I have been on the frontlines/primary caregiver for first Mom, then sis with cancer, and now (for the past 10 years) my 97 yr old father. I have sacrificed my career, important moments with my children, my health, and my sanity. I had lung cancer surgery 3 years ago and know the stats for re-occurrence. My husband just retired and would like to travel some as we can’t read the future. My father is in an excellent AL (which he hates, but gives great care). How can I leave without feeling like I’ve abandoned him?
1) First check that Father really does ‘hate’ the AL. Go and observe some time when he can’t see you and doesn’t know you are there. Install a camera to watch him. Talk to the staff about how he seems to them. Some posters have been very surprised to see that the 'hate' complaints they get aren’t consistent with that way the LO acts when they aren’t there to see.
2) F ‘feels he is better than everyone’ else. ‘Being mistreated’ probably translates as not being treated as ‘better’. Chances are that this is a life position, for which YOU are NOT responsible. He is NOT going to be treated as ‘better than everyone else’ in an Aged Care facility, and you can’t deliver on his sense of self importance. Best to ignore it.
3) Stop listening when he “criticizes the facility, the staff, his fellow residents”. Change the subject. Walk out if he won’t stop. Listening just reinforces his sense of superiority and entitlement.
4) ‘How can I leave’… You just book a holiday and go. “Without feeling like I’ve abandoned him?” … Tell yourself that taking a break is NOT abandoning him. See a counselor if you need help to convince yourself.
5) Keep thinking some more about how your parents and family members have pushed you into this role. Part of the 'role' is accepting F's sense of self-importance, and your sense that your life isn't so important. Get angry with the whole thing! Change the script for the role! Be the person YOU want to be, not who they expect.
Good luck! Love, Margaret
I would add that perhaps part of the problem is he’s just not happy because he’s 97.
But no one is responsible for him getting old and no one can fix that . He may be a grouchy old man forever.
My FIL sounded very much like this man , unhappy , very entitled . Believed he was better than the others , refused to make friends in AL , rarely went to an activity. Said he didn’t belong there .
But what he really wanted was to turn the clock back about 25 years . He used to say he couldn’t believe his traveling and resort lifestyle ended . He had a very nice and long retirement and wanted to do it again !
Bring out your inner journo! "I'm done" may be the story, but the 'headline' you release to others can be whatever you choose;
I have retired.
DH & I are looking forward to travelling more in the future.
I am making some changes.
I have really got into <insert a new hobby> gardening, yoga, painting class, mahjong whatever!
Send Dad postcards from your new travels. You'll feel good sending them & he'll love getting them 💕
You deserve a life .
If he is in a good AL, what the problem? Has your father expressed a concern, or are you placing that fear on yourself?
You are taking a VACATION and he will continue to live at the AL, where he pays approximately $60,000 to get GOOD CARE.
🚢✈️🚙
You now have a possibly dire diagnosis, and a husband with whom you would like to have some goals toward happiness.
You have made difficult choices in life and you understand that WHATEVER choice you make, there are no choices that don't have a cost. You have paid that cost.
I would immediately seek the help of a very good cognitive therapist, one that will shake you up and get you exploring paths you never imagined. It will be scary. You have formed ways of being that haven't led to happiness, but stepping off those well trod paths is very frightening, because the world you inhabit is you KNOWN world and there is safety in that.
You deserve more.
You husband deserves more.
But only you can make the choice to GET THERE.
I wish you luck and hope you will update us.
Your father was rightly YOUR keeper, but you are not his keeper. You are your HUSBAND'S keeper, and your own. Your obligation is to live a good quality life. Your father did not create you to be his slave.
You are not abandoning him where in the world is that thought process coming from?
Make your husband and you....your priority not someone else, it is time to stop the Florance Nightengale mindset. Your father has lived a long time, now it is your turn.
Sending support your way.
Life is short as you already know and now that you yourself have health issues you best get out there and start enjoying your life with your husband, before it's too late.
Your father is being well taken care of, so now it's time for you to enjoy whatever time you may have left and to do whatever it is you want to without worrying about who needs your help next.
You've already given up enough of your life. Please don't give up any more.
Your father wouldn't want you to stop living and enjoying your life because of him, so get out there and live your life the way you want.
You deserve a vacation, you deserve your life back!
Go on your vacation and when you think about your dad, take a breath and remember what you have done for everyone, tell yours you deserve this and shake it off
Not only do you deserve it so does your husband. And your husband deserve all of you not a vacation where you are there but your thoughts are with you dad.
Enjoy your life today, because no of us know what tomorrow will bring.