Moms friend has b.o. and bad breath. I don't want her coming to the house anymore. I can't tolerate the smell that emanates from her. It doesn't bother mom. I told mom I don't want her coming in the house and she's mad about it.
When I had someone who smelled extremely badly visit, I would put a cover on the chair where they sat, so I could easily wash it, and I would open a window. I put up with the smell because they were important to my family and I didn't want to cause hurt. They were never going to change this aspect of themselves, so a polite word wouldn't work.
I don't think that anyone should take a parent (or anyone) into their home, then not allow them to have a visitor. Especially a parent who has depression on top of all their ailments. I would be glad they had a friend.
The smell won't last forever. Neither will your mum's capacity to engage with a friend. Let her enjoy it while she can.
Sorry, I can't stand BO smells so this woman would not be allowed in my home. It permeates everywhere she sits. I have a nephew with that problem. He is not allowed in mine or my daughters house without taking a shower top to bottom. Sorry, I would have to tell her as nice as possible. If there is family and this is fairly new, they should be told. One sign of Dementia is loss of smell and bad hygiene. So Mom not smelling her is not unusual for someone who has Dementia.
And there is something that can be done about gum desease. For one, a good cleaning at the Dentist. In early stages its plaque that has harden and gives off a sulfur order. In bad cases the bacteria eats away the bone. When this happens, the gums need to be opened up and the damaged bone scraped away. Not fun, I had it done. Have had no problems since.
Another problem, that was talked about the last couple of days, is undiagnosed diabetes. The smell was discribed like acetone.
If you are willing, you can use the premise that having bad breath and "abnormal" body odor can be an indication of a health problem, like diabetes, sinus infection etc. This gives you a legit reason to bring it up. Maybe get your Mom on board about this tactic so that she can support you, or maybe your Mom can bring it up between the two of them with a little prep work from you.
"Diseases such as some cancers can cause a distinctive breath odor. The same is true for disorders related to the body's process of breaking food down into energy. Constant heartburn, which is a symptom of gastroesophageal reflux disease or GERD."
Gross. There's two ways to handle this. If the friend is old you could talk to her family. Does she have grown kids? I'd talk to one and tell them plainly that she smells so bad that you don't want her in your home. Offer to help them arrange some kind of CNA homecare service to regularly come and help her with hygiene care.
If she's on her own tell your mother she has to have a talk with her friend about cleaning up. Otherwise, they will have to visit outdoors because you don't want her in the house. If mom refused, you quietly take this person aside and tell her plainly but not unkindly, that she smells very bad and needs to take come care with her own hygiene. Then ask if she needs help and tell her that needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds to me like she needs some homecare help with her hygiene care. It will be an uncomfortable discussion for sure but one that must be had.
My friend, I think it will be like pulling off a band-aid. Best to just get to it and get it over with.
How often does this woman come to your home? Is this not also the home of your MOM. That is to say if she is living with you, you have made your home hers.
If your mother is living with you, and this is a friend who comes to visit her, then this friend is essentially visiting your mother in her own home. This is something that honestly, in a woman with depression (listed in your profile) I cannot imagine not allowing. Has your mother not had enough losses due to aging.
The mouth problem is likely gum disease. What can you do about that? Nothing. The B.O is likely something she cannot herself smell (may have some onset of age related loss of smell and taste; my brother did, likely due to undiagnosed Lewys, and I had to speak to him about using deoderant, because he had no idea).
Please find another way. Ask your mom is she is comfortable telling her friend that her daughter is disturbed easily by smells and she feels that she should perhaps change deoderants as we get immune to them. If she isn't comfortable doing that, then I am afraid you are in for a smelly house. Try to keep the two in "Mom's Room" or a specific room for the visits. Then bring mom into family room and air it all out. It's unlikely it will permiate the carpetings.
I am all for cleanliness. I am all for honesty. But I am MORE for loving visits from a friend. Most of our elders enter aging having lost them all one way or another, and being alone. Don't rob your mom of visits from a friend she loves. Please.
