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My 68 year old mother got sent to the mental hospital for involuntary treatment on Friday. (Backstory my father died last jan, she was sent involuntary in July and again now April) she had gone to the ER for medication concern after she had had a week long episode of confusion, hallucinations, paranoia and was forgetting things. She called her psychiatrist 25 times one day and didnt remember doing so. She called EMS 12 times one day stating she was concerned she was overdosing on Klonopin. She called my brother saying she was scared she was going to walk out into oncoming highway traffic. They said she wasnt and told her to call her primary. We begged for their help but they couldnt do anything. Her doctors said one point of this "hold" was to get her medication back on track because she was likely not taking them correctly leading to this break and 2. They want to do scans to see of its dementia or neuro related. They told my brother she needs assisted living but she is 100000X against that and wants to go home. Talking to her breaks my heart because she is scared confused and even saying she is going to die in there. Evaluation is supposed to be done today. What do we do if she refuses to go to assisted living even though doctors said she needs to. I have no idea whats happening to her but its rapidly becoming more frequent and we live 3 and 6 hours away from her. Feel free to ask follow up questions. No one i know has ever dealt with a mentally ill aging parent. Now that my dads gone I am finding out how bad she really is.

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Please do not consider bring her into your home. Frontal lobe iscwhere the emotions are. This dementia can make a person aggressive/violent. Easy to anger, easy to cry non stop. If no money for a nice AL/MC, then there is Medicaid in a LTC facility.
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Kakimax Apr 18, 2024
Yeah she has been crying non stop for a year. I think we are 2-3 years into symptoms based on what ive read alot of her behavior now makes sense. Of course the doctor gave us this diagnosis then is out of office for 4 days. He said he will only discharge her straight to assisted living. We have found a facility and are signing paperwork tomorrow. Any resources on what to expect and time frame of what to expect as far as her symptoms quality of life etc would be helpful. I had no idea there were diff types of dementia.
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Sorry to see your update and the sad diagnosis. But I’m also a firm believer that knowledge is power. This gives you a place to start learning and researching what exactly you’re dealing with, and how to find an appropriate setting for mom to best live. This is such a help compared to being in the dark, not knowing what the issues are. Use this time to learn and plan. Mom is blessed that you care and are looking out for her best interests
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From Kakimax

"UPDATE: scans show frontotemporal dementia. We have been told we need to find a facility and she cant go home. My heart is broken. All she is asking is if i will still let her see my daughters. 😭"

First, can she afford a facility? Is she at risk to run away from it? Then you may need to consider another arrangement. Is anyone her PoA? If she doesn't have a PoA or legal guardian then no one will be able to force her into a facility, is she can afford it. It may transpire that the county will refer her case to a judge who can assign a 3rd party guardian and then all her needs will be met.

FYI please search on this forum: there are *plenty* of people who have dealt with mentally ill parents here.
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Edited: just saw the update
Does she drink wine? My friend’s MIL was drinking wine and taking ambien and forgetting about it so she would drink more wine and take more ambien. She was taking like 8 ambien a night and getting drunk which she didn’t know about because of the ambien.

She ended up in rehab to get detoxed off both. She was so embarrassed and yes, this was after her husband died.
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KNance72 Apr 17, 2024
Thats How we think Anthony Bourdain died went into a Black Out after ambient and Booze .
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The Good news is you have a diagnosis and are getting the right advice such as Placement in a Facility . It is very exhausting to take care of someone with a mental illness so be Happy they are encouraging a facility. Ask the senior center where they think would be best That is how I found the Place for My Mom and then I Looked On Yelp and read reviews and found my brother a great Carribean Place . There should be a case manager that has a List of Places also .
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You’re on the right track. Be grateful that mom is getting the help she needs. Her medical team seems thorough. Once she gets on the right meds you’ll probably see a big difference.
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UPDATE: scans show frontotemporal dementia. We have been told we need to find a facility and she cant go home. My heart is broken. All she is asking is if i will still let her see my daughters. 😭
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KNance72 Apr 17, 2024
So Sorry . Just be there for her .
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" He said thats your moms voice but its just not her" - yes, this is something that is mentioned frequently on this forum. I use it myself in my own head. Realize that with dementia +/- mental illness, the parent is just a shell of their past self. They no longer really are themslves any more.
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UPDATE:

