I am new in this and a bit lost ....

Am glad to hear that you manage to prevent the bed sores, that is the worse thing to happen to a bedridden patient ......

It is good news that you decided to pursue medical after this, that is a great cause.

We will get thru this, we will .....

My dad had started to get a bed sore in my care and thankfully I was able to prevent it from opening up and I got rid of it. Every time I come across something I do not know how to handle I always resort to the internet and read up on it. I am sorry to hear your mum is bad off and I understand you wanting to let her go to release her of her pain. I have had to learn a great deal when my dad was home with me. The things I have learned has made me want to pursue something in the medical field. We know our parents love us for what we are doing for them in their own way even if they are unable to show it. We just have to remember them after they have past on as the person they were before they got so sick. I definitely do not want to remember my dad in this condition after he has passed.

My mum is admitted coz she is not eating and doctor has told me just prepare for the worse. At first it was harsh but seeing her suffer ... now I am ready to let her go ....

Today she is being discharged, it worries me coz she has bed sores, I am not trained to change the dressing but after a week of seeing how the nurses do it, I will try my best to do it .... I am just worry it will get bigger .... I really need a miracle .....

Sorry to hear about your dad but at least he has you to take care of him, you will be blessed for that .....

Yes, personal home care cost a bomb over here too ... sigh .. only rich ppl can afford the best ......

No my dad is also in the hospital. It turns out that he had a broken hip and it has been broken since memorial day which was when we went to his home and cleaned it the weekend before he came into my care. Now they have done surgery but are unable to fix the hip because the tissue surrounding the socket has been eaten up from the hip being broken for so long. His therapist and I noticed one leg shorter than the other one the day before I had the ambulance come get him. He was refusing to eat and drink which was the reason for me putting him in the hospital and I told them about the leg while he was there and they found the broken hip. He will go to therapy for a couple weeks then back home with me, but he will never walk again. I can not afford the cost of a nursing home. They want 5000 a month and a personal care home, he has to be able to at least walk a little. So back to my house after the therapy is done but I am enjoying the free time first. Why is your mom back in the hospital? I have learned a lot on how to to take care of daddy. If he was a little more cooperative with me it would make things a lot easier. I have decided to change my major when I resume my online college courses to something in the medical field. As soon as my kids get back into school , I plan to return to my school work. I am like you, I go back and forth to the hospital too every day. When he gets transferred to therapy I will take a day or two here and there and just stay at home and relax.

Hi Amanda,

Sorry for the late reply. My mum is back in the hospital and I spent most of my time there, only come home to rest for like 5 - 6 hours and there I go again .....

I hope by now your dad is in the nursing home coz the doctors are right, we are not trained to give sufficient care for the elderly.

I took dad to the doctor yesterday and she advised to also place him into a nursing home for physical therapy. She said he needs more than what I or home health care can give him. This time my sister actually asked me what I was going to do instead of telling me what to do. I told her I was going to put him in it as soon as one comes available close by. I have become tougher here in the last week. Dealing with him on my own has pushed me to that point. She was supposed to come here to give me a break this weekend and now she says she can't because of a birthday party she has to attend.

Aahhh yes, you don't have the privacy to do your crying, well, I have a friend that does her crying in the shower, maybe that will help.

Yes, our heart melts when our parents begs us for something - for example now, your dad keeps on calling you to get him out from rehabilitation and you gave in. Same like my mum now, everyday she will ask me to ask the doctors to let her go home. My heart breaks that I cannot do that but for her own good, I have to be "cruel".

About the other siblings, you are right, they are not the one taking care of your dad so they can give you many advises that doesn't fit you or your dad. I have been thru that too, so now I might still ask them for advise but I will only follow them if it can done.

Hang in there Amanda, you are doing great !!

I have had the crying days. I can't really let it out hard cause of my kids and husband. My kids are 10 and 13. I do not like to scare them. They have had to make a major adjustment with my dad being here. He is doing better today finally. When I had my dad in rehabilitation services at the nursing home, he kept calling and saying get him out of there. I followed my siblings orders and removed him after being in there for just two weeks. That was a definite mistake. I should have left him in there to complete his therapy. If I had of done that I do not think I would be having such a hard time as I do now. I have had to learn the hard way that he is in my care and not my siblings. I need to make these decisions without their orders.

