Nola Posted April 2009

I’m at the end of my rope, any advice on how to either keep my mother or my head glued on.

Well, my sister just sent me the link to this site. I was amazed at some of what I read. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles.

I have a mother that is relatively young (68), legally blind and diabetic. I moved her from San Antonio to my town in Missouri last year so that I could help her get her life back in order. I had been financing her life for the 7 or so months prior to the move (rent, food, etc.), paid for her bankruptcy (her 3rd, mind you), moving expenses, blah blah blah. It had grown to an insane amount of money in a very short period of time. I figured that it was better to move her up here where I could help keep an eye on her spending, her health, and all the rest. I was WRONG.

She lived with me the first two months, and the fact that one of us isn't buried in my back yard is a miracle. She has, in the span of a year and a half, taxed my emotional health and finances to the point that I'm about ready to divorce her, so to speak. There are never any sincere thank you's from her, no attempts on her part to either be more responsible with her money or to take better care of her health... and if I try to prod her in the right direction in either area, I am locked in combat with a woman who uses guilt trips and verbal abuse as a means to ending an argument that she can't win in any other way. She is constantly angry, self-pitying, selfish, and demanding. She expects me to spend my time, no matter what, taking her on whatever errands she needs to run, even though the Area Agency on Aging has told her repeatedly that they will provide her with free taxi vouchers to take her to whatever 'necessary' (they qualified this as grocery store, doctor, social security office, etc.) errands she needs to run. But she told me point blank that I'm her daughter and that's what I'm there for... that she shouldn't have to do things on her own just to 'make my life easier'. She destroyed the carpet in my guestroom when she was here for two months (brand new house) and feels no guilt about it at all.

I've got a lot of old anger issues with my mother, most regarding things that she put me through when I was growing up (physical, verbal, emotional abuse... neglect... blah blah blah), but I've still tried to do the right thing and care for her as well as I could. But that being said, I don't know how much longer I can continue having her in my life when she just seems intent on sucking me both financially and emotionally dry. Up until two months ago, I was still paying her rent every month at her apartment, buying her groceries, etc., and then found out that while I'm doing all that because she's 'broke', she was buying out QVC and sees nothing wrong with it. She refuses to manage her diabetes the way she's supposed to, eating a half-gallon of ice cream at a time and then going off on me when I tell her I'm concerned about her health and don't want her to eat that way. I get the same reaction when I tell her I want to help her clean up her space (she lives in filth and an unbelievable amount of clutter. Seriously unbelievable.) so that she can be happy and healthy. She's on all kinds of medication for her heart, her diabetes, her migraines, etc., but my sympathy is almost completely used up because so many of these issues are issues she wouldn't have, or not to the degree she does, if she'd just LISTEN and take care of herself.

*sighs*

I'm really sorry to go on like this, but I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty if I leave her to her own devices, but it honestly feels like she's killing me bit by bit every day. When confronted, she plays up the 'everyone's picking on me' angle, since she thrives on being the victim. She lies to everyone, she... God, what am I going to do? I don't want to hate her, but I'm afraid that that's what I'm going to be left with if something doesn't change. I have two siblings, one who tries to help as and when she can and one that does absolutely nothing. The one that does nothing? Mom still defends and dotes on HER. Isn't that always the way?

Any advice at all on how to either help my mother or keep my head glued on would be most welcome. Again, sorry for the length of my post.

Mental Health

86 Comments

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You are indeed a "loving daughter". She is so lucky to have you. Take care, and prayers to you and yours.

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I too am at the end of my rope. Mom was listening in on my conversation with my brother! He actually called and wanted to talk to me. That was a big surprise. He said that he knew how hard this was on me and if I thought it was time , I should put her in a nursing home. My response was that it was not just my decision but his too. We are getting close to that day. I figure that about in a year, we will come to that crossroad. Meanwhile, I try to keep her happy and take care of her to the best of my ability. Thanks for being there for me and for all of us.
Linda

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OOps! Sorry about that. I know, it's outrageously expensive. My own dad will have to spend down to medicaid eventually. Right now, it's going to cost him around 3,500 to 4,000 a month, basic. If I wasn't at the end of my own rope, I would consider taking care of him 24/7 myself, and charging him. I could make sure he had THE best care ever. I'm hoping the best for you and yours. Take care.

