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He gets in my half of the bed and is incontinent there. We have two twins pushed together like a queen. Somehow today he managed to get a long fully formed bowel movement stuck between the two beds, soiling the sheets, the mattress protector, the comforter and the bed bases in both beds.


He gets directly in my way and sits down and refuses to get up from whatever I am in the process of cleaning. If I give him his cane and ask him to get up he screams and if he does get up his legs “give out” and he sits, lies on the floor and then pulls himself back up on whatever I am asking him to get off of.


I could just cry right now. He was sick but does anything to make it more messy, more difficult to clean up, and never says a thank you. He is just plain mean. The BM between the beds was a surprise after helping him wash, change, feed him, and cleaning the urine, feces and vomit that was visible.


I don’t see how it could be deliberate but this only seems to happen on days we have gotten washed, dressed, I have changed all the bedding and cleaned the floors.


Am I crazy or could it somehow be deliberate? I have found out about so many lies he told me, times he gaslighted me, and according to him, got a kick out of getting away with it.


We had a great marriage for at least the first 20 years but that is getting to be a long time ago now. There are days still when we laugh and talk and enjoy day to day life together but a lot of the time my heart is just broken.

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Yes. Your husband's behavior can absolutely be deliberate. I was an in-home caregiver for a long time (25 years) and have seen exactly this kind of behavior many times and it was absolutely deliberate.

I am reminded of a client I had some years ago. An elderly lady with what was diagnosed as mild to moderate dementia who wore diapers. She lived with her son and DIL who she detested with all her heart.

The son and DIL both worked full-time jobs so I worked for her during the day. This woman would once or twice pee during the day but would not be toileted to crap. She would fart up a storm and I knew she had to go but she would hold it. Not out of embarrassment because she didn't want me helping her. No, that was not the reason.

The reason was that she saved it for her DIL who she hated. The second I set my foot outside the door when her DIL pulled in the driveway she'd let that load go. Then she'd laugh about it because her DIL had to clean everything up.

I told the DIL that she should leave her sitting in it until her husband got home from work and he could start cleaning her. Of course he used the excuse that so many men play to get out of caregiving. The claiming that he "just couldn't" change his mother. The ended up placing the mother in AL instead of placing their marriage in the divorce court.

I don't know if you have homecare coming. If not, then get some coming.
The next time your husband does something he thinks is "cute" or gets a "kick" out of involving his own incontinence, leave him sitting in it. Do not clean it up until you're damn good and ready to. Or not at all if you don't want to.

Move your bed to a different room and put a lock on the door if needs be to kep him out. You should have your own space that is not stained and stinking of piss and sh*t.

I'll level with you here. In my long experience with caregiving I found when piss and sh*t becomes a game or something of interest to the person you're a caregiver to, they should be placed in a care facility.

You should really look at a few places for your husband.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 29, 2024
Oh gosh, Burnt!

I know that this conversation is supposed to be serious, but olddude brought out my wicked sense of humor, and now your terminology, or description of your experiences in caregiving is pushing me over the edge of wickedness! 😁

Geeeez, when I read about your client “saving it” for her DIL, the first thing that came to my mind was that her crap was a cherished prize just for her DIL and I nearly choked on my coffee! LOL 😆

Oh, gosh! I just might be going to hell for my sick sense of humor! 😁😝😆😂🤣
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He needs to be in a facility right freaking now.

Moving to another bedroom simply means he won't be dropping a load in front of you anymore. But the mess will still be waiting for you the next morning. That's hardly an improvement.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 29, 2024
Tell us how you really feel, olddude!

Hahaha 😝, seriously, I love how you don’t beat around the bush and get right to the point!

We can always count on you for direct, no nonsense answers!
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Get him an Alzheimer's anti strip suit and insist he sleep in it. Put a disposable brief on him first, the suit, and no more of this nonsense will happen. Then move those beds apart or go set up your new bedroom in the spare room, where you can sleep alone in peace. Hubbys disease has progressed beyond the point where can be sharing a bed anymore. Whether he's doing these things intentionally or not, who knows, but you have to find a way to stop it!

