Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
It is so sad it took that attack/ER/Hosp. visit to get things to work out!
While it was wicked how the sil handled things,
and worse for them committing slander on you and your family while/after moving Mom out,
the bottom line is, she is OUTTA THERE! YAY!
[[I know there is guilt, anger and all sorts of emotions surrounding it--but just keep focusing on the fact that she is now sil's problem--sooner or later, sil will also get bit.]]
You cannot change them.
They will keep doing what they are doing.
Consider their source!
You rejoice that you no longer need to do that thankless job, and, now have a terrific chance to renew yourself, and your life, whatever shape that takes....make it good!
As for your DH not being very understanding
---guys can be like that.
Like as not, he has trouble identifying his own feelings, among other things
---a whole 'nuther complicated set of issues.
I know--it took my DH over 40 years to finally wake up to the fact he needed help, and started getting it--it took major crises with Mom, and major crisis with his health to get him to start paying attention
---prior to that, he was almost totally ignorant that I had had a stroke, even when I was dropping cups and having trouble swallowing;
we were going thru another rough patch, he was just oblivious, and I was in total shut-down/protect-myself-mode, hiding anything was wrong
--long story
--but the indicators you described, seem to point to that HE probly ALSO needs help--just an educated guess
--and now Mom is outta there, MAYbe help can be found for EACH of you!
Mom was trouble, while at your place, and escalating.
It is common for that to happen.
It is also common for sibs to do exactly what your DH's did.
It commonly breaks families apart.
Cut your losses.
Determine to make better lives for yourselves.
YOU especially, must find whatever you need, find your Genuine Self, and nurture that Self back into being--your Self has been crushed to the point of near-heart-attack--that is a GIANT wake-up call!
I will keep you in my prayers for healing!
{{{hugs!}}}
Ended up in the Cardiac Unit of Hospital, was admitted but released the next afternoon. After many tests, results seem to point to "anxiety attack" and "stress". I was sad that my own husband felt it wasn't important enough to take me to Emergency Room, but in his own words "I have to get up for work and you could be there awhile. I need my rest". At least I didn't have to drive myself, my step daughter took me when she got off work & stayed with me until around 2am when I was placed in a room for the night & I was finally calming down. It was scary by the time I entered the ER. Nothing seemed to work, to ease the pain and get my blood pressure down until I was given morphine. Anyway, I've had a different outlook since then.
My husband has court appearance Sept 20th, for guardianship of his mom. This has been awful, the time leading up to the hearing. His mom declared war on us, making herself sick! Then my husband's sister is against this, doing everything she can to complicate things. Unexpectedly, she easily convinced my mother in law to leave our home, to be with her - making my husband and I look like "ugly demons" out to get MOM.
I feel guilty because I am enjoying peace and quiet, no pins and needles, like I have my life back. BUT my MIL is with the sister who is spending her money like candy and spins lies about us here. So who knows how court will go.
My husband has told me that IF he doesn't get guardianship, his mom can stay with his sister. Let her spend all the money. But when it's gone, mom doesn't come back here.
IF he gets guardianship, he will enforce that his MIL gets placed in daycare at one of our local assisted living quarters so I have my days of freedom to work & enjoy some quiet and peace.
If you have fired your counselor, there must have been good cause.
Please do not just chalk that up to your feelings being scrambled
A counselor who is off base observing how the sessions are progressing
[or not!] , is not likely able to change their tactics.
....Honor your gut feelings, and seek a different counselor--there is no rule that forces a person to stick with the 1st counselor they try
--some folks go thru several before finding the right one
--or going to one for a time, then another, as their healing progresses, might need different kinds of counseling to keep progressing. It's OK!.
It is so hard when family fails to work cohesively together, and unfortunately, there is usually one person who ends up getting the short end of the stick. Though it might likely be that your spouses' sister feels it is herself, she is not the one doing 24/7 care-giving.
She might need her own advocate to assist her in getting her needs met, so she does not feel compelled to use her Mom, and can then stop messing with your best efforts.
As for doing 24/7 care-giving:
IF you are providing half or more of the upkeep for MIL, I believe there is a way for her to be your dependent on your taxes. Talk with whoever does your taxes. This won't get money to you fast enuf to pay that other debt, but might help in the long run.
As for creditors:
Be aware, the best thing to do is to keep in close contact with that company [any and all creditors], keep good records and paper trails--ALWAYS document on paper, contacts with the creditors--do NOT rely only on phone calls.
keep them informed of your circumstances,
and that you do not intend to stiff them in any way
--you intend to pay, as soon as the money is available
....or if you can, negotiate small payments.
They will push you, will try to pressure.
That is their job.
But talk with them--Weekly, monthly, or whenever there is a change in circumstances that might impact that arrangement.
If you lose the papers they sent for you to apply for financial hardship help, call them to get those replaced asap.
We ended up with some bills for care-giving Mom here.
And medical bills for stress-related health emergencies for ourselves.
