Mom clinically depressed for 20 years. Lives alone in same house for 60 years. I am 20 hrs away in another state. She says she will move but then gets depressed and too sick to move. She’s a hoarder and never cleans. Thd house is disgusting. She won’t let anyone come in except my brother. My brother goes up once a month. My other brother farther than me. I’m sick over it. She can not live with me. Not an option. I cared for my dad with dementia in my home for 3 years. She could live a good life in a nice apartment here. She just says I’ll move when I’m better. What can I do. Talking to her is the most depressing and heart wrenching thing. She won’t get help. I write down how long she is depressed. Right now 15 weeks. Not going anywhere . Not getting dressed. I’m going up to see her in a few weeks. It’s been 4 years because walking in that house is going to be s nightmare. I know I will just want to pull her out. But she won’t go.
Suggest she get help.
Take her to her Doctor (or telehealth together) if possible.
She will need to change her mind in order to save herself & make changes.
So hard. Not much you actually can do.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. You can't have her recovery for her. You did yeoman's work taking care of your Dad. Your Mom may be a different story so please have tempered expectations.
FYI I would not set foot in that house. See if she'll come out the door to talk to you. This is called a boundary and you should defend it.
Your mom needs way more help than you could ever provide, with her depression and hoarding(which often go hand in hand)so try to involve as many as local agencies as possible like Senior Services and Area Agency on Aging. But I would start with APS.
Best wishes on getting your mom on the road to a better life.
I suggest to you Liz Scheier's excellent memoir called Never Simple, about her attempts to care for and rescue her mentally challenged Mom over many decades along with the city and state of New York, all to no avail. Not everything can be fixed. This is a tragedy and horrific to witness. I am so very sorry. I wish I had answers. But for mental illness there honestly are very few answers out there in our society.