Well, my sister just sent me the link to this site. I was amazed at some of what I read. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles.
I have a mother that is relatively young (68), legally blind and diabetic. I moved her from San Antonio to my town in Missouri last year so that I could help her get her life back in order. I had been financing her life for the 7 or so months prior to the move (rent, food, etc.), paid for her bankruptcy (her 3rd, mind you), moving expenses, blah blah blah. It had grown to an insane amount of money in a very short period of time. I figured that it was better to move her up here where I could help keep an eye on her spending, her health, and all the rest. I was WRONG.
She lived with me the first two months, and the fact that one of us isn't buried in my back yard is a miracle. She has, in the span of a year and a half, taxed my emotional health and finances to the point that I'm about ready to divorce her, so to speak. There are never any sincere thank you's from her, no attempts on her part to either be more responsible with her money or to take better care of her health... and if I try to prod her in the right direction in either area, I am locked in combat with a woman who uses guilt trips and verbal abuse as a means to ending an argument that she can't win in any other way. She is constantly angry, self-pitying, selfish, and demanding. She expects me to spend my time, no matter what, taking her on whatever errands she needs to run, even though the Area Agency on Aging has told her repeatedly that they will provide her with free taxi vouchers to take her to whatever 'necessary' (they qualified this as grocery store, doctor, social security office, etc.) errands she needs to run. But she told me point blank that I'm her daughter and that's what I'm there for... that she shouldn't have to do things on her own just to 'make my life easier'. She destroyed the carpet in my guestroom when she was here for two months (brand new house) and feels no guilt about it at all.
I've got a lot of old anger issues with my mother, most regarding things that she put me through when I was growing up (physical, verbal, emotional abuse... neglect... blah blah blah), but I've still tried to do the right thing and care for her as well as I could. But that being said, I don't know how much longer I can continue having her in my life when she just seems intent on sucking me both financially and emotionally dry. Up until two months ago, I was still paying her rent every month at her apartment, buying her groceries, etc., and then found out that while I'm doing all that because she's 'broke', she was buying out QVC and sees nothing wrong with it. She refuses to manage her diabetes the way she's supposed to, eating a half-gallon of ice cream at a time and then going off on me when I tell her I'm concerned about her health and don't want her to eat that way. I get the same reaction when I tell her I want to help her clean up her space (she lives in filth and an unbelievable amount of clutter. Seriously unbelievable.) so that she can be happy and healthy. She's on all kinds of medication for her heart, her diabetes, her migraines, etc., but my sympathy is almost completely used up because so many of these issues are issues she wouldn't have, or not to the degree she does, if she'd just LISTEN and take care of herself.
*sighs*
I'm really sorry to go on like this, but I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty if I leave her to her own devices, but it honestly feels like she's killing me bit by bit every day. When confronted, she plays up the 'everyone's picking on me' angle, since she thrives on being the victim. She lies to everyone, she... God, what am I going to do? I don't want to hate her, but I'm afraid that that's what I'm going to be left with if something doesn't change. I have two siblings, one who tries to help as and when she can and one that does absolutely nothing. The one that does nothing? Mom still defends and dotes on HER. Isn't that always the way?
Any advice at all on how to either help my mother or keep my head glued on would be most welcome. Again, sorry for the length of my post.
If I were you, I would look into the possibility of hiring a caretaker to come to your house and basically assume your role, or better yet, having your mom move into a safe, comfortable assisted living facility or nursing home.
I could never continue going through what you are! It could be dementia...an exaggeration of her own personality. This happened to a friend's mother. She verbally abused my friend for too many years, and is now so much worse.....but thankfully, she lives in some kind of nursing facility.
Good luck with everything, and at the very least for now, make sure you have at least a half an hour or more time to yourself everyday. This is essential for you at this time so you don't get really sick.
Let me share a story with you.... some of you have heard it. For the past year my mother started calling me so frequently that I came yeah close to having my phone number changed. I couldn't stand hearing her selfish behaviors and it was destroying our household.
