Needing to move away from parents

Debralee, did you notice that the original post here was in 2009? Many of the posters in this thread may no longer be active on the forum. (Just FYI, in case you didn't notice. No criticism implied.)

The postings to this discussion topic is more like a bible study group. Ms A is looking for advice about caregiving problems, not religious teachings. Give her resolutions to her problem and ot her soul.

Well I Think the first thing you should do is, you need to tell them that they would have a better time being taken care of then spending money buying things they DONT need... also when they do have money to spare they can buy it AT THE NURSING HOME instead of wasting money! I Hope This Helps You!!!

'Honour your father and mother' means to show respect and reasonable concern for their wellbeing. We are Bible believing Christians, our faith is everything. My parents are in their 80s, at present able to live alone but they have no interests, they would like to live with my sister or I, they constantly ask when they are next seeing us but when they do it is on their terms. They just want to be waited on, given 'over the top' meals and alcohol, they belittle our faith and deliberately try to encourage our daughter to get into worldly ways. I honour them by continuing to see them but both my husband and I keep them at arms length. We pray for them but find them spiritually oppressive and draining, how could we co exist with them daily without massive compromise to our faith?

Ms. A:

If you both return home, there's a chance your husband will drive the 400 back to his parents' a couple x a week to check up on them. If you resent him now, just imagine the arguments if he starts commuting.

Check with local agencies to set up some kind of support system that everyone is okay with. If that isn't good enough and he's still taking care of them on a daily basis, then he might as well stay until his priorities are straightened out.

I was looking for information for a research paper and ended up on this, but I must put in my thought. I am 20 years old and my grandfather passed away last week of Azheimer's. Your husband needs to be with his parents every second he can because they will soon not be there anymore. I understand you are homesick, but could you not wait a few years to move away from his parents. The disease is fast and awful and they will need more help than you can imagine. If you don't stay with his parents, then you will both regret it later in life and probably blame each other, ending in a worse outcome than putting your life on hold for a few years. Good luck though. Love those dear people while you still can.

I was looking for information for a research paper and ended up on this, but I must put in my thought. I am 20 years old and my grandfather passed away last week of Azheimer's. Your husband needs to be with his parents every second he can because they will soon not be there anymore. I understand you are homesick, but could you not wait a few years to move away from his parents. The disease is fast and awful and they will need more help than you can imagine. If you don't stay with his parents, then you will both regret it later in life and probably blame each other, ending in a worse outcome than putting your life on hold for a few years. Good luck though. Love those dear people while you still can.

Jesus said "leave your father and mother" and cleave to each other
Jesus said "leave your family and follow me"
(well not his exact words)

No where in the Bible does it say... your parents bore you so you are their slave.
Honor your Father and Mother by behaving well in society and being responsible. I cannot stand it when people use that Honor your Father and Mother as you having to BECOME your father and mother.
Jesus even at one point "dissed" his mom when followers said... Jesus your mom and brothers are here and want to speak with you ... and Jesus said YOU are my family, and this is my work, -- which I took to mean... that Jesus put his family on the same level as any other followers.... (again not the exact words)
Please quit putting the Honor your Father and Mother ... as a life sentence to children who never asked to be born.
Wow.... am I ever depressed and resentful tonight! Tomorrow I may not feel this way.

laspooh
Thanks for your wonderful post. Boy would I love to meet you!

One reason people are afraid of live in help is the liability factor, but it can be handled and with a person of your quality, I'd think people would be fighting over you. You obviously have a passion for it.

I hope you and the right family find what benefits you both. Nothing works 100% for everyone. It would be so nice so say do A., then do B., then do C. and everything will work out fine. But it's so much more muddled than that.

