Sorry for the rhetorical question, but I truly need to vent!
I call my mother twice a day, every day. (I know!! Please no criticism! I'm trying my best to be comforting during quarantine!)
This morning as usual, my Mom was complaining about everything.
I suggested she get in her scooter and take a spin around her building.
Somehow she twisted that into a lecture! I explained it was a suggestion and it might do her good to get out of her room. She hung up on me.
I bit the bullet and called her this evening.
I told her we needed to talk. I tried to explain my frustration that she isn't willing to do anything to help herself. I brought up the fact that she is unwilling to take antidepressants or seek counseling. I told her that while I try to listen to every complaint, I am only human and have a lot of my own issues that I am dealing with. I told her that I am not her therapist. I am her daughter!!
I told her that I don't know what to talk to her about, because how are you, meals, weather, what are you up to, the facility are all off limits.
Her response was that I am "b**chy" and "then don't call me "!
While I understand that the quarantine has been so hard on her, I can't wrap my head around how a Mother could be so cruel to her daughter that has been dealing with cancer and had major spine surgery 2 weeks ago. Which is just the tip of the iceberg.
I doubt it will sink in that right now she needs me more than I need her, but I will not call her!
The old adage "You can't help someone that won't help themselves " is totally true!
It breaks my heart to feel it will be a relief when she passes.
Before you judge me for my statement, she has been miserable for as long as I can remember. And despite my best efforts, I have never been able to make her happy or contented!
I am human and I am over it!
God bless all of us that are giving all, and getting garbage in return!!
Our rewards will come later!!
A freaking parrot. For a demented elder to take care of aka for YOU to take care of. What a joke. And what a filthy mess and a RACKET! Thank GOD the management said no! What makes you so sure your siblings think it's such a great idea? Bc your mother said so? Two things NMs love to do....break the rules by defying authority and LIE LIKE RUGS! 😅
My cousin in New Jersey had a cockatoo.
They cost a lot of money and live a very long time! Like any pet, they require and deserve attention.
When my cousin and his wife divorced, he got the bird. LOL, 🤣 that didn’t come out right but you know what I mean. He got custody of his bird!
My cousin moved into an apartment that didn’t allow pets so he moved the bird into my uncle’s basement.
Mind you, my uncle was elderly and nearly deaf!
My uncle was in a busy area in the city so there were always sirens sounding off from police cars, fire trucks and ambulances that the bird would mimic!
Three of my cousins looked after my uncle.
My other cousin, one of my uncle’s daughters went to check in on her dad and did not know that her brother had dropped off his bird at their dad’s house to live.
She kept hearing sirens. She freaked out!
Then she heard the bird making a telephone ringing sound.
She told her dad to answer his phone.
Well, he doesn’t hear his phone. He’s just about deaf! He had it set on vibrate. It wasn’t vibrating so he tells his daughter, “Honey, my phone isn’t ringing. The sounds must be coming from your brother’s bird in the basement!”
So my cousin went down to her dad’s basement and the bird was being very vocal! He also got bored. He tore up my uncle’s basement, the window sills, etc.
When my uncle’s Parkinson’s disease became progressively worse he had to go into a nursing home.
My cousin had to sell his bird. He wasn’t allowed to keep him in his apartment.
My uncle couldn’t move him into the nursing home!
You are right. Birds are a lot of work. All animals are. They are a responsibility and if we can’t care for them it isn’t fair to the animal to acquire one.
I personally hope that your mom will not get a bird. Do you think she would do well with a dog or cat? Cats are fairly independent.
Honestly, it sounds like your mom is strong willed. It’s exhausting!
I used to try and stop everything or should I say prevent everything that I felt like I should regarding mom’s behavior.
My husband, on the other hand did not react the way I did.
He used to tell me that it wasn’t my problem. I often said to him, “Don’t you see that I am trying to prevent this or that?”
He would say to me, “I see my wife driving herself crazy. Your mom is going to get upset no matter what you say or do, so stay out of it. Let her figure it out.”
It took me awhile before I could comprehend what he was saying.
My mom had grown accustomed to my fussing over every little thing. I didn’t realize that I was overly involved. Maybe mom didn’t realize it either. I guess I kind of filled the void of my deceased father.
My behavior became irrational because it went against the grain of who I am.
