 6 months. The grief of his passing gripped me for ten years, but I was not traumatised. I had to break the news to my younger sisters, still at school, and one of them, aged 14, took it badly. But even that passed. 

Our house was already sold to pay family debts, we had no money, life was tough but we had to cope and carry on. My mother was a tower of strength and her daughters supported her. If we had fallen about being traumatised, she would have boxed our ears for being so selfish. We all grieved later, in our own way.

Decades later my mother died at home three days before I was due to come and visit her from abroad. I felt cheated at the time, but recognised she had always wanted to "go" on her own terms - no nursing homes, no deathbed scene - and she was carried off by an unexpected heart attack, after pulling a carpet straight. Not wise if you are in your 89th year.  

So, I am afraid I am really unsympathetic. Death is such a normal part of being mortal. Take it in your stride.
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While I am glad I could be with my Mom when she passed I did not consider it a privilege. In fact, I think I permanently traumatized myself by doing so. If I had not, I would have regretted it but on the other hand, if you are an extremely sensitive person like I am you may want to reconsider how much time you spend at a deathbed. Those sad images and sounds are permanently etched into my mind and have kept me awake many a night and as it turned out my Mom passed in the two or three hours I wasn't there. So, be there for your dying loved ones most definitely but do so with your eyes open.
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And it's a privilege for them also, to have you there.
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I think it is a privilege to be with someone when they die.
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I feel as Gershun does. Although it was very, very difficult to watch my father die, and I saw him take his last breath, I was comforted by having accompanied him to the end of his journey here. Dad knew on some level that he was not alone. They say that hearing is the last of the senses to go when one dies; if so, then Dad's last memory of earthly love was my mom telling him over and over how much she loved him. My faith tells me that I will see him again, and so the sad, even frightening memories of that day do not have the last word.
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xinabess, as much as I feel my mind, heart and soul were somehow altered by sitting hour after hour beside my Mom as she slowly faded away, if I had chosen not to be there, I would have had to live with the guilt that would have caused.

The thing that comforts me is my faith. My Mom was a strong, Christian woman who knew she was going to heaven. Knowing that she knew that and that I will possibly see her again one day comforts me.

I am in no way pushing religion on anyone. Just stating my reality. If someone does not agree with it, fine.
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Gershun,

I understand your point completely (whether it's worse to be there or not). My mom is clearly heading toward hospice at this point. I can't even imagine holding it together during the intake with the hospice folks, let alone watching her die. I am so anxious (in case anyone didn't figure that out!) that I would definitely panic and want to run out of the room if I saw the rattle and the other signs. I would for sure be traumatized.

Sometimes I watch her sleeping peacefully and even take a photo to try to "prepare" myself.
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Hi Gershun Thank you for forgiving my callous remarks months ago. I am so sorry. No one escapes dying and you did the best you could. I saw my dad a few hours after he had died in the hospital. He had a heart attack died suddenly at 54. I wasn't with him when he died. When I think of him now , he died 30 years ago, I remember the handsome , cigar smoking , fun guy and his voice.
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I watched my Mom dying. I wasn't there for her final moments but I was there as soon as they started "comfort care". When they took her off all fluids and started administering morphine. Although as close as I was to my Mom, I think it was unwise of me to have stayed there with her as much as I did. I truly feel I permanently traumatized myself. Late at night, I think of her like that and not how she was in life.

Although, I know if I had not been there I would have had to live with that as well. So, which is harder? I can't answer that one.
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I think the greatest gift from the heavens is to die in sleep. And really wonderful but probably never happens , is to never know you are sick
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For me the hardest part wasn't just the final hour...but the final 14 hours.

Hospice had told me that often when the end comes the patient has a "death rattle". The sound of their breathing,

With my Mom, that rattle started at 4pm and lasted until death at 6am the next morning.

It is horrible to hear. It is loud, you will not mistake it even if you never heard it before.

It haunts me.
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Agree. Completely.   I wrote on this post months ago.  I was rude.  Just had a bad day and I was wrong.  I never want to see anyone die.  
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This makes me wonder if it is better not to be there when someone you love dies. I cannot bear the thought of watching my mother die. I know I would panic. As it is, I freak whenever she so much as makes a weird face, worrying that something's happening. I would most likely be alone with her too (no siblings), which would be even more terrifying. (Maybe I could do it if the nurses gave me morphine!)
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I was never really sat with someone and watched them die. I would bet that this is something you'll probably never forget as long as you live. Death is never easy to deal with, just think of what our morticians and funeral directors experience when they must work with corpses and disposition them daily. If you're blessed to know a mortician or funeral director, just talk to one of them and see how they cope
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I feel the same way..I feel as if my family members are dying all around me. I have moved back home to care for both my elderly parents, one with vascular dementia and one bedridden with late stage alzheimers. I watched my dad pass about 4 weeks ago..some things you just can't unsee. My mind has gone blank..I can't remember my father's face. My mom was in no condition to cope. When the funeral home came to get him she had already forgotten why he was lying lifeless in the bed next to hers..I slept on the floor for about two weeks giving meds or any comfort I could provide to my father..I am numb..but I keep trying to tell myself it is a natural phase of life..I don't know..I still struggle with this daily.
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Erinm60, no offence taken. My dogs have been family. I used my own arthritis supplement for my dog after reading her meds had same ingredients. It helped her arthritis for awhile. Your question was legit, and I am glad it was answered. Not all of us have had animal contact and feel emotionally connected to them. Take care.
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Find a therapist in your area that specializes in EMDR. This therapy is used for post-traumatic stress disorder.... when the brain becomes overwhelmed and not prepared to deal with certain trauma it can be reprocessed. I'm a mental health therapist and have seen this modality work for so many people
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Wow! This question has been a popular, necessary thread. I came across it tonight while looking for answers about end of life signs, for my aunt. 6 years ago addiewrain55 wrote so well about how she felt after watching someone die. Great description. My Dad died in between Mom's and my visits. I was not with him, but after funeral I tried to return to normal life, but felt out of touch. I felt like an old Star Trek person, beamed back to my ship, but only 1/2 there, incomplete. addiewrain55 wrote, "I felt so detached for a long time. It was like the world was foreign to me...like I wasn't connected to it anymore. It took me a long time to get over this."

A few years later I was with my husband when he died, and I could feel his spirit pass. A much better experience for me, but I still needed counseling later. I used both private and group grief therapy.

Another thing that helped me was wise words from a friend whose 2 teen sons were murdered. "The hardest thing was getting up in the morning, but do it. Get up, clean up and suit up, show up." That meant leaving the house every day. After awhile life got easier.

Thanks to all of you.
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Thanks. Again sorry.
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Apology accepted.:)
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Sorry meant no offense to any one. Was only curious as to what is given to people Have seen a few pets pass. Any way very sorry for offending anyone
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