Hi everyone. I'm 47 years old and live in the home I grew up in with my mother. She just turned 79 in late July.
My mother is obese (5'6" and over 300 pounds), is on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol. She has two coronary stents. In late 2005, she started having some vision problems due to circulation in her eyes. Because of her weight, she has some mobility issues/arthritis.
In spite of this, she is in better shape than many others I know who are her age.
She's always been demanding and prone to bad temper, but over the last month, it's gotten a lot worse. Right now, she hasn't spoken to me for almost FIVE DAYS all because I went out to dinner with my significant other on his birthday and came home around 11 that same night. She was mad because she had to get up out of her chair, go in the kitchen, and cook something.
I had brought her some food from our dinner and she basically said "I eat more than once every 30 - 40 hours; shove it up your a**; go take it to your significant other and his family, they're all you care about anyway." I had told her in advance we were going out to dinner and I would be home later.
Since then, she won't say anything to me unless it's in a sarcastic or hateful tone of voice. When I called and asked her what she wanted to eat before I left work on Friday, she said she "hadn't thought about it" and hung up on me. When I was getting ready to go out with my signifcant other last night, she said "I see you're getting ready to go work your corner again." (Yes, my mother basically called me a whore.)
I am going to call her doctor tomorrow and request a face to face meeting with him. I really believe she needs some medical help. I'm at the point now where if I DO go out, I'm afraid to go home, not knowing which side of her I'm going to see.
This makes me angry. I bring the paper in for her every day, bring in the mail, make sure the checks are written so bills are paid, do the laundry, take out the trash, go to the store for her. I do clean the house--not to her satisfaction, but I do the best I can.
She doesn't like my significant other, but it seems that she's becoming more resentful of the fact I have a life and do social things. A few weeks ago, when I told her that I was meeting some friends after work to see a movie, she said, "so that means you're not going to feed me?". I said, "I will bring you dinner AFTER we leave the movies and that will be sometime after 7:00."
She won't go anywhere--I've tried to get her to go places and she won't.
I'm sorry, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I just need to vent.
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It was great hearing from u and your doing good. I'm doing good also, had a very nice Christmas and a very nice New Year ( in bed by 10:00pm) But it was good anyways. I'm also working on getting healthier this new Year so is my Husband. My Mom is adjusting to us living here and is getting along with my Husband better. It still is stressful for me being in between 2 people but I'm also adjusting and have learned to just walk away. My Mom is getting more confused but we are dealing with it as are all of u. Happy New Year to everyone.
CLL007
Happy New Year to all , and I hope everyone's holiday was great. I am doing good, dad is moved into his apartment but as I was getting ready to go on vacation he fell down and broke 5 ribs.
The doctors gave him pain killers which caused him to have delusions and they were really bad this time. It seems everytime I go away for any length of time something happens. Well the doctors are telling me its dementia and it will only get worse and he needs to live with someone. Well I am trying to find help in house now. I was talking to him and his balance and walking is going quick so he said he is not against assisted living so I am going to look at places with him this week.
I have a week until my semester at school starts. This is my last semester and I am done and ready to go to work. I have to get dad situated so I can have a life. I have very hard classes this term and I need to concentrate on that and that is very hard when I am worried all the time about him.
I told him we will not be turning away any help we may get. I cannot be their 24/7 and my marriage has suffered so much over this.
Anyway, thats enough crying about me and my situation how is everyone else? Its a new year and we have much to look forward to!!! I am serious about getting myself healthy and in shape this year. My husband and I have bought healthy cooking books to learn together. Yesterday I made homemade Veg. soup and brought some over to dad because he loves it.
So, I did go on vacation and it was wonderful--everyone deserves a vacation. Happy New Year and thanks for your help.
CLL007
I do believe we can enable our elders to bad behavior by taking whatever they want to hand out--just like one would by giving an alcholic his alchol. It's difficult to step back and realize that we're doing it. It's rather like training a puppy--be consistant and turn your back on that bad behavior so they will realize their needs will be met but your life has to go forward also. I feel so badly for you young ladies trying to fulfill your life and do the caregiving too.
Let's stick together,
NALEWA
My siblings do not believe my Mom needs a caregiver. I've tried to explain to them that they don't see her on a daily basis and have no real clue. They only know what my Mom tells them over the telephone. I have asked them to communicate with me about visits to my state or wanting Mom to visit them in their states. But they have refused to do that. I help my Mom with her daily tasks, her banking, I cook for her and drive her where she needs to go. These things I do not mind doing, but I do mind being beat up by my siblings on a regular basis.
I am not sure what to do with keeping my temper with my siblings. At this time in my life I am so stressed out and unhappy. My Mom is a Diamond in my treasure chest and I would do anything for her. But she will not say anything to my siblings regarding how she see's them treat me. That hurts.
If anyone has some advise on what I should do with about my disrespectful siblings, please let me know. I am about at my wits end.
Nonnee
Carol
Carol
I can relate to that.
