I have been a full-time caregiver for my grandmother since I was 19, and now, at the age of 22, I continue to share this responsibility with my mother, although we live in separate homes. While my mother works full-time, I have transitioned to online studies to accommodate my caregiving duties. My affection for my grandmother is profound; she played a significant role in raising me. However, I often feel like I am sacrificing my youth to care for her. I have no friends, don't date, and my siblings only assist with minor tasks like putting her to bed and feeding her.
There are times when my grandmother's physical condition seems stable, but her mental state is deteriorating due to worsening dementia. She has become entirely dependent on me for essential tasks such as bathing, feeding, clothing, and administering her medication. I find it challenging to attend to my own needs because my day begins with caring for her until she falls asleep. She is quite stubborn and insists on doing only what she wants, which frequently leads to emotional outbursts and tears. Her need for constant attention is so demanding that I can't even use the bathroom without risking a meltdown.
Occasionally, I even catch myself losing patience and raising my voice when she gets into things or manages to wander outside, which is a safety concern. I often feel overwhelmed and trapped in my situation, with no one to turn to for help. My resentment toward my sister grows, as she is also in college, older than me, and enjoys a social life with friends. She comes home and shares stories of her day or night out, and I can't help but feel envious, wondering why this caregiving burden has fallen solely on my shoulders.
My grandmother has four children, including my mother and an aunt who lives two hours away and can only provide limited assistance. Today, my mother came over to drop off food for my grandmother and mentioned that she was going on a date with my stepfather. I neglected to mention that I had just undergone gastric sleeve surgery last Friday, which has contributed to my weight gain while caring for my grandmother. Although my mother offered me a week of respite, it doesn't feel like a true break, as I am still in the early stages of recovery.
As my mother left for her date, she appeared dressed up, and a wave of resentment washed over me. Despite these feelings, I chose to suppress them and complimented her on her appearance. However, within moments of her departure, my grandmother had an accident, and I found myself dealing with a messy situation, cleaning up after her and assisting her because I lacked the strength to put her in the bathtub. The urge to escape this overwhelming situation has never been stronger.
Best of luck to you.
Your mother and her siblings are. PERIOD.
So quit letting them use and abuse you just so they don't have to step up to the plate and do what they should have been doing all along.
I'm guessing there has had to be something in it for you, though you don't tell us what you're getting out of it.
But no matter what it is you're getting out of it it certainly can't be worth it right?
And I find it very interesting that you have resentment towards your sister, when your grandmother is not her responsibility either. Your resentment is misplaced as your grandmothers children are the only folks that should be doing any caregiving, and if they can't, well then Grandma goes into a facility of some sort.
So it's time now to put your big girl panties on and let grandma and mom know that your caregiving days are over and that you'll be going back to school, getting a job and getting your life back once a for all.
I just hope you're strong enough to put your foot down and stick up for yourself because I can tell you right now that if you don't no one else with either. So it's all up to you!
So go out there and get a life girl!
Your mom isn’t being fair to you. It’s natural for you to be frustrated with this situation. Your grandmother is caught in the middle of it all, probably not knowing what to think about everything going on.
My children adored my mom and she loved them. They had a good relationship. I would not have wanted them to be burdened with my mother’s care. I wanted them to enjoy spending time with my mother as “grandma” and not see her as a responsibility that they had to fulfill.
My children deserved to live their own lives just as you do. Caring for grandmother is your mother’s responsibility. If she doesn’t want to hire someone else then she can contact Council on Aging in your area to get an assessment on your grandmother’s needs and recommendations for future care.
Please tell your mom that this situation isn’t working out for you and that she will have to make other arrangements for your grandmother because you will not be available to help.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
The 20s is when you leave the nest and begin to make your way in the world, gathering jobs, education, friends and your own family as you go. This is your "job" now.
So the answer is that you tell her honestly. You tell her that you will be leaving home now, and that you will try to support her in her journey as she makes care decisions for her Mom, but that such support cannot be hands on. That you will now have the job of growing up, of flying the nest, of becoming educated and of getting a good job and saving for all you want out of life. Tell her you have limitations, and cannot do it all, and that your obligation now is not to your mother and her mother, but to yourself, and that you free her of obligation to you (which WAS her obligation until you were of age).
So you tell her gently and you tell her honestly. And then you move out on your own and you begin to live your own life. If already moved, you participate when you have extra time in giving Mom a bit of relief if she chooses hands on care of her mother.
I get it. You love your grandmother. She was a big part of your life, but she can't be your responsibility at your age.
You are at the age where you have to plan for your life. This means getting educated or beginning a career.
What happens if grandma lives until you're 40 or older? It can happen. Who provides for you when you have no work history skills other than how to live like a slave?
The answer is no one and you'll be ourr of luck then.
I was a caregiver for 25 years. Mostly to elderly and most with some kind of dementia. So this is how you start handling your grandmother's nonsense behavior of demanding constant attention.
IGNORE HER.