We do need more people like you.
Carol

I read through all the posts and everyone gives wonderful advise. There is one thing I want to tell everyone who has an elderly parent on their hands. Really consider the Live-in caregiver options and do a Detailed research. It's risky but if you find the right person, consider being more open. For example:
I'm 29 and have been in the medical field (medical assistant/home health aid) for over 10 years specializing in senior care. I have been looking for live-in position for more than a year. I have Wonderful references, great easy-going personality and more importantly I Love what I do! You can not imagine what passion I have to work in this field! There is a reason, when I was around 19 years old I saw my great-grandmother being mistreated, neglected and at times abused by the family she was with. It left me burning with emotions for to protect and provide best possible care. Now, I have been interviewed a number of times for a live-in position. As soon as the family finds out that I'm married (no children) they shut down and are no longer interested. They want a caregiver who is free with no attachments.
This makes me really sad, because I know that this blinds a lot of families. Think about it, doesn't this show that the caregiver is a committed, reliable person? And if hired will stay for a long time? That is what I don't understand. The family is willing to allow a parent to be home alone when its risky, put in so much effort and work in to keeping their parent at home, but when it comes to a little compromise no one is willing to budge...
I'm sorry.... I don't mean to make anyone feel bad especially not msambrosia75. It's just a trail of thought that I wanted to share. Maybe it will help make a better decision as you go through your options.
God Bless!

What a lovely post, Nauseated. You are a gem.
Carol

Dear mqflowers, we love you too and maybe some of us just get a little overly sensitive in the job of caregiving. And that is okay, because we are all just human here. If we did not show or express these emotions, we would not be human. Take care all and have a great day.

Good Morning All,

Hope all is well. I just wanted to say that I didn't mean to judge anyone, as I was only voicing my opinion, and we all are entitled to our opinions.

We need to be able to vent to one another and support one another as we all are a little stressed due to our specific caregiving situations.

I love you all with the love of Christ, and I hope that you have a blessed day.

Hello Anne,
Thanks for your response. I'll try to explain some so you will understand at least some of what the situation is with me. It’s a long complicated story but I’ll try to give you an idea about some of it. It will probably be a long message but I don’t know how to keep it short and still give you enough idea of the situation.

First of all, when I refer to someone as sister, I am talking about a biological, blood-related sister. And my sister doesn’t go to the church that my mother and I are members of. She doesn’t like the minister.

Angry and hurt? Yeah, you could say that, and for a lot of reasons. I have strong beliefs about certain things, one of which is that people should practice what they preach or not preach it. Don’t say one thing but do the opposite. And I’m fed up with people always emphasizing going to church (something Jesus didn’t say anything about) as if not going means that one isn’t a Christian, but ignoring things Jesus did say we’re to do as if they’re just optional suggestions. I’m also tired of the people who act like they don’t sin or that someone else’s sin is a big one that God will punish but that their sins are little ones that God will just overlook. That’s what most fundamentalists do and it makes me very angry. We all sin in one way or another and will till the day we die. And my sins, whatever they are, are no worse in God’s eyes than anyone else’s. I am not saved by being “good” and neither is anyone else because none of us can be good enough by our actions. According to the Bible, me or anyone else who is saved is saved because of Jesus’ goodness and what He did and by believing and accepting Him as the ONLY way to get to Heaven.
Also, Jesus commanded (it wasn’t an optional suggestion) that we are to do for others what we would want others to do for us (the Golden Rule). There’s nothing complicated about that and it includes a whole lot of things, in fact most things that have to do with our dealings with other people. And since He commanded it, when we can do it but choose not to, we are sinning, just the same as disobeying any of the other commandments.
And what do some Christians think He was talking about in the parable of the Good Samaritan when He said to go and do likewise? Do they think we are only to apply it to helping someone who we happen on along the road who has been beaten up or robbed? Am I mistaken in thinking He meant for us to apply it to helping anyone who needs help in whatever way they need it, if it’s in our power to do so?
And yes, I certainly know that not everyone can help everyone in every way they need it, every time they need it, but I see no reason why someone who has a vehicle and drives it cannot help someone they know who needs transportation, or why they can’t call someone who’s alone or in my situation and ask them if there’s anything they need.
The main thing I need help with is transportation to places where the senior center doesn’t provide it to or in between scheduled trips to the store. I would really like to have been able to go today but had no way to get there. And I’m not talking about anyone doing it for free. I’d certainly be willing to give them some money. I’d be willing to do some sewing in trade for it too if they wanted that.
Wouldn’t most people want someone to help them if they couldn’t drive for whatever reason and needed transportation?
The Golden Rule would certainly apply in a situation like that, wouldn’t it? And I’m sure you know what Jesus said about doing or not doing for the least of His brethren. He evidently takes things like that very seriously but most professing Christians that I know don’t seem to. Have you ever heard the story based on that verse titled , The Cobbler’s Guest or The Christmas Guest? In those verses, He mentioned being in prison and being visited or visited not. I’m not exactly in prison but I’m very lonely and would just love to have someone local to talk with sometimes or who would enjoy getting something to eat and watching a good movie or something with me sometimes. I have a large video collection of all kinds of things. I’d even buy the food. I have 3 friends who call me every so often but they’re all long distance. Only one of them visits and she only comes maybe 2 or 3 times a year for a couple of days.

