She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
Your mental health matters. Bouts of depression and shaking tell you everything that you need to know about how you really feel. No need to feel guilty—it’s very clear that having her into your space has a negative impact on your well-being.
There are always some people who in reality have a very bad time in what is usually considered to be ‘normal’ or ‘good’. And there are some people who have a good time in the opposite – times considered to be ‘bad’. The depression and WWII weren’t bad for all families, and even in hard times it’s not true that for children “most of their needs were not met and there was much neglect and abuse”. Particularly in the USA it was NOT “one of the worst times in modern history”. Some people were not much affected, and there have been MUCH worse times in what still counts as “modern history”. The ‘good times’, like the 1950s and 60s, were NOT good for everyone, including my own mother and family. Some people and families have always done the best they could, no matter what problems they lived with, and some have wallowed in their troubles and blamed it all on others.
Elders who blame all their troubles on history are having people on!
There are always some people who in reality have a very bad time in what is usually considered to be ‘normal’ or ‘good’. And there are some people who have a good time in the opposite – times considered to be ‘bad’. The depression and WWII weren’t bad for all families, and even in hard times it’s not true that for children “most of their needs were not met and there was much neglect and abuse”. Particularly in the USA it was NOT “one of the worst times in modern history”. Some people were not much affected, and there have been MUCH worse times in what still counts as “modern history”. The ‘good times’, like the 1950s and 60s, were NOT good for everyone, including my own mother and family. Some people and families have always done the best they could, and some have wallowed in their troubles and blamed it all on others.
Elders who blame all their troubles on history are having people on!
Seekerone
Dec 2023
It may help to remember that this generation has special issues. Born during the Great depression, children during WWII. Pretty sure these kids were denied much and complaining was not an option. Was the love and nurturing there? I don't think so.
As elders now, I suspect that a lot of their childhood trauma is coming to the surface. In their own way, they are trying to communicate this. None of us were there to see what these adults endured during one of the worst times in modern history.
Most of their needs were not met and there was much neglect and abuse. Again, I think much of this played out in their adult lives and still does. Very sad. Patience and understanding with this generation can do wonders.
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I suffered trauma because of my horrible Mother, who grew up during the Great Depression. This statement about having patience and understanding is a load of manure. Why should I "understand" and be "patient" with someone who decided to bring me into this world, and then abused me for most of my life?
I was abused by HER, and yet I have NOT inflicted this abuse on other innocent children/people/creatures, because I am better than that, and care greatly about being kind and respectful to others, despite my upbringing.
Just because you were brought up in an abusive home, doesn't give you the right to have a "free pass" to do whatever the heck you want to others in later years. Your theory is wrong, bogus, insensitive, and full of holes. AND I bet you were never abused growing up, otherwise you wouldn't be spouting this drivel.
"Special Issues", my ARSE.
My mother and I are on a rotating schedule of peace, hatefulness, arguing, being told that she hates me, I'm not wanted, not needed and to leave and not come back. Well we both know I can't just leave her alone and she's much too cheap to pay for care out of pocket so we just kind of avoid one another for a day or two and start the cycle over again. I hate my life, I hate her and I'm not ashamed to admit that I wished she would die already. She doesn't want to be here, she makes me miserable. It would just be a blessing. We've never gotten along. I don't know why I even thought that being her caregiver would ever work out. And what's worse her 6 brothers and sister that never come to visit and have no idea what I go thru like to sit and gossip about how horrible I am, what a shitty job I'm doing and they even hint that they think that I'm abusing her! It's a lot....too much really. And all the while my life is passing me by. I'm 53, still single, no kids....and none of that will ever change as long as I'm here being shit on.
Anyway, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it about myself. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Hang in there. And if you have any advice/hints/tips I would gladly listen because I'm at a loss. Thanks in advance.
Complete mystery to her. I accept that. She can be cruel.
But she is frightened and I do try to help her. Sometimes I get angry
But she does ultimately listen. She is a bit unmoored since my father died. He was in his own way brilliant.
I'm one of two daughters and my sister died. That didn't help either. The wrong daughter died.
But I can't dwell on this- although I do. I am becoming disgusted with her doctors. But these matters require some finesse.
And the ageism is so obvious. Why make the life of a 90 year old woman better? Why not? It's a racket. Money. The assisted living ruse. If she falls again there goes 100 K a year. No nice apartment.
So even though I despise my mother I do not want to see her taken advantage of.
