So, they've both reached 90. She has severe dementia, and mobility issues. Not taking care of herself, barely anyway. She's been told by numerous doctors that she either needs 24/7 care or to move to a facility. Dad has mobility issues, cannot hear, and is beginning his own decline mentally. They've gone as far as they can with the PCA's, visiting nurses, help from family and neighbors, stairlift, Medalert, meals on wheels etc. But now it's time to go. The house is unsafe, my mom yells at the nurses because she's jealous they're going to fool around with my dad (hence no more in-home nurses for us!). Dad's going to a brothers house and mom's going to a facilty. We're investigating all our different options and he as renovated his house for them. We've been talking about this gently for a while now, gradually getting more insistent but now we have essentially created a deadline for which we will move them. We've tried to spell it out as simply and kindly as possible numerous times in various ways and tried to present them with various options to help them feel in control. Mom's mad and confused and he's sort of accepting but is beginning to talk about reasons why he can't go, so we think he will outright refuse when the day comes or at least continue to stall and procrastinate. They most certainly will not pack their own belongings or make their own preparations. We will have to do that. Neither one of them will be driving out, will have to ride with us and she will get medical transport. So how's this going to work? Our resolve is strong because it's all become a logistical nightmare and the whole situation is so unsafe for them and we have professional backing to move them out. It's going to be really difficult when the time comes next month, I know it.
With mom who was a little more “with it” I had to use the THIS IS JUST TILL YOU GET BETTER fib. With dad who was very confused at this point, I’d take him to have lunch and dinner with mom at the assisted living and told him MOM REALLY NEEDS YOU TO STAY WITH HER AND HELP HER. Moved him in after 3 days.
Also had to fib that insurance covered the cost, not to worry.
I think with your guys you might try a modified “fib”approach instead of head on.
Good luck.
Tell them the house has termites and needs to be tented or the water heater is broken and needs to be replaced, or come up with some other plumbing issue that would drive normal people out of the house for a while.
You mom in particular doesn't need a lot of explanation because she has dementia and pretty much any excuse will work -- or not. The point is, try not to stress about how to do this in a logical manner that will make sense to your folks, because literally nothing will make much sense to them. You just do what needs to be done.
I would add a couple things from my own experience.
The first few days I would wait until mom and dad were in the dining room for dinner and take stuff to their room, unpack, fill drawers and hang pictures. Just a little at a time until I had the place fixed up nicely. They hardly noticed.
I also had to pull back on visits. I was the complaint department and my presence reminded them of all things past. So I would sit in the lobby and watch them in the dining room at mealtime, chat with staff and putz around working on the room.
Dad was pretty easy to divert at the point but mom started to figure out this was not temporary. No end of tears and yelling at me. I had to have a come to Jesus talk with her finally. Mom....Things are reversed now. I have to take care of you and dad. I have to do what is best and you’re not always (never as it turned out) going to like it but that’s the way it is.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I was the last person on earth to care for them. No help and doing it long distance. Put 70K miles on my car in short order.
In your situation, I’d figure out someone to blame. Their doctor might work as the target.
You can start with “The doctor’s office called and they need you to take a brief physical, or they’ll cancel your insurance”. This will hopefully get them out of the house. From there, it’s “The doctor asked us to meet at (............)”. That gets you to Mom’s new residence.
When Mom gets into the new residence, set her INSIDE, letting the medical transport personnel bring her inside. When she sees you, introduce some of her care personnel say “We love you dearly. These nice people have been waiting to meet you, and they will help you get used to your new surroundings and take good care of you”. Hugs all around, let the staff take over, THEN LEAVE. Don’t look back, or listen to her protests. (Second hardest thing in the process).
Dad’s situation, arrive at his new home, brother greets him at the door, you all make a limited time visit, say you have to go to a meeting, LEAVE. This will be harder for the home owner but ultimately it’s the only way to help Dad accept the finality of his move. HOME OWNER can say “you need to stay here while (the house is painted, until the bad weather is over, until the electrical system is replaces - something plausible but light on the detail).
These tactics may sound cruel, unethical, dishonest..... but I have had the unfortunate (but loving) responsibility to have become The Family Caregiver for at least 5 decades, through 7 dementia/broken bone/stroke Loved Ones, and I have learned that this is the most painless, but still painful, way for everyone involved.
