My mother has dementia, narcissism, paranoia and is delusional. She lives next door and is very cruel. What can I do? Help!
I am a 71 year old married woman and mother of 3 sons, the oldest of whom died 10 months ago of asphyxiation due to the disease of alcoholism. (It has been a difficult year.) I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for two years and have learned that there was nothing I could do to make my son stop drinking short of handcuffing him to me. “Alcoholism affects brain chemistry to the point that victims of the disease are driven to continue and helpless to stop.” Through Al-Anon I have learned that I have to take care of myself.
My 89 year old mother is my next door neighbor and is suffering from paranoia, narcissism and a form of dementia. She is such a mean, bitter, miserable woman that she is totally isolated from everyone. Last night she came to my door to accuse my husband of stealing 2 tools from her house. We NEVER go into her house but she’s always accusing us of stealing and ransacking her place. She lifted up her hand above her head to hit me with the tools that she said my husband replaced hers with. I was able to physically protect myself. She is the reason I searched for this website. I need clarity, advice and support without condemnation.
You are correct. You could not have done anything for your son as it was his choice not to address this or was beyond his human powers to control it. That doesn't make it hurt less. You are surrounded on all sides by toxic people. You are going to have to be ruthless in your own protection and I would suggest counseling if you feel you need it for boundaries. I am so sorry for all you are going through and wish you the best.
My Mom had 20k left. April I started the Medicaid application, May 1st I placed Mom in LTC. The 20k paid for May and June. June I confirmed with her caseworker I had spent down her money and they had all the info they needed and Medicaid started July 1st.
So what I am saying, if Mom has money for money for a couple of months or more, use it to get her into a place that will except Medicaid. It will be better to start out private pay. Her house and car are exempt until she passes or you sell them. If you sell them while she is living, they have to sell at Market rate and proceeds used for her care. If after her death, then Medicaid will expect to be paid back.
The problem now is Mother. My suggestion would be to invest in a ‘spy hole’ through the door, an external light so you can see who is there, and a speaker phone on the door. If you find that M is outside the door, don’t open it. Tell her to go back home next door and phone to tell you the issues.
The alternative of calling 911 makes sense, except that if M clobbers you with something heavy (like tools), you may not be able to phone 911. If she sounds dangerous, phone 911 from inside in safety. If this happens regularly, build up a 911 history, get a restraining order, and let ‘the system’ deal with her. You don’t need another family tragedy, and you have other people who need you. “Putting up with this” could easily lead to disaster - for you, the family, and also for M.
I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. Deal with addiction makes those trying to help so powerless. I'm glad you understand that you had no ability to stop your adult son from drinking.
I would pursue two different tacks with your mom.
If she shows up at your door and is harassing you, threatening you, attacking you, treat the situation just as you would if she was a stranger--call 911. She needs to be detained on an involuntary psychiatric hold.
I would also call Adult Protective Services in your community. Explain the issue to them and report that she is a vulnerable adult in need of supervision that you are neither qualified nor able to supply.
Are you in touch with her doctor?
First of all. my sincerest condolences on the loss of your son. You’re right, there wasn’t any way that you could have prevented your son’s alcoholism. It’s a disease, just like any other disease.
My mother lost her first born son to addiction. My brother would get clean for awhile but struggled horribly to remain sober and would relapse. It was awful for everyone. Addiction affects the entire family. He died in 2013.
Al-Anon is helpful. I’m glad that you reached out to them for support.
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with such a troubling situation with your mother. You certainly don’t need any more heartache while grieving for your son.
Dementia is devastating for a family to experience. It sounds like it may be time to look for a facility to place your mom. She will receive care 24/7 and you will be able to take care of yourself and visit when you are able to.
Have you discussed your mom’s recent situation with her doctor?
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
This will not get better, only worse and there is no cure. If she is aggressive to you or anyone else, I would call 911 to start building a file.
Sorry that you are having to deal with this but it is not uncommon in the world of dementia.