I know now what the saying (what goes around comes around) means
I tell people that I put mom through h_ _ _ when I was young and now it's my turn.
But you know what, at least I know that mom is safe and asleep upstairs in her
own bed.
Kick back and relax on your vac- I hope it is with friends and not family. What class are you taking. Our new aide started today and it looks good he works many hrs and also goes to college.
Believe me we are not alone at all. Just here makes me feel like someone understands what is going on. This is a thankless job but look we have everyone here to let us know how wonderful we are and how much work we do and to validate out craziness that goes on.
I feel for all of us--I do notice that their are not many men I think because they could not handle the responsibility.
CLL007--I have a sick husband also. He has been sick with cancer for a year and a half and the attention between my dad and him is just like 2 children. When he was going through kemo I thought I would die of stress because my dad was sick at the same time. It is so hard to be their for 2 people who want all your attention just like children. My husband now wants me to totally ignore my father, yeah right like he is ever going to be out of my life. I know he has taken advantage but he is my father and I love him and worry about him. So anyway, my hubby is better for now and feeling stronger so I am happy about that--the only thing I notice is that men even when they are sick still run their mouths!! That never seems to go away!!! (Just kidding-now we love them)
Well girls I have class tonight--yes class like my life is not full enough. So have a good night and talk to you soon. By the way in 6 days and counting I am going to Las Vegas for a week. I am going to relax and relax and read oh yeah and maybe gamble a bit!!
Take Care
Alice
Your mother-in-law is probably afraid and not happy with herself. You are there and she's taking her frustrations out on you. Some people are just not nice to people, ever, but that isn't always the case when an elder seems impossible to please. Often, it's about them, not you. Still, it's hard to take. You aren't losing your mind, and you aren't alone. Keep checking back. We're with you.
Carol
Thank's for the advise because almost everything u said about taking care of your-self is exaclty what I'm going through. Last yr. I lost 80 lbs. and I have gained 1/2 of that back due to the stress, I eat when My Mother goes to bed because it is such a relief. I have been taking care of my Husband for almost 4 yrs. and we did alright but taking care of My Mom and him can be very stressful they both want my attention and some times it can be way too much. When I want to eat something at night instead I will get on-line and read your comment. Hang in there and we will chat soon.
We are blessed by God aren't we !!!!!
Cindy
I have read your post and feel for you. Take care of yourself first that's what I have had to learn over the past 7 years, I just started to do this. I was almost at the breaking point when I had to say stop and I cannot do this anymore. I needed to look at myself and see what I have done to myself (gained weight, no longer kept myself up, and just looking horrible) and I have to now take care of myself and loose this weight and take care of my health and also my looks because no one will do it for us.....
So I feel for you I have been here too...Not many people can understand until they are in the shoes of someone like us who deals with things like this on a daily basis. God bless you and have a great day.
Take care......Alice
I too do all the work on 1 1/2 acres plus all the house cleaning etc. and it is very hard. My husband is also disabiled and I Live with my Mother so I know what u are going through, get help if u can. If not just pray to God for the strength to do it. Good luck
CLL007(Cindy)
I just wanted to say hello and I am doing good. I hope everyone is taking time for themselves and not allowing ourselves to get overloaded. Things just have a way of getting really difficult all at once and we need to care for ourselves so that we can handle all we have to do.
Take Care..Alice
There is respite care available through many county and state agencies. Check with your adult human services (just go to your state Web site for a number). You'll have to actively look for some help, but it's out there - at least a little, for some time away from your responsibilities. RSVP has Senior Companions in many areas. They would be in your phone book (maybe under Retired Senior Volunteer Program).
Anyway, please keep in touch. That's the first step.
Carol
I totally know your situation and the best thing is to vent here, it has helped me lots. I feel for you and not being able to get away but you have to care for yourself. Can you schedule a hair cut, massage, or something just for yourself that takes a hour or so for yourself?
These getaways are priceless and not to mention a great joy to your emotional health. Please take care of yourself first, it took me for my hair to be falling out, my mental health to be in jeoperdy, my weight to sky rocket to see what was happening to my self.
I am putting myself first now, I have 3 classes until I complete my BBA and am able to sit for my CPA. I am looking forward to a new career full of new rewards and travel. This is my time and I still have a father who I help but I put myself first now and he is learning to care for himself and he is joining social groups like I have been begging him to do forever.
So you see you must love yourself and care for yourself before you find yourself a mess and at the end of your list of important things to do. With the strength to do for myself I feel I can acomplish almost anything. I think if I did not tell my father how I felt about the situation I may not have had the confidence to start my new career for fear of everything.
Keep writing and you will find that you will start to feel a bit more relaxed.
Take Care--Alice
There no one close that can be here if I need to get away, I just go and worry the whole what is going on at home so I really don't enjoy being gone. I'm not sure how long I can deal with this. Thanks for listening.
CLL007
This is an inspiring note.
Carol