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So, found out yesterday Mark and his nephew have been doing some scheming behind my back. Mark decided to go live with Robert (the nephew) and Mark will use his disability check to cover his living expenses. This is supposed to happen after he gets out of rehab. Mark believes in two months he will be able to be mobile enough to get into a wheelchair by himself and go use the toilet. Right now he needs assistance rolling over and to be put into a wheelchair. He will be paying his nephew to renovate a room. Even though Mark is still on our lease, he refuses to help me pay bills saying "I don't live there anymore, I don't owe you anything." He is demanding that he keep Babygirl. His nephew will not take care of her properly and Mark will not be able to.


I am paying the nephew now to help drive me to work from the payment we were making on our car. The nephew says this is not enough money. The nephew will not help me pay any bills and gets drunk off his butt. I would be fine with Mark wanting to move in with Robert, except I hate to think that he would be wallowing in his own waste because Robert will not change him (he was bedridden before and he wouldn't do it and Mark's daughter was alive and doing it) or help shower him. I told Mark we could proceed with the divorce and he could get Medicaid, but he blew up stating he doesn't want to be in a crappy nursing home.

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NeedHelpWithMom yes is is tough. I make no predictions on anything these days, as all caregivers know it can go up and down, good to bad.
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DM,

Mark has been through many stages. It’s not easy for him or others to see this happening.
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Wow, things just keep turning for the worse. Mark hasn't been down in that part of Texas but four days and is in the ICU. He had more fluid build-up and they drained a liter of fluid in his lungs and I his right lung is having problems inflating much at all, hence the oxygen and the fluid build-up. Robert says Mark's blood pressure dropped to 60 on the high end, that is lower than it's ever been.
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Good, Doggiemom, you are slowly realizing this is no longer in your control. Back away. There is no reason now for you to know WHAT nephew spends on. And you should NOT know. Just back away muttering "not my circus not my monkeys". Nothing you can do. I know it will be hard to exticate yourself from this, but meddling in it will cause grief and dissention and help nothing.

This is what it will be and it won't be easy. Nothing about it ever was, right? Best place for you is 1,000 miles away.
When you talk on the phone discuss the weather. Be polite, don't ask, don't tell.
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My feelings are very mixed, but that's to be expected. I just hope Mark's nephew is wise enough to navigate the system. I do know his nephew has been spending Mark's money on things he shouldn't ($200 at a liquor store, for example). It is not my problem anymore, but it does make me sad to see a man who is only sixty-two in such bad physical shape.
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DoggieMom,
You've got such a good heart. I know how complicated your feelings and thoughts are about all of this. Try to journal through it so you can work through it a bit in your mind. It must be a swirling stew of repetitive thoughts. There are so many levels of complexity here for both you and for Mark.
I've followed this story right along and I am convinced these are the right moves for all involved. Mark will feel more in control. You won't have to try to control what cannot BE controlled. And you will build slowly the life you deserve, still caring about this man you've loved.
Joan Didion once said that she "writes so I know what I think" and I guess this is true for lots of us. It helps the brain work it out. I think that our dreams help us work out where our head is at as well.
I have been following your story and am convinced that you would do just about anything for the good of all involved and I believe you have slowly and surely made all the right moves in this. That is not going to make it hurt less. Hugs to you, woman. Hug your pups close and love on them. Allow yourself to weep, then dry the tears, take a few motrin, and move on best you can. I am glad you have support.
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I'm sure it hurts , doggiemom, we all have are crosses to bear. You lost a dream and the future you thought you where going to have. And it's so hard to see anyone you care about deteriorating. My 🙏are with you.
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DoggieMom,

I am sorry. It’s natural to grieve for what could have been. No one anticipates these kind of problems in a marriage.

Sending hugs and support your way.

All you can do is grieve for the hard times and move forward to a better future. I wish you peace during this transitioning stage in your life.

Take care.
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So, Mark left today for Edinburg with his nephew. I admit I cried. Cried seeing him on oxygen and for the loss of the life we used to have. I cried, but I will be ok, it is just hard to start my life again. Mark has lost a lot of weight and muscle mass. It is sad to watch him declining.
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No, it is not a surprise. I figured something was going on to have so much fluid being drained from his lungs all the time. His oncologist said five months ago he had severe liver scarring which was causing a lot of problems with his blood (especially red blood cells). I found out from his nephew that he has been put on oxygen. I am not sure if this is a long-term measure or not.
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Well I'm sure none of this comes as a surprise, doggiemom.

Hopefully having a diagnosis makes things easier now.
And he gets good care.
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Well, they diagnosed Mark with Hepatic Hydrothorax which is why the fluid keeps building up in his lungs. The prognosis is not great about a year or so. He has liver cirrhosis from taking meds to help prevent cyst growth in his kidneys. They will have home health drain a lung cathedar, so pretty much comfort measures.
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Just keep practicing detaching your self. 👍❤️
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Yes! YES, Doggie Mom. Great news to hear from you, and you are absolutely correct. You can keep caring but withdrawing participation and caregiving. You are correct absolutely!
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I do still care about Mark, but this is more in a detached way. I am moving at the end of the month and next week his nephew will be moving him to Edinburgh. The divorce papers are filed and should be approved after sixty days. I am currently interviewing for another job at the college and did an interview for the public schools last Thursday. I can be care without involving myself directly in what is a big mess and will get worse from here on out.
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Your fine doggie mom!! Ive told you before I get it and how hard it is to detach yourself from anyone thats been in your life for so long.