Aaahh .... I know that feeling too Amanda, my mum is in the hospital now and she is desperate to go home. Everyday she will ask me to ask the doctor to let her go home. One day, she told my aunt that I am the one stopping her from going home coz I don't want her to die in my house !! I was so hurt upon hearing that but after taking some space from her - I just let go of that remark and now all I want to concentrate is take good care of her coz I just don't know when will be her last day. So I just don't want to take things for granted .....

I know some days are tough, believe me, since my mum fell a month ago, I cried almost everyday !!! I can cry for few days in a row and then "rest" 1 or 2 days and get all emotional again after that ..... at home I will let out my extreme cry, sit on the floor, cry my heart out to God, shout like a mad woman, do whatever you need to do to let out Amanda .......

You are doing well, keep it up ok ;-)) and thanks for the hugs - hugs back to you !!!

Thanks Marie. Today was a real rough day. On top of him cussing me about his pain meds, I have a hard time dealing with the problems of getting all his insurances transferred. It is so shameful that these insurance agencies will prey on the elderly and talk them into signing on to something they know is not as good as medicare and in the long run deprives the elderly from getting the medical help they need because of paperwork hassles. I ended up crying today on the home health nurses shoulder. I know God only places as much as you can handle, but gee wiz!

Hi Amanda, from my experience with my mother, things starts to deteriorate since she is bedridden too. When a person is bedridden, a lot of complication happens. What more with her old age, it doesn't help.

For now you can only wait for the doctor to explain to you what is happening with your dad so in the mean time just do your best for him.

It seems as though his mind is getting worse and worse every day. He was not this way before I took him from his home and I am trying to figure out why his mind is deteriorating so fast. I had to remove him from his home because my brother was neglecting him so bad. When I got to his house my brother had the air conditioner off and the doublewide was soo hot my dad was laying in bed panting, naked, and couldnt breath because he was soo dehydrated. He was also reaching for nothing in the air and he was mumbling. After I got him up here and in a hospital it seemed like he was getting his mind back. But day by day he started talking of things in the past. Now he is seeing things that are not there and talking about things I do not understand. What is scaring me is how fast it has progressed. I have an appointment for him on the 11th. Hopefully the doctor can explain things to me.

Good that your sis is coming, you need that break, we all do ........

Yes, of course it breaks our heart when they beg for something, like my mum now, she begs to go home but her condition doesn't permits her to do so yet.

This is the point where we have to be a little bit tough for their own good .....

Fortunately my dad does not say hurtful things to me. It is just hard listening to him talk as if someone else has been here. My sister is going to visit in a couple of weeks to let me get out for a day. I am counting down the days. It is also hard to deny him things he wants because they are really bad for him and to hear him say please, please, is really hard to deal with.

Hi Amanda, yes, it's very emotional and talking about emotional, my mum said something very hurtful to me today. I know I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help it .... Perhaps me and her need some times apart, I will reduce my time with her (I used to sleep in the hosp to company her too but tonite I will sleep on my own bed)

Just try your best Amanda, as long as you do it sincerely from your heart, God will know and you will know too ......

Dear Marie, My mom shattered her hip in a car wreck yrs ago and had to have several surgeries. It came down to a point that they had to put a feeding tube in her. See if you can talk to the doctors about that possibility. My mom has now been gone for 6 yrs and now I am taking care of my dad. I just recently had to retrieve him from his home and move him in with me. He is bed ridden and has mood swings. I am also scared to death and very emotional at times, unsure and sometimes sad at what my children are having to give up because I can't leave the house and go with them somewhere. It is gut wrenching, but hopefully it will get easier with time.

Hello Kimbee,

Am trying to get used to the routine now that my mum is still in the hospital. Her appetite has increased for these pass two days. She is now eating what she used to eat before, small portion but frequent meals. I am so thankful for my prayers answered.

Her water intake has also increased and she even craved for coffee !!

I am not sure where this will lead us, just live it one day at a time .....