And likely there will be legal bills.
But all the companies I have spoken with, and kept in the loop,
have been fairly decent about making arrangements for us to make minimal payments, since ALL of them want paid at once.
FEW States have laws that force creditors to stand in line one at a time...a number of States allow all creditors to come after debtors all at once, to one degree or another. CA allowed all creditors to attach wages of a family we knew, to the point they had nothing to pay rent or feed family with.
They moved to Michigan, to get some relief.
Talk with people, let them know you are doing the best you can, and you have every intention of paying as soon as you are able. If you arrange to make $10/month payments, that is something--they might squawk over that and want more, but you can keep emphasizing to them what your limits are.
You might also want to contact "Area Agency on Aging" near you,
speak to a Legal Person there,
to find out what your rights are,
BEFORE you spill too many personal beans to the creditors or collection agencies.
They can help inform you what your legal rights are relative to collection agencies, what to do to help get your needs met, and get the care your MIL needs--which might be in a nursing home now.
I pray you can get some relief!
{{{hugs!}}}
Chi
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Stay safe and keep us posted. Hugs, Cat
Interesting news about your counselor. He should be seeing you for free at this session and not charging your insurance. Not that he would, but he did call you, you didn't call him.
I wonder what would happen if you told your MIL that you will have to place her in nursing home care because you have to work and can't manage her care all by yourself. You can tell her it's not that you don't want her to stay with you, it's just that you can't, in good conscience, leave her alone even if she thinks she will be ok. And if she wants to stay at your home, she is going to have to spend some of her money on in home help. That way you can work and she can remain at your home.
God bless and protect you.
I think the denial is "selective" denial. He knows, he just has you to do it.
Please don't quit your job. I was in real estate for almost 20 years and the money I lost due to giving it up to care for mom has been massive.
Can you tell your husband you are DONE!!!! Unplug micro, hide coffee pot, take knobs off stove and go to work. This sounds cruel but they all have the money to rectify the situation and are just using you.
I agree with zoey, this is the worst I have heard of. Bless your heart! And it is HIS mother whom you have only known since you married him. I would tell him it is on him now. And not coming right home. I would blow a gasket.
I'm worried about your health, the stress starts wearing on your immune system. So you don't share money but your stuck with all the caregiving for his mother.
This is so wrong on so many levels. The weight gain is probably from stress and cortisol hormones. Please have another talk with him. Show him the responses on this website. I'll pray for you! Hugs!
Next, when you are done with this site for the day, you will need to Delete it from your Browser History. Sign Out. Then click on "TOOLS" on the top, then click on the box that says "Delete Browsing History" or it may have "Delete Browsing History of this Site." Click on it, and it will delete it. You need to do this every time you sign off from this site.
When I use my sister's computer, I always delete what site I've been using. There's really no need for her and the girls to see where I go on the internet.
The attorney also says since I run my business out of my home, and have declared so on our taxes, he would like me stay in place for awhile, but fine to stay with family here and there, not to create waves. He will file a restraining order, have security thrown on this home, locks changed, with me being entitiled to stay for 30 to 60 days, giving the courts time to set up alimony and I can get everything out safely.
My parents are elderly, I don't want to bring harm to them. My mother could not take it, and my father is too feeble with Parkinson's disease and any stress brings on medical issues.
I need to be in my own place, one with good security in place, I have 9 1/2 months to reach that point.
This is why I have been doing so much thinking and not putting anything here for his eyes to find my strategy. I know all about the place where abused women stay, I give to that organization, and all I need to do is go to the police dept and they will have me picked up and located there. Ever since he threatened to pour gas on my vehicles, that phone number is in my cell phone, in my appt book, on my computer, in my file off site. I am prepared.
My parents will let me stay in their basement, but I could bring harm to them and I won[t do that. Not even to my children. and I will let my husband know that I am not staying with family, making that VERY clear. My parents live only 3 miles from here, where my son is only one street away. NOT GOOD!!!
Please answer these questions: I have a reason for asking them.
1. Are you willing to live at your parents house?
2. How far away do your parents live from your current residence?
3 Are you afraid your husband will harm you or your parents if you move and live with them?
4. Will you share this info with your counselor?
My guess is you have not shared with your counselor the extent of the abuse you live with because he would also advise you to leave and you have not made that decision for yourself yet.
You need a place to go and I have a gut feeling you would not consider a women's shelter. So if you want to leave him, you need to pick a place to go and make a plan.
If you are willing to leave we will all help you. You have options here. If you feel that you are safe at home right now as long as you don't make any waves, then you have some time to pack more of your things and get them quietly out of the house. I don't remember if your son is close enough to pick up your boxes/belongings with out creating undue attention, but if so that would be helpful.
The risk I see from moving things out slowly is that your husband may notice clothes or something other missing and then the shit will really hit the fan. For that reason I think it is better for you to pack everything you can while he is at work and leave in the same day. I'm hoping your son is close enough to bring another person (driver) with him, pack up all the cars and then drive away in one fell swoop.
