Christmas in the Dumpster...

Does it really matter what day you have the family over? You Said they are supposed to come on the 30th so let them. On Christmas Eve and Christmas day, do something nice for yourself. How about a bubble bath or a day watching Hallmark movies? Take the extra money and have some Chinese food delivered. Just relax.

I believe you were putting to much emphasis on one day. If you haven’t had them over in two years you can’t expect them to change what is now maybe for them a new tradition. Work something out for next year and start your own new traditions

Yes, it truly sucks. I'm sorry.

And you don't have to send them gifts - that's like rewarding them for screwing up.

I can't say I understand, but I am sorry for your pain. Would it be possible to reschedule your party for a day when everyone is available? I realize it's not quite the same, but it can still be very enjoyable. Adapt and overcome!

Ahmijoy, our extended family holiday get togethers started dying when the grandchildren married women from homes broken in childhood by divorce. Those women had a tradition of spending time with Mom and Dad separately on or around holidays, so now we had to find a spot around 3 in-law gatherings in the child generation and at least 4 in the grandchild generation. Then a grandchild got divorced and now we had custody arrangements involved too.

At the child generation, the married couples would alternate spending the holiday with one family or the other or we found a compromise schedule. The only time we ever had to change an agreed upon date/time was when my SIL had a out of town relatives that had to change their holiday schedule due to work; SIL asked that we move our time from evening to mid-day so she could attend both family celebrations and we did.

To accommodate the grandchildren I prepared breakfast for several years and we ate and opened presents together on Dec 24 morning. A family meal was prepared on Dec 25 midday and those without other commitments could attend or drop by later for left overs. When things got too complicated, I moved the celebration to the Sunday after Thanksgiving and/or between Christmas and New Years. Eventually estrangement over the care for our elderly parents ended the complete extended family gathering - now we only all get together at funerals.

I understand your feelings, but I'm not sure "disrespect" is intended or even considered much in the current generation of adults raising children. There's a bit of an issue with "commitment" in the grandchildren generation(35-40 in our family); "I will be there" means maybe and the phrase "I already have plans" doesn't seem to be in their vocabulary. I see this issue in their own lives and not just in interactions with the older generations. Their children "hope" their parents will show up for school functions they have promised to attend too. When I showed up at a school function one of the great-grandchildren told me "I knew I could count on you to really be here!" I just think it is so sad that the kids don't have confidence that their parents care enough about what's important in the child's life to be around.

Now I prepare a meal at midday on the holiday and the family that want to can attend; I invite others - neighbors and really "extended" family to join us. Most of the non-attendees will show up for a visit later that day or within a day or two and go through the leftovers for their favorite dishes. The great-grandkids will often want to be "dropped off" the day or so following the holiday to play with their cousins or avail themselves of their great-aunt's "taxi" service to movies or skating rinks (now that the older kids have phones, they talk to each other and "plan" when to come). One in-law has asked me not to have a holiday meal because it creates problems when her children want to join my celebration instead of attending her mother's gathering; since this in-law insists that EVERY holiday must be spent with her family exclusively, I don't have much sympathy for her.

I understand your pain. I've been there and in some ways I'm still there. I still wish for that full extended family gathering but I realize it will never be again. But I have adapted. I will have a joyful day with family and friends. The grandkid generation makes more of an effort to attend my gathering now that I don't try to accommodate their schedules - almost as if they are afraid their "places" are being taken by others and they are missing something.

There is a time and a season for everything under the sun. The time of multi-generation gatherings with my parents' descendants has passed. This is a new time and a new season. For the most part, I embrace the good memories of the past but focus on the now. I try to release myself from the expectations of the past and grab whatever opportunities the now brings. It helps me cope.

As my kiddos grow up and fly, I don't expect them to come home for Christmas but to put their new core family at the front and center of their lives. Once they are married and out of the house, I am happy to see them whenever they can come. I've been blessed to have them all last Thanksgiving, but that is not always the case. Christmas? Not a chance to have them all here - I only have the unmarried ones. There are 365 days a year, and I'd like to see each adult child at least once during that time. I will be the happiest person on earth for those hours I do get to see them. If they are busy on a day I suggest, I might say, since it's such a busy day for you, how about we get together some other time. 365 days of opportunities await!