No one has to let someone else stink up their house. The OP can discreetly speak to her friend's family about getting her some hygiene assistance. Or she can have her mother speak to the friend about it as a friend. Or the OP can talk to her about it and offer to help her get some personal assistance.
Can you burn some candles and/or melting waxes? Spray air freshener? Like someone already mentioned, set up an outdoor space where they can visit. It's a delicate subject.
It's May now. Nice weather abounds everywhere. Why not allow your mom's friend to come over but have them sit outside while they visit? And if they can't sit outside for whatever reason, why do YOU have to tolerate any odor emanating from the woman? Go sit in another part of the house and leave the 2 friends alone to visit. Your mother has very few things left to enjoy in life as it is with dementia going on!
I don't think that anyone should take a parent (or anyone) into their home, then not allow them to have a visitor. Especially a parent who has depression on top of all their ailments. I would be glad they had a friend.
The smell won't last forever. Neither will your mum's capacity to engage with a friend. Let her enjoy it while she can.
And there is something that can be done about gum desease. For one, a good cleaning at the Dentist. In early stages its plaque that has harden and gives off a sulfur order. In bad cases the bacteria eats away the bone. When this happens, the gums need to be opened up and the damaged bone scraped away. Not fun, I had it done. Have had no problems since.
Another problem, that was talked about the last couple of days, is undiagnosed diabetes. The smell was discribed like acetone.
"Diseases such as some cancers can cause a distinctive breath odor. The same is true for disorders related to the body's process of breaking food down into energy. Constant heartburn, which is a symptom of gastroesophageal reflux disease or GERD."
Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bad-breath/symptoms-causes/syc-20350922
Also, diabetes (ketosis), liver disease, peptic ulcer are other causes.
If she's on her own tell your mother she has to have a talk with her friend about cleaning up. Otherwise, they will have to visit outdoors because you don't want her in the house. If mom refused, you quietly take this person aside and tell her plainly but not unkindly, that she smells very bad and needs to take come care with her own hygiene. Then ask if she needs help and tell her that needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds to me like she needs some homecare help with her hygiene care. It will be an uncomfortable discussion for sure but one that must be had.
My friend, I think it will be like pulling off a band-aid. Best to just get to it and get it over with.
Is this not also the home of your MOM. That is to say if she is living with you, you have made your home hers.
If your mother is living with you, and this is a friend who comes to visit her, then this friend is essentially visiting your mother in her own home. This is something that honestly, in a woman with depression (listed in your profile) I cannot imagine not allowing. Has your mother not had enough losses due to aging.
The mouth problem is likely gum disease. What can you do about that? Nothing.
The B.O is likely something she cannot herself smell (may have some onset of age related loss of smell and taste; my brother did, likely due to undiagnosed Lewys, and I had to speak to him about using deoderant, because he had no idea).
Please find another way. Ask your mom is she is comfortable telling her friend that her daughter is disturbed easily by smells and she feels that she should perhaps change deoderants as we get immune to them. If she isn't comfortable doing that, then I am afraid you are in for a smelly house. Try to keep the two in "Mom's Room" or a specific room for the visits. Then bring mom into family room and air it all out. It's unlikely it will permiate the carpetings.
I am all for cleanliness. I am all for honesty. But I am MORE for loving visits from a friend. Most of our elders enter aging having lost them all one way or another, and being alone. Don't rob your mom of visits from a friend she loves. Please.
No one has to let someone else stink up their house. The OP can discreetly speak to her friend's family about getting her some hygiene assistance. Or she can have her mother speak to the friend about it as a friend. Or the OP can talk to her about it and offer to help her get some personal assistance.
Or they can start visiting outside.
Like someone already mentioned, set up an outdoor space where they can visit.
It's a delicate subject.
Mom's friend. Coming to visit your Mom & Mom doesn't mind.