We don't have to take abuse form our family.

Question

I just wanted to say thank you to all that gave me reassurance that I wasnt nuts and that we dont have to take the abuse from our family. In case this is the 1st time your reading my story, ill fill you in real quick. Mom lived with me, and my 2 teens for 8 yrs. Mom has end stage COPD, congestive heart failure, asthma, is narcissistic, bipolar, alzhiemers, and some dementia...and numerous more health issues. mom is also on hospice. She started having screaming panic attacks, and would overdose on her meds, wouldnt let anyone help her with them. started accusing us of making fun of her, talking about her, thinking people were in the house that werent, refusing to answer the ph when we called to check on her, sleeping all day, and staying up all night banging around. Falling asleep with her head in her food, sleeping standing up....etc... it was bad..
Well we got Mom into a NH. she hates it, and now hates me for it. Has accused my sister of stealing all her money ( she was self pay and the NH had to be paid) became paraniod that I would sell off all her things, and had her sister (my aunt) come over while I was at work and pack all her things. Now this Aunt works in a NH and has decided that since Im placing boundaries that Ive placed Mom and will forget about her. thats just not the case. Even tho when my sisters go see her all she does is complain about something Ive done or she imagines I will do. My sisters thankfully dont tell me whats been said, just that Mom is still mad at me. I tried to call her and she didnt answer.
So now Im placing much needed boundaries with my Mom, and I talk with my Aunt on a professional level only. Were supposed to take Mom for an early Mothers day lunch tomarrow, and Im wondering how that will go.....
The upside to all this, the kids are alot happier, and we are geting ready to paint and remodel the inside of the house.....yeah !!!...My fiance and I actually had the entire house to ourselves a couple weeks ago, and it was lovely........ its weird to say, but now we can breathe again

shortmomma1 · Accepted Answer

thank you ladies for your support and advice, trust that its much needed and appreciated. Admittedly , it does hurt that she wont answer my calls or texts, but not unexpected. And I know this is her character. Ive always been the " grown up" in our relationship, even when I was a kid. which is probably why Im so much different than she is, and I have an awesome relationship with my kids.
Ya know, I read some of the other posts, and some people on this site are just mean to each other, belittling, and acting like they are better. so im glad ya'l found me.... ((hugs))

golden23 · Answer

((((hugs)))) momma - If I were in your situation, I would just let her be -  not call, not text You can love other people but you can't make them love you. This is probably her way of punishing you for moving her into a home. So be it - her choice. You acted responsibly, and are still reaching out. I think she knows it bothers you, and that  is her goal. Don't let her knew she has hurt you. She will only play on it. Narcissists  use such methods to suck you back in to manipulate you in some way. BTDT. Enjoy the freedom. If she is going to come around, and I think she will, give her the space to do so, and just stay neutral. Let her contact you and don't make any reference to the unanswered messages.  - just  "Hi Mum, how have you been!" easy breezy! Happy Mother's Day to you!

3pinkroses · Answer

I second what ladee said "you matter, you matter to us" - I am sending lots of hugs your way. You are and have been a wonderful, caring daughter and your mother lived with you for 8 years! Because your Mom is the way she is; she will take everything out on you and not others. My mother does this too as I am the bad guy in all of it even though I am the only one who does everything. I'm still working on "letting it go"; it is a process, but gradually it gets better.

Your mother is in the best place and she will adjust. My mother has been taking a newer, stronger medication for her mental health issues. I took her out yesterday for lunch, etc. and she was the best she has been in a long time. Think the medication is truly helping. Maybe if your Mom was placed on the correct meds, her moods would be better.

Your life seems to be falling into place now and you deserve it and certainly have earned it. Happy, Happy Mother's Day

ladee1 · Answer

I am so sorry that your mom is the way she is... but we do try to not others define us, just because she acts like that doesn't mean that you are any less valuable and honored for all you do.... So we are not going to ignore you.... you matter, you matter to us.... sending lots of hugs to you today....

shortmomma1 · Answer

well lunch was interesting. Mom showed up sporting a new haircut and I asked her who did it, she said it was a beautician (the haircut was terrible) and that her stylist had quit... Ive ben licensed since I was a teen, and have ben doing Mom and Gmas hair for over 20 yrs....so that was a burn....Other than that, she didnt say anything to me, or ask about my kids.She chatted with my sisters... Its like shes mentally blocked me, Im no more than an old caregiver shes dismissed. I tried to call her this am, and again she doesnt answer, so I text her, no response, and theres nothing wrong with her ph, she calls my sisters....sigh.....

golden23 · Answer

Great, shortmomma -  awesome to read good news. Let us know how the lunch goes,.

ladee1 · Answer

Fantastic.... it is such a pleasure to read that someone posted, got some suggestions, followed thru and is now happy... and you sound like you have some good healthy detatatchment..... very very proud of you, you have set an awesome example for those looking for help..... hugs to you....

jeannegibbs · Answer

Oh, good for you! Hooray! And thank you so much for taking the time to provide an update.

I am very sorry that your mother is still in so much pain and confusion. Keep in mind that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. I hope that she will come to a point of reconciliation before she passes, but whether that happens or not I am glad you can go on loving her with established boundaries.

We don't have to take abuse form our family.

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