Ahmijoy,

I've gone through what you described more than once, so I know how it feels. You happily invest the time and $ to host Christmas, pulling out all the stops to make it festive, and they ditch you at the last minute. ("Johnny is sick." "The drive is too far.") Whatever. I divorced my childrens' father 16 years ago and they (the kids) always go to his house for Xmas because I live 4 hours away from them and their dad has way more money to spend than I do. I've gone through the "prepare for Christmas and they don't show up" scenario multiple multiple times. Yes, it's rude. Yes, it hurts.

I finally reconciled it this way: I am all too happy to host any holiday. If kids and their families want to spend Christmas with me they are welcome with open arms. If not; fine. I don't want to be a doormat for anybody. I don't want them to come if they don't want to be here. It's a lot of work (not to mention $) just to be patronized.

Over the years I sorta got "zen" about this topic. My son came this year; his idea, and we're having a great time. I realize this may not be the case next year, or the year after. It's all good. It's okay. Life's too short to grieve over it. If DH and I find ourselves celebrating Christmas by ourselves (which is most years), we've adapted to our own personalized rituals and "new" traditions." Calmer. Quieter. More reflective on the Reason for the Season. Less expense and less stress. I've grown to be fond of it. But flexible enough to adapt if they do elect to come.

Ahmijoy, hopefully you can make peace with it. Maybe there's someone in your life who isn't family; maybe someone single, widowed or divorced who finds themselves with no one to be with for Christmas. Get together with that person/family and switch off every other year to host Christmas. Or always host yourself. Personalize your Christmas celebrations. Make Christmas work for You! Downscale, if needs be. In the same vein, family is whomever you make your family. They don't have to be blood relations. It's not to late to have a blessed Christmas. (((hugs))))

So I’m going to say something that nobody else has, from my point of view as a daughter. I think you have to step back and take a look at yourself, Ahmijoy. What was life like for the kids when they were growing up?? My parents were not the best people, and we all left home as soon as we could. NOW they want the “family” together. NOW then want us all to come visit for holidays. It’s too late. We all have our lives and other family members, and why sacrifice for a day of complaints, loud tv, ignoring us, and giving totally useless cheap “gifts”? When you said “don’t bother” to your son, I see something else going on here. I suggest you do XMAS with your husband, and be grateful for what you do have.

For two years after my husband divorced me (he had an affair and thought she would divorce her husband) I continued to have Christmas for the whole family - our kids and spouses, his parents and siblings and their kids. I always did Christmas up big, danced faster than anyone trying to make everyone happy. After all it is MERRY Christmas, right? After those first couple years I got my head screwed on straight and said I come first and instead of pursuing a "HAPPY" Christmas I want a Peaceful, Calm Christmas. So the kids(who are adults) and I did our own thing. Years passed and things changed again, my daughter no longer speaks to anyone in the family, my son is divorced and my mother is 94 and unable to leave her condo. So once again I adjusted my priorities. Mom comes first and everyone knows that. After that I will visit whomever would like to see me (easier than having to entertain at my home). I guess in a long way what I am saying is - life is not static, things always are changing and we need to change with them. If we don't that is where we get sad and depressed because reality is telling us that our expectations are at odds with what is actually going on. Make a nice little celebration with what you have, don't give your son a hard time and just enjoy everyones company.

I'm sorry it's not turning out the way you had hoped :-((

In the last 6 months I've learned a lot about my own family. My mom was always the stronger force of my parents and as she's started to slip away due to dementia the typical family niceties have fallen away. Mom and Dad celebrated their 60th Anniversary on Aug 15 and my twin brothers had a birthday on Aug 14. While we all stepped up, sent cards and gifts to mark the Anniversary the boys didn't receive so much as a birthday phone call because it didn't occur to Dad that he needed to step up.

Fast forward to Mom's birthday in October (both parents entered LTC in Sept) and the bros, my SIL and nephew and his wife arrived with a card for Mom. She was heartbroken. What she and my dad didn't realize was that as soon as none of the grandchildren nor my brothers birthday's were recognized, the bros thought that this was the new normal.

In an effort to make up for this I made a point of making sure both parents received small Santa gifts through Dec. Of course, when Dec 7 came and went and neither of my parents wished me happy birthday even though I spoke to both of them that day, I felt wounded. Christmas will be the same as always. I'll be 500 miles away, the bros will visit my parents at some point after Christmas Day and both of them will make their own plans to celebrate with their individual families

My point is this, unfortunately I keep witnessing the demise of family traditions as soon as matriarchs stop communicating what the plans are. Now that my Mom is no longer spear-heading things, our family gatherings have ceased to exist. Likewise, with my in-laws. My MIL and her siblings always planned gatherings and none of us were able to deviate from their plan (and that included bringing food or a venue change) As a result, now that the 3 siblings are feeling too tired to host, holiday functions are over. I think it's so important to be inclusive and know when to pass the baton regarding celebrations. And it's never too early in the year to mention to loved ones that next year family gatherings need to be resumed.

