Mom with dementia makes up stories that she believes are true.

"I wish I could see one good thing about this situation rather than focusing on her decline."

So true. I'm not good at being succinct and my "one thing" is usually 6 things, but this quote from SueC1957 is My One Truth.

Mom passed 2 years ago, and I still ruminate on the deterioration and hopelessness. And flashing back to one-after-another baffling thing that Mom did or said that I brushed off as "just" Mom's weirdness or self-centeredness, but was actually a dementia symptom.

These new-old memories are driving me crazy.

Reminiscing about better times doesn't help much. Because better times were so long ago, those memories make me feel sadder somehow.

It first starts with dementia which a person is not able to remember or think clearly. Alzheimer's comes along it affects the functioning of the brain. I took care of my mother for 9 to 10 years at home it wasn't easy but I saw the changes. The only difference to me was that dementia with medicine the person was able to function better until the brain gives in to Alzheimer's n that's a whole new field. All I can say is that it is a sickness that the person don't understand. I was my mother caregiver n it hurt n I will also get mad😤! I did not know what I was dealing with. Once I read on it n spoke with doctors i understood it more. It hurt me to know that before time my mother will get worst. All I can say is to love her n do the best for her😍! My mother even though she had that awful disease she was good🤗!My name is Ana please feel free to leave a message. I will get back with u. May God Bless U!

It is called "Confabulation".

My story is rather long, but I will try to be as brief as possible. I had a situation with my 89 year old mother who came to live with me for 2 1/2 years. She relocated from her home state to stay with me at her doctor's request. She had allowed herself to become horribly thin, she weighed about 90 lbs, and had fallen a few times when she tried to live alone. She has broken both hips as a result of these falls and never ate properly. Anyway, I brought her home and made arrangements for new doctors and took her to all of her appointments. She also asked me to sell her home so she would not have to deal with that. She willing gave me power of attorney to take care of everything for her. As mom stayed with me, she started gaining weight and was 120 plus pounds the last time I saw her and her blood work had excellent results. Her doctors were glad to see how much she had improved. She was so much healthier. My biggest concern was her loneliness because I worked fulltime. So I decided to have caregivers come in to my home and help to care for my mom and to keep her company while I was at work. However, because of her own "reality" she was living in, she convinced the caregiver that I was mistreating her. The caregiver got my mother out into a retirement home to live by herself, which she wasn't supposed to do. Then the caregiver called adult protective services on me. My mother let me know in no uncertain terms that she did not want me around any more. She had a new friend in the caregiver. I have yet to see anyone from adult protective services, but I do miss my mother and pray for her. I have stayed away since that is what she wants. I had a friend who went to visit her and saw how badly her health has gone down. In fact, we found out that mom has quit taking any of her medications now. We just wonder if we will ever know when she finally passes. Part of the problem is my siblings don't trust her either now and don't want the hassle of going through what my mom put me through with her lies. Granted we know it's the disease, but we just don't want to be involved in her life any more. The caregiver has taken over. My point is these "lies" or whatever you want to call them can have a detrimental impact on the family and it's heart breaking to see the family split apart.

This was a very interesting and helpful thread......Thanx to all of you for posting...

All of these stories are so like my husband. I will add something that he does. My husband is 73. We can be watching a TV show and he some how inserts himself into the story. He also says he's met famous people that I know to be untrue. He once said he met Johnny Cash and that he played with him in his band. Not true of course. I have learned to just go along with his stories. He still lives at home with me but it's getting harder. I have to dress him, bathe him , do practically every thing for him. For now I am glad to have him home still. I know the day will come when I can't handle it any more. He also as one person mentioned says that I never told him about an appointment when clearly I did. I'm always trying to get him to brush his teeth and take a shower. He never wants to so he just says I already did that. When I say no you didn't he says are you calling me a liar? ? The situations go on and on. It's nice to have some where to vent.

Is your mom still with us? How did you finally manage her stories?