It just means your a good caring person. ❤️
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Doggie,

We all vent on here. Go ahead and speak about what’s on your mind. Everyone knows that you have been through a difficult time with Mark. We wish the best for you. Hoping everything will turn out well for you.
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Funkygrandma, I agree she still does care.
I encourage her to move on, myself, and not to confuse the issue for the current POA which I think is Nephew, and for Mark. I will continue to encourage her to do that.

@ Doggiemom: And no, of course not, DoggieMom. We are very interested in all of it, and I for one will love to hear how you get on with the changes for your life. Very. And I will be very relieved for you when you leave Mark's issues in his and his nephew's hands. Too many chef will spoil this stew.
You and Mark were married and in many ways I would bet you are very fond still of one another. I think it's natural you would want to help. But I worry if you get all wound up in it again, when you have done such courageous work to EXTRICATE yourself from this muddle.
So I will continue to advise you to step on and step away to the best of you ability, and I will continue also to care (as I know you do) for how Mark fares. Most of all I hope to hear YOU yourself are moving on and thriving in your new home.
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I hope no minds me posting. I am not the main one making decisions or even trying. This thread is just for anyone curious what the latest is. I am not trying to talk him into anything since he has said he wants everything. I am no longer fighting with him so my mental health is better. His nephew is the next contact versus me and he already hates it, so there you go
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Alva, I am more than aware what you've advised DoggieMom, and I totally agree.
She's the one who continues to post about what is going on, and I get that to some degree she still cares.
And when I mentioned bringing hospice on board I was not implying that she should do that but just mentioning that that may very well be the next step despite Marks determination to keep fighting.
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Funkygrandma, Mark is no longer the business of DoggieMom really. If I recall the nephew is now POA. Mark has in the past refused palliative and hospice. As DoggieMom told us, even through his most dire illnesses in ICU he has not ever wanted to give up. So options like hospice are likely out, and in any case, doggiemom is now in the process of the final stages of her divorce and will be moving her life elsewhere.
I always advise her to stay out of decisions now that don't concern her any long so that she can get on with her own life. Being drawn back into every step of Mark's ongoing decisions won't be possible for her or even healthy to try as a divorced woman from long distance, just imho.
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I figured as much, funky grandma, and it makes me sad. I still pray for him and let him know I care without letting myself get so invested I am making myself sick physically and mentally like I was. He GFR was at I believe 15 ish which is chronic kidney failure.
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What Mark is getting placed is called a supra pubic catheter, and it is a permanent catheter, and requires a trained nurse or urologist to change it every 4-6 weeks.
My late husband had one for the last 2 years of his life, and most nurses didn't know how to change it. In fact when my husband went under hospice care there was only 1 nurse in the whole agency(and it's a large agency) that was comfortable changing it for him.
My husband did occasionally also get UTI's from having it as well.
I can't imagine that Mark will be alive for much longer and it may be time to bring hospice in.
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I am still communicating with Mark on a business level (it takes a while to settle into a new place) and guess what the hospital is suggesting he have another surgery. I suppose this is a more minor surgery as it will be where a tube will be inserted into his kidney to help him drain urine better. It's crazy how much surgery he has had within two months. The lung doctor is even suggesting some sort of drain to help keep the fluid clear around his lungs (they drained I believe 3 liters of fluid yesterday). So, just to keep count he has an above the knee amputation and they will be inserting this tube into his kidneys.
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I agree that no one wants to go into a nursing home, but at this point it looks like he will be. I am only kept up to date because I am still working some things out with Mark such as getting our cell phone bill transferred off auto pay onto his card. I found out he has been trying to do things and is not really coherent enough to be doing them. He messed up my Internet where the old one was disconnected and I had to wait for new equipment to be delivered (sigh). Anyway, Mark called 911 because he does not like how the rehab center is treating them and they want to take his check so he went to the hospital and they are now running a bunch of tests on him.

It will come to Mark being in a SNF or LTC and I do not think he wants to face those facts and that his check will be used to pay for his care. I know he is going to try to qualify for Medicaid after our divorce goes through, which should be by September since he would be under the minimum income to do so. We do not have any assets (we rented our home, no boats, no car).
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So I was answering the question, not the update. Sorry doggiemom
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At this point it doesn't matter what mark wants.

I don't think any of us will say I want to end up in a crappy nursing home when I get old.

That's not on are bucket list of fun things to do! But it happens, it's life ,and it's not your fault doggiemom.

This is on him
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Doggie,

So sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I’m sure that you must be exhausted from dealing with everything.

Wishing you peace. Sending hugs your way.
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Mark is back in the hospital. He is having abdominal pain and not able to eat w/o getting sick. There is also more fluid being drained from his lungs. They are doing a bunch of tests and scans.
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Oh don't worry Alva, I have no plans of trying to stop anything. Both are grown men and I wash my hands of all of it. By the way, you called it on Mark being angry I initiated the divorce! It's ok, I am doing some healing. I am counting it as a life lesson and as the old disco song says "I will survive."
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