My in-laws 72 and 86, have lived with us for only....um five months. I have nine children of my own and their father's job is changing dramatically so there adds some more stress. Felt like I was losing my marbles completely the last few weeks as my five year old had an ER visit with his asthma and my 83 year old father had some sort of mental break down while my 16 year old son was staying with him so my mom could get a respite. I wish my mother in law would take my suggestions and let me take her to a church group or something to make some friends as she is up to that. My father-in-law takes most of the day to get ready and then it is time for him to go to bed.......can't seem to move around the house without bumping into each other and I can not stand the pouting. I am as kind and gracious as I feel is humanly possible as I also care for my own kids, with two out of the house. Ideas? Experience? How to handle? I need some space and a break badly!
Yes......I am sort of used to overload so am doing what I can to carve out time to plan our schedule for the fall. Predictability of daily living helps the 4 year old and the 72 year old who seems much like the 4 year old. Going to keep it as simple as possible. What with my husbands traveling increasing, I think we will have to make the schedule assuming he won't be here much. Ugh. Thankful for a helpful neighbor who comes a nd helps with the kitchen and food prep. Understatement on the thankful part. I joke that we live in a gated community. :o) Speaking of schedule........
- if the In-Laws have just moved in, I'm assuming that means they have lost their home to do this. Sometimes it is easy to overlook what the Elders may be feeling when WE are so overloaded with care-giving. The sense of loss for them might be far bigger than they are letting on, THIS may be some of the unconscious source of some of the pouting and irritation. Imagine how we would feel if we lost our home and had to move in with our children...the emotions are very big for them too and it will take some time for them to adjust to the losses of freedom, independence, body functions etc, and simply facing the fact that they can no longer take care of themselves. These issues are hugely stressful for them too, but my guess is that they don't want to burden you further with their feelings...but it has to slip out from time to time and this may be what you are seeing in the pouting and the uncooperative behavior. it is not about you, it's about what they have lost and what they will continue to loose as they get older.
- Are there any small ways you can turn over some chores to MIL ? Things may not get done the way you would like, but she would be contributing and that would help her feel better, especially if she is a "doer". It is important to accept that it will not be done YOUR way but hers, so pick chores where this is manageable to your sensibilities. It is important to make sure she is not criticized for her way, but is allowed to contribute something to the household. This gets tricky when we are used to running our homes the way WE want to. The more of your load that you can delegate and actually have getting done, the better it is all the way around. Can she do some of the teaching regarding home skills to your children? That would free you up for a few minutes of "me" time.
- Does your area have an Elder day care? It may be something that Dad could take part in if his cognitive abilities would allow it.
- YES to getting them out and about and meeting new friends....they need to find a purpose and not feel like they are a burden. It takes time, but it will make a huge difference.
- Our local Senior center takes lots of day and half-day trips to various places in and around the general area...is there something like this that might work for you?
- this is a big thought: is it possible to build a small addition to your home? This would be so useful now especially but could really open up options later on for your family too after they no longer are with you....visiting children with grandchildren can use the space or you could rent it out. It's a big option, but if your In-laws are here for a long haul it just might be the best investment. A bedroom, bath and small living area would give them a sense of privacy, be less stress on your growing family and you could still cook for them and have meals together. We did that here and it has been an incredible blessing to just have the clear separation. The Elders appreciate the privacy to be on their own and the kids like not having to share their Mom with the In-laws all the time.
- I don't know how you feel about Flower Essence therapy but for some people they are quite effective and very helpful, especially for dealing with emotional stresses of various kinds. Speak with a Naturopathic physician or a knowledgeable Health food store manager who can help you select the remedies that best suit your needs. They will not hurt you to take them. The Bach flower remedies are the standard...and the website may be helpful too.
- find a certain time of day for 15 minutes that is YOURS and yours alone. Same time every day. Let everyone know that these 15 minutes are yours and that you are not to be interrupted for any reason unless someone needs an ambulance. Make a space in a place where you can get away and close the door...and do NOT let anyone interrupt you during that time. For over-givers this is really hard to do, but, carving out those 15 minutes every day can make a HUGE difference. Use the time to meditate, have a cup of tea, do some napping, whatever....but it is time that YOU devote to YOU. Make sure you're not mending, planning, tending others in any way...this is YOUR time. After you and the family get good at 15 minutes go for 30! Time enough for a bath!!! :-)
Blessings and best of luck to you!!
The history here according to your statements are that they have already worn their welcome out at other relatives' home(s), so that should be a red flag. Remember, it is YOUR home, YOUR rules. Don't like it (sorry to sound callous), leave. Whatever you need to make this work, first, I would suggest that you also put a timeline on it for a better long term solution. Proactive, not reactive.
You have a family who needs you and you need, for that, with 9 kids (!) to keep your sanity and your health. I'm sorry, but if they run out of money, they are eligible for Medicaid and nursing home care. You have a lot of miles to go, girl, before you sleep!
Kidding aside, take care of yourself. You must be an angel.
Glad you and your husband enjoyed a night out - keep them coming!!!! You need and deserve it! Hugs and blessings to you.