I have my 83 year old grandmother who has dementia living with me. My mother had a stroke in 2010 and somehow I got my grandmother. One sister lives in TX and the other sister comes and picks my grandmother up every other weekend and nothing more. My mother lives in a convalescent facility and I visit her during my lunch hour. My relationship with my boyfriend has become extremely strained (oh did I mention his 14 year old daughter had to come stay at our house). We pay a caregiver to come from 9 - 5 Monday through Friday. I get off at 4:30 each day. I have to rush home to change her and cook dinner. I AM TIRED. Most days I cry from fear that I will end up like my mother. I am urgently in search of an overnight senior care center so I can go on vacation that doesn't include doctor appointments or last minute sick caregiver days.
1. I'd like to go back to Nancy's question. Why is Grandmother living with you? Yes, I suppose you love her. I imagine that you love Mother, too, but you realize that caring for her in your home is beyond your capabilities. Sounds to me like this situation is getting beyond you, too. Loving an elder does not always mean taking on the day-to-day hands-on care of them.
2. If Grandmother has properties, why are you paying for the daytime caregiver? To the extent that she is able to, shouldn't she be paying her own way? What about using her resources to place her in a nice care facility, or to at least provide in-home while she lives with you? What is she saving these resources for -- her old age? :D
3. Transferring properties to you may make her ineligible for Madicaid, etc. for 5 years. And fordellcastle makes a good point, that if she is not legally competent to make contractual decisions, transfers from Grandmother to you may not be valid. Is there a trust involved? I don't understand the stipulation that she must be deceased before you get the property. I don't understand the whole financial situation, but my point is just that this does not sound like a do-it-yourself project, but something that should be guided by an elder law attorney. If you are working on straightening out GM's financial affairs, spend some of her money to be sure it is done correctly.
4. Do you love your boyfriend? Are you hoping to make a stable home with him and his daughter? Or is this a more casual friendship? I think a serious evaluation of what you want/expect that relationship to be should be factored into any decisions about Grandmother's care.
5. If GM is going to live with you, make sure you have the best medical help and guidance you can have. Figuring out how to care for someone with Dementia is also not a do-it-yourself project. ltopper's comments about the importance of having a knowledgable doctor on your side is very important!
The more I think about the stress you are under -- caregiving for a person with dementia, being supportive of a mother in a care center, trying to maintain a relationship with a boyfriend, dealing with a teenager in your home, and struggling with the heaps and piles and stacks of leagal and financial issues -- the more my heart goes out to you. Crying every day is not what you deserve!
I don't know how your brothers and sisters fit into this, but I think I wouldn't waste the energy to resent them. They've made some choices. You get to make choices, too. Focus on your own choice right now -- those are the only ones you can control over in any case.
Best wishes to you, and please keep us informed about how things are going.