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There are no facilities in the area that take people with colostomy bags, and the one facility that does is $5,000 a month and she can't afford that.

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Dear mqflowers, it sounds as if things are really stressful for you. I feel for you. Does your mom remember when your birthday is? If she does, you are lucky. My dad does not remember my birthday anymore, or anyone elses. He sees the birthday celebration going on, and does not have a clue it's someone's birthday, yesterday my youngest daughter turned 13. Do you think he had a clue? No! You are so lucky you and your hubby can go out once a week. I can't, no one else to watch dad. He thinks he doesn't need watching, LOL. My dad is going into assisted living in one week. I can't wait! But again, at the same time, I feel as if my child is going off to college or something, LOL. I guess, it's because he has been living with me 24/7 for the past year. Don't worry sweetie, you hang in there. And if you can't, you must place your mom. Take care, and God Bless You!

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I feel for every last one of you. This caregiver thing makes you numb. I was so pissed off yesterday, as it was my birthday and all my Mom said to me was "Happy Birthday."

I have to change her SH_T bag (colostomy) on a daily basis and that's all she seems to depend on me for. She did not even give me anything for my birthday, but gave my SIL $100 on her birthday and gave she and my brother $200 on their anniversary. Me and my husband get nothing from her and she now lives with us and we care for her, because my brother ended up back in jail. Both brothers are crack heads and she lifts them up to the ceiling. But me, she acts as if I am nothing.

As soon as I got in the house yesterday, my birthday, she started calling me and wanting me to do things. Then she said, "I smell something" and of course that was the cue to empty her bag. As my husband won't do that part of it, but he does the caregiving during the day. Then she wants to hug and kiss me, but never said anything about giving me anything for my birthday.

I've tried many times to spill my heart, talk to my Mom and tell her how I feel and how she does more for her sons than me and she says that she doesn't understand what I am talking about. It's amazing.

I am so sick and tired of being treated this way. I am bless to have my my own family (my husband and my kids), because if I didn't have them and God I would be crying everyday.

THIS IS WHY WE MUST TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES FIRST. ME AND MY HUSBAND GO OUT ON A DATE EVERY FRIDAY JUST TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND BE TO OURSELVES AND IT HELPS.

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People with dementia can be so good at "covering." - I'm thinking of Austin here. My mother was like that. I got the "bad daughter" thing a lot from her friends who only saw her once a month, or so. Even, sometimes from professionals. Why was she in a nursing home? She didn't have dementia, did she? Of course the people who took care of her everyday (with my assistance) knew perfectly well why she needed nursing care day and night. It was amazing how well she could cover for a short period of time. I think they might get an adreneline rush or something. Anyway, it is horribly frustrating for the caregiver.

Take care,
Carol

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Forgetfulness is a sign of early dementia but there is more to it. Your doc will administer a memory test to set a baseline. Then the patient will be matched to that baseline as their memory declines. There are also medical tests too. Jerome.

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I am trying to catch up with all the posts, there must be 75 or so notices so bear with me. I can tell you, when you are ready to drop your loved one at the door of the looney bin, you are ready to take them to the ER. I my case, I was saved by taking mom to the ER as they had a ready handle to diagnose her condition (extreme anxiety)and medicate her for it. It kept her in the real world and not the looney bin.
Jerome.

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I feel for you Austin, I hate hearing people being treated that way. I don't know ab out the forgetfulness, it's happening to me I'm blaming it on hormones though.Who knows with me I could be loosing it too lol.

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It continues to amaze how clever the husband can be with others and so nasty with me. My son said if we lived in another county and called 911 about 60 times in the past few years something would have been done for me a long time ago- here is is almost a joke once when he fell off a lawn tractor the police were going to put him back on the tractor-which he should not have been on in the first place. We had them here 12 times in 8 days. I have a question for you all- is forgetfullness an early sign of dementia?

