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My mom and I had a very unhealthy relationship my entire life. I am the second youngest, and the only one of my siblings to leave my hometown area and move away. I was the first to go to college. My mom did not want me to go to college, she made that very clear. She has resented me for 30 years for going anyway and told everyone that. I moved away as soon as I graduated. I tried to maintain a relationship with her, but it was very hard. The only times she ever called me were when she needed something. My dad died when I was a toddler. I have three living siblings: older sister is on the spectrum, works a minimum wage job and lived for the past 25 years in a mobile home practically in my mom's back yard; oldest brother is an alcoholic (recently diagnosed with alcohol related dementia). My younger sister is an addict. She is also an RN but has been fired from more jobs than I can count (stealing meds, no-showing). My other brother passed away of alcohol related issues. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a year ago. Before we got the diagnosis, when she first started having symptoms, I went down to be with her for the hysterectomy and subsequent recovery. Even though my other siblings live close by and I'm 240 miles away, no one wanted to do it because she is so difficult. What we expected to be an outpatient surgery ended up being a 22-day hospital stay with several very close calls. I stayed with her from the time she went for the surgery until she was released and was able to go home. I helped her go to the bathroom, I emptied her drains, I emptied her catheter, I bathed her - all things that are very personal and I knew she would be uncomfortable so I tried everything I could to make it less so. I reminded her how many times she had changed my diapers, fed me, etc. Mom resented me and made it clear she wished she had someone else - anyone else - to take care of her. My older sister did not want to help. My younger sister came twice to the hospital but was so high both times the nursing staff asked me to ask her to leave. My brother was in no shape to help. Every other person in her life she has alienated with her hateful attitude and constant character attacks. She alienated my aunts and uncles as well. I put my business and my life on hold while she was sick because I wanted to her get good care and she wanted to be at home. After a few months, the cancer took away her ability to get out of bed. Still kept her at home, changed diapers, carried her to potty chair, tried everything to keep her at home but mom got very combative and one day a visiting hospice nurse saw her hit me and implored me to put her in inpatient hospice because she refused to take her pain meds and I was at my wits end. Mom hated the hospice although it was lovely. She called the nurses and chaplains names. She bit a syringe in half the first night she was there and then smugly said "you are lucky - I was going for your finger." The chaplains tried SO very hard to get through to her. They asked her if she had anyone, she needed to make amends with because she lingered on and suffered for weeks. She told them a lot of people had wronged HER so they should try going out and finding those people and bringing them in to apologize to her. She refused meds (pain meds, which was awful, and I begged them to give them to her anyway because otherwise she was in excruciating pain). One of my aunts came to visit and mom told her I had put her there "in this bad place" and no one could find her. The reality was no one wanted to visit which broke my heart for her. She called out for my dad and for her mother and would angrily scream their names because I guess they did not answer. She kept seeing a man in a black hat and overcoat behind the door. I hear about other people seeing people in white or family members. I am haunted by the fact she died so angry and with so much hate. And I cannot find peace now because of it.

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I want to commend you for rising above what could have been a terrible life.
I think (I am not a therapist..but I play one on the internet🤣) your mom was jealous of your success, your ability to do what you have done despite her.

This also sorta wants me to know what her childhood was like. It may not have been a pleasant one.

You can't make someone happy.
You did everything for mom that you could but you couldn't make her happy.
What you can take away from this is your mom did what a mother is supposed to do. She taught you how to survive in this world. You took one road to survival it seems your siblings took another. You are a better person for how you changed your circumstances.

YOU can rest easy knowing that you did what you could and that you could not have changed her outlook.

If you are not seeing a therapist please consider doing so just to talk a bit to ease your mind that there really is nothing more you could have done.
((hugs)) for you.
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MomToMaximus Apr 25, 2024
My mom always told us horror stories about her childhood but my aunts and uncles all tell wonderful stories of childhood. So I don’t know what to believe anymore. But I know she considered her childhood to be a bad one so maybe her perception is all that matters. I used that to give her a pass for many years. But I found out shortly before she passed that she had embellished some of the horrible things she went through- she admitted some of the things were not accurate. I think probably some bad things did happen and people internalize those and don’t get over them and I feel sorry for her that she had what she described at the end as a crappy life. She told the chaplains and nurses - and me - that she was angry because she deserved better. Maybe it was mental illness. I will never know for sure.
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I think you should feel peace now precisely because your mother has transitioned and is now at perfect peace HERSELF, finally, after a lifetime of mental illness and anger. She had her life and lived it as she saw fit and was able, and you went above and beyond to make her end of life experience as good as possible. For you to be haunted now that she is finally at peace is to perpetuate this dysfunctional lifestyle you've had the misfortune to live with all this time. Now it's your turn to be happy and enjoy life, not dwell in the misery that was your mother's life.

Please get some grief therapy for yourself if you're unable to move past these feelings.

My condolences on the loss of your mother.
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I am so sorry. As you so vividly describe, your mother was terribly mentally ill all of her life and I struggle to imagine ANYONE being able to bring any sort of peace to her last days and weeks.

You did a heroic job anyway, and I commend you for being the kind of wonderfully conscientious, loving and strong person you are despite all the horrible things you endured at this person’s hands.

Grace and peace to you, and all the best for your future.
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Try to find a grief group. Above all forgive yourself even though you went way beyond the call of duty. I did this recently. It is approaching the one year anniversary of my mother's passing. I can be hard on myself for times I felt frustrated with my mother. This goes back to my childhood. She could be complicated but once she entered AL I did my best to meet her needs and advocate for her.