Vstefans, thanks for dropping by, I hope my mum gets better too esp from her depression, am praying about that too ......

Agree with cattails! 80 ml of water is not very much either, not after two days of not drinking. That is under three ounces and you need more like a liter or two a day. Does she have any urine output to speak of? Tell her, YES it matters. SHE matters. To you even if not to herself at the moment. Depression may be treatable even if there does seem to be a lot to be depressed about.

Marie, how r u doing, have not heard from you in a while.

Hello Kimbee, glad to see you so soon !! ^ __ ^

Now that my sis is here, she stay with our mum at nite, day time by me. But things will get tough when my sis goes back to her town this Sunday. I might need someone to take care of my mum but the caretaker here can cost a bomb - $70 per day ;-(( Am not sure how long my mum will be staying, if not more than one week than it should be ok, if not, then I have to see what I can do, I don't want my mum to be in the hospital all alone. ;-((

waiting4change, thanks for sharing your story, yes, this is called tough love but we do it for their own good as they are unable to make decisions for themselves at this stage.

waiting, what you said here is so true, we must pray for wisdom on what to do, that is why me and my sis prayed and ask for guidance and this is what we have decided to do.

Hope you are doing well too and welcome to the forum, hey ... I am new too !! ;-))

Marie, I had hoped u were busy getting mom in hospital. Glad she is there and getting eval. Try to get a little rest while she is there. Or in your area, do u have to stay with the patient the whole time? If you can get a little break, I know you need it. Med's for depression can be very helpful. Let us know what is going on. Glad to here from you, and thanks for that hug! Kim

Hi Marie, I just joined this forum and yours was the first post I read. I am sorry for your situation. My father has been in and out of the hospital because he refuses to take care of himself. Unfortunately, he is also an alcoholic and hooked on Xanax. When he thinks he is getting low on his medicine, he turns into a tyrant, a horrible person. I have 5 brothers and sisters and 2 step-sisters, but only one sister and I are able to do anything with him. We had home healthcare set up for him, but he ran them off with his cursing and complaining and accused them of stealing his medicine. For as long as I can remember (I am 46 and he is 81), he has threatened to kill himself. We have decided that is his way of getting what he wants, and we are not going to put up with it any longer. Now when he says he might as well kill himself, we say okay. I was with him yesterday, and he started getting angry and cursing everyone, and I picked up my stuff and said bye, I'm leaving. Sometimes, children have to use tough love on a parent.

My dad does suffer from depression, he still recalls things from being in the Korean War, and he feels a lot of guilt over decisions he has made in his life, but he has to learn that he cannot keep abusing the people trying to take care of him. We are also at the point of telling him if he doesn't start taking care of himself, we will have him committed against his will. It is sad, but it is the only way sometimes. Please don't feel guilty about the decisions you have to make. The thing I pray for most is wisdom to know what to do.

Hello KimBee ... I am very sorry for this late reply. Since my sister came, we have been very busy and finally our mum has been admitted even though we have to do it against her will. It's not an easy decision but we have to, to save her life.

Now we are waiting for the psychiatris to see her for her depression. Each time we try to feed her,she will say just let her die so this is surely a sign for depression.

We all hope for the best and pray for miracle .....

Marie-can your sister come today- not wait for Tuesday? Have you been able to get mom to accept fluids every day? So important. Surgery does interfere with smell and taste. Can someone help you get mom to hospital or clinic? In your original question, you asked for help and said you feel lost. Several people have suggested get with doctor or back to hospital, why not? Does mom have a fever? Is she taking antibiotics? Does she have sores on her back, or really have worms on her? I too am concerned. Are there any older neighbors or friends or family, besides sister she might take help from?

Nancy, you story amazes me. Yes, what a different, the medical way of doing things between different countries. The reason that my mum is not allow to walk is that the doctors worried her hips will dis-allocate, that is why for the “no walking for 6 weeks” thingy ..... I too wish that she is up and walking and at nite, I pray and cried to God for that to happen ....

Judy, I think like you said, a broken hips marks the end for them, that is what these “old” generations are thinking, feel so sorry for them. Only the power of prayer can get me and my mum thru this.