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God bless you, Neon, you treasure!!! I believe you're telling my story, not your own. Either that, or you're a clone. What's your "real" name, anyway?! Ha Ha LOL Thanks for making my day and brightening my spirits. Don't really think you're at the end of your rope. LOL PS Watch out for the loops.

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Ha I don't know if I have a good handle on my mother or not, I doubt myself so much but some days I know its the dementia and others I just remember when and she was a real looloo let me tell you. funny how she remembers it all just the opposite, I guess she can't look herself in the eye otherwise. I just don't take any crap from her and she can thank herself because of the way she treated all of us she taught me that in a round about way. I just don't think my mother ever had a good handle on reality. She has always been a victim someone is always doing her wrong it just happens to be me at the moment funny I love peace and quiet if I didn't take her in because she needed me I sure wouldn't take her in for chaos. Strange that after all these years she still doesn't have a clue who I am. But thats her loss Just ask my community, co workers, church family they all know me better than my own mother. My husband thinks I am trying to save the world one person one animal at a time and I am just can't seem to save my own sanity. But that being said I believe we should help one another, Its easy to help someone you love its a lesson in discipline to help someone you don''t. My father diciplines me because he loves me and he wants me to stay on the straight and narrow road. I am proud to say that 95 % of the time I do stay on that road its the other 5 % that throws me for a loop. Well superwoman is out of here there is someone else to save. LOL

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Carol, can you imagine taking a loved one, such as "dear old Mom" to the ER. I can't and haven't, so still am her "whipping post." I am praying the doctors can evaluate, help me with a long term Care Plan, decrease her narcotic pain relievers (addictive substances) and actually help, not enable my poor Mom. It's easier to suggest taking Mom to ER, than do it. The only one she's a "danger" to right now, is herself, and my thin skin. It hurts, and it's hard, but I'm not ready for ER yet. Though she hasn't hit me in the face, yet, today, either... (May change my stance this afternoon!) Mom's still crafty enough to manipulate and convince others that she's "fine"... (including me, some moments). Dementia is a nightmare! Neon has a good handle on her Mom, and the patience of a saint! However, in Austin's case, some intervention should be priority. No one should be abused by a husband, ever. I can't understand Social Workers not helping her. Do you?

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I have just the opposite problem my mother stays in her room 24/7 comes out to fix herself something to eat or go to the bathroom when I do have company she says oh I am just joking haha ( she puts me down from the clothes I wear to what I look like LOL Ilook like her to the things I do fortunately for me she makes a fool of herself as those visiting know me pretty darn well I am totally honest and they know that. If we are alone and she starts I just say don't look a gift horse in the mouth which she doesn't like but she knows it's true but she loves to keep something going so I head her off the pass as much as possible

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It's unfortunately true that many people can behave beautifully when someone other than their primary caregiver (and whipping post) is around. That always makes it harder to get help. However, as Anne says, you get stronger each time. Eventually, you have to take care of yourself. If you are truly abused, especially by someone who wasn't there for you, but you've now "inherited" them, Anne's friend may be right about the emergency room. Turning them over to Social Services may work. Somehow, something must be done to save the overly compassionate caregiver's health and sanity.
Carol

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kycady, my heart goes out to you. Where is his other family? You not only have to get to know this person as a person not as a father because he obviously wasn't there for you. He abused his body and lived a life of self inflicted abuse with his wife from what I can tell and you out of the kindness of your heart take him in. It's bad enough for those of us who grew up with those type of parents the me syndrome I call it and now that they have become incapacitated from their own resources we "have to " their words take care of them. I would think with all the troubles he has with his body let him have the surgery I do not mean to be cruel as there are worse things in this life than death, and death is inevitable, let the chips fall where they may. You are getting yourself all worked up over a man who didn't even acknowledge you when you needed him the most but than perhaps it was a good thing for you that he wasn't there or maybe you would have grown up as discompassionate as he. You are a wonderful person better than me that's for sure. I have such issues with my mother that date back 55 years my siblings do as well so I am not as hard on them for not being there but it is still tough. You are in my prayers God does love us unfortunately people like your biological father do not know this they may say they do but the proof is in the pudding. Love to you

