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Dad is in assisted living and even gets home visit PT. He gets irritated by my carefully stated attempts to encourage him walking with assistance or doing chair exercises and won’t go to exercise classes provided down the hall. I don’t want a fight.
You’ve had lots of great responses here, with great advice. I’ll just add my experience based on my dad’s recent health issues. My dad is 90. Very independent, wants to do things his own way. He was trying to walk daily but just getting weaker. One of the unfortunate things we do in our culture is push our elders to keep on living, when it may be their time to go. We had dad do about a month of PT daily after he had COVID. When the therapists told us he just wasn’t making progress, we had him assessed for hospice and he qualified. He’s been much happier since. It’s ok to let him move towards death in his own way. Everyone is different - and as children we often want to focus on recovery. Sounds like sharing the highlights of his amazing accomplishments as you have been is one way to connect with him. My dad enjoys talking about his positive life experiences as well, and basically just spending time with me. We talk walks (I push him in his wheelchair) and we chat about the grass, flowers, weather. Anything that gives him joy. Hospice helped us bring him back to his home on the lake in our state for two weeks! He really enjoyed that vacation. It’s hard to watch them decline, I know. Just three years ago my dad was driving and walking without a walker. Now he has to be hoyered from bed to chair, to wheelchair. Be kind to yourself too. You are adjusting to his new normal as well. When my dad would get rude or angry - which happened often over the last two years - there were times I simply said, “You are being hurtful and unkind. You shouldn’t speak to me or treat me this way,” and he would eventually apologize. I tried to keep in mind that his rapid decline was terribly painful and difficult for him as well. My dad also suffers from dementia which plays a factor in his emotions and responses. Hang in there! You obviously care and are there for him - that’s so important!
Louise, Ive read your words here at just the right time in my journey with my Dad. I think he, and I, are going to breathe a little more easily now. Bless you and many thanks!
I say this with much love and caring. Let it go, don’t argue. We want the best for them but if he doesn’t want it it’s ok. I just had to do this with my 91 year old Mom. I don’t want her last years to be me fighting with her over physical therapy. I want to remember us laughing and loving. 💕
You cannot force him to do physical therapy, so leave him alone, that's my suggestion. Remain on good terms with your dad at this time in his life and avoid the fights by suggesting he do things "for his own good". At 93, he's probably tired and in no mood to do what he's in no mood to do. My mother is 94.5 and a huge "fall risk" having taken 77 falls over the past 4 years or so, the most recent one tonight. No matter how much I bugged her, she insisted she "didn't believe in exercise" and fought off PT fiercely, so she went into a wheelchair fulltime in June of 2019. She still falls...37x since becoming wheelchair bound, so there's nothing anyone can do about it but keep sending in the team to pick her up. I quit talking to her about exercises and PT a while ago and leave all those decisions up to her. It's her life, after all, as wretched as it's become. Sigh.
All we can do is be there for them. It never feels like quite "enough" either, but we have to remember they get to make their own decisions, too, good bad or indifferent. It's not worth fighting with your dad because you'll lose this battle ANYWAY, as will I.
How challenging. I have backed waaay off on pushing my mom to be active but just can't keep from bringing it up at times. She does maybe 1/10th of what she should. The less she does, the less she can do, the more pain she is in, etc. Hard because she lives with me and it becomes a "the less YOU do, the more I have to do" which leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. Oh well......
What's the home visit PT's view? - That person is better placed than you can possibly be to weigh up your father's physical condition, realistic scope for improvement, attitude and motivation and therefore gauge how much carrot and how much stick is likely to work best on him. What kind of co-operation does the PT say s/he is getting?
If you don't want a fight with him, don't fight - which means, mainly, zip it. It's his body and his exercise program, but it's also his level of pain or fatigue or despondency or whatever it is that's stopping him right now. You could ask him wider questions about what he's feeling and thinking, and see if that sheds any light on what's standing in his way, but don't think of it as your responsibility to get him "up and at 'em."
Exactly right !!! Don’t make your visits all about this !! You won’t win!! Take advantage of time you have with your father to bring him special treats … walks … reminiscing and making him comfortable. It’s best you can do ! Put yourself in his shoes … you might be cranky as well the exercise isn’t going to make much difference .
Ahhh…the age old problem. He doesn’t want to be fixed, he doesn’t want to exercise and he wants to be in control. We want them to get better, stay active etc. it’s a losing battle so if I were you accept it. He is showing you he is in control and on top of that tired! To me one of the hardest things was seeing the decline in my dad who was always so active and could do anything. So of course I wanted him to stay that way. I finally realized I had to give up that dream and accept reality. You need to as well. Enjoy your dad while you’re still able and don’t push him to exercise. That is a battle you won’t win so let it go.
My mother's nursing home got my mother to participate in hitting a balloon back and forth. She would never do anything deemed to be actual exercise, but for some reason this one activity she would do.
So true! Exercise is a chore, but games are for fun! It is really difficult for the overworked caregivers to invent activities disguised as games, but they are so much more effective!
We have a cranky, independent mom, just like this. She needs therapy to keep her legs strong but doesnt want and wont accept help. Last October she went to a wedding and was walking with her walker. Its now August and shes in a wheelchair because her weak legs will no longer support her. ☹️ We and the aides\nurses\therapists have all tried to kindly encourage her to no avail. We cant force her to do it and shes making choices that will affect her future. Its really hard to watch. They now want to move her to the next level Wing, not because her dementia is worse, but because thats where people who need care, with mobility, like lifts, are. 😥 Im so sorry you face this as well. All we can do is our very best, and when we know we've done that, accept the rest.
My dad certainly got crabby when we bugged him to exercise better or more. Our family spent a long time thinking he wasn’t trying as he should, when the reality was he was simply worn out. He was exhausted emotionally and sometimes physically by all the encouragement to do more and try more. We backed off and let him live life as he saw best, or at least the way he was comfortable. I can’t say your situation is the same, but people don’t reach their 90’s often without being worn out and discouraged
At 93, having lost several loved ones, and showing signs of depression, he may feel there is little reason to keep living. There is nothing wrong if this is his attitude. Have an honest talk with him about this. This may be hard for you to accept; nevertheless, you should try. You note his mind is still sharp. Instead of focusing on his body, which is in decline, maybe you can find ways for him to do something productive with his mind during his remaining time.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
All we can do is be there for them. It never feels like quite "enough" either, but we have to remember they get to make their own decisions, too, good bad or indifferent. It's not worth fighting with your dad because you'll lose this battle ANYWAY, as will I.
If you don't want a fight with him, don't fight - which means, mainly, zip it. It's his body and his exercise program, but it's also his level of pain or fatigue or despondency or whatever it is that's stopping him right now. You could ask him wider questions about what he's feeling and thinking, and see if that sheds any light on what's standing in his way, but don't think of it as your responsibility to get him "up and at 'em."
the exercise isn’t going to make much difference .
To me one of the hardest things was seeing the decline in my dad who was always so active and could do anything. So of course I wanted him to stay that way. I finally realized I had to give up that dream and accept reality. You need to as well. Enjoy your dad while you’re still able and don’t push him to exercise. That is a battle you won’t win so let it go.
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