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Hi all
for those following my story, you know the story with my narcissist ( not just throwing around the word, he truly fits ) dad with dementia and anger on top ....



I'm trying all I can with boundary setting etc. not going well. Today I gave the ultimatum discussion, as mentioned by Alva. I calmly told him that , if he does not shape up and stop fighting and tangling with me, plus all of the assisted living staff, then next step will be that I drop off, change my number , drop POA, and he will get assigned a state appointed guardian. I asked him multiple times "do you understand what I'm saying? ". I think it took a few times and then he got the general message.



Now, I give it 2 months. If this nonsense continues at that point, I'm moving to the drop POA stage....... one thing I stipulated and he agreed to doing - to see a geriatric psychiatrist. Whether he complies with their recommendations we will see



thanks all for the advice over the months. its been helpful.

Good luck. With the dementia, ultimatums often don't work, Strugglin. I know you know that.
This may come down to having to do what is best for your own sanity.
The truth is that you are managing Dad pretty well as is. But I don't know what sort of toll that's taking on you.
Good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I discovered the other day that I have still been trying to do things to make him relatively happier , but that happiness for him is impossible to achieve .
so I felt I just had set set a countdown/ timeline , and let him know that .
and also that he just has to go to see a geriatric psychiatrist. No choice in the matter (well if he doesn’t agree, then I stop visiting completely until he agrees….)
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waytomisery May 8, 2024
Don’t be surprised if he agrees and then changes his mind about the Geri psych.

My mother with dementia would never agree to anything to help her mood as she felt the victim and had every right to be unhappy and angry over being placed . She just had to be miserable on her own terms until she finally accepted her situation to a degree . She finally came to terms with her decline being the reason she was in AL about 3 months before she died when she was aware she was struggling more with mobility .

My DH used to tell me “ Your mother doesn’t want to be happy”. He was right , my mother would rather complain about her “ rotten kids “ and seek sympathy .
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StrugglingSon; GreyRock, clinical detachment and letting the folks at the facility deal with him are all that you can do.

You cannot REASON with someone with dementia. You cannot convince someone with a broken brain to see things in a different way.

Acceptance of that fact is the only way you will have peace.

That, and getting up and leaving when he becomes nasty, argumentative or agitated.

No audience, no show.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Do whatever is best for you to preserve your health and sanity strugglin. You still have a family , work etc to consider . The whole situation is difficult . Dementia is the worst . (((Hugs))).
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Reply to waytomisery
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Alva is great, isn’t she? She tells it like it is! No beating around the bush.

I am sure that you feel like a broken record at times, having to repeat things over several times.

Well, since you say that your dad finally heard you, and you have given him a deadline, sounds like you have a good plan!

I hope that he will follow through with all that he agreed to.

Wishing you all the best.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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That's great strugglin , just want to suggest to be prepared to do what you need to do. My experience with narssasist. The smarter ones just change tactics, on how to manipulate. And I feel like sadly most of them go back to there old ways.

It's been just about 2 months that I laid down the law with my family and mother. I'm starting to see signs that things are starting to go back wards. I'm just waiting to see.

Best of luck to you!
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Oh.....you should add that dad also needs to follow the psychiatrist's recommendations ie: take the MEDS into your ultimatum SS. I remember back in 2011 after a hospitalization when my mother was so depressed she wouldn't leave her apartment in IL. I called her PCP for anti depressants which she said no, she wouldn't take. I told her if she refused to take the meds, I was done helping her. Period. She took them and came out of her depression quite fast.

I hope dad improves his rotten attitude some with help from the psychiatrist. That's the goal here.....to get him the help he needs and have him step out of his OWN WAY.

Cheering you on from Denver! 😊
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If you are a Dr Who fan.. this is when a big clock gets shown & the countdown begins. Unsually until the end of the world, the world gets blown up, aliens take over the world or aliens have infested human brains etc.

Your countdown is sort of blowing what was.. UNinfesting your brain.. more like Letting Go.

Actually, just by starting the clock, maybe you feel lighter already?

Whether you drop the POA in 60 days or not, it is a powerful feeling to know you CAN, at any future time, do just that.
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strugglinson May 8, 2024
Yes , good analogy!! I do feel lighter just by announcing all this and starting the clock !
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Good for you. Stick to your guns. I may not even give him 60 days. Once he starts again, thats it. You call APS, tell them you need to give up POA. That Dad needs someone to oversee his money and him.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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A question to the group - what if POA refuses to enable an unsafe elder to move back home, but a different family member agrees to do it and "arrange the home care". However its not done well and the living environment is unsafe. If an injury occured, could the POA be held liable even if he said he would have no part in the move back home?
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sp196902 May 16, 2024
What family member is butting into this situation with your dad? I would tell them to stop it now and stop enabling dad. Sounds like this family member is trying to grift off dads money.

If this actually happens I would resign POA before dad is moved out of the AL and wash your hands of dad and the whole thing entirely. Tell this meddler that they will need to be responsible for dads care 100% and will be liable if dad is living in an unsafe environment for elder abuse and neglect, etc.

I don't have an answer to your question though.
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