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I know I was told this week by a nurse and a person who runs a county commission on aging: "take them to ER, say I can't do this anymore, they're yours," then walk out. They will admit them then place them. I think this would work for someone in a desperate situation. My family member is not that bad yet, but sometimes seems like it's closer every day... I have services in to help, and am not going to tolerate the abuse from that person myself. It's a game meant to make me jump at the beck and call of a sick mind, while they pretend to be doing oh so well around the nurse, social worker, doctor, etc. Sick mind games, and I plan to win, not be taken down in defeat. Think is, my compassion keeps getting in the way, and I keep allowing the controlling person to get away with things I shouldn't. My backbone gets stiffer when my limit is reached; probably sooner than later. Too cryptic? Ask me on my wall and I will spell it out on yours... For some of you, I already did. Take care of yourself, because time is the most precious commodity we have. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. At least some morning! Thank God his mercies are new every morning. After a good night's sleep, we'll be ready to go at it again. Hopefully ya'll can sleep! Say your prayers, cuz God is good.

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Kacady-The husband also can turn his anger for me off when someone else is around my therapist said it is a personality disorder and after she said I knew it was not me and it became easier to cope-I have to bting him home from rehab again because the social worker wants him out before their state inspection comes up soon and a pt. being in rehab more than 15 times in the last 7 yrs. would not look good for them she blamed it on P.T. but I found out that was not true. You need to get help for yourself that is what I am doing and am checking if we can get into medicade to get help that is not going to cost over 20 dollars an hr. and I told if we can not get aides from medicade he will have to be placed-he still can not be nice to me and I have given so much since he has been disabled in 93.

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My father has been diagnosed with Primary Lung Cancer. (ever since I've started taking care of him, I have had to fight him about smoking - he was in complete denial that his bladder cancer was caused by smoking - but it was - now the lung cancer) 2 days ago he had surgery for his renal cancer. They wanted to boot him out w/o any pain meds or a catherter. Needless to say, when he peed thick blood & wailed they gave him pain meds & a catherter & kept him overnight for obs.

When I picked him up, the nurse said "I don't think he has Alzhemeir's he just can't hear.... but, she asked me to sign him out & read everyting... " Why do I have to put up with this. Finally, now that Chris is about to face lung cancer, some people have come over to help... never before just me... but, my cousin after 6 years of me doing this all alone is coming for 5 days... I guess to say goodbye.

Today my father went nuts, I had to put his Chihuahua in the vet so that I could prepare the house (cleaning & everything)... his dog bites everyone & pees & poops everywhere. Chris started wailing that I took his dog away and he has nothing to live for anymore. (I've only known my birthfather for these horrible 6 years). When he 1st got here his wailing was the same about his dead wife. I am now deep in debt & these doctors will not OK hospice because they say at 80, with one kidney, Alzhmerier's, COPD, bladder & ureter cancer, a stint, he can survive the Lung Surgery. So I am waiting until Tuesday when we have the consultation w/ the Thoracic Surgeon to see if Chris is well enough for the surgery & if he wants it. If not, I am going to finally get some help in hospice. In the meantime, I'm afraid his elder rage is getting so bad that he will stab me while I'm sleeping.... my health is really going down & I've lost my health insurance due to not being able to work. I have put my foot down about Pepe... he bites & he has to stay out of the house til I get it clean if hospice comes in... also, my nerves are on the very edge... thanks for letting me vent...

I am losing it... & the medical establishment is also contributing... I only have known this man for 6 years. He is my birthfather. I can sympathize with those who are taking care of people who took care of them. But, when he turns on me after many, many years of care & a family that he gave more to than he ever did me. And he professes to "love" me... and then screams at me... I finally told him I am afraid of him & I can't live in a situation that I am afraid in. He llived in Las Vegas & was a casino manager all his life... I met him 2x. Once I told him of being afraid of him today... (he had all kinds of guns in his house... I sold all of them)... he had put a gun to his wife's head when they were both plastered) he stopped his wailing about his Chihuahua & went in his room & I guess went to sleep....