I didn’t raise my children this way. I taught them that they were responsible for their behavior.
It’s really interesting how caregiving can totally change the dynamics of a family. In my case, not for the better!
I say this often, but I think it bears repeating. If your loved one insists on their "independence", doing almost ANYTHING for them supports that charade.
Just be unavailable.
Write yourself a note on your fridge and on the door you use to exit your home. UNAVAILABLE in large, friendly letters.
I'm not responding anymore. Nope, done. I will not be lifting a finger to help her get a bird, and if she does manage to bring one in here she will be the one to deal with the fall out.
My mom's willingness to break the rules is disturbing.
Geeeeeeeez!
Your mother calls or emails you with something she is going to do.
You react with "no, you can't/shouldn't do that". (Reasonable if you were "in charge" of her. But you're not).
How about taking a page out of siblings' book: neutral responses. She bears the consequences of her actions and other folks start to notice that she is failing.
YOU do not care for the bird. "Sorry mom, the bird is YOUR responsiblity".
It might be worth a try.
I understand. You know best as to how to deal with your siblings.
I have issues with my siblings too. It’s a shame but we can’t control or change their actions.
I am all for helping someone out but I definitely don’t want to be my siblings teacher or mother! If they don’t know how to act by now, they never will!
I have done the same as you. I prefer not to have contact with them. I speak to my mom directly also.
If we had a ‘normal’ relationship with our siblings then there could be healthy communication.
Not a chance of that in my family!
My siblings wanted to remain mom’s favorite sons so they NEVER hesitated to kick me to the curb!
My mom responded to my text. She was angry that I "got involved" and asked the property manager if birds were allowed. She said she figured that was a rule and if she got caught she would deal with it. So she was planning to sneak a bird in. Figures.
I told her she can't live here and have a bird. End of story. Look for a dog if she wants a pet. Left it at that. This drama is so draining.
Or is that what MOM is telling you they told her?
The truth might lie somewhere in between.
I suggest you email your siblings in a neutral tone and ask what they actually said to mom.
"Yes, getting a pet is a great idea, Mom. Maybe you should talk to EP about that" is what comes to mind. Or maybe "hmmmm" (meaning that they weren't really listening to what she was saying.
On the bright side, if she brings in the bird and can't care for it, she might get evicted!
I sent my mom a simple straight forward text that the building manager told us only dogs and cats are allowed. That was about an hour ago.
She might call the property manager herself, but that's okay, she will get the same info.
I don't want to talk to my siblings at all. Not only do they not offer any support, but they make things worse for me when they validate bad decisions on her end. It feeds her anger at me. It's like they don't even consider that she has dementia. She can barely take care of herself let alone a high maintenance large bird. I guess they figured I would just do the work.
Can you ask your siblings to deliver the news.
She will chew you out when you tell her. Grrrrr
Would she react the same with them? My mom treats my brothers differently.
Let them deliver the news that the building doesn’t allow birds.
My mom had an Amazon parrot for 25+ years, so I am well aware of the work involved with these birds. This is not something she can do on her own now, at all, no matter how much she wants it. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, and she instantly got very angry. She started saying that my sister and my brother think it's a GREAT idea, and what is wrong with me?
I quickly changed the subject to what time she was coming over and got off the phone. By then my mood is tanking fast so I decided to text her to let her know that I would not be talking about her getting a parrot when she came over, and if that makes her mad maybe we should have dinner on a different day?
Her response was that her getting a parrot was none of my business, and NO she wasn't coming over. I haven't talked to her since.
Meanwhile my DH emailed our property manager and come to find out only dogs and cats are allowed here.
I'm so tired of always being the bad guy. WTH are my siblings thinking to tell her getting a large parrot is a GREAT idea??
We can divorce spouses, parents, in laws, siblings and so on!
Life can become so peaceful after a divorce.
I was fortunate to have a fantastic MIL but I divorced my brothers!
Just couldn't take the abuse anymore. I'd sit there (or rather, stand, she often wouldn't allow me to sit down) like a stupid dog. She'd direct a question at me, as I was answering, DH would pipe up with a query about the computer (or whatever else he was fixing) and if I was talking when he talked, she would literally scream at me, holding her head like it would explode. She'd scream at me to shut up! Shut UP! Dh never said a word.