I would suggest that you use that key and help yourself to some of his cash stash. Use a few bucks of it to pay someone to stay with his mom during the time between when you leave and he comes home. Take as money as you can because it will pay some of your bills and, like it or not, the cash is a joint asset.
Anything that you leave behind and want to retrieve later you can do with the help of the police department. I don't know about Florida, but in California, where I use to live, the police would come out and stand by while a person removed their personal belongings from their home in a domestic situation.
You could go to your local police department and talk with an officer about this after you leave. Or you could go in and tell them that you are in an abusive situation and will be leaving on a certain date. Make sure they understand that you are making a report just in case any difficulties arise during your leaving. Tell them that you want to be able to tell your husband that you have notified the police of you intent to leave and if they have not heard from you by that evening they will be coming to the house to check on you. I'm not sure they (police) will do this, but you can talk to them and see. Either way, it's a good back-up story to tell your hubby should he show up unexpectedly.
We can talk more about a plan, but best case scenario is just pack as much as you can and get the f*** out in one day. And please, don't ever go back. He will be a maniac for the rest of your life.
I know you have your business and don't want to leave the client base that you have built, but you have no friends there anyway. You need friends and you can make then in another area. You can go to support groups that deal with co-dependency and women's groups that help battered women. You are battered and I hope you realize that it doesn't take bruises and broken bones to qualify as battered.
You can build a new client base. Let's face it, the RE market has a long way to go so waiting for it to come back is going to take a long time. You don't have a long time. You can get a job doing in real estate sales elsewhere or maybe checking to pharmaceutical sales. That's a booming field. You can flip burgers if need be for some income.
Doors will open for you if you are willing to make a change and close the doors that don't serve your interests. You have to trust that the world is out there for you and you can be part of something much better.
Please respond to my email and know that all of us are praying for your safety and happiness. Love, Cattails
Please Ohio, those type of men who we once attracted but ASA seen sign of abuse/abusive start packing our bag...so before he and his family will hart you more. I do understand your situation. Can I say one more thing... This thread is not about caregiver for your MIL, it is your Life.....
I did posted about a month ago, I felt some abuse is going on..
Again, everyone reserves a little happiness, so you!!!
Here is some information from the Violence Intervention Services from University of Northern Iowa
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Examples of emotional abuse include constantly belittling, berating, isolating, ignoring, or rejecting someone.
Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, is used to control, demean, harm or punish the victim. While the forms of abuse may vary, the end result is the same – the victim is fearful of the abuser and walks on eggshells to please him/her and try to be safe from harm. Long term effects of emotional abuse include isolation and withdrawal from others, decreased self-esteem, depression, physical illness, alcohol and other drug use/abuse.
NOTE THIS: Emotional abuse is sometimes referred to as “pre-battering behavior”, as it often escalates to physical abuse.
Things to consider
•Know that you are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior.
•Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
•Recognize that emotional abuse should be taken seriously.
•Know that emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence.
•Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider getting individual counseling from professionals who are trained about abusive relationships and will hold your partner responsible for the abuse you are experiencing. HAH! -sorry I had to
•Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength.
Some victims leave, others stay, and yet others leave, but later return to their batterer, having been convinced that he has changed. To an outsider, this is frustrating and confusing. They wonder, “why would anyone stay in an abusive relationship?”
NOTE THIS TOO: Research shows that domestic violence tends to escalate in severity when victims communicate that they intend to leave or they actually leave the relationship. For this reason, it is very important to plan carefully to leave.
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Google this site - Ohio Domestic Violence network, and particularly"Info for Survivors".
This list is from that site
Ohio Shelter and Program Referral List
If you are experiencing an emergency call 911 for immediate assistance. If you do not find your county or city listed below please contact ODVN at 800-934-9840 during the hours of 9:00 am to 5:00 pm for referral to an agency that can best serve you. Please note that not all programs listed here are shelter programs, some offer other services such as legal advocacy services. If you need to contact an advocate immediately and not during our regular business hours call the National Domestic Violence Hot Line, 24-hours a day, at 800-799-7233.
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Ohiogal - make that phone call to the ODVN at 800-934-9840 during the hours of 9:00 am to 5:00 pm. You can find out which agencies are in your area and get counselling and legal advocacy.
I think that letting your family know about the situation you are in is a good idea. Maybe your sons can come and get you out of there, but also contact the professionals at the number above, and make a plan to protect yourself. They have the resources you need.Once professionals are involved, you are better protected. and ditch that counsellor
Keep in touch, You know there are many here who care for you and are praying for you. We want to see you safe in all ways - physically, emotionally, spiritually. We want to see you reunited with those who love you. I remember way back you saying if this relationship did not work out you would never have another one. Never say never, dear one. You have a lot of healing to do, but never say never. In any case, with or without a partner, you can have a good life.
With much love and hope for your future (((((((hugs))))) and ♥♥♥ Joan