How many of you have quit your job to care for your parents and now regret that you did?

dkjellander - not all siblings are similar. I have a brother that lives out of state and he always comes to "cover" for me when I need to go out of town for something, even though my husband lives here too (but works full time, so can't care for Mom). The past 3 summers, Mom and I went up to Oregon, where my brother lives, and I dropped Mom off at my brother's house, and I went to stay with my daughter. We laugh, and I tell him I'm going "off duty". It's a nice break for me. He was down here for Thanksgiving, and will down again next month, when my husband and I will go over to LA for a couple of days. My brother tells me again and again how much he appreciates me doing this, and how guilty he feels for not being closer to do more. So not all siblings are bad. I'm grateful I have a good one.

Nextphase, I am not sure what kind of work you are looking for, but I am certainly willing to give you some HR advice. First, I am not sure what your resume looks like but I can give you tips on the resume. If you have an employment gap, then on your resume you need to put on there that you stayed home to take care of an ill or aging parent.

I am a firm believer in honesty is the best policy on a resume. There are many formats for a resume and many places to search. I am happy to help, but that is some that we would have to discuss out of this blog.

Are you looking to get work out of the house or work from home? There are many questions I have in order to give you advice.

But I do believe caring for an aging parent is worth it. A friend of mine cared for her mom for 2 years and she said even though her mom was very ill it was well worth it. She said she misses her mom everyday and wishes she could make more memories.

I have 3 siblings and I receive no help from them either. Once in a while 2 of them will give me money, but the thought process is because I make the most out of the 4 of us that I can pay for everything. Even when it comes to family get togethers, they do not help with my mom or take her out to eat or anything. In fact when we go out to eat, I am suppose to pay. So it doesn't matter whether you make the most or the least, siblings are more focused on their own lives than that of their parent until they are gone.

My mom tells me she is old and doesn't think she will live that much longer. I tell my siblings, I am dramatic or making it up. They still can't pick up the phone and call their mother except when the mood hits them, which is once a month or every 6 weeks if she gets lucky.

So when it comes to siblings they are all similar. But if you want help with your resume and job search let me know and I will give you an email to take the discussion to.

What I would have done differently is get it in writing that my siblings understood and agreed to what was going on. They did initially but with that understanding I should have clarified if they had questions to check in with me. I would have documented my hours of caregiving knowing what I know now. If I had done this they would have known that I actually saved the family considerable money and that I put in long hours of service. While your parents may be above board in their communication my mother, for the sake of getting attention, had secret conversations about the arrangement with my siblings. They were giving directions from a distance without knowing the real story and even though I got up early and worked until at least 8 pm every day attending to their needs she was telling siblings who lived a distance away that I didn't do a @*$Y thing all day. I was working my tail off in truth. My brother sent his daughter from out of state to "check up" on things and give me instructions on things I was already taking care of. At that point I said "they are all yours" and left for awhile. I'm still trying to recover financially and emotionally and explain the gap in my employment. In my case it definitely wasn't worth it but then I was the sole provider in my life and it hurt me to take this time off. My brother and sister went on with their careers while barking orders from a long distance and keeping the POA. If you take over the care make sure you have the POA, make sure every one is clear what you will and will not do, and document your hours in case there is every a question

I & my husband both quit our jobs & moved in with my Mother 10 yrs ago. We new in our hearts this was what we needed to do. We of course prayed about it but really there was no other option Mother didn't ask us to my bro didn't ask us to but God was telling us to. we had no friendly support so out the door we knew ok God you're all we need anyway & will give us new friends.Mother just moved to Heaven in Oct. & my husband & I are adjusting but never a day did we regret no we were thankful to be here with her to love her I am so glad I didn't work-was it hard of course it makes you trust God even more to help in every detail. I pray for you to have a knowing in your heart & peace then reveal your decision & don't be hurt by others who don't understand grace grace & more grace for you to do what you need to do.

Good luck hispagirl! Maybe after you get back into the workforce for awhile you will have the opportunity to do what you really want to do. Keep me posted on what happens. Hugs.

