I've been caring for my mom's needs for twelve years, increasingly more and more to do. The last three years she's been living with me and my husband in our home. I can't even begin to describe my burnout. My mom and I looked at a few assisted living residences, and she now refuses to move or look at any more residences. She actually liked one of the ones that I showed her. She is incredibly angry and belligerent with me. She does not think that she needs care and what she does need should be taken care by me. My two older two siblings live about 1.5 hours away from me and do not take on any responsibility regarding her care. Yes, I've communicated multiple times with them but to no avail. How do I actually physically get my mom to move out of my house?
Usually when one's parent is in Rehab is the best time to look for Assisted Living, Memory Care, or a Nursing Home. That way we can say it is an extension of Rehab. And hopefully one's parent will settle in [fingers crossed].
When a parent moves in with a grown child, or vise versa, there is a change in the parent/child dynamics. The parent becomes the leader and you are viewed once again as the "kid" and what do kids know. Next thing you find out is that Mom has a different way of doing things, and you should follow suit.
I had to deal with my own Mom [98] that way, had to wait for an emergency. On the other hand, Dad accepted caregivers, and it was his idea later on to move to senior living. If only all parents were easy like that.
Choose from;
#1: SHE chooses the AL she likes, or
#2: YOU will choose the AL.
Note: both options include AL 😉
If she really pushes, offer option #3: live on the street
"She does not think that she needs care..." Denial or lack of insight. Common I am afraid.
".. and what she does need should be taken care by me." Entitled thinking based on outdated gender roles. Also common.
"She is incredibly angry and belligerent with me".
Also common. Throwing a fit is usually the way to get one's way, right?
Answer that with empathy-oh well-positive spin eg I am sad too, old age sure sucks, but it will be ok. 😞💩😊
Then add her name to the wait list of the AL she liked.
On the streets? Jesus ..
Why, why, WHY does this happen so much, where one sibling does all the work?
Who has POA/HCPOA?
Is your mother paying anything to live with you? Is she paying you anything for caregiving? If not, why not?
Realize your older sibs like the way things are now, so they are not going to want anything to change. You won't be able to change them, but you can change what YOU are willing to put up with.
We waited in the wings, she had a slight stroke, she was afraid to stay alone at night, we swooped her up, moved her to AL in Fl and sold her house.
Three years later, she loves it, no responsibility, friends, activities. She is 97 and teaches chair aerobics. Go Figure!
If you have the Durable POA, this may be the time to evoke it.
Good Luck