My mother just turned 100 and is physically in great shape. She has struggled with depression for the last 7 years. She is already on anti-depressants. She lives independently in a senior facility. Up until her birthday 2 weeks ago she was active and social. She is now ready to check out (did the same thing in April, but we were able to get her to rally), wondering why she is still here and she is ready to go. We believe she will stop eating and drinking to hasten her death--which will take a while and be painful as she is otherwise healthy, which has been explained to her. How do we deal with this? One family member is checking in on her every day and the distant ones call all the time. We've done all the love, care and pep talk. Can we let her have her way and how can we make it not be painful or stressful. We feel like our backs are up against a wall and don't know how to let Mom pass peacefully when it is not her time.
I would also have depression if I was 100 years old and wondering what else I needed to be here for? I'm not being snarky, I really wonder if you can imagine how she truly feels. Only SHE really knows.
So last year, you helped her 'rally'. To what end?
OF COURSE you SHOULD let her 'have her way'. IF her choice is to shuffle off this mortal coil on HER TERMS, why not support that? She can stop eating and drinking, she can be offered Hospice which will make her passing pain-free and peaceful. She doesn't need to be scared--she needs your love and support now more than she ever has, or will.
The very LAST thing you should be doing is trying to guilt her into continue on in a life that, I would fathom, is not very rewarding any more. Is the whole family trying to talk her out of making the decision to go? That is very unfair, and unkind, to boot.
I guess this hits too close to home right now as I am actively praying for my poor mom to get to go 'home'.
Do you have beliefs in life after death? Perhaps, if you don't, then the thought of her passing is more than you can handle. If you do, you should respect the beliefs and realize she probably has far more family and friends on the 'other side' than she has here.
You sound like a loving wonderful family. She's been greatly blessed, I'm sure, and greatly loved. But she will 'live on' in all the members of the family, forever.
I find it extremely selfish that you and her family members want her to continue living, because you don't think it's her time.
News flash!!! Only God knows the day and the time that He will call her home, so please let your mother be, and let her die on her own terms and not yours.
After my dad died, my mom went through a short period of wanting to die. I helped her through it and she lived another
It's her life and her decision, not the family's, although I'm sure she appreciates and welcomes support, even if it doesn't mesh with her own plans.
I think I would focus more on recalling how much she means to you, let her know she's appreciated, she's given you great life lessons, etc. Let her go with those positive feelings, not ones that instill guilt b/c she's ready to be through with life.
Did she mention this or were your beliefs projected on her?
I am not trying to be rude by asking, just curious based on your wording.
Honestly, I would rather see a loved one pass peacefully then in misery and fear of what comes next. I think that she is very old and knows that her time is near, she has lived the greatest part of her life, even if she lives another 10 years, she is near her end. Acknowledge that.
She will die when it is her time and not a moment sooner. So stop worrying about what you can't control. It doesn't do any good and can be harmful to you physically.
It sounds like she is having struggles when the seasons change, have you asked her doctor about what can be done to help with the seasonal episodes? Maybe nothing can be done but it doesn't hurt to research it.
Best of luck coming to terms with losing your mom. It is a hard thing to experience but, it is just part of living and happens to us all.
Just an aside about my own situation: my grandmother didn't want any food in the month before her death and I made the regrettable mistake of trying to force her to take a little soup at times. I didn't know any better at the time but I promise you, you don't want to go that route because it made our last few weeks together unhappy for her and I hate that I did that instead of just being there with her and comforting her. Accept the decisions your mom makes and hold her hand along the way.
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