Eguillot, my heart goes out to you. I like you lost my job in 2010 and although I've had freelance work here and there, employers do ask for what happened in those long lapses without a job. Frankly, all you have to do is be honest. Tell them you lost your job and decided to stay home to care for your Mother. They can't blame you for wanting to do this. Although, I agree is harder for us "older folks" to get a job, I have to say that it's not impossible. I wanted to change careers and do something different now that my Mother has passed. But the places where I want to work won't even look at my resume with my background because is so different than the job I want. I do have a possibility in the same field though so I'm just going for it. Wish me luck.

I wish you luck and you are right I wouldn't change the moments I shared with my Mother for any job, ever. Hugs

I did the opposite. I went back to work so that my independently living elderly mother would not assume I could be available to her anytime she wanted something. My mother is financally stable enough to hire outside help if needed. She is still capable of driving, but would prefer being a passenger. She could even arrange to have free transportation to where she would like to go. She wouldn't consider those opportunities as long as I was available, so back to work for me and glad I did. My life is so much more rewarding now and my mother's is more miserable, she still prefers me. So she stays at home and waits until am available. I will not enable her to be codependent upon me. I am 58 years old and want to be able to enjoy my life as she did at that age. It bothers me, but I cannot be her key to happiness.

DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB!!!

I quit my job and moved 3,000 to caregive my mom. I hate that I did it, but I saw no other option.

I worked in a very small office, taking time off to fly out here all the time was very much a hardship on my coworkers and my boss. Because the office was so small, there was no FMLA option for me.

I'm also an only child, single with no kids (there's a REASON why I never had kids and now I've got the oldest possible "kid" - my mom), my mom refused any outside help, and I was tired of turning on my cell phone after my shift and having 4 or 5 messages from Home Health, the neighbors, Adult Protective Services, and other folks who were well-meaning but not necessarily understanding (neighbors come to mind).

Some things changed in my life, and I realized that I really had nothing holding me there anymore (other than the job, which I loved for the most part) and I made the decision that I was needed more here with my mom than there. It seemed like the "thing to do."

I know that, ultimately, I'll be thankful I did this for my mom. It's the day-in, day-out grind that I resent. I resent that my mom doesn't understand what I gave up. I resent a lot of things about the whole situation. But it's the "situation" as much as anything else - I just hate that I'm losing my mom inch by inch.

And, frankly, if she passed away tomorrow, I'd move back in a heartbeat and beg for my job back. That might change - I'm 7 months here now, still haven't met a lot of people, but I'm making progress on that - so, who knows, maybe I'll end up staying.

And...I have to say that finances were NOT an issue in any way. So that never even entered the equation.

Good luck...it's so hard.

Kitty, life is full of ups and downs and you are surely lucky to have landed back on your feet so many times. Like Denise said, at least you can live with yourself and know you did the right thing for you!
Purple sushi, I'm not sure how the government set it up, but if a spouse is collecting SS and their wife reaches the age of 62, they can collect off of their husbands amount. I believe the amount is 40% of his income from SS. This way the wife can then clooect off of her own when she reaches 66 or the age they need to be to collect the full amount. My husband, unfortunately had to start collecting 2 years early and his amount won't go up when he hits 66, but when I turn 66 I will be able to stop collecting on his and get my full amount form SS. I will probably get around $100/month less than if I collected on mine, but will get over twice that amount from mine at 62.
Lori, so sorry you have to do this alone! I have 6 sibs and all make much more $$ than I did and I'm the second oldest and have lived in the same 4 family house that my parents owned since I was born. When dad passed away at the early age of 54 31 years ago, I became the one that Mom depended on for everything because I was in the same house. The house has been in my name for 3 years now and it is really hard to keep up with repairs and bills. I have rent coming in, but it is family living here and I charge what they can afford. The house was built in 1883 and is 3 stories tall. Just heating this place is over $6000/year as we are in central Mass. and have cold winters.
I had many of the same problems with finding help and funds to pay me when I left work. There were some programs in this state, but the $$ dried up 3 years ago, so we are on our own here. I think we all get scared and bitter and wish had had kept our jobs, but sometimes we have no other options
Cautious, I admire you for being able to keep your job! It works for a lot of care givers.
Ree, Florida is awesome for having that program! Wish the federal government would realize how much $$ we save them by caring for our parents and see that we are barely surviving and losing what little we have left.
Cinder, Yes, being able to get out to a job, even for a few hours can help you keep your sanity
Nextphase, you are not alone! We all hear those stupid things that people who never did care giving like to say to us. Some make me smile and some really infuriate me! I too do not get out much or see many of my friends now, I do have a couple very good friends that have also been care givers in the past and they will call and drag me out once and a while and sit and just listen as I let it all out on them. I have many, many friends all over the world that I have met through this site in the 3 years that I have been posting. It's so wonderful to find so many to talk to that understand all that I am going through. I even spent a week out near Seattle a year and a half ago with a friend I met here. We talk on the phone a lot. This is a great place to come and get advice or just be able to vent when you are having a bad day! You will not find this kind of kinship anywhere else! Hang out and keep writing, someone will always be there for you !