DDDuck,
I can sympathize with you. I didn't have a good relationship with my mother either. I always felt like I was in the way. Please don't misunderstand, I had everything I needed, (food, clothes, good education, money to spend) but I did not feel loving feelings from my mother. I know part of that is her upbringing in a very stern Sweedish family, (can't crack a smile or you'll break your face!) but the other part was that, to her, all women were "competition ". (She had "daddy" attention issues.) And since I'm an outgoing, self assured female, I'm sure she resented me. She would always be critical of my hair, weight, grades, etc., any way she could put me down. (I often wonder what my life would have been like if I'd been a boy!)
I was so used to this treatment, I honestly didn't recognize it until she developed Alzheimer's and started being NICE to me. (She has me confused with her sister, who I was named after.) Now she speaks to me so sweetly and compliments me on my hair and what I'm wearing. What a turn around!
She tells me she doesn't like her daughter (and I believe she never had and doesn't now) but she doesn't recognize that the "sister" she thinks she's talking to IS her daughter. I just play along.
Even though we weren't buddies, it sure would be nice to converse normally. Our discussions are;
1. "Someone put "itching powder" in my clothes."
I've had the nurse check for side effects of the medications she takes, I also changed bath soap and cream.
2. "How old am I?" "You're 94"......Fifteen seconds later, same question, and on and on.
Then we go back to Question 1 and repeat the process. Aaahhhh!
My husband usually falls asleep during our visits but occasionally will bring along fingernail polish so he can paint her nails to stay awake.

I wish I could see one good thing about this situation rather than focusing on her decline. (Like the fact that she uses diapers all the time now for tinkle issues. Also, her gait is getting more and more unsteady and she's been falling. It's like you're waiting for the roof to cave in. What's the next ability she'll loose?
Endurance through prayer has been helpful (I believe it was Paul talking about finishing the race set out for us.) I've got my tennies on but I'm stuck in the mud.
I guess I also mourn for a relationship that could have been, but wasn't. :(
Oh well, there's a reason for all of this. Darned if I know what it is.

SueC I started to reply to post yesterday. Its so sad to watch our loved one deteriorate in any sense. Realizing my sistuation with my mother is quite different to some members and similar to others, I can only share what my experience is and respect that of others.

Hateful accusations has been a way of life for me. I realize now that its the same as when I was a child. Just about everything. I think the reason for so much animosity and hatred directed towards me was the fact that somehow I saw through her sharade and saw her mental illness.
Up to today she could get an oscar for pretense. That is slowly breaking down. But now she will laugh when I say ma dont touch this sponge. My day in her kitchen is ducking things when I open a cabinet and looking for an item I bought or left somewhere. Nothing stays the same and its like asking who is on third to ask where she put anything. That really gets me because its been like this all my life. My mother does anything that her sick mind says right or wrong, there are no boundaries, and she been getting away with it all her life, no one corrects her. And then come miss little me seeing it all first hand helpless and still helpless.
I used to play deaf with her because I just got plain tired of her harrassement. Was real good too. she took me to the doc he say its nothing wrong with my hearing. Well I use that same defense mechnism today I am sorry to say. I just try not to act like I am not listening. I cant keep doing it to myself. I have this thing that I get engaged start to believe ask a question which is a no-no and then its on. Sometimes I think I have swtiched from tears to something else that I keep inside but I know it hurts.

So I can imagine the pain if you had a good relationship which included good real talks. I never had that, and sad to say never will. Sometimes I latch onto a shared laugh which may not be a united thought. Or I just keep trying to please her even though its neither her nor ther. Like tomarrow morning when I get off I plan to make us a nice breakfast. Now when I was leaving she was setting me up to throw away some glass that she broke and placed in a bag. The last time she did that the bag broke I didnt check it and had to sweep up broken glass. So I got a flash of that and just took the bag and forgot about plan to ask her about what she wanted for breakfast. Thats the way it is with us. I take what I can get , try and make the most of it, when I can take anymore I tuck in my tail and keep my distance as much as I can. Through side eye I see she eating. Try not to look at the other crazy I have to clean up later.
I love my lil monster, I just really dont like her sometimes, probably the majority of my life.
Like someone posted to me to just find the humor in the stories and the phanthoms and all. So sometimes I do when I can. I dont know but I feel like I am one of those monkeys Jesse talked about. WAit for ittttt.... you know you get used the hurt the shock the pain the drop in your heart.....
Let me add I cant listen to most of the stuff because its spoken in tones and undertones that were used to shame or wrap me in some sordid tale against her. I know the singsong, the tempo all of it. even the many ways she call my name. ughh. So sometimes I truly have to block her stories.....and I get trully baffeled when my sister or nephew try to look at me funny behind one of them. Which is why I find them dangerous in a family that is already torn apart .