One night we had a severe storm. It got pitch black out. Tornado weather for sure. I was just getting ready to head to my basement with my husband and the dog, when my mother called. She said she was scared, which I completely understood. But I told her to head to the basement. (She could walk just fine) She started begging me and pleading with me to come over. I simply told her, "Mom if I leave to help you and I'm killed I can't help you. Do you want me to die?" She screamed yes to me and slammed down the phone.
My own mother wanted me dead. I vowed from that day I would not lose my health over her. From the assistance of my counselor he also explained that I can not get blood from a stone. So it is with my mother.
I have provided the best health care for my mother possible. Dad provided for her very well in having excellent health insurance (even now), and now for their provisions for living in assisted living. I placed my parents in an excellent facility that speaks to my mother's meticulous taste in decor and that also provides excellent care for my father as an Alzheimer's patient.
I have done all I can for them both. My mother made her choices in life, but one thing I had to come to realize as well. My father permitted my mother to behave that way her entire life. Both are equally responsible for each other's behavior. I cannot change that. But what I can change is my outlook on life, take care of myself and make sure I work on my marriage.
I encourage you to rest, get healthy, and take care of your marriage first. Your caregiving even if you choose to be distant (emotionally) will still be a lot of work, but at least you can know in your heart of hearts that you have done all possible.
Just a penny or some change for your thoughts. ;)
I am going to make an appointment tomorrow to see my GP, and explain that my mum is also her patient and that my mum is stressing me out, raising my BP ( which my GP is aware I have) and I am going to ask for help...If my GP doesnt help me she will be seeing me a lot more, either with my BP through the roof or with something worse. I cannot take much more. All I wanted tonight was a quiet evening and an early night, and again I havent sat down till 7.30, and again my head is pounding...
Turns out mom suffered her whole life from Anxiety and Depression! The family lived with it, so we did not know any different, or what could be done.
Once she was on the correct meds (several attempts to see what works the best)
she appears 'normal'. You have our prayers. Jerome
She as never worked full time in her life so cannot comprehend that when she phones and i dont answer IM NOT IN ! i am at work! she then accuses me of ignoring the phone. Which if i am 100% honest i have done, but through the day between 8.30 and 5 i am working...she turns up at my house unannounced and just sits there making this clicking noise with her nails and asking the same questions over and over and over...and i mean the same questions about the same subject i answered 5 minutes previous.
I am so glad there are like minded people in this group, if i have a moan at work or to friends all i get is "Aww you cant talk like that she is your mum after all " if one more person says that i swear i will flip! I feel like saying tell ya what have her, they would bring her straight back.
The trouble is aswell, both me and my siblings have issues with our mum over events in our childhood, to be frank my mum was a "piece of work", so i have all that anger brewing & festering aswell as all the frustration she now causes me.
I am ranting again im sorry :-)
I too am at the end of my rope as you so expertly put it. My mother is 86 years old and in a progressing state of dementia/ alzheimers. She is driving myself and my sister up the wall. I have high blood pressure which i take medication for, being in the same room as my mother causes my BP to rise, i can physically feel it, she makes me sooo angry..i feel like washing my hands of her at the moment for my sanity and my health, i sometimes feel she will outlive me, cos i swear i am going to collapse with a stroke or a heart attack brought on by her winding me up to such an extent and my BP raising, i am 43 years old.
The cause of all this upset is this, my mother is deaf ( another thing she would not admit and NOT get a hearing aid for ), she is very bad on her legs, she is extrememly confused ( she states she is 56, she is 86) , she repeats everything 20 to 30 times in one conversation, she babbbles on about rubbish, cuts through conversations because she cant hear whats going on so starts her own conversation, which most of the time is totally unrelated to what is being discussed.
She as always been a very selfish poor little me person, but with dementia she is a nightmare.