Both Dh and MIL are quite deaf and opt to not wear their hearing aids most of the time. That didn't help.
The last time I saw my MIL--it just hit me that I was simply allowing her to abuse me, and DH was enjoying not being in the line of fire.
I told her I was giving her the last gift I'd ever give her: that she never had to see or speak to me ever again. Slapped her on the back, swiped a Diet Coke from the fridge and SLAMMED the back door on my way out.
I would be lying if I said this hasn't had repercussions--my Dh is kind of angry with me about it and thinks I behaved like a child--BUT, the truth is, she hates me and always has.
I don't hate her. I actually feel very, very, very sorry for her. She has had an angry, mean life and that's not something I'd wish on anyone.
I feel sorry for my SIL who has to shoulder almost ALL the burdens now--MIL got mad at DH a few months ago and told him to go to hell---and he took it pretty seriously. They'll 'make up' but he hates, hates, hates spending time with her.
Such a sad, cautionary tale about choice and accountability for our actions.
:)
sending you new year hugs!!
i hope you’re doing well!
i read many posts here, on this thread. again, i want to say thank you to everyone on this forum.
many of our situations are similar, and hence many posts are useful for multiple people. it’s been very useful for me.
i wish us well!
continue to seek a life without abuse!
we want to do the right thing (i.e. help/care for narcs). we must also protect ourselves (i.e. not allow any abuse).
hug!
to freedom from narcs.
bundleofjoy
I also think it’s normal to care about someone but despise their behavior.
Conflicting emotions can become complicated and confusing.
I have been having conflicting emotions about it.
How can you love someone yet hate the things they do and say to you??
So I decided to go back and reread her text messages from last week.
It was eye opening!!
It solidifies my resolve to continue NC, however, now I am desperately trying to push away the guilt!!
Seems stupid I know, but I imagine if you have ever had to cut ties with your Mother, you totally understand!
Tomorrow I will seek a psychologist instead of my counselor. He truly helped me tremendously, but I feel that I need more help than he can offer.
It's not always so easy to ban someone from your life who is toxic! Especially when it's your Mother.
I became aware that my mother was trash talking about me to my brothers about 6 months ago. I was angry, but couldn't help but laugh!
She complained to me that my younger brother wasn't calling her. He started calling her on his way home from work. Then she complained to me that "on the way home from work was an afterthought "! She cried over it!
Judge Millian has a saying. NONE ARE SO BLIND AS THOSE WHO WILL NOT HEAR!!
I love that one!!
Thanks so much for all your support and kindness!!!
(((Hugs))) to you all!!!
Your mother thinks of herself as the victim. That is what narcissists do. They portray themselves as reasonable people to others - i.e. your brother - so that they garner sympathy. You seem to have realized that your mother is beyond help from you.
Do not involve yourself in a move to Colorado - or anywhere else for that matter. If your brother lets her move there, that's his *choice* and he will have to sort things out for himself. He will have to establish healthy boundaries for himself.
Mothers such as yours have a warped sense of how to treat people especially other women, and that includes their daughters - like you! You matter and the only person who can protect you from further hurt by your mother is you. Peace, Xray.
Stand firm, let her move back to Colorado. Then you can call her once a week or so and hear how badly your brother treats her!
I have long since cut her out of my life, but I have forgiven her. The daughter of an alcoholic, She did the best she could I suppose. She kept getting hurt that people left her, then I became one too - but it was for my own good.
This was a friend, not a close relative. I can't imagine how much energy a.close relationship with this personality type would take.
Solid steel boundaries? Phone call once a week? Shortish visit once a month?
I remember she told me she used to yell at her (young) daughter how she caused so much pain during labour... asked me if I did that too. I said no, I blamed it on human anatomy. That daughter must be grown up now - hope she is ok 🙄
Hugs to all who share their lives with this personality type.
It is interesting how our moms can say one thing to others and something different to us. What did your brother think when your mom said what she said to him? Did he feel that she was sincere or was he not interested in buying any of it? Does he feel it was a ploy to get him to feel as if she was concerned about you?
My mom did that constantly with me. She would say different things to different siblings. Of course, the siblings weren't around when she said cruel things to me and unfortunately my brothers bought into everything that my mom told them.