The reason I walk is because I can’t drive. And yes, people in the church, especially in the Sunday school class I attended, are well aware of that fact. I am physically able to but I couldn’t emotionally (or whatever you want to call it) handle it. There are some people who just can’t ( including one of the women in that class), and unfortunately, I’m one of them. My sister though, doesn’t try to understand my feelings about that any more than she does about anything else. As she has said to me more than once, I “chose not to drive”.
I put a card on the church bulletin board one time asking for help with transportation to the stores, etc. Out of the whole congregation, only 3 people offered and one of them isn’t here during the winter months. Mother got mad at me for asking and refused to take them up on their offer. She was refusing to stop driving even though she couldn’t judge her distance and would drive way to the left so she wouldn’t hit anything on the right. I asked my sister to try to convince her to stop driving, as well as for help with some other things concerning her (Mother would listen to her sometimes more than me) but she sent me a hateful email telling me that Mother needed to be independent and that if I didn’t like the way things were, maybe I should find another place to live. (???)
I wasn’t old enough at that time (not 60 yet) to use the senior center transportation, and she refused to. If she had used it, it would have been ok for me to go along. She has been a real pill at times and far from being easy to care for. And then to have to deal with my sister sometimes (she’s worse than Mother) but, fortunately, not very often.


Our church doesn’t have any kind of programs for helping with transportation or in any other way. There is a group that uses the church but whatever they do is only for street people and such. The church used to have a vehicle for transportation to the Sunday services but they got rid of it a good while ago. I don’t know if not enough people rode it to justify the expense or what the reason was. At that time, my mother was still driving. When she finally agreed to stop driving, I could have ridden with the person in Mother’s Sunday school class who picked her up after she stopped driving but she went too early to suit me. I just couldn’t seem to get going and ready in time. Mother was always an early bird but even she didn’t like going that early.

As for my sister, I think I should mention that she is a hateful, spiteful person in general and has a lot of resentment and spite towards me. She’d never admit that she doesn’t like me but her actions show it. She will find fault with me for anything she can latch onto to use against me, whether it’s true or not and whether it makes sense or not. She gives me no credit or understanding for anything, just criticism. She’s always pitching things up, not just to me though, to Mother or anyone. The reason we’re not speaking now is because of an email she sent me a couple of weeks ago. I don’t have the time to go into it but it had to do with an honest mistake in judgement I made 40 years ago. I trusted someone that was dishonest and because of it, we lost some old family letters. I am so sorry that I trusted the person it really makes me feel bad whenever I think about it but it was 40 years ago and I can’t go back and change it. All through the years, she has pitched it up to me every so often, as she did again a couple of weeks ago. It’s a long story but she was reminded of it by seeing and talking to someone at her church who knew the dishonest person. So she sent me and email berating me again for it. I told her how sorry I am but that I can’t do anything about it, that it was 40 years ago and to just let it go. She said it didn’t matter if it was 40 or 400 and then, as she always does, berated me for everything she could think of to berate me for, even things that happened when I was in grade school that I had no control over. She said that her children (they are adults) don’t come to see their grandmother because they can’t stand to be around me. Even if that were true, it wouldn’t stop them from calling her on the phone (one does, the other one doesn’t). And as if that wasn’t enough, she put a nasty letter in the Easter card (of all things) that she sent to Mother, saying all kinds of hateful stuff, mostly about me. It was in that letter that she said that I was going to have a “terrible account” to give (because I “fuss” at Mother and sometimes raise my voice to her) and that I wasn’t going to be in Heaven with the rest of the family that she is looking forward to seeing some day. She said I’d been “in control too long” and “now it’s too late”. I have no idea what she was talking about. The resentment and spite that she feels towards me and Mother (and for no reason except in her mind) then she has the nerve to say I’m going to have to give a terrible account? And you tell ME to forgive and move on???!! Unlike her, I have let bygones be bygones and have turned the other cheek over and over again with her. I have made DVDs of movies and things I thought she’d like and given them to her. Sometimes she kept them and sometimes she sent them back, depending on the mood she was in at the time. One time when she was in one of her moods, she handed it back to me and said there was more important things in the world.