I'd settle for any conversation, even fantastic stories would be better than silence.

I'm hungry for normal conversation, too. Lately any conversation starts out with one thing and ends up in a trip back to her childhood. I think it is because she remembers this best. I don't try to talk a lot to my mother because I have to yell. She's hard of hearing and the TV is always set to 70 here. It is stressful to me to be around her for too long. I remind myself of the mice being held on the electric grid and shocked -- you know those psychology clips they show. The mice scamper to avoid the shock, but after a while they are defeated and just sit and wait. Poor mice.

It feels like forever since I had a normal conversation with my mother. It's actually only been about 4 years since the disease took over and she lost the ability to remember and became confused. The stories she comes up with are real only to her. How frustrating it must be to have everyone tell you that what you remember is not how it was. You've got to hand it to them, they will ferociously stick to their version, as if their reputation was at stake.
I used to try to "set her straight" by forcing the point but realized, after exhausting myself (to no avail), that there is no straightening out dementia. The sad part is that she will never return to a normal conversation but only get worse.
It's good to become informed (like on this board) as to what to expect and how to handle it, also for the support that others give you.
Family members dealing with loved ones' memory issues have different ways to handle/react to the confusion and each has to find coping mechanisms. It's a learning process. How frustrating it is when the made up stories (sometimes very hateful accusations) are mentioned multiple times a day (or hour). It's truly a test of endurance for the family.

I want to forget our visits as soon as they're over because it's too painful to see that there's not much of her left. I'm depressed for hours afterward. There is no making sense of why this has to happen. I tell friends that I'm going to ask God, when I get to Heaven, why this took place. Maybe, once I'm there, the answer won't matter.

My mother first started showing symptoms about 5 or 6 years ago when she would forget the timing of past occurrences and confuse my sister and I when reminiscing. One day in a conversation a few years ago, we were talking and I mentioned my husband (who she absolutely loves!) and a quick mention of our wedding. She was flabbergasted and asked why I never told her we were married. At that time, she had known for 7 years, which is how long we had been married. She was so confused that day. Forgot when she moved into her house, asked whose house it was, and where she found the money to buy it. She also wanted to know who built onto the house. Her house was the same size as it was the day it was built. She thought her house was as big as a city block, even though it was only 1,300 sq. feet. This was just one afternoon. We took her to the doctor and he ordered an MRI. The MRI shows she has had several TIA's, which contributes to these delusions. Her eyes glaze over sometimes in the middle of a conversation and she is unable to continue. She will sometimes ask if we can repeat what we were talking about because she "wasn't paying attention". I have a log of stories. I sort of keep a diary because she seems to be decreasing the time between episodes. She remembers the false stories and never the true stories. I always say how funny it is that she can remember something she made up so easily. Well, it's her story and she's sticking to it.

Laralu at least your family check with each other about the stories. My sister and nephew believe every word, seem to thrive on the lies especialy if they are negative about me.

Another thing is that I still work my self up when she accuses me of stealing or taking something or blame me for some outrageous deed. That I am agruing with a demented person seems to go out the window sometimes and I take it personal.