If this arrangement doesn't work for him, or if this situation becomes too much to handle (which sounds like it already has), place him in Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid.

https://www.amazon.com/Clothing-Alzheimers-Dementia-Onesie-Jumpsuit/dp/B0851XGHXX/ref=sr_1_3?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0-z6gAoklRPV_9nGXeWMJQFZQvmIGqzjBvSByTT1xc6n_LXvkF7x8Abl5e7y0vIcLprn5eZk901IFGHlgiV0hTamKzm3EAiujaY_QGSBHzc._aU8T2j2yva0jimuKgNqKdn6lVQ97BpbLlQ7PgIMZjY&dib_tag=se&keywords=Alzheimers+anti+strip+suit&qid=1709172424&sr=8-3

Best of luck with a difficult situation.
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SharonSharon Feb 28, 2024
That is a great suggestion. I definitely plan to get an anti strip suit, as soon as I go on that website to find out about it. You have made my day, and I so appreciate a logical solution. I have started sleeping in a recliner in the living room more often. I am thinking about getting my own bedroom but I stay close by in case he needs something.
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Your poor thing. Set up your spare bedroom and get a lock on the door. Tell him you aren't sleeping together anymore after the mess he made. It would have taken him effort to do it.

I know we get told to "blame the dementia, not the person." I'm not buying it.

After all you have gone through with cancer, him creating toxic waste for you to clean up is torture that you don't deserve. I'd be very tempted to whack him with his cane!

Time to seriously consider placement. You fought to survive and he is so mean and disgusting to you now? He is putting your health at risk with e.coli or worse. Sure you had fun times long ago, but this is pure nastiness you don't deserve. What happens if you die first? It's time to stop the torture.
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SharonSharon Feb 28, 2024
Thank you for really seeing me and hearing me. I am so torn. None of this is what I thought it would be. I know I need to see things as they are. It takes all of my courage to look beyond the way I imagined it. I am starting to but it isn’t easy.
And you are so right about the risk of illness. I have to be careful what I am exposed to. Since my mastectomy, IV chemo and radiation treatments I take an oral chemo drug twice a day to prevent it coming back.
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Deliberate or not , you need your own bed . In general , after reading your profile , this is too much for you to handle at home . I also think you know this already, but he needs memory care, or SNF on Medicaid . An eldercare lawyer can help you with how assets are split so you can stay in your home.

Sorry you are going through this.
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SharonSharon Feb 29, 2024
Thank you
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You pushed 2 beds together for WHAT PURPOSE????????????

So now you have 2 beds to clean when he does this. Ugh.
I'll put up with a lot, but if this were my DH? I would have him placed ASAP.

Sadly, it seems as if the ability to act 'normally' is no longer a part of his life. And it's going to get worse, even though you think you can help him--a broken brain is not going to retain new information and behave better.

I'm so sorry for this.
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ElizabethAR37 Feb 29, 2024
Ugh, for sure! The situation OP describes would be my "line in the sand", I think, especially the bed situation. I can/will only clean up poo after our senior cat (husband wouldn't fit in the litterbox anyway).
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Do you have a guest bedroom? I’d start sleeping in there and put a lock on the door so he can’t go in and poop.
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SharonSharon Feb 28, 2024
Thank you, that sounds good.
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I always believe in telling elders that the next time it happens, they’re going to a home. A lot of dementia pts due process some boundaries, after all.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 29, 2024
@PeggySue

You know, you're absolutely right. Many, many dementia patients still do possess some boundaries. I think I've used the nursing home threat probably thousands of times. It works.
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SharonSharon,
"Am I crazy or could it somehow be deliberate? I have found out about so many lies he told me, times he gaslighted me, and according to him, got a kick out of getting away with it."

The "LIES" he has talked about happening in the past, telling you now, could just as likely be new lies (or confabulation) about it happening at all.

You may not be crazy, but listening to him and believing it could drive you crazy, and what sends you off the deep end. Listen to other's good advice.
Try some separation between the beds, between the rooms, and a respite time for you to get away.

You can obtain an assessment from a geriatric care manager to help you make the tough decisions for when you can no longer care for him by yourself.
Bringing in caregiver help, or placing him-is a tough decision. Don't suffer it out on your own.

His behaviors could be deliberate, but from a broken brain.

You are not obligated to do any of this on your own. No one can caregive very long for 24/7, it is not sustainable.
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What is stopping you from placing him in a facility? Do you need some advice on how to go about it? Splitting finances? Please get yourself out of this situation.
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