Sending best wishes ~
He was abusive to my mother when she was at the end of her life -so much so that safeguarding had to get involved and placed her in a nursing home. I feel like I have PTSD remembering how tortured my mother was and also so resentful that I had to care for my mother as a single mother with a toddler because he could not cope and now I have to care for him.
I wouldn’t waste any energy not liking her. And definitely don’t spend any energy feeling guilty. I wouldn’t be able to stand her either. I would treat her well and then turn around and put her right out of my mind. We do not want to spend her energy overthinking their behavior. It is such a waste of time.
I would have minimal visits. Making sure she’s cared for. And as comfortable as possible. And hopefully by now you’re done with all of that.
I’ve worked for a woman that behaves very similar. We are now going on the eighth year. She has been negative and depressed all of her life, and as she has become aleven older with some dementia, it is even worse. She drank forever and now being in an assisted living, she cannot drink. So then we deal with being a dry drunk plus the negative behavior plus the dementia. She is very hateful towards others and mumbles a lot of nasty things under her breath. Everything is a negative. Everything is hateful. She is definitely what I call toxic.
I am encouraged by many others to take care of myself do what I can for her and then put her out of my mind and take care of myself.
I’m sorry this is your mom that behaves (behaved) this way I can’t even imagine if this woman were my mom. I always think I’ll do my best job and thank goodness I receive a paycheck.
Take good care
I feel your pain and I am sorry that you are going through hell with your mom.
Walk away from her when she starts her foolishness. Don’t be her audience in her dramatic performances. Let her become a solo act in an empty theatre.
Smile on your way out! I have done this successfully with people that I don’t wish to be around. It’s extremely gratifying!
I have absolutely no desire to argue with a stupid person. Ignorance can be overcome. Stupidity is another story.
My grandmother was an angel from heaven. My husband’s grandmother was pure evil who tried to be a dictator to everyone in her life. People like this know who to latch onto. They target vulnerable people.
Ha! She succeeded with her husband. My husband’s grandfather was a sweetheart, devoted to his wife and refused to get a divorce due to being a devout Catholic.
Everyone told him to leave her but he couldn’t find the courage to leave. Divorce was very much frowned upon at that time. Sadly, the man never retired from his job because he didn’t want to be alone with her.
When he got cancer, the first words out of her mouth were, “What about me?” She didn’t give a rat’s a** about her husband or anyone else. Her husband left her with a mansion uptown and tons of money but nothing was ever enough for her.
Unfortunately, he died a broken man.
She died completely alone in the hospital where she continued to spew hate towards everyone. She wrote hate mail to all of us before she died. It’s sad and rather pathetic to see people living in so much misery.
She told me before I married my husband that she EXPECTED me to be at her house every Sunday for dinner! I said to her, “That is NOT happening!” and I walked away.
She lied and told everyone that her only daughter, my sweet mother in law was “faking” her cancer! I honestly don’t know how my mother in law survived her childhood with that woman!
Plan your escape as soon as possible. Then one day, all of this heartache will be nothing more than a distant memory.
You do not have to live in pain forever, nor do you have to have vengeance in your heart. You can simply live in peace.
Don’t ever allow anyone to hurt you or own a piece of your heart and soul after you leave them. Freedom is a beautiful thing.
Wishing you the very best in life!
Your mother behaves as she does because the people she behaves this way to have always allowed it.
Don't make yourself a prisoner to your parents care needs. You have a right to have a life and to be treated with basic human respect and dignity. Also, no one can be put on a guilt trip unless they are willing to make the voyage.
The next time your mother gets 'mouthy' or abusive with you, look her square in the face and tell her to go f*** herself and give it right back to her. She sounds like a bully and you should treat her like one. I'm sure she'll fold like a cheap suit the second someone stands up to her.
Let me tell you something. No one has to automatically respect their parents or tolerate abusive behavior because they are our parents.
Anything beyond basic human respect is EARNED not guaranteed. If your mother wants to be treated with respect by you she can start treating you with respect.
If she doesn't, then cut her out of your life. Go totally 'Gray Rock' with her. You don't have to have a relationship with a person like her. No one does.
You'd be doing yourself a favor by moving away. You can still have a relationship with your father.
It helps to see I'm not alone in wishing her life would end and that helps me have a little less guilt about that wish.
I doubt if you can legally force your mom to get on a plane.
You desperately need to see an elder law attorney in your state. It has helped me so much. See some of my old posts.
Hugs to you.
Try to figure out what you need to do to get some distance from her. You matter too.