My mother forgets details then adds her own embellisments. It's gotten so that family members check with each other to check the veracity of the story. We never know what's real and what's not. She forgets entire conversations but now she has developed a way to mask her forgetfulness: she says, oh yes, I remember but then changes the topic lest she have to discuss it in such a way that we would know she really doesn't remember, but we know anyway by the look in her eye. Probably the worst is her forgetting where things are which happens almost daily now but EVEN worse is her thinking she's misplaced or lost a non-existent item. She ALWAYS wears a certain gold chain with a heart. I mean daily. I have dozens of photos to prove it. Tonight when I called her she was upset and crying and had been looking for hours for the gold necklace that Daddy gave her that she wears every single day. I reminded her of the heart necklace that she always wears and she said she hadn't worn it for weeks and weeks. In an attempt to calm her not to be argumentative I looked at my phone and told her I had three photos of her taken on three different days in the last week and she had the heart necklace on. She got mad and said well just because she had it on in those photos doesn't prove anything and she knows for a fact that she had it on the day before when she had her treadmill and x-rays at the Dr's office because the nurse helped her take it off. She'll call tomorrow but she knows they are going to say they don't have it! (She also suspects everyone in the family of "pilfering" in her purse. I do feel bad for her especially when she's crying Daddy died two years ago and she's chronically depressed but refuses all meds). It's also very frustrating and annoying because she gets so mad so easily. Thanks for your stories...it helps to learn how others have dealt with the same issues.

My mother gets stuck in loops, too. One is that we need to get the foundation people out here to fix the floors. They're fine. We had the floors worked on 5 years ago. Her dementia and loss of feeling in her feet makes it feel like the floors are sinking when she walks. She kept calling the foundation people to adjust the floors until finally I had to hide the number from her. Now when she mentions it, I just ignore her. There is really no point in talking about it again, since she doesn't understand that the floors are not the problem.

Today I thought of another thing that bothers me -- when they don't remember something that happened. I can talk about something that happened in recent years and she won't remember it. I tell her that it did happen and she says I make things up. There's no point in arguing about it, so I let it drop. It is frustrating for a caregiver to care for someone who doesn't know anything is wrong. If they don't remember something, then the caregiver is making it up. It's usually silly stuff, but it can sure get on the nerves when it happens all the time.

My father is convinced he ordered a new truck and now the dealership has called (he has no phone) that it is ready to be picked up. Every time we go there he gets his jacket on and insists on going to get it. We went along with it at first but now I don't know what to tell him to get him out of this loop. Suggestions welcome

My mother had what I called Chinese menu memory IE something from colume 1, something from 2 & something from 3 - she once told me that my father was such a bastard that he didn't even go to his own brother's funeral so I said he did & so did she & I knew it because I did too & I was there - but had taken the memory of the funeral & mixed it up with several other ones

FYI - that's when I stopped driving her anywhere because beside injuring my shoulder I started to wonder what would happen if she turned & tried to take my hand off the steering wheel to try to make her point

Gravinj, what a tough spot! You can try SW at area agency on aging or any hospital you go to; lots of geriatric eval centers have good SW help and will see someone under 65 but not all. Safety issues while he is unsupervised may increase and that's one heck of a commute...any options to move closer or get into a long-term community with other options for future increased needs?

homecna, be careful and realize she might decide any minute to accuse you of things too. document well!

I have a spouse, and he is 59 with early on set dementia and am in desperate need of help. I have a 20 year old in college and a 14 year old at home. Therefore the income that we bring from his ssa is needed to support our household. I do not know where to turn or if there is any social workers out there to talk with me. I am only 50 and my commute to my job is almost three hours a day.

My mom does the same thing. She is 91 with dementia and Alzheimer and tells everyone I never feed her, when in fact I feed her very well and she eats well. She just doesn't remember. She tells people I'm not her daughter. Everyday is different. I just go along with her stories. I think people know and understand that your mom has dementia and if they aren't sure of something they can just ask you? Go tto close your eyes to a lot of things with this illness. It's painful.

It is hard to know what to do. We are taught to respect elders and told it is the sickness and not the person. Personally I think the smart ones are the ones who don't come around. The rest of us just have to let it slide. If she says something that hurts someone, let that person know that it is the disease and not anything that person did. If your mother is like mine, this stage should pass in a year or two.