A certain woman at church (the one that gets up and teaches how we’re supposed to do for other people) said we were “friends”, then treated me like I was no better than the ground she walked on or didn’t even exist, except when it was to her advantage to call me for some reason. I kept turning the other cheek to her too for a long time, and kept getting it slapped again. My mother and one of my long distance friends kept telling me to stop having anything to do with her but it took me a while before I finally had enough of it to quit. Neither she nor my sister have asked my forgiveness for anything because neither one of them think they’ve done anything wrong, and they’d do it all again, given the chance.
What do you mean by “forgive” and “move on”, give them a chance to keep doing it? No, I don’t think so. I have no desire to be anyone’s whipping post or door mat and I have enough stress and upset on me, almost more than I can bear sometimes, with caring for Mother and our cats and everything that involves, and having no one to help me with any of it. And I’m not going to deliberately let someone keep upsetting and hurting me if I can avoid it. I finished up the last email to my sister by telling her that no matter what I said, she would always find fault with me and I wasn’t going to let her keep upsetting me. I told her to leave me alone and I would leave her and her kids alone.

As for the people at church, I’m not going to bother them either. It doesn’t matter to me what people think about going to church or what anyone thinks of me for not going. Jesus is the only one who is my judge and He didn’t say that church attendance is a requirement for salvation or for being a follower of His. And I’ve never seen where He said that we have to be in a certain kind of building to worship Him.

Again there are so many loving and intelligent people out ther offering hope and real suggestions, not judgements. I personally believe in free will, although, I do know emotional entanglements and guilts imposed by others do influence our descision making. In "less civilized" times there was no outside help. the social center was the family and religion. Today people rely on others to assist in elder care, hey, and childcare! If indeed you are homesick, that's valid. You and your husband should consider his parents, but seeking legal and financial guidence is a beginning step. If his parents cannot take care of themselves and need "protection" even from themselves, if there are no siblings, it is up to him to protect them and to honor your marriage. Enbrace each other and the situation, seek professional guidance, get it in wiriting before it is too late.

As for the $200,000 spent on HSN and QBC I wonder if these were credit card buying. I do not think you or husband are legally responsible to repay any debt incurred without your consent, such as co-signing a credit appplication. However, if thery have an estate credit card companies can recoup from their estate. It is very uncomfortable seeing elderly people loos their self control, however, i suspect they are either loosing "it" or just figure they should do what they want to do to enjoy their end days.

Dear Sue, in reading your posts, it seems you have several things that you are dealing with, and many of them difficult. I am praying you can get more help for you and your Mom. Sounds like you've had some legitimate hurts from someone at church, perhaps your real sister, I wasn't clear on that. And perhaps you've been overlooked and forgotten? Does your church actually know your need? Not everyone can meet our needs, in defense of sisters, and churches, but I hope these hurts can be resolved for you. Not everyone is the same, reacts the same of interprets things the same. And no one person can meet our every need, but that's just me trying to give the benefit of the doubt to a situation to which I don't totally understand. When in doubt, forgive and ride it out. Sometimes things have a way of working themselves out. But not always. Can you forgive anyway, and move on? Just wondering, because you sound hurt and angry. Don't let disappointment rob you of a blessing. You didn't say why you're walking. Seems like the church should pick you up; I know ours provides rides for those who don't drive. Praying for you, take care.

"needing to move away from parents"? Am I on the right thread? Whoooa there caregivers! Although I have to say I totally agree with Anne, every situation is different for every family, and that needs to be taken into consideration. Sometimes the best thing to do for our loved one is place them in a much better situation for their best interest. This can be less stressful for all involved. For example, I will be placing my dad, so that he can get specialized care that I am not qualified to provide. Then I can go back to being the daughter, instead of the enemy. And dad won't feel like I am telling him what to do all the time, some one else can. I can walk in with flowers, a homecooked meal, a special basket with his favorite things, all with a smile on my face, instead of a face that shows I am too tired to care anymore. And he can go back to being just dad. But that is just my opinion. Everyone here is entitled to their own opinions, and we are all here to help one another, not preach the bible to one another. Have a good night, love and hugs to you all!

