My husband and I are ready for retirement, and are transitioning from NJ to Delaware. My mom (84) will need to move also, to a complex.

Carol's advice is great, as always.....I want to add that there is an organization called the National Association of Senior Move Managers (NASMM) which could put you in touch with a move manager in your area to help you. I had one of these move managers assist me with moving my elderly father from one senior complex to another in another state. I honestly believe that I could not have handled this job without the wonderful person from NASMM who helped me. This task tested me to my outer limits! (Without the move manager's help, I think I may have had a nervous breakdown.) I now refer to this woman who helped me as "my angel." These move managers do charge for their services. You can use Google to find the organization on the Internet.

I also want to emphasize to please don't allow your mother to manipulate you with any negative ( or frightening) emotions on her part. Yelling and getting angry can be very effective, and my husband and I have found that we need to ignore such outbursts on my father's part, when we're doing something that is clearly in his best interest.

I needed to see my own doctor for support during the period when we moved my father, and I needed to be given an emergency supply of the medication Xanax, to calm me in those highly stressful situations where I was trapped with my father and couldn't get away for relief. ( ie---the days we were packing him up and riding in the car with him to his new home. My Dad nearly became unglued on those day.) I only needed to take the Xanax on three occasions, but it was a Godsend.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Thank you Carol....now, if I could just keep my brother from buying into Mom's 'neediness' and adding to the desired guilt, I would be getting somewhere. I have to be as firm with HIM as I am with her. Just keep reminding him, that at anytime he could take her to HIS home. :-)

Any way you look at it, this won't be easy. Let her know that her care is your primary concern and that you won't be able to provide that care in your home. Help her understand that you aren't abandoning her. Stay firm and don't let her moods change yours, or you'll just go in circles. Once she knows there is no going back, maybe she will cooperate in finding the best option for her care.
Good luck,
Carol