Your mother made your life difficult. This can be a burden we bear. We often long for a different relationship but we can't change who our mother was. I found myself blaming myself for incidents that occurred at one of the facilities she was in. I got her moved. Yes I wish I was more patient at times. I wish she had taken better care of herself in earlier years. As she had been a serious dancer her later behavior confused and frustrated me but that was because I cared for her well being.

It simply is not worth torturing yourself. You did so much with little help due to the behavior of your siblings. I happen to be an only child so I was responsible for all decisions. We are about to expect our 6th grandchild and I want to be happy and helpful for that as well as a good grandmother to the other five. I can't do that if I am in inner turmoil about what I cannot change.

Please try to take back control of your life which may take time and realize you have worth and deserve happiness.
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MomToMaximus Apr 25, 2024
Wise words for sure thank you
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It sounds like you're grieving the loss of the relationship you'd hoped you'd have. That once you went above and beyond for her, she'd at least see you were there to care for her. As is often the case with people like your mom, she didn't. She dug in her heels.

Yes, it's sad she chose this way. It's what she wanted. You could have stood by her 24/7 and she still wouldn't give a damn. Some people are just hateful and there's not enough love in the world to make them soften.

It's not up to you now to 'find peace'. She's gone. You couldn't change the outcome, no one could! Maybe hope she has peace now wherever she is.

Just be glad you broke the cycle. You're not broken like your siblings. You made it out.
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MomToMaximus Apr 25, 2024
You hit the nail on the head. Thank you.
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This resonates with me b/c as my MIL was 'dying' she became more hateful and horrid to those few people who still 'loved' her. (I wasn't one of them).

You cannot control someone's else's mental state. The fact that you hung in there to the bitter end speaks volumes about your own fine & loving character.

My DH is now 'trying' to grieve the loss of his mother, with whom he had a tenuous relationship at best. (Not as bad as yours, wow, that really takes the cake!) I wish he would get some counseling & grief therapy and he refuses. So he just feels awful a lot of the time.

Time will help with the healing. I know that sounds trite, but it's true. I know that now the CG for my MIL is over, the sibs are all trying to deal with the 'loss' and the fact that none of them feels very bad. Talking to each other, venting their feelings, all this is helping.

I am a person of faith and I know there is more life after this one. We have eternity to work things out. Taking that POV helps to put this life and its problems in perspective.

Your mom may have had undiagnosed mental illness, or she could have just been mean. That happens.

You go on and live your best life. Let mom's sad life serve as a warning about how you act. We serve as good examples or terrible warnings.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find peace.
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This s beyond awful, it is the stuff of nightmares. Im sorry you went through what you did. Your mother had mental issues throughout her life.

You need to get some help with forgetting about this trauma. My daughter is going to hypnotherapy to deal with issues in her life. She says it is helping. Maybe this is something to consider?
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I think what u were looking for a relationship with Mom you never had. Hoping that caring for her would bring u closer. Your Mom did not have the ability to love. You knew early on you needed to separate from her toxic behaviour. Your siblings weren't as lucky.

We r not responsible for others decisions. Your Mom passed on her own terms.
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I don't doubt you feel haunted because your Mom blamed you and guilted you for everything. My Mom operated the same way. I think your Mom died just the way she wanted to - causing a lot of angst for everyone involved. She didn't live very peacefully did she? But I understand feeling bad that no one visited. Same with my Mom. I can't even stand to visit her but I keep dragging myself there. I agree grief counseling will be helpful. Especially grieving the relationship with your Mom you deserved but never got. (Hugs)
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Your mother, diagnosed with stage IV, chose to fight to live a life that was a tragedy, and refused pain medications and Hospice care; while that's very sad, perhaps she created her own purgatory, and is now at peace.
Your mother died as she lived--with struggle and bitterness.
As an RN I can promise you that we ALMOST ALWAYS DO die just as we lived.
Why would you expect anything other?

You helped her because that is what you always attempted to do for her.
As an RN I can promise you that we ALMOST ALWAYS DO exactly what we always attempted to do.
Why would we do anything else?

And now, after ALL OF THIS LIFETIME OF THIS, you will choose to not find peace because she died angry by her own choice and because her limitations precluded her from being a decent human being and an even minimally adequate Mom?
Really? Because that's a shame and a waste, I think.

I would suggest seeing a really good cognitive therapist.
Find one that will shake you up good, not the one who sits, listens, nods her head and collects 200.00 for it. Find one that shocks you and makes you shudder.
Find one who will send you onto a road less traveled. Because you are stuck in the habits of a lifetime and they will do you harm.
I want more for you. If not happiness itself, I want at least contentment and a decent life for you.
Don't you want that yourself?

You have an extremely injured and dysfunctional family.
If you stay with them you will live the lives they choose to live.
And it IS a CHOICE.

Sorry to be so tough with you.
If I didn't CARE, I would just plaster you with platitudes of understanding and loving kindness.
I usually say I am sorry for your loss.
In fact, I am NOT sorry for it. I am glad that your poor unhappy mother is finally at peace.
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MomToMaximus Apr 25, 2024
The hospice nurses said this exact same thing over and over to me - that we generally die as we lived. And she was angry her whole life. I guess I just so wanted peace for her because the other loved ones - friends - I’ve lost had had peaceful deaths and hers was so traumatic because she was so angry and hateful. I know she did the best she could as a mom - I really do believe she just was ill equipped to be one. I just hoped if somehow she could have a peaceful death at least she’d leave this world more at ease than she was while
she was in it. Thank you for your words.
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