Right on target, Anne. And thanks.

mqflowers, I was raised on the Bible so I don't need you or any other fundamentalist to tell me what the Bible has to say. God didn’t make you a judge and He didn’t put you or anyone else in charge of anyone else’s behavior except their own.
msambrosia75 is having heartbreaking problems and feeling bad enough as it is. She needs help and support, which is what she wrote looking for, not a sermon or a put down, but your response to her was a typical fundamentalist response. With maybe a couple exceptions, most of the fundamentalists I’ve seen are very short on compassion but long on judging and preaching.

Being a parent does not make them equal to God or mean that children should give them their life and serve them as if they are. Honor and respect are earned. Not all parents are deserving of it. We children, especially those of us who are giving good care to our parents, deserve respect and consideration too. I live with my mother in her house (where I grew up) and am taking care of her by myself and I can’t drive. Do you think that isn’t a helpless, scary situation to be in?
My transportation to the stores and medical appointments for both of us is with a senior center volunteer. If I can’t walk to other places I need to go, I have a problem. I would like to go to the store tomorrow to get a couple of things but I can’t get there till Wednesday, the day the volunteer is scheduled to take me.
Yes, I know that the early Christians helped and took care of each other. People from my mother’s church call her once in a while or send cards but no one asks if there’s anything they can help me with or even offer to bring me a sandwich. I used to go to that church too until I couldn’t stand the phoniness any more. I’m talking about hearing people get up and talk like they’re the soul of righteousness and say how Christians are supposed to treat other people and then treated me like I was nothing, nobody, instead of a member of Jesus family and someone who needed help. When I wasn’t there, a couple of them told me that I was missed, but not one person offered to come and get me. I guess no one wanted to go to that much trouble or maybe it was for insurance reasons. That’s the excuse that a lot of people use now. Anyway, when I went, I walked.

And don’t tell me about “family” either. Do you know what Jesus said when He was told that His mother and brethren were waiting outside for Him? In other words, he was saying that there was more to being family than just being blood related. My church-going, fundamentalist sister who doesn’t like me and who said I’m not going to go to Heaven, won’t come and help us. She did help with transportation sometimes when we just had to ask, usually to go to the vet, but she usually assigned it to her kids to do, and when she did offer to do anything, it was definitely because she thought she was obligated to do it, and she’d tell us how busy she was or she’d pitch it up later when she got mad about something. I don’t want anyone doing anything for me just because they think it’s their obligation. No thank you. Mother wouldn’t ask her to do anything either unless it was absolutely necessary. We aren’t even speaking now.
She played maid and servant to our parents 20+ ago (they didn’t need a caregiver at that time) while I was living “across the state”, something she seems to think I shouldn’t have done and keeps pitching up to me.
She seems to think that a child, no matter what their age, is to stay where their parents are and serve them. I’m not sure that my mother doesn’t feel the same way. So because I chose to have a life of my own, which meant at that time that I had to move 300 miles away from the family, she thinks that she did her share. Now that Mother needs a caregiver, I’m the one having to do it all. If I wasn’t here and it had been up to her to do, she’d have put Mother in the nursing home and sold the house a long time ago. I used to love my mother with all my heart and thought we were close but now she acts like I’m nothing more than a servant, and doesn’t even show the respect that a servant, a human being, should be shown. But she always went to church before she fell and now she listens to preachers on the TV, including Charles Stanley. So no, don’t tell me what the Bible has to say about family or anything else.
And as for my sister saying I’m not going to Heaven, fortunately, God didn’t give her the authority to judge and I don’t think He tells her who is or who isn’t going to be there. Jesus died for me too and when I accepted Him as my Savior a long time ago, that settled it.

When parents, or anyone, has to depend on someone else for help, they have to be willing to maybe do some things differently too, maybe even move. msambrosia75 said that her husband’s parents are refusing to move to a care facility, but you tell HER not to be selfish?