The majority of us here have been through this. Your feelings and concerns are understood here. Your primary, loving concern is SAFETY. You aware that this must be done. Once there has been a period of adjustment, you will visit, and monitor how things are going. You can call Mom’s placement within a day or two of her arrival and get a report on how she’s doing, or the facility may have a format for separating after admitting. If they don’t tell you, ask them. Everyone is stretched because of the pandemic, but they will want the separation to be as easy as possible.
You love your Mom and Dad, and it is very clear that you do. Be at peace with what you’re doing.
I didn’t like fibbing either but there was no other way I could get anything done for my guys. The carpet cleaner was an old football buddy, the visiting nurse was an old girlfriend and so on. All these folks just happened to stop by ya see. Otherwise no one would have been allowed in the house. I have absolutely no guilt about it.
Having said all that the transition to facility care was a big hot mess for quite awhile, dad looking for his car all day and mom refusing to cooperate with anyone. I had to keep telling myself that at least they were safe. And they were eating like field hands after subsisting on cereal for the last couple years.
Having both parents go to the same facility is an ideal plan, imo, if done early, or at least timely, like Windyridge had done with his parents.
Because, I observed a couple separated by their adult children, (with best intentions); one went with to live with one daughter, the other with a son who put their diabetic mother in an independent senior apartment, without services. The husband thrived, the wife was dead within two months. It was the husband everyone was concerned about. The mother ended up being neglected because she seemed to be more functional. It was the husband calling to check on his wife of over 55 years together that alerted family to the problem with his wife not answering. So very sad for all. Even so, all couples and their families ability to give care are different.
Unnecessary death, imo. Even dysfunctional couples have mutual bonding that covers their disabilities. The husband's role was to remind her, care for her.
Even though the wife had outbursts (common mood changes with diabetes);
she might have improved in a facility with the proper care. If not, they could have been separated once at the facility. imo.
Family is right to carefully consider all options for keeping their parents together. imo.
Brother and his wife arrived that afternoon. Sister also went over (I was at my house with Daddy, didn't want to face Mom's wrath). Mom was throwing Daddy's belongings out on the porch thinking that he chose to go live with his favorite daughter (what she always said - HE never once said I was his favorite, lol).
By the end of the week, my mother decided she was going to go live out of state with my brother and his wife. Only stopped by our house because we had her meds. Daddy had lost his ability to speak for the most part but got a few angry sounds out (Mom's bottom line was and still is money) when Mom said that they couldn't afford to move Daddy by ambulance. Lucky for us, after much begging, Mom decided to move in with us instead of moving out of state. Even better, she doesn't remember the event at all!
It will be horribly difficult on everyone involved. If your father is the irritable/angry/loud type be prepared for a lot of screaming, yelling, crying, begging, bargaining, etc. Since your Mom is being transported by medical personnel, they will have to listen to her, but hopefully someone will be present when she arrives to calm her down since she will probably be super-agitated.
Since your father is semi-accepting of the move, maybe it won't be as bad.
When my mother-in-law's friend (in his 90s) companion had to be moved from her house because he was taking too much of a toll on her, we called his son to come get him. He had no idea anything was happening until his son showed up at 8 a.m. and started packing his belongings to take with him to another state. He had early stages of dementia and mentally declined rapidly but outlived my mother-in-law by several years.
So, it sounds like your parents may end up very unhappy with the move, and it may cause a physical and/or mental decline and perhaps a rift in your relationship with them and/or each other, but if it has to be done, it has to be done. My heart goes out to you. Please keep us posted on how it works out.
I live in central NY and there are several local companies that specialize in senior moves. You might ask a local retirement community or assisted living facility if they know of one.
This company not only packed belongings but were also very good at helping to determine what to keep and move to the apartment. They took care of donating useful items like furniture and home decor and even clothing to local charities. (My parents accepted their verdict about what was junk much more readily from them than they did from me!)
Mom and Dad had lived in their home for 55 years, raised their children there and enjoyed their life. Leaving is very emotional and the staff at this moving company was very experienced with handling not just the physical moving, but the emotional burden that comes along.
Best of luck to you all.
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