I quit my job once to help out when mom got water on the brain; stayed for nine months until she stopped falling all the time and dad said he could handle the situation. Seven years later, and I'm back. Mom's dementia is far advanced and dad's health is failing fast. Last summer as I was preparing to quit my job and move across country to help again, I got fired for "being grouchy." Five months into the caregiving this time, I haven't found a job, and my savings are gone. But what can I do? Most of my siblings refuse to see how bad the situation is, or simply won't help. I don't want the folks to have to go into a facility.

My recommendation is to talk with your employer about telecommuting and the ability to work from home. Depending upon what you, many companies are taking advantage of this opportunity because it saves them money.

Talking with your supervisor and Human Resources about this possibility is a good idea. I know many companies that will take compassion and give the opportunity to work from home.

I need to make a living while caring for an aging parent, I work strictly from home. I work several part-time jobs, but I know many companies that now allow working from home and I strongly recommend you check it out with your employer.

I am in the same boat right now, to either quit my job, which you can do in this state to take care of an aging parent. My mom has dementia and the cost of home care while I am at work is no small cost even with help from local agencies. I still have to pay out of pocket for part of the cost of care for mom. Yet I can say that I am glad to have a job to go to just to get out of the house. So I guess it comes down to what one feels is needed to suit your situation.

You need to ask a tax attorney, you are allowed to be paid for being a caregiver. If your family asked you to take care of your parent, the siblings or family needs to understand that you should have some pay. They are not giving up there life's, if you could get some pay, again, ask your tax attorney, and continue to work part-time, that would allow you to give your parent more time with you, and give your family more time with you, without the burden.

I found that working full time and caring for my mother full time was too stressful. At work I could not focus on my job and was constantly worried about her being alone and not remembering to take her medication, etc. I am widowed and live with my mother in her home. It is still stressful and the stress is definitely caused by financial concerns and exhaustion. I am told by other caregivers who took care of their parent/parents were so glad they were able to be there for them after they passed. I was also told by a Godly person that I would never have to worry about being provided for as God honors children who honor their parents. And, I know I would feel guilt for the rest of my life if I were not able to do this for her. After all, she won't be here forever, and then I can worry about what I need to do to survive.

The first year after I quit my job to care for my paralyzed mom (from a stroke) and my dad I applied for every state assistance program available. I found one that pays me a monthly stipend of about $900 which has helped to make the transition from the full time income. I'm on year 5 now and it's a huge blessing. In Florida it's called the CDC Plus program and it pays for 10 hours respite a week per parent also which is a major mental health need!

This is a decision you have to make on your own. I quit my job 4 years ago to move my mom with me. There are some that say I will be blessed, others that say I need to live my life. Some days I cry and regret it, but then there are those days or times when I look at her and see in her face the confusion and sadness.
I used my mom ss and pension to care for both of us (rent,electric food etc), and was accused by my siblings of taking her money. I was fortunate to have a neighbor who assisted me when I found another job. My sibling did nothing to help me, so their accusations meant nothing to me! My mom has dementia, and to not share any memories she has left seems cruel. I know I will have to place her at some time when she gets to the point she cant use bathroom ,cant feed herself etc. I am now searching for another job( I was laid off the last)because I need health insurance also, and my neighbor will continue to sit with mom a few hours and I am going to also have an in home agency come out. I wont put her in adult day care because mom does not participate in anything, and paying an agency $600 a month was a waste.
Bottom line is our parents are the ones when we were young(some older) that no matter if we were disobedient, sick, in need or not, they were there! My mom cared and loved me no matter what and even when I was a grown married woman any hospital time I had, birth of children hysterectomies, when I woke up my mom was the first face I saw. I want to be sure my face will be the last she sees. I have been blessed caring for her.

