My father knew there was something going on because his hemoglobin kept dropping .. he needed an endoscopy or to swallow that camera pill but he absolutely refused— he just wanted to believe it was unexplained anemia and get a unit of blood every now & then - fast forward 4 or 5 months & Covid hit - I would come to mom & dad’s (mom is 83 and dad 86) and help my mom in the mornings - (she has early stage dementia ) but Dad would sleep til noon like he did all his life and then wanted to get up without anyone around so I would call out hello but didn't see him very often all thru 2020 because he wanted to be alone.. plus I was trying to limit being near because of Covid. I always wore my mask and still do. I would order groceries to be delivered & take him to appointments, including a couple of blood transfusions- He still insisted he didn’t want any tests. I came over on Christmas Eve but he went into the bedroom & didn’t want to come out. He has some social anxiety even with family so I was sad but not overly worried. On January 5, 2021, he collapsed with very low hemoglobin- & diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease/was in & out of the hospital and a skilled nursing facility & then slowed down his eating and drinking & then apparently stopped eating completely and was in the hospital again -/ this time not responding at all - my mom couldn’t do it so I had to sign to have him go to a Hospice House. There’s a lot more to it but it was just awful. He was hallucinating and miserable and looked in such pain at the end. He lasted 4 days in Hospice and I was with him a lot and talked to him and played music and FaceTimed family but he never regained consciousness. He died on March 16, 2021. It just breaks my heart. I thought he was coming home & I keep wondering if I let him down - if I missed something or if I tried hard enough in 2019 to get him to DO something- get some tests. How do I deal with the feeling that I didn’t do enough That I could have done better?
Some time later, my Dad, who told me he was very tired and very ready to go, sat in his easy chair watching TV with Mom (Larry King Live Monica Lewinsky interview) and took a breath and was gone.
Was there "something that could have been done?" Perhaps. But why? And what torturous treatments for what number of months at what cost to do something he did not want? I will forever be grateful for their acceptance that all our lives are going to the same end.
This was, for my Dad, palliative care in a time when it didn't exist. I am forever grateful for this doctor. I wish you healing and wonderful memories of your Dad who will always be with you.
Your father would not want you feeling bad over any of this, so instead try and remember the many good times you had with him, and allow yourself time to grieve, without any of the other G word(guilt).
May the Lord above give you peace and comfort in the days, weeks and months ahead.
Each decision gets us to where we are today. Sounds very simplistic. It is and it’s true.
About the only way we can escape loss is to not engage. But that seems the largest loss of all.
You were there. You helped him play out his life. You made offers of assistance. I always think I could have done more even when I’m exhausted. Your dad could have done more as well. As is often the case, the one we are most concerned about is not the one who goes first. We feel cheated. Like they slipped away before we were ready to say goodbye. It is hard. You sound like a wonderful daughter who bore witness to your fathers last days as much as he would allow.
Another thing I wanted to say that comes to mind is that sometimes we can be near the end and we just don’t know it. We don’t feel that bad or that Ill or that uncomfortable and it gets past us. Like the person who has dangerous blood pressure but doesn’t know it until the terrible stroke. “silent killer”.
My husband rode around trying to decide which ER he wanted to go to after having a heart attack. It didn’t hurt like he thought it should if it were really serious.
I allowed myself to get dehydrated and spent a week in hospital during a Covid surge. I was just tired I thought. I’d never been dehydrated before.
We just don’t realize how near catastrophe we are sometimes. It certainly is no ones fault. Poor decision making perhaps. Regardless your dads thinking had probably gotten fuzzy with his blood issues. He was no longer able to be his best advocate. But as you say, his day to day was pretty normal for him.
I am so sorry. He was loved and you miss him and that’s normal. You wouldn’t want it otherwise. It’s extremely early days to feel anything other than a great loss. To lose a loved one is an assault. It’s no ones fault. It’s life and it’s messy. You will feel better. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t second guess yourself. It was out of your hands. He lived a longer than average life. It was his time. Hugs to you and your mom.
If he was admitted to a hospice house, he was where he was supposed to be.
Your dad knew that you loved both he and your mom.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. You are grieving for him. May he Rest In Peace. He would want you to be at peace too.
Try to be at peace with yourself knowing you were a wonderful daughter. Your dad is at peace now. Remember him when he was healthy and happy, so you can begin the healing process. My condolences for your loss.
All the best.