Very rarely would she admit she said something to me and suddenly she would have 'selective' memory and forget all about it whenever she wanted to pretend it didn't happen. You have every right to be frustrated. It can be infuriating if we let it get the best of us. I had a hard time dealing with these issues which is why my blood pressure meds doubled.
My mother's issue is that she is that she has always been an extreme perfectionist. Perfectionists hate to make mistakes and don't tolerate others being imperfect, so quite often they make themselves and those around them miserable. I never quite caught the hang of tuning it out because it was constant. It's easier to tune out something that happens infrequently.
Since my mom moved out and now lives with my 'know it all' brother my bp meds are at a lower dosage again.
Wishing you peace and joy.
You're dead on!!
In her text, she told me that the staff at her ALF treat her better than I do.
I spoke with my brother in California tonight and he told me that she is devastated by my No Contact. She says she completely understands all of my concerns for her and why I might be tired of listening to her problems etc...
Again, that's the polar opposite of what she said to me.
As the over pleasers, this is an extremely hard thing to stick to!!
I will confess that the last couple days have been much more peaceful.
I suspect if I stay the course, she will decide to move back to Colorado!
Fingers crossed!!
Thank you so much for your amazing insight!!
BUT you're at a cross-roads, since normal mothers are considerate, whilst, your mother, instead, chooses to be "cruel." It's an incredibly difficult scenario to understand, it's even worse when you're the recipient of a narcissistic mother's psychologically abusive manipulations.
Ongoing research into the narcissist personality disorder, indicates that those with NPD such as, your mother, will never change; which means, she has and always will see her actions and opinions as superior to everyone else's.
I'll go ahead and guess that she has never interacted with you in a truly loving manner, BUT interacted with others as you always wished she would interact with you.
Unfortunately, narcissistic personalities tend to berate their scapegoated children, and even worse will often covertly sabotage the lives of their (adult) children.
When sons and daughters of that wicked personality type, stop going along with their mother's nonsense, their Narcissistic mothers will delete their non-compliant children from their lives.
It's always an either/or (on/off) situation in the mind's of NPD individuals; you're either on the side of the Narcissistic personality or you're not, which results in eventual eviction from their NPD lives.
If this is the first time you've stood up to your mother, she is expecting you to grovel to her for her forgiveness.
Unfortunately, Narcissistic personalities will slander their children throughout their children's lives, which means she has been telling everyone for years that you're THE problem, which means right now she will be telling whomever that you told her ...what she said to you...
Narcissistic personalities will ALWAYS LIE, to always appear as the good person. when in truth they have been psychologically manipulating (abusing) their (now-adult) children, for years.
Sadly, there is really no easy fix, nor solution; but the only action that typically works, is dropping all contact, which she has told you (given you permission) to do...
No contact, helps protect you from her psychological abuse ... until she dies and leaves you nothing in her "Will."
Unfortunately the most cunning narcissistic mothers will deliberately ruin their daughter's lives, by contacting whomever they can to interfere with employment, marriage, college, etc.
So sorry that you've experienced cruelty from her. A silent separation might be best ... if you choose to drop all contact keep that decision protected, otherwise she will use that decision against you 100%.
I would honor her boundaries and go total radio silence.
I know that it hurts your heart but, you matter as much as she does and her actions are not okay anyway you look at it. She obviously doesn't have what you desire from her. I am sorry that you got one of those mthrs.
If I was near you I would fix your favorite meal, tuck you under a comfy quilt and hold you in my arms while I told you all the beautiful things that you are and how much you mean to those that truly love you. Then we would find all the joyous memories and plan anything that brings laughter to your heart, because you are special and you deserve to be treated special.
Great big warm hug! You are going to get through this situation and you are going to be stronger than before. God bless and keep you under HIS wing while you heal, your body and heart.🤗🤗🤗
I have to admit, when I saw you say this:
"She sent me an email with an article about osteoporosis and how suffers should set boundaries." I laughed so hard!!! Nothing like a NARC telling their VICTIM they need boundaries in place for THEMSELVES! LMAO!
These narc mothers are just too much. Send her one of the MANY articles out there about needing boundaries with Narc parents! Actually, just ignore her. Good deal on the blocking. When you finally do speak with her tell her that was one of the boundaries she needed for her osteoporosis.
Yeah, hopefully she moves to Colorado! Fingers crossed for you!