When I took over guardinship for my parents I also filed for FMLA thinking it would protect me - wrong.Many companies try very hard to unload FMLA cases though it is against the law.I was lucky because I was moved to another project with some very understanding managers who went out of their way to accommodate my new situation.It didn't hurt too that I had our elderlaw attorney call early on and explain to the young managers the downside of abusing FMLA laws ! I could not afford to lose my job because my siblings walked away from any responsibility and I needed income to care for my folks,pay caregivers, and keep a roof over my head.This lasted over six years.Mom and dad are gone now and so is a large chunk of my retirement and all of their savings but at 60 I think I'll have enough years remaining to recover from the setback.Keeping the job was a good thing because the world has changed so much over the last decade that it would be impossible to find another good one at my age now.I'll never regret the path I took in regards to giving up some of my life so my parents could be protected.I sleep a lot better at night now.I wonder how my siblings are sleeping?

I took early retirement from my full time job at considerable financial disadvantage to me. I'm frankly still very bitter about that, but had no choice. My advice would be don't quit unless there is no other option. I'm single and an only child so it's all on me; not even unhelpful siblings to complain about. My bosses were starting to get cranky the last year or so when I had to rush away constantly because my mother had some dire emergency or other, which became more and more frequent. Two years later my own social life has dwindled down to nothing; my friends just stopped asking me do do things because I can never get away. My mother was always a drama queen, and dementia has turned her into a really, really annoying and completely self-centered diva extrordinaire; I think her goal in life is to outlive me, and she just may do it. I get more and more worn down both physically and mentally as time goes on. When people ask me how she's doing, I reply "jokingly" that she is just fine, but I, on the other hand, have lost my will to live. Except it's true, and not at all funny. I just roll my eyes when I read "get help." Yeah, right, and where is all this help, do tell. Too much money for Medicaid, but not enough to actually hire help. This is not making me a better person at all as some claim; I resent it enormously, and don't pretend otherwise. There is just no solution.

@Deefer12 - if your husband is already drawing SS, how do you plan to draw from his account also? I don't think it works that way...unless he is no longer living, and I am reading your post completely wrong.

Several times over the years I either put a semester of college or my career on hold or went on a long term leave of absence from my job to care for my mom. The last time I did quit my job to take care of my mom until her death. I remember when I made the decision to finally quit after months of taking FMLA, vacation, and reward time off. Her care was just too involved to do both and my health also was being affected. I knew that my needs were not met from my job. I know that sounds a little out there, but it was as if I had a boldness and belief that my and my family needs would be met. I knew I would be fine because this was my calling - I had known since I was 7 that I had elderly parents and that I would be taking care of them younger than most people - and though I felt sad to leave I did so with a internal reassurance that all things would work out and that some how a way would be made.
My husband was laid off a year after I left and the only job he found was in another city. It was quite scary at times, but we made it. A few weeks after my mom died, I was offered a position - a new one with better pay - at the place I had worked. Exactly 6 weeks after my mom died, I was back to work. I lost none of the time and seniority I had accrued before resigning because I had worked 23 months before leaving and had only been gone 22 months.

My husband and I still faced more lay offs, a surgery for him, and several other things since my mom has died, but somehow everything always worked out for us. I know not everyone has this same outcome and I certainly would never judge someone for not going the route I decided to go especially when jobs are so hard to find anyway. I guess I just went with what felt right to me to take care of my mom and 13 years later, I have never regretted my decision.

My Mom and husband & I had talked about combining households "when the time was right", and it had seemed to be closer and closer. Then, 3 years ago, I lost my job. That seemed to make it the the right time, although Mom didn't need full time care at that point. I decided that I would take 6 months to look at my options, and at the end of that 6 months, Mom was needing more and more care. Now she needs it full time, and every time I talk about going back to work, she tends to panic. There is also a loss of skills that comes will long term unemployment, as I discovered when I applied for a job that I was perfect for last month, and they had me test for. I failed miserably. There is also explaining to an employer the long lapse in unemployment. I am 56. I doubt, at this point, that I am employable. So if you are older and intend to take a long break to care for your parent, and then go back to work, consider whether you will be employable when you go back. My main concern at this point is whether I can get disability if I become disabled before I reach retirement age. Your disability quarters all have to be earned within a certain time frame, and mine are rapidly running down. I have fibromyalgia and other health issues, so this is a real concern for me. I love my Mom, and won't trade being with her, and would never put her in a nursing home, but just wish there was some way I could have kept working, at least part time, so those quarters wouldn't disappear.

