My mother blocks everything I suggest from 3000 miles away.

Question

My mother is 77, not yet seriously ill - she has arrhythmia and is beginning to slow down but still able to do yoga, play tennis etc. She is preparing to downsize. This is proving very stressful for her, and because she feels that I should be "there" she resists any efforts I make to provide help from a distance while behaving as if she is completely overwhelmed, the world is coming to an end and I am useless ...
I have invited to set her up in her own apartment where I live and made suggestions for people who could help her get things sorted but she blocks everything I suggest. If I pursue this issue, she accuses me of bullying her. What annoys me is, that she does have relatives to help her, and when I ask them how she is, they report that she's fine. They're trustworthy, and I suspect this is an "act" to make me feel guilty. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. When my Dad - her ex-husband - was dying of cancer, she insisted I visit her in Florida or Maryland, when I flew over in an emergency - of which there were several. I was unable to and she still holds this against me. Oh ... we just don't get along, but I don't want her to end up sticking her head in the sand, failing to plan well, and ending up running around like nut trying to tie everything up from 3000 miles away if something goes wrong ... any ideas. Thanks. AnxietyAbroad

Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF · Accepted Answer

Glad I could help underscore what you already know. Please check back - we're happy to help and it's a good place to vent. (Love the pun. You'll need that sense of humor : )
Carol

AnxietyAbroad · Answer

Hi Carol, Thanks for the advice ... all I can say to your response is "bingo!" Particularly important to me is the idea about setting up boundaries and detaching from the whining ... because I have become the "whine repository" ... I wonder if I let it age if it will turn into good vintage wisdom? Sorry about the pun.

She won't like it, but I'll have to do it. I will also take your advice as far as setting up a service for her, and when she doesn't take it, because she won't ... I'll say, well, it's your choice. Thanks very much for your time, help and support, tt

Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF · Answer

This definitely sounds like a control issue with past resentments thrown in. You are doing all you can, at this time. You know she has others who can and will help. She wants you to feel guilty. She doesn't sound like she's in such bad shape that you need to lose sleep over this. It's probably best to set up boundaries now, and detach from her whining. Do nice things for her when you can, keep up contact, but don't let her know she's getting to you. You could say, "Well, Mom, the so and so company specializes in this and I'll help set up the service." When she refuses, you can just say, "Well, it's your choice." Hopefully, she'll stop trying to lay on the guilt if she knows you won't let it stick. Good luck. I know it's hard, but it's not like she doesn't have help if she needs it. You may want to stay in touch with her other relatives to keep tabs on her.
Carol

My mother blocks everything I suggest from 3000 miles away.

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