My Dad ask me could he move in a small apt next to my house that my husband and I own when he no longer could drive. He was 93 at this time and turned 94 in Nov. First off he did not like my tv service. He wanted boxing and old western channels. So I changed to direct tv which cost double but he did agree to pay half. He gives me 500 a month for his rent which includes elect and water. He ask me to provide his evening meals. I agreed. When we go grocery shopping I have to use his cart. He waits untill we get in the store and throws a fit if I try to get my own cart. He takes a bath about on average twice a month. Once he went 6 weeks. I tell him when we go somewhere to clean up and sometimes he does but usually not. Now his sister went into a nursing home and wants me to take him every week. He told his other sisters and brothers he would go see her every week. Its 35 minutes from here. I told him I was not taking him once a week and that my sisters need to come take him once in a while and he got mad and blew up and said the only reason why i moved over here is because you dont do anything. I have grandkids that i pick up once a week and transport two of them to there mothers for my son twice a month. I also work on this house we bought as it was in bad shape when we bought it and also do lots of art work. I have no life anymore. He controls me. I am a retired nurse but am getting to my witt ends with him. What do I do. I am getting depressed over this. This is not all that he does to me. And also may I add that have caught him playing with himself. He wont even lock his door.
Thank you so much
Karol
Your father is being extremely disrespectful to you. Since you are both adults, respect must go two ways. Stand up to your father in polite terms. You don't have to be rude. And when he is rude and ranting, say "You seem to be upset now. I will come back later," and leave the room.
He cannot control you without your permission. And this fear of being disrespectful is one of the tools he uses.
The oldest and youngest sister have figured out a way to protect themselves. I hope that you can figure out a way to live your own life and still help your father. If you can't, then maybe you should follow their example.
You are not responsible for what your ex does. No doubt you'd have liked him to pay child support! So his complaints about that are inappropriate on two counts! Not Your Fault, and he had a kid he didn't support.
So, you've had a very responsible career. You are a grandmother. You don't have to do what Daddy says anymore. Really. He bullied your mother. You are not your mother. You do not have to take that kind of treatment.
So, why are you letting him control you, bully you, or get under your skin?
It really amazes me that smart, strong, independent women put up with this crap leftover from their childhood.
Maybe some counselling could help you stand up for yourself.
You decide what you are going to do. Don't let your father tell you that you don't do anything. "Dad, I'm going to spend Monday visiting my kids. I won't be home until late. I'll cook extra on Sunday and you can have leftovers or microwave a frozen dinner." or "I'm going to be busy all weekend. The grandkids are coming over to make cookies. They are staying overnight and Sunday we're going to a movie." or even "I'm going to spend tomorrow shopping and visiting a museum. I'm having dinner with a friend. I'll be getting home late." You agreed to take him to appointments, cook one meal a day, take him grocery shopping and get his meds. That should not consume so much time that you don't have a life anymore. Seems like you've let a lot of extras creep in. Offer to help him find a cleaning person. You've decided you don't want to clean his apartment. Cut back on everything except what you agreed to originally.
Remind him that you aren't holding him to a lease. He is free to find somewhere else, and you will continue picking up his meds and taking him for groceries every two weeks. You love him, but he is not in charge of your life.
And for heavens sake, push your own dang grocery cart! How can he stop you? Throw a tantrum? Not Your Problem if he wants to make a scene while you walk off and go about your business.
He can avoid bathing if he wants to, but you can refuse to take him out if he smells bad.
You really have to either set some boundaries and stick up for yourself, or insist that Dad moves, or both. If you don't you can expect to be depressed and resentful for another few years.
When he starts treating you badly, just let him know you will come back when he is in a better mood. A few times of that and he will get the message.
As far as meals, you are not running a short order kitchen. He can eat what he likes and leave the rest. Good manners mean you don't complain about a meal someone else prepared for you.
Call senior services or an inhome healthcare provider in your area for an evaluation as to what services your Father might be eligible for; someone to help him bath a couple of times a week, housekeeping and cooking. This should all be covered by Medicare. Whether he likes it or not, Dad needs assistance in his life.
Your plate is full and you should be enjoying your retirement....not running two households and being treated in this fashion. Only you can change what is happening.
I wish you well!
Your life is just as important as any of your sisters' lives. It is not true, of course, that "you don't do anything." I think I would consider that a battle worth fighting -- I would require personal respect. I would also point out that he was free to move, and there was no binding lease he couldn't get out of.
He cannot control you unless you let him. If you are a retired nurse and he is 94 you are definitely an adult and do not need to "obey" him even if he is your father. Act your age. :-)
I might consider the bathing issue another battle worth fighting, depending on whether he does a reasonably good job of getting clean between baths.
Let the little stuff go. He's old. He's entitled to be a little crotchety. Insist on respect. Know that he can't control you without your cooperation.