I stopped working to care for my Mom while she was sick and now she's passed (12/27). I don't regret a minute of it. I would do it all over again if I had to. I a single Mom with a kid in college so I stopped helping him. Bur, remember one thing, no matter how hard financially things get, there's always help out there one way or another, but you only have one parent.

I did not choose to leave by work. But, three weeks before care was necessary for my mom, my position was eliminated. I've always been a believer in things happen for a reason. So, I came to live with my mom while her husband had major surgery followed by rehab. He ended up being gone for three months. Prior to this, me an my siblings had no idea the extent of my mom's Alzheimer's. Now we are a year and a half later and I am caring for both of them with no help from the siblings to speak of this year. This has become a tremendous stress on family relationships. I am second guessed and considered a liar or at the very least a tremendous exaggerator. My mother's care is demanding and constant. If I were not here, she would need to be in a secure unit; assisted living is not an option because she would be at risk of wandering.

I would not change the way things have happened, but assistance from my siblings on a regular basis would have been very helpful and appreciated. During my first nine months caring for my mom, I also completed my master's degree to upgrade and update skills with hopes of finding employment. However, in spite of looking I have not been able to find anything. My job is here, caring for my mom and her husband. Things happen for a reason.

I quite my job to find and manage home care for my parents at the same time, my husband was ill and a lot of stuff was going on, which was tearing me apart. I should have taken family medical leave. By quitting, I was 1 1/2 years away from being vested in my retirement program. I let my fears and emotions get in the way of thinking this through. I wish I had sought some advice around this. But in reality I still have to go visit across the state after 4 years of not working, for emergencies, doctor appts., just to visit, because they are lonely, . So who is going to hire me when I can't give 100% at a job. At least I am registered with a temp agency, so I can work when I don't have to be with them.

i retired a year early to care for my mom, and yes i regret it, but that was my decision and it is done now

ljdh0709 hit is perfectly. I'd like to add that not all of us are cut-out to be a caregiver.

Yes I quit my job three years ago due to mom calling me all the time at work or getting lost while driving due to AD plus my job wasn’t bending to allow me to take off to help her enough so I literally walked out due to the stress of it all and spent a week in bed due to the stress of it. Since, mom has got a lot worse and cannot care for herself at all and living with us since I quit but we our one income has even gone down due to economy so now we have lived off some of mom’s money as well and I feel guilty for doing that! So when you are already in THAT boat where do you go? I mean hindsight is always 20/20. I am exhausted and care giving is def taking its toll on my body, my mind and emotions ( FYI we have exhausted resources for outside help with being destitute which I am about ready to be there!) yet I know when she passes I will feel guilty then too so seems like an endless cycle and not enough support for caregivers

I took a leave of absence to care for my Dad... Everyone was VERY understanding and I will always be thankful I could do that for my Dad. He was a wonderful Father a really great Grandfather and I really miss him. I think I would encourage you to try to take a leave. Once your loved one goes they are gone and you do not get to go back! take care...

Listen to your body and mind. It is so very important that you find balance in your life. As much as I wanted to be able to take care of my mother who had COPD, I knew I would need an outlet, support from others, and some distractions. I loved my mom, but I knew if I quit my job to take care of her full time, I would lose my sense of self and focus only on her. Vacations or getaways are also a must to recharge your battery and clear your mind.
I was able to employ part time caregivers that were attentive, loving, and skilled. My family took turns on weekends. We would include mom in any family activities that she was able to attend due to her restrictions. Having personal time off ( PTO) allowed me to take off necessary time for her doctor visits. I felt very fortunate to have been able to take care of mom and take care of myself at the same time. I was able to curb the resentment that some people experience after giving up their time to be a full time caregiver. Mom knew she was loved. She was often demanding as she got older and displayed many attention seeking behaviors, but she was not neglected, and we made time for her. She was never alone, except when she wanted to be. I was with her at the very end, and held her in my arms as she passed away. I feel I did the right thing for both of us.