You don't jump when she gets fussy and wants something. You don't entertain her. When she starts acting up you shut that down quick by totally ignoring her. If a "meltdown" is starting up, handle it. If you have to be unpleasant or raise your voice, do it.
This is what you do today.
What you do tomorrow is contact the family and tell the you're all done with caregiving. Speak plainly and tell the truth of it. Then register for in-person school. Not online classes.
Let your mother, sister, and everyone else know what day your new college schedule starts. Give them plenty of time to work out who will be taking over the caregiving for your grandmother.
On the day your in-person classes start you go to whether your mother or anyone else has made arrangements for your grandmother.
No one is going to take you seriously if you don't act seriously. If that means leaving your grandmother alone, do that. Make sure Adult Protective Services knows what you're going to do, so you'll be covered. Then do it.
I used to be very much like you when I was young. Then I realized that people including your parents and family, will take blantant advantage if you're a person who allows themselves to be walked all over.
Congratulations on the weight loss surgery. You will see how much your life changes when you start looking and feeling better.
How you think of yourself will change too. It will become easier for you to be assertive and make your health and well-being a priority.
In fact, it should be your number one priority at your age. You're a 22 year old college student with no kids and not married. Your life is supposed to be your own at 22. It's also supposed to be fun. Yes, party time at your age. You should be going to school or maybe working, hanging out with friends, and havign a good time.
No one your age should be living and dealing with crap like caregiving for a demented elderly relative. There's plenty of time for that when you're middle-aged.
It's your mom's time for that. It's your time to be getting dressed up and going on dates, not hers.
If your family can't get their sh*t together and take over the caregiving, they will have to put your grandmother in memory care then.
It will not be your fault if she does go. It's time for you to be living the life of a single 22 year-old. Not a burned out 50 year old with serious responsibilities.
I'll bet your Mother, at 19-22 yrs of age, was NOT taking care of her Grandmother. At least I hope she wasn't. Even if she was, you're not obligated to do it too. By chance, are you from an immigrated family? Old world somethings? If so, those cultural traditions take a generation or 2 to die. Be aware that when you leave, the others might want to as well. This is not your problem.
You can soften the shock of quitting by offering helpful guidance to them.
Your Mom can contact social services for their county to seek an in-home assessment for some services: light meal prep, light housekeeping, hygiene, etc. It won't be full time.
Your Mom can contact her local Area Agency on Aging for other resources, or a local senior center.
If your Grandmother gets a social security check, this should go towards paying an aid. I'm going to guess she doesn't have enough money saved to pay for AL...
Does your Grandma have a PoA?
The caregiving arrangement only works if it works for both the giver and receiver. In your family's case it is not working and will only get more intense, exhausting and maybe expensive. I wish you much success in breaking free (and not feeling guilty). Create clear and strong boundaries for yourself. Leaving doesn't mean you don't love your Grandma and Mom. Making your life a priority is not wrong or selfish... if you burnout and cease to be able to help, then what? May you gain peace in your heart.
It’s not what they SAY. It’s what they DO that mattesrs.
You say "I cannot take care of grandmother anymore."
Period end of discussion.
The key here is how you feel about yourself in asserting yourself and realizing / expressing that YOU deserve a life - your life - now. You will not get these moments back so do whatever you need to do - to feel awkward, guilt, confusion, resentment ...
This is your mother's mother. Grandma is your mother's responsibility. Not yours.
If I were you, I would write it out.
You may need a script to read from as it will be hard to do.
Expect your mother to be p--ssed. So what? This is how she feels and she will respond as she responds. And, of course, she won't be happy, or even considerate of YOUR feelings and needs.
Give her a time limit. Put an end date of it.
However you feel - a two week notice? a month?
Your mother GOES out on a date? Really? And leaves her mother to you to manage? This is totally unacceptable. STOP doing it.
Your are way way too young to take on all this responsibility. STOP doing it.
I do not know if you live in the same house as your grandmother.
If you do not, it will be easier. If you do, get out of there ASAP.
You deserve a full life - and you've ALREADY done more than any young person should have been charged to do / take on this level of responsibility. Shame on your mother. Let her deal with her own mother. And, yes. This will be hard for you. You love your grandmother. Do NOT let that cloud your needs and desires to do what any healthy young woman 22 wants to do. Live her own life. You are a really good, mature loving person. That will not change. Although the circumstances have to and only you can do that. It sounds like you've been a scape goat. Stop allowing that.
Set boundaries for yourself.
You learn to set boundaries when you care enough for yourself, love yourself enough to do that. You are there. And we are with you.
Gena / Touch Matters
Why are you taking care of grandma ? Is grandma paying the rent ? Is she paying you to care for her?
Are you able to live on your own and pay rent? Or share rent with a sibling or friend ? Or move back home with your Mom?
You are not obligated to take care of grandma. You are young and should be able to go out and socialize like the other’s in your family are doing .
You need to tell your mother that grandma is too difficult to handle any longer for you. Your mother needs to put Grandma in memory care .
I hope you can find a financial way that you don’t need to live with grandma .
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