I think what I fear the most is she has become so aggressive and mean, intolerant of people and will say whatever comes to mind without a filter. Unfortunately I do believe some of this is her personality. She's always had a very dominant, authoritative personality and she truly believes her opinion is the only opinion that matters, but before she could hold her tongue and had more tact. Now she's mean, manipulative and makes up stuff to feel I'm sure like she has some control or that maybe she can control us. Her stories hurt people and she doesn't see that there's anything wrong with what she says.

This must be very common because my mother used to tell stories. One in particular was about being assisted when they were traveling. Once she said it happened in Louisiana, once in Canada, once in Nevada. Etc. She really believed these stories. She had dementia.

bclah, my mother did this for a couple of years. She would rewrite history totally, always with herself as the good guy. She would say that other people had done bad things. After she said things they became fact to her and there was no way to convince her otherwise. I didn't bother to correct her unless I saw it could hurt someone. The rest of the time I just let it go. It was hard not to correct her, though, because it felt like my own reality was being twisted.

My mother has what is most likely vascular dementia with a touch of Alzheimer's setting in. The good thing is that stories that are made up will be forgotten over time. My mother's confabulations got less after a couple of years. She still talks about herself like she has bluebirds and butterflies fluttering all around her, but she quit saying bad things about others that weren't true. I don't know what causes the confabulations, but I understand what it is like to be around someone doing it.

Possibly time to re-evaluate; she may have become depressed, or she may be unable to cover up and compensate any more..this is sad and there may or may not be anything you can do if she really cannot recognize the things she is saying are not true and should not be said. But if she can, then some gentle "intolerance" and helping her realize the consequences of what she is saying might give her a chance of avoiding a lonely and bitter fate.

vstefans, thank you for commenting. I actually have seen the reports and I sat in on the final meeting with the neuropsychologist, as did my family. This was maybe a year and a half ago, we have actually been seeing odd behavior now for about 5 years, slowing progressing and just in the last few months it has become much worse. Maybe the stress of holidays? She has alienated several family members, no one wants to be around her. I actually had an aunt (her sister) who passed from vascular dementia. I actually find myself fighting with her, arguing because she already has a strong dominant personality, then to let her go around saying hateful things and things that are outright lies, I cannot allow that.

bclah4, do you actually have the reports from the neuropsych testing and MRI in hand? and how long ago was it? she is either mixing up nightmares with reality or has developed pure paranoia if this is not Lewy body or early vascular dementia! Unless maybe she is on some medication causing weird mental side effects...

I have been trying to find someone who may be dealing with the same issues as me. My mom is 76. Her short term memory "seems is good". She reads, does puzzles, has interests in politics, watches TV, etc. Although, she may read something or see something on TV and then when she tells people about it later, a lot of the facts are incorrect, then she argues that she's right and we literally have to prove things to her. Memories from the past, our family believes she makes them up because that's how she wants to remember them and they always make her out to be the victim. Her past memories are very dark, claims things that no one else in the family can verify. She makes up terrible lies about family members, causes drama and can be down right mean. She even threatened to "knock out" my 80 year old aunt if she came to xmas because "she's a liar and a thief" which is far from the truth and this just came out of nowhere one day. She just decided to think my aunt was a liar and she's been telling everyone that's she's a horrible person. Everyone, including people out in the public, can see how very inappropriate she can be, but then she has times where she is very lucid and kind . She has been tested for frontal lobe dementia and came out with flying colors. She has met with a neuropsychologist and did just fine. Had an MRI of the brain and no issues. She claims my brother in law stole 22,000 from her 15 years ago, my dad has no idea what she's talking about, but when he tells her she's mistaken, she threatens to kick him out of the house and then the stories just get more bizarre. I lose my temper with her and she just gets angry stating that I can stay dumb to everything if I want. Just NUTS!! Instead of aging gracefully, it seems that all her very worst traits are dominant. I am at wits end.