Without knowing the personalities involved I'm going to suggest that no one was trying hurt your feeling. Unfortunately they've had to fend for themselves through Christmas in the last 2 years and as a result mutual family goals need to be re-established.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas.

Another possible option is to plan a holiday get-together with other friends experiencing a similar void. Decorate, cook, and have a WHITE ELEPHANT gift exchange (recycle something you never used/liked.) Pick a day that works -not necessarily the 24th/25th. I also love going to the movies on Xmas day. This year VICE opens on the 25th. Fun is what we give ourselves...so make it happen!

I would say let’s remember the reason for the season. It’s Jesus birthday. Can we celebrate Jesus and forget about ourselves and our egos for a while. I can be happy just sitting around with my husband and my mother who has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know what day it it. Remember it is not always about us or so I am told often by my children. I got a divorce after 47 years from the my children’s father. I have not had 1 holiday with them since. They go to their father for every single holiday even Mother’s Day. I have come to except that I won’t see many of them. A few grands and 1 daughter and son in law. It is what it is. I do have steps who come for dinner or we are invited there. I am trying very hard to just go with the flow. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

I like your idea peter. Ive long watched traffic at airports and wonder why people cant have their own special holiday get-togethers ... unless they want an excuse for not seeing each other ???

So sorry for your disappointment, and others who are struggling with holidays, plans, struggles.
Since I left my first husband almost twenty years ago, and live with a second spouse,in a different state, holidays are no longer the same. I had one Christmas, where I flew one son and a granddaughter to visit. Like you, money is very tight for us. Two elderly, sick people. But I tell myself, money is tight for my sons as well, and it isn’t cheap to fly families. In the US, vacation days are like wages for many, crumbs. I do not want to take away from those precious few vacation days, to ask them do spend 2-4 of those vacation days driving to see me.
Tomorrow I pick up the pre-made Christmas feast from a local market. Way too much food for two, so I will pick the bird clean and freeze a few meals for two later, in my very small freezer. Not much space, as I make my own dog food due to the high cost of her prescription food. I decorated a small artificial tree, putting on my prettiest glass ornaments, right before Thanksgiving, due to my spouse having urgent lung cancer surgery, plus many complications, weeks running back and forth to hospital. He is home now, but I’m so glad I did put up a tree, wreath on the door, and will heat up a delicious feast. Today’s forty-something generation, as a rule, seem to mostly ignore their aging parents. Many friends say the same thing. Their kids, our Grands, aren’t being taught by example, to visit and help grandparents as needed, out of love and respect. When their own children become adults, sadly, many of our own offspring are going to get the same treatment we are receiving. It’s sad, but, we couldn’t possibly have been an entire generation of poor parents.
So, let’s just salvage what we can. And may I suggest creating one new memory or activity each year that does not include our offspring? If it’s something that is repeated yearly, all the better. Takes a little bit of the offspring’s sting away.

We are not entitled to anything. The more we send such messages of entitlement to our kids, the more we push them away. We raise our kids to be responsible adults and then we don't offer grace when their work requires them to work late? We encourage them to be independent and marry a nice person and then we send messages about how hurt we are when they spend holiday time with in-laws? Have we forgotten that we place our children in impossible situations? They can not be in two places at the same time. Do we really want our kids to be with us because we put a guilt trip on them? Telling kids who are trying to balance their own lives, "Don't bother" - I'm grateful to read this because it reminds me about my own selfish and childish behavior toward my own children - I'm reminding myself to behave like a mature, secure, gracious adult. Let's dig deep within ourselves and find some grace and share it with each other people who are able to with us. Then our children and grandchildren will (maybe) some day want to spend time with us. It may take some time for them to gradually realize that I'm no longer that sour, childish, "entitled" person I used to be. Until then, let's not be tortured souls. Nobody wants to be around a tortured soul.

Here's what I do. First, I recognize that the children are now adults and have families and extended families of their own and that's their first priority. Like it or not, I and my wife come second. BTW, I too have pain over often not being included in their plans. So what I and my disabled/dementia wife do is hold a post-Christmas party at our house. We announce its date about 6 weeks beforehand and ask everyone to bring a dessert or appetizer and gifts just for grandkids. We provide the main meal (usually turkey and all the trimmings).  And we ask for an RSVP so we know how many to plan for. Usually someone helps with the housecleaning. I do the cooking. Some come and some don't. For those that do, we always have a good time. The rest just lose out. Their loss. This is what works for us.