Recently my sister and I have been trying to talk to my mum about going in sheltered accomodation (a liitle flat with a buzzer and a warden), we are becoming increasingly worried that in the state she is in, she is an accident waiting to happen, i and my husband work full time and my sister lives a while away. So her living in a warden controlled enviroment would give us all peace of mind. She flatly and stubbornly refuses to budge on the subject, she refuses point blank to leave her house, even though i have explained the dangers, she said if she fell "its just something we would have to cope with" who is this we??? ME !!!!.
She rings me, never says who it is and just yells down the phone "How are you?" then when i reply she cant hear me, so whats the point in ringing me??? she wont wear her hearing aid either...for years she told me she wasnt deaf it was me who mutters !!
At the moment i am considering walking away from her completely, she p*** me off so much!!! I apologise for ranting!
And the best bit, social services here in the UK told my sister nobody can intervene or help with my mother until she as gone to a doctor with one of us and admits she has problems and needs help! She cant remember one conversation from the next how the hell do they expect her to say yes I have a problem...! she wouldnt remember saying it! I am just so angry and frustrated with this at the moment i am sorry to have ranted, although i must admit its nice to rant and get it out!
Thanks for reading and listening
(I am not a nasty person, i am just at the end of my patience)
Tracey x
Well everything worked out with moving my Mom from CA to GA. I did not have to give her a sedative and she was very cooperative and ready to go.
I thank God that he has answered my prayers, and my husband will be caring for my Mom as he's retired and I am still working. All that I will have to do is to give her a shower every other day, keep her hair cleaned and change her colostomy bag.
Thank God
I had the same reaction when I first learned about NPD. Liberated is a good word.
It's tough having an NPD parent because it takes a lifetime to evaluate the warped ideas she presents and relearn your own thinking and behavior. The parts the NPD parent doesn't like about herself she projects onto her children. It's hard to know what's yours and what's hers.
Glad to know you are on a new course. I wish you continued peace and happiness. Let me know how you are progressing.
I hope all of you with problems similar to mine get the help you need so you can have some of the stress taken off your shoulders. It's a very difficult situation to be in.
My Mom is soon moving by me, not with me. I will be her caregiver and advocate. She will see her husband whom she hasn't seen since December, who is in a wonderful care facility, and doing well. I am blessed to have options, because my home isn't one for them, unless there's some unforeseen emergency. Anybody want a beautiful Golden Retriever? I'm going to temporarily place her until Mom is settled. If she can find a place to accept her, fine. If not, we go to plan B. Mom's bird will get to visit "Daddy" at the Nursing Home. That my not be permanent. I'd love it if "Teddy" would just "fly away." I won't take Mom's pets away, but I may not be able to accommodate them, either. I don't any longer care (secretly I do) if Mom likes me or not. Neglect is not an option, and she gets what she gets (me). I am my Mom's feisty firstborn, so she gets what she helped raise, plus who God is rebuilding, by his mercy. If she doesn't behave, she stews in her own juices, so to speak. I told her from the beginning that things will go well according to how well she works with me. When she can't, my compassion and God's grace take over, one day at a time.
I believe that when it gets to a specific point where we can't and don't want to deal with it anymore that it's time to place them in a home, go visit everyday, etc. As many of us get abused by our elderly parents and it's not right.
My Mom thinks I am her worse enemy and adores my two drug addict brothers. Go figure. My husband will be caring for her while I am at work. But, believe me, I'll know when it's time to place her and that's what I'll do without any guilt.
Your mother may have a personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Check out Karyl McBride's new book Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
I am working on the theory that my mother suffers from NPD. Unfortunately there is no way to treat it. Over the last 5 years of "caring" for my mother, I have learned to take care of myself and limit my interaction with my mother so that I only help her with her aging issues and not her mental disorder.
You may want to think about doing that. Also, if you can't take anymore, you may want to put her in an Assisted Living Facility. Medicaid will pick up the balance of the tab if her income isn't enough. Call your local Department of Family Services for help or the people at the assisted living facility can give you more information.
I had no idea there was a 'self neglect' issue that could be raised with social services. I'll definitely look into that.
Thanks again :)