The holidays are coming up and I'm on pins and needles. I know that she expects to be invited out to dinner with us, but I don't enjoy her company.....slurred speech, boring, repetitive, doesn't listen.........and, in addition, tends to be rather passive aggressive in her snarky comments. She lives two blocks from us. Anyone have any idea how to deal with this? It seems like when there is any big event, holiday, birthday celebration, etc., she goes out of her way to focus attention on herself and wreck the occasion. I'm so very tired of this. I want to do the right thing, but don't want to be held hostage every holiday. A few times, usually my husbands birthday, she's too "sick" to go out and we bring her a nice dinner she can enjoy at home, but when it comes to her birthday, she's always ready to go. Now she's looking forward to going out on Christmas Eve with us and we really don't want her to come because of her drunken, drugged up behavior...
You might ask her if she wants a referral to a place to get help with her problem. If not, there's not much you can do.
Very simply, tell her the truth. Detach from the outcome and do it anyway, as we used to say in Al-Anon. Also I recommend Al-Anon - the 12-step group for friends and families of alcoholics. You can find meetings by calling the Alcoholics Anonymous phone number in the white pages of your phone book.
There's nothing to be gained from lying, really. I have strong feelings about this, but basically, I think lying to an addict is just another form of enabling them. I DO NOT believe in enabling addicts. I believe enabling an addict protects them from the consequences of their actions, and that protecting them from the consequences of their actions is protecting them from the consequences of their addiction. And if someone is always protecting them from the consequences, they will never get better.
I mean, maybe if it's your boss and you HAVE to lie, or risk losing your job. Or if it's some friend you see once a year at reunions. But I assume you are in love with your husband and plan to be with him for a very long time. That means your MIL is going to be part of your life for a very long time.
There's nothing gained from lying to your MIL, or in humoring her, except for the heartache and pain you'll feel in an even greater way down the road, when you realize you've willingly made yourself part of a co-dependent relationship, and you've allowed her to believe her behavior is ok with you. Are you prepared to pretend you're ok with all this, for the rest of your MIL's life? Are you prepared to lie to her, lie FOR her, make excuses for her, coddle her, pick her up off the floor when she passes out, clean up her vomit, or deal with however bad it's going to get? (It could get VERY bad.) Are you prepared to do these things in front of your children or future children? What would you be teaching them?
Tell the truth. Call her out. Let her think about it, or get smashed in retaliation, but whatever the outcome, speak your truth and stand by it. Speak your truth even if it makes you shake. Don't worry about how others judge you for it. Let other people be content to enable an addict, but don't be one of those people. Enabling an addict is the opposite of helping them. You would NOT be doing her any favors.
Where is your husband in all of this? He must know that his mother has a problem. He must have known it when he settled two blocks away from her. Has he ever addressed her drug use and drinking with her? Did he hope he could keep her or the situation under control by being close by? Is he the only child or are there siblings to help? You should know that alcoholism is a family disease - not that someone like your husband is necessarily an addict, but the disease impacts the entire family. Especially if he grew up with it. If he can't or won't back you up in calling her out, then you have another problem on your hands, for which I especially recommend Al-Anon.
They say every addict has to hit their own rock bottom before they decide to get better. In my parents' cases: for mom, it was when she didn't have me to caretake or cover up for her anymore; with my dad, it was the risk of losing our relationship. Whatever your MIL's rock bottom is, you and your husband can't help her climb back out of it if you never acknowledge how fast she's falling in the first place.
OR
I know if your realize this, Mom, but your drinking and using drugs can make you quite unpleasant to be around sometimes. Not always, but we are not going to risk it this year. We'd be glad to bring a nice meal home to you.
I know it's a difficult conversation to have but you're well within your right to have it. Soften the blow by telling her you'll bring her a doggie bag.
One nice person suggested telling her you will bring a nice meal from ________ restaurant...Very nice thought, but what if she calls a cab and shows up there?
"Hubs and I are dining out alone this year...we will bring you a nice dinner on our way home." Better yet, have a restaurant deliver the meal...
When she asks why, just say you have decided to be alone this year...whatever her next question is (or accusation) deflect it and say you are not discussing your decision further....(It can be done, although likely difficult)
Keep in mind that you will not slow down or stop her drinking...Many think that reasoning long enough will do it...It won't. Alcoholics anonymous can help, but only if she initiates contact...
Grace + Peace,
Bob
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