Take lemons and make lemonade. Yeah disappointed when our plans don't manifest the way we expected. Take it and make the best of it. On Christmas Day, light some candles, make a pot of soup or chili, maybe take a walk with hubby, play cards, scrabble or do a puzzle together or watch a good movie on the couch with some popcorn. Create your own tradition and enjoy. We never know which day is to our last or our husband's last...don’t waste it on a can of soup and a pity party. You are worth more than that. Hugs to you Ahmijoy!!

You are allowed to tell your son that no, this last minute adjustment is not fair to you. The daughter can come at 5, because v she can't control her work schedule. What if it's more of an open house rather than a sit down dinner?
You can meet them halfway but still be firm in your wishes and in plans that had already been arranged. Last minute changes not accepted!

I am so very sorry what you planned didn’t work out. Still make Christmas special for you and your husband you won’t regret it. My husband and I were always alone, our children and family totally abandoned us when he got ill. He died December 9th. The holidays and birthdays with just the two of us are a special memory now. If he wasn’t in pain I’d get in bed with him and we’d open gifts, I’d buy a gift for myself from him. Nothing expensive just a little something to open. Or we would look at pictures and remember when or watch games shows.
May God bless your time together.

To heck with your kids--fix you and your husband a nice dinner and do something enjoyable. You don't have to eat canned soup and be miserable.

Ahmijoy, you most definitely deserve happiness! I hope somehow that some of this misunderstanding/misbehavior gets sorted out in the next few days.

I am so sorry to hear this news. Sometimes it seems the nicer you are to children the worse you might be treated. I had a dose of that today. It was solved to a degree but there is an underlying hurt and a feeling I have that what I have sacrificed is not really understood. It's a complicated situation but my sadness mirrors some of your pain. I hope you have some joy from some direction. I have followed your story for some months and feel your pain. You deserve happiness.

I feel like it's in the dumpster too.. and it's because of mom. I am normally polly perkey,, but not this year. Mom is on a pissy party, I am already depressed , and hubs lost his mom 6 weeks or so ago. I am doing my best to plan a happy Christmas for mom, my family and hub's dad and cousin.. and mom is going off the rails. I get she is depressed ( lost my dad 3 years ago, had to move in with us ) but her behavior is not helping. Her memory is going,, she can showtime very well so that makes it harder for me as I look like the bad guy. ( all my relatives think she is fine) Currently she is not talking to my hubs because he washed a load of sheets that our puppy got sick on. He told her he was washing a quick load and she got mad he didn't do her stuff too.. he is still boggled she would want her undies with the dog vomit! She and I went to a small ladies Christmas party last week.. she wanted to go smoke several times.. first two times she tried to open the closet door.. the front door has a dead bolt.. and she can't walk for crap. Our housekeeper lives where the party was,, said she;d go out with her. She yells "I'll run if anyone tries to go with me" That was a conversation stopper for sure. All my teenage years Mom would not speak to me if she was mad at me.. this is bringing all that back. Hubs is upset,, I have told him to "let it roll of his back" but it's hard. I have tried to get her "side of the story" today.. but "Nothing is wrong".. no Mom,, your just being awful!

I’m sorry for your hurt and disappointment Ahmijoy, I truly am. My adult children are in their early twenties and so far not married and all come home for Christmas. But many times I feel like a piece of the furniture, mostly unnoticed. I guess it’s natural but they truly seem to not know I’m a person with interests, dreams, and ambitions just like they are. Anyway, I’m glad you’ve decided to salvage the plans as best you can. I’ve watched my MIL (who’s very uninvolved in our lives) cry and make a scene over “wanting everyone together” and seen the reactions of everyone, practical groans and eye rolls, so I’ve quietly vowed to never be that person. I’ll take the lumps quietly and enjoy the times I can as you’re doing. I hope you’re holiday is blessed and fun despite the trials of life

Like I said, I have always been the understanding one, hurt, but understood. I am not confrontational. And because I am like this, when I finally speak up its considered whining. Might be this way with A too.

Take what you can get? I guess, but aren't we as parents entitled to expect a little more from our kids. Why should we have to settle. As kids have a sick father. A took care of a grand while caring for her DH and the daughter got bent out of shape because Mom said she can't babysit anymore? Something is wrong here.