I just can't believe that after all these years these doctors will not give me respite, hospice or home healthcare ... but, if he goes in for the surgery... they'll have to... he barely made it through the bladder surgery. I felt so bad for him & cried ever since I found out about his lung cancer... but, after today, when he turned on me... and then was very nice to my cousin, like nothing was happening... I think I realize that I have been taken for a fool by a lonely old man who wanted someone to care for him til he died... sad but true... manipulating & sad... I am a giver... I am an enabler... and this is going to stop... he will go into a home or I will get help soon ...

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Hello peace2 (Kathy) Welcome, on the 'Community' page which is listed among the different sections at the top of the home page is where you will find your posting. It is listed in a section on the top right called Our Community. Also you will get an email notification if you check the ' notify me when others respond'.
I think we all are trying to better use this site. Also you can click on the name of whoever posts, and you will go to their 'own page' provided by this site. It looks like you posted your message on 'your wall'.
Keep breathing, I for one cannot use this site everyday, but I check it when I can. There are a lot of helpful people out here. Jerome.

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JEROME, I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL THAT YOU POSTED SOMETHING. I AM TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO USE THIS SITE. FILLED OUT MY PROFILE AND TOLD MY STORY, BUT I CAN'T FIND IT, AND I AM NOT SURE I DID IT RIGHT. I WANT TO TALK TO ALL OF YOU. I NEED YOUR SUPPORT SO BADLY. I AM LOSING MY MIND.

KATHY

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kycady, you can look in your local mental health, county elder care listings and find the support you need.
If you don't ask, or talk to someone, no one knows you need assistance. Hospice has a social worker, doctor, nurse, home health aide, and Chaplin who work as a team for each hospice patient. A combination of those helped me greatly when I was stuck, frozen, could no longer operate, what ever.
Do take with a big grain of salt any advice you get from someone who is not in your shoes. Even us! You know the truth when you see it. It won't hurt to say a prayer to GOD and ask for his help as you are making those calls. Hospice helps people on the way out, and they charge Medicare a LOT of money to do it. GOD helps those who help themselves, take action! Jerome

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Ditto!!!!!! This site and the caregivers who write have been such an inspiration to me. Sometimes it is the little words of encouragement that help me deal with my mom with a more positive attitude. Had a good weekend and plan to have a good week. Love to all
lovingdaughter

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Amen Neon! Just not, lest ye be judged!

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Well phooey I take my week end off and come back monday morning and such discussions, I sure would have liked to seen that post for notavictim.

First: What does class have to do with anything? All classes have elderly people who at some point in time will get to the point they will need someone to care for them.

Two: Who are you to judge anyone there is only one judGe and it ain't Judy, get your heart straight because God will judge you not now but when you hopefully are old and sick and need someone to take care of you

Three: Taking care of a person who has been an adult and now acts like a child whether you love them or not demands all of your faculties, do you have any? You must feed them dress them, clean them, keep them informed, doctors appointments, shopping, more doctor appointments. unfortunately some of have to work and work hard, than go home clean up behind them and they can make some pretty tough messes. Listen to some of their stories you have heard a million times. Repeat four or five times to someone who no longer hears anything except its time to eat.

Four: Are you taking care of anyone? What issues do you have except the me syndrome?

Try taking care of a person with that.

Five: We are ALL human and have our breaking points, one thing human beings don't have enough of is patience. I've met a few that have the patience of JOB but I am not one of them

Six: This place has been a God Send to me It lets me know I am not alone, I get extra hugs and prayers not necessarily in that order and I do the same for those who have the GUTS to vent.

Rethink your situaion, we are always here if you need us but do not judge us because if you judge us you WILL be judged more severly. I hope you will reconsider and join us and know that we are loving caring people who sometimes just get to the end of our rope.

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Anne, this person does not even deserve the attention they were trying to get by being hateful towards caregiver's need to vent here. I think someone suggested removal, no surprise. Good night!

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OK, bummer, I just logged on. What did I miss? Must have been a REAL juicy one! Probably best not to tell me, though, huh? Hope nobody got hurt in the process. God bless you angels!

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Too bad, I thought it was a great example of how NOT to post LOL.

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Evidently, notavictim deleted the post that generated so many responses. Hopefully, he/she learned gained insight and reconsidered. :-)

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I’m at the end of my rope, any advice on how to either keep my mother or my head glued on.

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