The Bible has a lot to say about how we’re to treat anyone and everyone, not just blood relatives. Do you also know what Jesus said the second greatest commandment is? Do you know that Jesus said (commanded) that we treat others the way we want to be treated and to help people, ANYONE, we happen on to that needs help? And the apostle Paul, who you people seem to think more of than Jesus, said that we are to bear each others’ burdens and therefore fulfill the law of Christ. He didn’t say to add to them.
Like the Pharisees in Jesus’ time, you all think you have all the answers and know what’s right (morally and otherwise) for everybody. You think you know all about God and everything He does and why He does it as if He made you all privy to everything He does, including who’s saved and who isn’t. Well, you don’t and He didn’t!
And why is it that when fundamentalists quote the Bible, you rarely quote from the teachings of Jesus? It’s usually either from the Old Testament or the apostle Paul, as you did. You people act like Paul was the one who was God and Savior. And why do you all always say “godly” or “godliness”, as you did, instead of Christ-like? People who profess to be Christians are supposed to want to be like Christ (Christ-like), aren’t they?

I hope that msambrosia75 is still on this board and reading these other responses but it would certainly be understandable if she isn’t.

There are many ways to care for our parents. Everyone has different needs and circumstances. If caregiving in the home tears apart a marriage or a family, then other options need to be looked at. Many elders don't want to live with their kids. They feel more independent in a place with other seniors and people to do things with.

Many, of course, fight to stay in their own home - often from lack of knowledge of what other options are available. Sometimes, it works well to live with adult children. Sometimes, it's good for them to stay in their own homes. The only obligation is to do what is best for everyone, which generally means it's not perfect for anyone. We try our human best. It's all we can do.

Carol

Dear Sue, well said. And my preacher tells us the same things... So, Amen, sister! And who said we are dishonoring if we don't move them in with us, or put them in a facility. Sometimes that's the more honorable thing to do. It may be the best in some situations, as who wants to live together by "obligation." If that works for your family and situation, praise the Lord! But don't guilt trip the rest of us if we choose differently. God has provided well for my family members, and given us back our joy. Dad #1 and Dad #2 are roommates together in a fantastic facility, and Mom's about to have her very own apartment, close by. There's no way any of us would be happy living together, and none of us feel dishonored, oppressed, or lacking in any good thing. In fact, I'm ready to move into the Nursing Home and get pampered myself. They live better than princes and princesses. I could in no way provide for my parent's medical, physical, social, spiritual, and mental needs than "the man in the moon." And we're living proof of the grace of God and his provision. God is good, and has given many resources to seniors and families. No longer isolated and lonely. Now pampered and protected. No burden on the family to do what's often not possible, and more than honoring to those in need. God provided Physicians, Nurses, Aides, Therapists, Support Staff, and Nursing Care Facilities for our benefit and use. Why wear out the family members, who are all just trying to raise their young, make a living, and contribute to their family and community? Who said we have to all be nurses?! All Jesus requires is showing love and compassion. Let God help us with the rest!!!

The Bible has much to say caring for elderly parents and other family members who are not able to care for themselves. The early Christian church acted as the social services agency for other believers. They cared for the poor, the sick, the widows and the orphans who had no one else to care for them. Christians who had family members in need were expected to meet those needs. Unfortunately, caring for our parents in their old age is no longer an obligation that many of us are willing to accept.

The elderly can be seen as burdens rather than blessings. Sometimes we are quick to forget the sacrifices are parents made for us when they are in need of care themselves. Instead of taking them into our homes—whenever that is safe and feasible—we put them in retirement communities or nursing homes, sometimes against their will. We may not value the wisdom they have acquired through living long lives, and we can discredit their advice as “outdated.”

When we honor and care for our parents, we are serving God as well. The Bible says, “The church should care for any widow who has no one else to care for her. But if she has children or grandchildren, their first responsibility is to show godliness at home and repay their parents by taking care of them. This is something that pleases God very much....But those who won't care for their own relatives, especially those living in the same household, have denied what we believe. Such people are worse than unbelievers” (1 Timothy 5:3-4, 8).

Not all elderly people need or want constant, live-in care in their children's homes. They may prefer to live in a community with other people their age, or they may be quite capable of complete independence. Regardless of the circumstances, we still have obligations to our parents. If they are in need of financial assistance, we should help them. If they are sick, we should take care of them. If they need a place to stay, we should offer our home. If they need help with household and/or yard work, we should step up to assist. And if they are under the care of a nursing facility, we need to assess the living conditions to make sure they are being properly and lovingly cared for.