My GF is Mormon. Mormans are big on family. My GF has 4 daughter's from 32 to 44. Not one of these girls would treat their parent or each other this way. When they are on vacation, there are daily calls asking how the vacation is going. I actually thought it gets a little much because my GF will take a call when we get together. But maybe thats better than not hearing from them at all.

I believe what goes around comes around.

Cwillie and Tothill, I thank you for your responses. Tot, there is actually more at play here with my daughter than just my being unreasonable and self-centered. Daughter has been casting me aside for a year or more, actually since I stopped free-babysitting for her. Last Mother’s Day, I didn’t even receive a lousy text from her. She’s made promises to go places and do things with me, and has cancelled every one. I feel there is a total lack of concern and respect on her part. So, yes, there is a backstory.

C, I found your advice the most comforting. I have texted my daughter and told her, for the boys, I am going ahead with my plans. I will pick #1 grandson up Saturday morning as I had planned and we will prepare for the Eve. Whatever time my daughter gets here is fine, I guess. She HAS to work as they are in more dire financial straits than we are. Thank you for validating what I’ve done. Whatever my son decides to do is up to him. I’m not paying for his gas, after all. But, I still think it stinks that he’s thrown us over.

Thanks again. I knew I could count on you all. Merry Christmas.

I empathize with that instinct to just toss it all as a bad deal but I'm in the camp that says try to salvage what you can - chunky soup for christmas is just wallowing in self pity and bitterness. Speaking from personal experience - even the crumbs are better than nothing at all.

Ahmijoy, sorry you’re feeling crappy about your plans falling apart. We too are waiting on the stepdaughter/grandkids “royal summons to appear” at their house when it fits into their schedule to bestow their gifts on them. Funny, our friends party this Saturday, our nephews party Christmas Eve, SIL party Thursday, were all invited and planned in advance, with timing having to work around arrival of out of town guests etc. All good. But noncommittal from the local people who we want to see the most is pretty painful, especially for DH (their dad/grandpa) who would move heaven and earth for them. Even he commented that Christmas sucks this year. I’m not feeling it either with mom in the NH but I’m trying to stay in the spirit for him and not be too humbug.

I would suggest taking your daughter up on her suggestion for her to arrive late...who knows, maybe she won’t end up as late as feared. Is there anyway that your son can visit Christmas Day or that evening? The following day? I know it’s disappoining, but can you try not to put as much emphasis onto the specific timing of their visits, and maybe concentrate on a visit when it won’t be rushed? Can you salvage any of your plans, even if it’s not what/when you envisioned? Tothill had some good suggestions. My gran would caution me not to cut my nose off to spite my face, as I sometimes would. I hope it works out for you and you still can have some pleasant times with your family.

I understand your frustration. I suggest taking that extra money and spending it on you - get your hair done, a manicure & pedicure, a spa day or something that makes you happy. I would also not be afraid to tell your son and daughter how you feel. They can’t read your mind.

I can understand your being disappointed, but it is not your daughters fault that she has to work on Christmas Eve. She has said she will get there asap and is sending her hubby and kids in the afternoon.

Your son is trying to balance the needs of two families and offered to make a long trip to see you, but you told him not to bother? What if he does not visit on your terms he is not welcome in your home?

You could make this work if you really wanted to, but it sounds like you are not willing to work with your family to do so.

The children could open their gifts when everyone arrived in the afternoon. Yes, your daughter would miss out on the gift opening, but I am sure she would understand that it is for the kids. Your son could leave after for the visit with his in laws and you could have dinner on the table for 6 when your daughter is able to get off work. This may not be what you originally planned on, but it would work and you would see your children and grandchildren.

I understand Amijoy. My family has always been overly concerned with appearances. The physical ones. I think that at some point I realized that being overly worried about how I looked and what everyone in the family was going to think about how I looked was uppermost in my mind so much that I never could enjoy the day. How sad is that. Everything is so surface. Not very warm, not very giving..........just not great!

I'm 57 years old. The youngest sibling is now 54. We ain't getting better looking. More like the opposite. I used to suggest, (jokingly) that we should all show up in our jammies one year. It would be fun and so much more real.

So this year is still up in the air for me. I've told sis, who always hosts Christmas, she'll know at the last minute this year if I'm going. I guess if I'm having a bad hair day it'll definitely be no. LOL

At some point I have to decide for myself what is this really all about and do I want to support something that has never been fun for me.