Thanks Bookworm for thinking of me and for sharing your story, it’s such a relief that I found this forum with so many caring hearts that is “accompanying” me through this. My sister is coming on Tuesday so I will discuss with her what is best for mum. I want to share this responsibility, it’s such a heavy load for me to make all these decisions.

Again, thanks ALL for dropping by and giving me support and sharing your story. It’s good to know that I am not alone in this.

Marie, I woke up this morning with thoughts of you in my mind. I have no experience of broken hip and surgery related to it. But, my dad had a stroke last year, he's age 83. When he came home, all food had no taste. He wouldn't eat his favorite food. Anything sweet (including barbecued food) were very sweet to him. His taste buds were all messed up. I struggled for months trying to get him to eat normally. Most of the time, his plate was still mostly full. He was losing so much weight, that I worried the social workers who come weekly might report me for starving him. His stomach was sunk in and his ribs very visible. In frustration, I vented to my boss. She told me that when her father had his stroke, the same thing happened. All his favorite food - he refused to eat. She too had to find ways to make food taste good for him. When I had my 1st major surgery, I found most food to be so very salty. I refused to eat. My sister was getting frustrated with me. Maybe any major changes in our body (surgery, stroke, etc..) just messes our sense of tastes.

When dad came home from the hospital. He went on and on about dying except he was accusing us of trying to kill him. He absolutely refused to go the clinic for follow-up. Unfortunately, we were a bit aggressive to get him to go. (His insurance requires a follow-up visit with his regular doctor within a month of being released from the hospital. If he did not go, the insurance will Not cover any stroke-related medical cost.)

I would take everyone's advice about having your mother walk as soon as possible. But, Cat's advice is even more important at the moment. Maybe you should take your mom to the clinic/hospital for an after-surgery follow up visit. Write down all your concerns and questions. Maybe you can also bring up physical therapy?

Marie, my mother thought she was going to die too. She told me that old people die soon after breaking their hip.She told me it was "the beginning of the end". So, the xmas before last, when the family was gathered at her house, she raised her glass and thanked everyone for coming to her last xmas (met with eyeball rolling and groans from the whole family that she never even noticed - she was so wrapped up in her own drama - and we were so sick of it by then!). I've told this story in another thread. So, I can totally understand how your mother has given up. I think years ago, a broken hip just may have signaled the beginning of the end, but not anymore. For my mother, it was the confirmation that she was indeed an old lady, and that took the wind out of her sails (until she realized that she could use it to her advantage!) Sounds like you need to have a good talk with her doctor. Again, I'm wishing more luck to you! I'd hate to have to repeat that timeframe with my mother. Definitely the most difficult time in our relationship.

rmarie, it's interesting, the difference between the U.S. and another country when it comes to health care isn't it? My mother-in-law fell and broke her hip 2 months ago, she's (88 yrs old). Literally the day after surgery, they had her up and standing on it. A few days later they had her take a few steps. Then they sent her to a nursing home/rehab for 10 days where she had physical therapy at least 3 times a day. By the time she got home, she'd been walking with a walker for almost 2 weeks. Also, they had her taking an antibiotic right from the get-go to make sure she didn't get an infection from surgery. Now they told me yesterday when I went to get her teeth cleaned (2 months after the hip thing) that she can't get the teeth cleaned until she's on Amoxocillin for 4 days prior. Dr. says that they have to make sure, that if she gets any bacteria in her blood stream due to the teeth cleaning, it won't hurt her. For 2 years she has to do the antibiotic thing too. So when you said that your mom's doctors say to just have your mother 'sit' for such a long time, it's worrisome to me. My mother-in-law fell and broke her other hip 3 years ago, so this is NOT my first rodeo. And the one thing that every single doctor has drilled into my head, is that it's VERY important, that she gets up and walks RIGHT AWAY after surgery. That seems to be the key to getting her back on her feet, literally and figuratively. And I've got to say, she's a walking machine for her age. ha

I want to but how to fight the guilt when she cries and says no ..... ;-(( She said she rather die than go to the hospital .....