First evaluation revealed the doctor thinks she has undiagnosed bi polar disorder. Which makes sense since its genetic and my grandmother had it. She even had shock therapy. 😵‍💫 he is still proceeding with dementia brain scans and testing as he doesnt have answers for her short term memory loss. Im assuming she will be there a bit. He said he is still mixing up and changing her meds to find the right combination.
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AlvaDeer Apr 15, 2024
I would say, with most mental disorders, that the problem is first to find the correct meds, but second, to see that the person actually takes the medications. Many, perhaps most with serious mental disorders choose not to take medications. Sadly.
Please do read Never Simple.
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It sounds as though you should contact social services at once.
Is one of you the POA for your mother?
She may require Guardianship and placement.
Often a social worker can call a judge (dependent on state) and get temporary guardianship.
Placement directly from hospital to care would be so much preferrable from trying to do it in home. Be certain the hospital has the psychiatric records.

Much depends here on diagnosis:
If this is mental illness (your mom is only 68, young by today's standards) no judge will allow anyone to make decisions for her and she will be released stabilized, whether that remains the case of not. And she will likely have a repeat performance of this.
If she has dementia one of you can be guardian with the other serving as second, and placement will be necessary. A big job as it will mean management of money and of care, and the need for meticulous record keeping.

I highly recommend Liz Scheier's excellent memoir, Never Simple, about her attempts to help her own mother who was mentally ill. She tried to help for decades along with the city and state of New York's social services, all to no avail. BarbBrooklyn and I recommend this book all the time.

I am just so sorry. I wish you luck. I am glad you and brother have one another. Consider seeing an elder law attorney for advice. If Mom is released be ready to call APS for help.
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Kakimax Apr 15, 2024
First evaluation revealed the doctor thinks she has undiagnosed bi polar disorder. Which makes sense since its genetic and my grandmother had it. She even had shock therapy. 😵‍💫 he is still proceeding with dementia brain scans and testing as he doesnt have answers for her short term memory loss. Im assuming she will be there a bit. He said he is still mixing up her meds to find the right combination.
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Clearly she is in no condition to live on her own, and she has reached out for help. That's a good sign.

She may need more care than assisted living can provide, so wait to see what her doctors recommend before assuming anything. Her medical team and social workers will advise you. They see this sort of thing all the time; it's their job. Trust the professionals.

Don't think for a minute that she should go home or live with you or other family. At a time like this, it can be difficult to resist her pleas. She shouldn't be making her own decisions because she's too sick to know what's best for her. Family would not have the skills to take care of her at her home or in your own houses.

I hope her medical team will find meds that help. They should come up with a long-term care plan, and that will give you direction. Again, please don't think you can do it yourself. I'll spare you the complete stories, but I personally know some elderly mental illness cases, one in which family insisted on bringing mama home "because we can't stand seeing her unhappy and she wants to see NoName, who will only be in town for the weekend." Their guilt over what happened next will be with them forever.

I hope you find the right care for your mother, and please keep us posted.
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Kakimax Apr 15, 2024
Yeah. We brought her to our house last time she got discharged and it was a disaster. I wont put my children in that environment again. She didnt seek help so much as she went for another reason and they sectioned her upon seeing her. Last time she was sectioned my brother and i requested it.
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I’m sorry your mother is so very sick. There’s no way she will be safe to live independently. That’s sad, but it’s the only choice for her safety. I would hope you and other family will not engage in looping discussions or arguments with her about this, it won’t help and will only frustrate you both. Has she ever named anyone as her POA for healthcare and/or financial decisions for a time like this, when she cannot be relied on to make good choices for herself? If not, it’s likely a guardian will need to be appointed. Start looking into that process to see if it’s something you’d want to take on. Remain firm with every medical professional and social worker that mom is not safe and has no one at home to provide the care she requires. Do not think for a second that you can or should take this on. Again, I’m sorry, such a hard road for all
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Kakimax Apr 15, 2024
No medical POA as she wont voluntarily sign that. My brother was able to get financial POA and is on all of her accounts. Last time she was released they said she could go home if we got a home health aid. We did. She fired them. And here we are. I cried all weekend worried about her and devastated just from talking to her. My husband even cried this time. He said thats your moms voice but its just not her. I have a feeling my dad was shouldering the burden and didnt share how bad everything had gotten. My mom has only given my brother the ability with HIPAA to call and talk to her doctors. He is barely sharing info with me so i feel completely in the dark.
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