We should never allow the cares of the world to overshadow the things that are most important—serving God through serving people, especially the people in our own families. The Bible says, "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise—"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth" (Ephesians 6:2-3).

Dear msambrosia75,
I'm sorry that I'm not able to answer your questions or be of any help in that way but I'd like to offer a suggestion and my 2 cents worth that I hope may help in some way.

First of all, don't let anyone lay a guilt trip on you for being homesick and wanting to go home. You are not being selfish. What you are feeling is a natural human feeling and it has to do with love. It has nothing to do with Satan.

While it’s true that we are supposed to honor our parents, a person’s mate is supposed to come first. Jesus made that quite clear. In Matthew 19:5, He said that a man is to leave his parents and cling to his wife and the two are to be one (meaning the woman and her feelings are equal to the man’s?). I suspect that a lot more marriages have been destroyed by people putting other people, including blood relatives, first above their mate, than has ever been destroyed by Satan. Personally, I think Satan has been given to much credit/blame for peoples’ bad actions. God gave us free will and we all choose our actions.

Just remember, your feelings are as valid and important as anybody else’s.
Contrary to what some people may think, being a woman does not make one unequal or less important.

Well said, Desertdaughter. Respite care is much better and easier to get in some areas than others, but in many places there are Federal dollars available and people don't even know it. I'd check with the aging services people on any state's Web site. They would know what agency to contact in your county to see if there is money available for respite care.
Carol

I too care for my widowed aging mother, I am not well myself, actually she seems to have better health than I. Shortly, on her 85th Birthday, she has invited her 82 yr. old sister, also a widow, to move from Pennsylvania her to Colorado to love with her. My younger brother died last year so now I have two elderly women to care for. Neither can drive, don't see or hear well. At first I was obstinate. Then on reconsidered. Why shouldn't they enjoy their aging as they did their youth. They will enrich each others last years. So I am changing my attitude. I will also be hopeful that I can find some outside day help. Some counties have grant money for respite care, housekeeping, meals, etc. I have found thst caregivers for the elderly are usually tender hearted and helpful. If your parents need more time, attention and financial help contact your local health department for available help. I have someone come in once a week to clean the kitchen, bathroom, change bedding. I take Mom grocery shopping, hire someone to cut the grass, and take her beloved pet to the vets. She and I disagree, but we always call and say good night. When she was injured a few years ago, her insurance paid for a nurse to come into the home to tend the wound after she was released from rehab, check with their insuance carrier or change to a better plan if you can. There are can be options you are not aware of. If parental care is disruptive to your marriage, try to get some additional help, moving away may not be the only answer or maybe moving the parents is an option you really haven't considred.

Dear msambrosia, your husbands parents need protection. Their situation, just to let you know WILL get worse. Especially those with dementia or alzheimers. Just read past posts and you will learn a lot from others who have been through it. You know what? I have moved wherever we had to in my marriage to make a living. I made the vow to always follow my husband in every move to support him. You do what you have to, to make it work, and not hold resentments, especially if you chose to follow. 400 miles is nothing. I moved 1,200 miles from my hometown. Then, I had to move my dad too eight years later. Your husband is doing a wonderful thing for his parents. I ask you, wouldn't you want him to support you in doing the same for your parents as well, if you are still lucky enough to have them? Good luck to you and your husband. It is hard and a strain on marriages, none of us here will lie to you.

Check with the County, in their vicinity, to see if there's in-home care and see if their insurance covers it. It would be beneficial if your husband did a DPOA for finances and healthcare and have them sign it. This way, they are protected and he can do their finances, etc. There are free DPOA's for finances and healthcare on the Internet for their specific State where they live. You may have to make some small changes, print it out and the one for finances have to be notarized. However the one for healthcare just needs witness signatures.

However, I would be very careful if I were you because we all will be where they are one day and God says to honor your mother and father.

I had to fly out to CA and move my mom here to GA with us, and it's been very stressful and a challenge. However, I know that it had to be done. She took care of me and now it's my turn to care for her. Please don't allow selfish motives to deter you from doing what's right, and support your husband in what he's doing. After all, they are his parents. Don't allow satan to use this to destroy your marriage, because he will if you allow him.

If they are members of a church, go and talk to their pastor and see if the church can assist in anyway.

Good luck